17. ARIES
17
ARIES
I t doesn’t take long to settle Lucie back to sleep. She was barely awake when she was crying out.
My heart is hammering, and adrenaline is still surging through me, making my hands tremble. There’s no sign of Mr Hawkston when I come out of Lucie’s bedroom. I hoped he’d be waiting for me, but I knew he wouldn’t, so I’m not surprised to find the dark corridor empty. The only evidence that he was here at all is the lingering scent of his cologne. I wish I could bottle it and take it with me.
Shit. This situation is fucked up.
I don’t know what to think. He was so angry earlier, and I was angry with him for being angry, but then… it shattered . Sure, part of me hated how he’d dressed me down so publicly, but seeing him standing there, desperate for me not to leave… it was too much. I was overcome with wanting, having, touching, tasting . Completely powerless to listen to the sensible part of my brain that hated how hard it was for him to admit he was sorry until we were kissing, and then it spilled out like blood from an open wound… God, yes. Sorry. Sorry. I’m so fucking sorry . I don’t think an apology has ever felt as good as that one did.
On the plus side, I’ve confirmed I wasn’t imagining this attraction between us. It’s real, and now we’ve let it out, it’s a wild creature. We can’t put it back in the box. At least I can’t.
What if that’s why he’s not here? What if he’s already sealed it, locked it down somewhere he can’t touch it? If he wanted to kiss me again, wouldn’t he have waited? Shit .
I need to talk to someone. Not necessarily to tell them what happened, but just so I don’t have to be alone with the crazy thoughts running through my head. I quickly formulate a plan. I head to my room and grab my old phone from the bedside table. I bring up Alec’s phone number. It rings twice before he picks up.
“Hello?” he says.
“It’s Aries. Can I come over? Are you busy?”
“No.”
“No, I can’t come or no, you’re not busy?” I sound like I’m panicking.
“I’m not busy and yes, you can come over.”
“Thanks. Give me ten minutes.”
I return to Lucie’s room and set up the baby monitor, then go to my room to fetch the other half. I hope the signal reaches to the staff block.
I pull on a tracksuit over my pyjamas and put my phone, house keys and the other half of the monitor in my pockets.
I head downstairs, praying I don’t meet Mr Hawkston on the way. I’m not ready to see him. I need to work out how I feel about what happened… and what I want to happen next. If he hasn’t already decided it’s over.
It’s still light outside, which is weird because upstairs, with all the curtains closed, it felt like the middle of the night. It’s a warm evening and I traipse across the lawn to the building that’s almost entirely hidden from the house by trees.
I ring the bell for the back door. Inside, I can hear footsteps approaching. Alec opens the door with a big smile, but when he sees my worried expression, his face falls. “What’s wrong?”
I shake my head. “Nothing. I just don’t want to be alone.”
The frown that mars his face is enough to let me know he doesn’t believe me. “Okay…” He steps aside, allowing me to pass into the hallway.
The house is pristine; every wall looks newly painted in some expensive version of off-white. The floor is wooden with a pale white-washed appearance. Like the main house, everything is expensive.
Alec’s wearing a pair of shorts and t-shirt, and his hair is messy like he hasn’t brushed it today.
“How come you aren’t making dinner?” I ask.
He shrugs. “Sometimes Mr Hawkston gives me nights off. I prepared a lasagna. He only needs to shove it in the oven.”
“Oh.” Even the idea of Mr Hawkston putting a lasagna in the oven strikes me as wrong. Too domesticated. “You made a whole lasagna for one man?”
“Yeah, but I make it in separate containers. I freeze a bunch of them. That way, when I’m not around, he has food. So he has a one person portion for tonight.”
A hollow feeling carves its way through my chest. It’s the rich person version of a TV dinner. Is Mr Hawkston lonely? How odd that it never occurred to me before that he might be.
“I have some leftover in the fridge,” Alec says. “In fact, I was about to eat. You want some?”
“Yes, please.”
Alec laughs at my eagerness. “I might start to get worried that you’re only after my food.”
“I am,” I deadpan.
He smiles and leads me to the kitchen. I take a seat at the table and he slides a small ceramic dish into the oven.
An hour later and I’m full. “Best lasagna ever,” I declare, patting my belly.
Alec grins. “I aim to please.” He shifts in his seat and fixes his attention on me in a way that alerts me to the fact I’m probably not going to like whatever he’s about to say. “That look on your face when you came to the door… what was wrong?”
Damn it . I thought he’d let this one go. I’m not a good liar. “Nothing.”
“Hmm. Your voice was weird over the phone. I thought something must have happened.” He tilts his head and his eyes narrow. “Did it? You only smiled after you’d polished off the entire plate of lasagna. I thought your smile was a permanent feature. Like a mole. But tonight I’ve barely seen it.” He puts his cutlery down on the plate. “Was it Mr Hawkston?”
I shake my head, aware even as I’m doing it that the action is too vigorous. Too emphatic. I try to backtrack by focusing on the baby monitor, carefully positioning it adjacent to my plate. Casual . “No.”
“I heard him scream at you. We all did.”
“Ugh.” I push my plate away and cross my arms on the table, letting my head fall against them. “It was an awful day. Lucie fell in the river at Charlie’s Speech Day. It was my fault. Sort of. Mr Hawkston told me to stay with her and I let Gemma take her off.”
“Gemma as in Mrs Hawkston?”
“Nah. Ms. Arse-Warts.”
Alec laughs. “Von Arsworz. It’s a very famous name. Her family owns one of the high end jewellers. Best diamonds on the market, apparently. I heard that’s the only reason the old Mrs Hawkston didn’t lose her shit when she found out Gemma was pregnant. It was like a society match. Rich people, eh?” He pats me on the back. “Don’t worry about it. If Lucie was with Gemma when she fell in, it sounds like it was Gemma’s fault. Mr Hawkston’s more bark than bite. I’m sure he’ll forgive you.”
I keep my head down and let out a groan. I don’t know about forgiveness, but we were only a step away from having sex in the hall.
A noise crackles from the baby monitor. Alec’s eyes dart to it, and I sit bolt upright in my chair, but neither of us moves. Because it’s not Lucie.
The voice is Mr Hawkston’s.
“I’m so sorry,” he whispers.
I grab the video monitor and pull it closer so I can see the image. Alec leans over me.
It feels wrong, spying on him like this, but I can’t look away. Lucie’s still asleep. I can hear her regular breathing. Mr Hawkston is sitting on the edge of her bed, his hands in his lap.
“I wasn’t a good father today. I let you get hurt, and I shouted at Aries. I’m sorry I did that and that you heard me. But Aries was right; sometimes adults shout when they’re upset because they don’t know what else to do.” I inhale audibly, realising that he heard everything I was saying to his daughter at bedtime.
Alec raises an eyebrow, but I ignore the implied question.
“I want you to know it’s not like with Mummy though,” Mr Hawkston continues. “I don’t hate Aries. I don’t know what I feel for her, but it’s not that.” He sighs, and the confusion in the sound is evident even over the monitor. He runs a hand down his face. “I like her. I like her a lot. More than I should, probably.”
My heart races, hope fluttering in my stomach. I reach out for the monitor to stop it, but Alec catches my hand, shakes his head a fraction. I want to hear what Mr Hawkston says next, so I let him stop me, and pull my arm back.
His deep voice is a soothing whisper. Lucie hasn’t moved so she must be asleep, meaning this conversation is more for him than anything else. “Aries is a great nanny. She’s thoughtful and caring and kind, and maybe Mrs Minter is right. Maybe she’s exactly what we all need.” His voice falters and he drops his head into his hands. He lets out a low groan. “Maybe she’s exactly what I need—”
“We shouldn’t be listening to this.” I reach out and grab the monitor, switching it off before Alec can stop me this time. But even after I’ve shut it off, Mr Hawkston’s tortured tone plays in my head. Like maybe I really am what he needs, but he doesn’t want to need me…
My limbs feel weak, and if I tried to stand up right now I’d probably fall to the floor.
Alec’s mouth is hanging open, and he’s staring at me. My hand is fisted around the monitor as I look up at him through my lashes. A hot blush races up my neck and across my cheeks. I don’t need to say a word, because my face is doing all the talking.
“Oh, shit,” he says. “Something did happen. This is why you’re here, isn’t it? This is why you looked so skittish at the door, and sounded so weird on the phone.” Alec’s eyes are so wide they look like they’re going to pop. He shakes his head slowly and mutters, “Woah. This is big.”
My old phone buzzes and I’m thankful for a reason to look away from Alec’s shocked stare. There’s a message from Mr Hawkston. I click it open to see five words.
Mr Hawkston: Come back to the house .
He must have seen me leave. Maybe he was waiting for me, after all? I stare at the phone as another message comes in. It's only one word.
Mr Hawkston: Please .