28. CHAPTER 28
CHAPTER 28
SIERRA
“I’m so sorry, baby,” I breathe through the phone to Kason.
And I am. I really am. I had a mandatory board meeting on my calendar for a month that I couldn’t get out of on Friday, so I couldn’t go to the away game even though I wanted to be there. I really wanted to be there. They were slated to win today, but that wasn’t what happened. They lost and now their season is over.
Before this season, I didn’t know much about the game. Now I’m the game’s biggest cheerleader, or at least Kason’s. My man is a football god.
“If Ray hadn’t broken his arm because of some lineman losing his head, we would have walked away with the win.”
“Will the lineman get fined for it?”
“He’ll be lucky if that’s all he gets. He may earn a suspension for a couple of games.”
The lineman hit Ray, the quarterback, long after throwing the ball and tackled him hard to the ground. He got an unsportsmanlike penalty and was ejected from the game for stomping on Ray after he got off of him. The team never really got back into sync after watching their quarterback being carted off the field with not only a busted arm but a concussion as well.
“He should never be allowed to play again.”
“We’ll be playing them again next year, so he better be ready for some retaliation.” I can hear the truth in his words; that lineman better prepare himself when he meets the Cougars again.
“Won’t that manage to get yourself and your teammates in trouble?”
“Do you have any idea how many sneaky hits or kicks can happen on the bottom of a pile of players the refs never see? Trust me, there are ways.”
“I wish I could have been there for you.”
“Baby, I don’t expect you to be at every game. Although I would love to have you here to kiss my boo-boos.” He laughs when he says that, and it’s the first time he has since we started our call.
“I think kissing your boo-boos is the least I could do. I promise to kiss them all away and do much more.”
“I’m holding you to that promise.”
“Did I tell you I would also be naked while doing it?”
I hear him take a breath. “Hell baby. Now I want to charter my own damn plane and get back to you sooner.”
I would laugh, but I don't think he's joking. We talk a little bit longer before he has to go, and we hang up.
Standing, I stretch out my back. I’ve been having some minor pain in it since this morning. I’m sure I slept wrong. My bed, although comfy, has nothing on Kason’s. His is like sleeping on feathers, and I no longer sleep as well without him by my side.
There’s a knock on my door, and I walk over to answer it. Peeping through the hole, my heart drops when I recognize the man standing on the other side.
Charles Kinsley. My father.
Shit! Do I hide or do I finally face my past?
Charles insists he didn’t know about me. He texted me yesterday and asked to meet. I responded that I’m now open to it, and I guess he saw that as his green light to visit me.
Tentatively, I put my shaky hand on the handle and open the door to him. I rub my suddenly sweaty hands on my jeans then focus on his eyes, so similar to my own. I remember my mom telling me how hard it was to look into them and see my father before she would cry and lock herself in her room.
Charles nods at me and gives me a timid smile. “Hello, Sierra. I hope I didn’t catch you at a bad time, but I was hoping we could talk.”
I don’t answer but stare while I take him in. I would guess he’s in his sixties, a handsome older man. He definitely caught the eye and heart of my mother. He’s dressed simply in jeans and a thick winter jacket.
The clearing of his throat has me breaking out of my inspection of him and looking into his gaze once again. “If this is a bad time, I would be more than happy to stop back whenever it’s convenient. I just want the opportunity to talk to you.”
I feel a cramp in my stomach and begin to rub my belly. His gaze follows the movement before peering back up to me.
Stepping back, I allow him entry. With a timid smile he walks in, and I lead him into the living room where he takes a seat on the sofa. I sit in the chair nervously across from him.
“Are you okay?” He peers back down at my hand that I hadn’t realized was still on my stomach. Quickly, I remove it.
“I’m fine.”
He nods. “I’ve been wanting to speak with you for a while about something, but now that I’m here, I have no idea where to start.” Leaning forward, he places his elbows on his knees then starts to rub his palms together.
“How about we start from the beginning. Tell me how you met my mom. ”
This time his smile is soft as he thinks back. “I met her at a photoshoot she was doing for a magazine. I was an agent for a baseball player that was there to do the shoot with her. She was beautiful, and I couldn’t take my eyes off of her once I saw her.” He stares at me. “You look like her. The moment I saw you at the charity event, I thought I was having an out of body experience and was almost thirty years back in time.”
I remember him staring at me like he saw a ghost. “I’ve been told I look like her, except for my eyes.”
“You have my eyes, but you look so much like your mother. I knew it as soon as I heard your last name. I knew you had to be hers and possibly mine.” I shrug because I’m not sure what to say to that. “That is why I had the DNA test done.”
I already know this because Kason told me. “Tell me about you and my mother.”
“After that day, we were inseparable. We fell in love. I loved your mother. I need you to know that.” There’s a sweet melancholy to his voice. Maybe I’m wrong, but I do believe him.
In the end though, he was the catalyst for sending her into a downward spiral. I can’t help the scorn that leaks into my voice. “More than your wife?”
He sits back as if I had struck him. “It wasn’t a happy marriage. I should have ended it way before I met your mom.”
“Why didn’t you?”
He rubs his forehead before taking a fortifying breath. “I had three children that needed me. I stayed for them.”
Three? I thought he only had two boys. This is news to me.
As if reading my mind, he says sadly, “This was what I wanted to see you about. It was too hard to talk about when we last spoke, but you should know that I had another daughter. Her name was Briana. She died the night I told my wife I was leaving her for your mother. My wife had found out about Monica and confronted both of us. I told her I was in love with your mom and left that night to go to your mom’s place to comfort her. I hadn’t realized my wife would drown herself in a bottle of scotch then take off with Briana to find me. They died that same night.”
His voice cracks at the end, and he gets up and starts to pace the room with his hands in his pockets. I let him, startled at what I’m hearing.
I had a sister too, and she died from their love.
I can’t help it, but my heart feels sad for him in this moment. I always pictured my father as a man who didn’t give a damn who he hurt, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. I can feel the turmoil rolling off of him. This man has suffered, maybe as much as my mom.
I feel more significant cramping in my abdomen and place my hand there again. This is more intense and lingering. I begin to worry something isn’t right. When I peer back up at Charles, he’s now turned and looking out the window.
“I lost my daughter because I was selfish. After that, I couldn’t be with Monica anymore. I have one son who has forgiven my transgressions and another that still blames me to this day.” I surmise he means Brax. My therapist mind goes to Brax's character. Could it be that this is the reason he seems so aloof? Did what happened that night make him that way? I don’t dwell on those thoughts as Charles begins to speak again. “They needed me, and I had to be there for them. I let your mother go.”
He turns to face me, and this man is clearly broken over his choices. I can see the devastation on his face. “I promise you here as I stand, I never knew you existed. Monica stopped me outside my apartment and said she needed to speak to me a week after I broke things off with her. Turning her away was one of the hardest things I ever had to do, but I did it for my boys. I’ll always wonder now if you were what she wanted to talk about, but I need you to know that if she had told me that day or any day since, I would have been there. I felt living without your mother was my own atonement for being selfish. ”
I don’t have words, so I keep mute while he waits for me to respond. He’s told me some hard truths that most wouldn’t admit to. He allowed himself to be open to my judgment of him. He didn’t paint himself as some hero or my mom as some villain. “I haven’t spoken to my sons yet. I plan to, but I wanted to get your feelings on it first. Plus, I thought I owed you the whole truth before I spoke with them.”
I’m about to ask about them when a sharp pain sizzles through my stomach, and I stand. Something is wrong here, really wrong. It’s then that I feel wetness in my panties, and I know, I just know that if I look, there will be blood. I rush out of the room and into my bathroom. No sooner do I enter it, I’m yanking my jeans down and sitting on my toilet.
Slowly, so slowly, I peer down, and my heart breaks in horror. There’s blood there. The tears instantly spill from my eyes because I know in this moment, I could be losing this baby. This baby I have already fallen in love with.
No, please, God, don’t take this baby away from me.
A knock on the door breaks me from my thoughts. “Sierra, are you okay?” Charles’s voice is gentle but concerned.
Hospital. I need to get to the hospital.
“I’ll be right out. Please meet me in the living room.” I can hear the sorrow of my own voice. The sound of his footsteps fade away and I step into my bedroom. I quickly change my underwear and put a pad in them before putting on a pair of sweatpants, a sweatshirt, and sneakers while tears stream down my face.
Kason. I wish Kason was here. I can’t do this without him.
Grabbing my jacket from the hall closet, I hurry into the living room. Charles takes one look at my grief-stricken face and his drops in worry. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.”
It takes a few moments for me to register what he is saying and for it to sink in before I realize he thinks my reaction is his fault. I force myself to utter the words I dread hearing myself speak.
“I’m bleeding, and I’m cramping. I need to go to the hospital. I-I think I’m having a miscarriage,” I sob on the last word because I feel absolutely gutted hearing it.
Charles rushes to me, placing his hands over mine. “Let me take you, please. You shouldn’t be alone.” His words once again remind me that Kason isn’t here, and I’m going to go through this without him. I don’t want to be alone. I’m so scared right now. I don’t think I have ever been this afraid in my life.
“Yes, please,” I whisper through the tears. I feel myself moving, but I don’t know if it’s of my own volition. Everything happens in a blur. One moment I’m in Charles’s vehicle, and the next, I’m being helped into the hospital. The whole ride there, I prayed that I’m not going to lose this child.
I hear Charles as he talks to a nurse at a desk. I can’t find my own words. A numbness settles over me. The only thing I feel is the cramps that have seemed to get worse. A nurse comes and shows me to a room and Charles follows. He steps out as they help me undress and get into a gown before entering again.
There are doctors, nurses, and tests that include an ultrasound. Afterwards, they explain how some pregnancies aren’t viable and about a D and C, but in the end, it is as I expected.
I lost my baby.