15. Taylor
CHAPTER 15
Taylor
I ’m almost there. My back arches off my bed, the sheets balled in my fist as I adjust my vibrator.
“So close,” I moan, my body trying desperately to recreate the same response I had yesterday to Austin’s fingers inside my body.
Sweat beads across my forehead, my thighs tremble, falling farther open just as my vibrator sputters and dies.
“What?” I lift my head, bringing the toy up to where I can see it. “No, no, no.” I smack it against my hand but it’s no use. The light has turned off and there isn’t an ounce of charge left in my battery-operated boyfriend.
“You’ve got to be kidding me.” I close my eyes, flopping one arm over my face as I come down from the disappointment instead of an orgasm. I take in several calming breaths to bring down my heart rate, kicking myself for getting rid of my other toys after the breakup with Noah.
We had only used one together but the other was a toy I’d used regularly, although alone, when I was dating him. This new one was a gift to myself a few months after he moved out. And clearly, I’ve been using it far more often than I charge it.
Too frustrated to attempt any manual stimulation, I roll to my side and reach for my phone sitting on my nightstand. I gave up on sleeping in when I was wide awake before the sun came up, staring at my ceiling and replaying yesterday over and over again in my head.
I still can’t make out where my head is in all this. There’s no denying what my body wants and even when I try to pretend I don’t know what my heart wants, it’s terrifying to imagine letting myself truly feel what I know I feel for him.
I thought I was making the right decision five years ago when I chose Noah. Noah was the safe bet. He was reliable and uncomplicated. No, he didn’t stir that bit of excitement inside of me that Austin did, that risky feeling of the unknown, but that’s not necessary when it comes to true love.
Austin was the risk. Taking a chance on building a company with a complete stranger wasn’t just a risk; it was completely uncalculated and out of character for me. And it worked out, better than either of us probably could have imagined. But I’m smart enough to realize that the odds we not only click as business partners but also as lovers that can make both work successfully without getting in the way of each other are pretty slim.
But even with those odds and that nagging feeling of what if in the back of my brain, I can’t deny that no man has excited me the way he does. And long before I knew what his lips felt like against mine, my body craved him in a way I don’t think anyone can compete with.
“Oh.” His name on my screen catches my attention and I sit up, grabbing my sheet and pulling it against me as I slide open the screen to read his message. My heart sinks when I see it.
Austin
I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have crossed that boundary with us.
Our conversation from yesterday comes back to me. My fingers hover over the buttons, deciding whether I should reply or not.
Tell him you take it back. Tell him you’re the one who was wrong and that he should come over. Oh! Send him a nude!
No! Shit!
I toss my phone to the side like it burned me and reach down to grab my shorts when a loud knock at my front door sends me tumbling forward off my bed.
“Shit!” I struggle to my knees, then to my feet, jumping from one leg to the other as I pull the shorts up my thighs.
Is it Austin?
“It’s Becca, open up.”
I sigh in relief at the reality that it isn’t Austin.
But how sexy would it be if it was him, showing up to say he’s not sorry and he takes it back.
“Hey.” I sound a little too cheery for an unannounced visit before eight a.m. mixed with the very disappointing battery life of my vibrator. “Coffee?” I reach for one of the large cups she has balanced on a box. “Thank you.”
“And donuts.” She lifts the box, stepping into my apartment.
“From Stan’s?”
“Of course.”
“Yum.” I reach inside, pulling out a plain glazed donut and bringing it to my lips.
“I’ll let you enjoy that first bite in peace,” Becca says, placing the donuts on my kitchen island, “but you are going to have to start explaining that insanely hot yet awkward kiss within the next few seconds or I’m going to lose my mind.”
I almost choke on the bite as I swallow it down. I’ve been so focused on how my interaction with Austin will go at work tomorrow that I completely forgot how I was going to explain it to Becca.
“Um, yeah, about that. Wait, you thought it was hot?”
“Yeah, he wasn’t as quiet as he thought he was when he was saying those little things to you but that is not the point of this.”
The knowing expression on her face makes me laugh.
“I’m sorry, but yeah, he is—” I can feel my face flaming.
“It wasn’t the first kiss,” she says around a bite of donut. “I know that much.”
“It wasn’t the first,” I confirm, “or the second.”
Her eyes widen. “So, then why’d you act so shocked and offended?”
“I wasn’t offended,” I say a touch defensively, but she flashes me a look that says I very much was. “Okay fine, it was because he did it in front of you guys and Miguel. The first time wasn’t even real; it was a video we were making so it doesn’t count.”
“I’m sorry, a video?”
“Not that kind of video!” I correct her. “Oh God, this is so stupid and hard to explain. I’ll be right back.” I walk to my bedroom and grab my phone, opening up the social media account and handing the phone to her as I explain it.
“Okay, so now I need to see the video of the kiss.”
“Why?” I grab my phone back.
“That’s why,” she says, pointing to my phone now in my lap. She holds out her hand toward me.
“Fine.” I pull up the video, handing it over to her and diving in for a second donut.
“Yeah, that one absolutely counted. Are you kidding me? That makes the one on the pickleball court look like a kiss you give your first boyfriend.” She reaches for a napkin and pretends to fan herself. “Wait, have you guys?”
“No! And we aren’t going to. That third kiss wasn’t supposed to happen.”
“Taylor, I love you but what the hell is wrong with you? He is clearly obsessed with you and we both know damn well you’ve always wanted to let him bend you over his desk and show you the business end of—how’d you finish it?”
“I told you that in confidence one time when I was wasted!” I lower my voice as if anyone is going to overhear us in my own apartment. “And it was the business end of his stock portfolio.” I cringe a little internally, even though I know if Austin heard me say it, he’d be on the floor rolling.
“Oh, right. I forgot the way you finance nerds flirt.”
“I’m a lawyer who just happens to work in finance. He’s the finance nerd. And while we’re on the subject, don’t act like I forgot that you also made a drunken confession that night, playing nurse and doctor with Hector’s scrubs.”
We both stare at each other over our coffee cups before bursting into laughter.
“Ugh, I know,” I say finally. “It’s complicated and I don’t expect you to understand but…”
“But what?” She sounds so disappointed, like she was hoping we were actually together. “Why can’t you just have fun with it and see what happens?”
“And then what, Bec? What happens if it is just for fun and one of us catches feelings? Or what if we both try and it just plain doesn’t work out. How do we navigate that in our professional life? And do we just say bye to ever being normal friends again?”
Her smile fades and she reaches for my hand. “I just wish you could relax and let things happen. You’re always so in control. Doesn’t it get exhausting?”
“Yes,” I answer truthfully, vulnerable as it is. “But I have taken risks. I took a huge risk when I turned down my firm and pursued things with Austin professionally.”
“Exactly and look how that paid off.”
“Yeah, but I didn’t know what I was risking at the time besides money. Money can be replaced, but you can really ruin a friendship with—whatever it is he and I were doing.”
She drops my hand. “Well, for what it’s worth, I think you both already have serious feelings for each other; you just can’t admit it… either to yourself or each other.”
“Of course we care about each other.”
“Please, spare me the bullshit. You know what I mean. You both have romantic feelings for each other. It’s evident in the way you guys interact and look at each other and that kiss. Need I say more?”
“Either way, it doesn’t matter because right before you got here, he texted me saying he was sorry and it was a mistake.”
“What?” Her voice echoes through the room.
“Our talk yesterday didn’t end too great. I don’t want to go into details, but I think his feelings were hurt when he found out some information.”
“He’s just being difficult. He probably wants to feel like you actually want him since it sounds like he’s been the one pursuing you.”
I look at her suspiciously. “Did he tell you to say that?”
“No, I’m just taking a guess. Look, I’ve always known he had a thing for you, even before you told me about almost kissing years ago. But seeing him with you yesterday, it’s clear it’s not just a crush.”
“I know that,” I say after several seconds of silence, finally admitting to myself that I know he’s falling for me. “And that’s what scares me. I’m not sure I’m emotionally ready to fall again and I know that if he kisses me even one more time, I’m going to be so irrevocably screwed.”
“Screwed because you’ll be in love or screwed like literally?”
“Yes and yes.” I laugh but it fades quickly, remembering the way he looked at me in the car yesterday. “He sees right through me.”
“Austin?”
I nod. “It’s scary.”
“Because it’s vulnerable.” I nod in agreement. “I understand the apprehension. It can feel very scary to let someone else see every part of you.”
“That’s the crazy part. It’s things I thought I was hiding from him.” She gives me a knowing look, one that says duh, because he’s in love with you. But I’m not ready to hear those words yet. “It’s also scary because the last time I let someone in…” I shake my head, tears threatening to fall.
“Is it the lack of closure?”
“What do you mean?”
“You haven’t opened up too much about how things ended between you and Noah. I know you made the choice to walk away, but you also mentioned that it left you with a lot of unanswered questions.”
“Yeah.” I nod, staring off into space. “Maybe closure is the right word. It’s not feelings that linger anymore but—he left like I never even mattered to him. Like he wasn’t even surprised or sad.”
“You wanted him to fight for you.”
“I think so.”
“Would it have changed anything?”
“Probably not but at least it would have been something. God, even if he had yelled at me or told me to go to hell, but just a shrug? It felt like such a letdown. Like I fought so hard and so long for something that he couldn’t have cared less about. It’s hard to see someone you never thought would, look right through you like you never mattered.”
I can feel my frustration and confusion beginning to snowball. I hate feeling this way. Like a child who can’t let something go. As if hearing him say the words that I meant nothing or wasn’t worth fighting for will somehow ease the pain and make it better.
“Your feelings are valid—if that makes a difference. But at some point, you’re going to have to deal with those emotions and find closure so you can move on and be happy.”
I sigh, leaning back against my kitchen island. “I miss hanging out with him—Austin, I mean. Back when we first started the firm, we’d hang out outside of work, but then it transitioned into him sitting on my couch every Friday before we left the office.”
“Another thing you had to hide from Noah,” she reminds me. “Why not start there? Invite him to yoga with you Tuesday night.”
“He doesn’t do yoga; he runs.”
“Fine, go running with him.”
“I’ll invite him to yoga,” I agree, really not loving the idea of panting and sweating my way down Lake Shore Drive.
She checks her phone, then snatches the pastry box from the counter. “I’m going to head back home. Hector should be off by now and he would kill for the rest of the donuts.”
“Well, thanks for stopping by.” I give her a hug. “And for the advice. I know you hate hearing about Noah still.”
“I just want to see you happy. By the way, Mia is really nice. I think the three of us should hang out sometime.”
I bristle at the idea of hanging out with a woman whom Austin isn’t currently dating but has dated in the past.
“I don’t know, have they…” I hate that the thought popped into my head and I really hate that I said it out loud.
“Ohhh.” She pauses. “I guess I didn’t think about that. Did you happen to notice anything about her, though? The way she looks?”
“She’s a beautiful blonde with a nice ass and perky boobs.” I know I sound jealous, so I reach for the last of my donut to shove into my mouth before I make it worse.
“Yeah, that’s my point.”
“What’s your point? That’s Austin’s type.” I shrug, wiping my hands and the counter free of the crumbs. She stares at me for several more seconds. “What?”
“She looks just like you.”
I ’m more nervous riding the elevator to my office than I was on my first day of law school, my internship, and starting this job combined.
“Morning.” An older gentleman I don’t recognize nods at me briefly when he enters the elevator.
“Good morning.” I smile back, clutching the straps of my bag like I’m hanging on for dear life. The seconds tick by slower than usual, the elevator climbing at what feels like a snail’s pace. Four, five, six… I watch the numbers change one by one, the car lurching to a stop on seven before the doors open.
“Hey, Gary.” Austin’s deep voice fills the small space, his eyes glancing over me like nothing awkward occurred between us over the last few days. Like I didn’t completely leave him hanging after he texted me.
“Hey, Austin, long time no see.” The old man’s face lights up, his hand darting forward to shake Austin’s. “How are my investments doing?” He laughs.
I dig into my pocket to retrieve my phone, hoping there’s something on the screen to distract me as the two men make a few jokes before Gary exits on his floor.
“Good morning, Miss Harrington.” His eyes stay forward, his hands sliding deep into the fitted charcoal suit pants he’s wearing, my favorite pants he wears actually. My head tilts a little as I take an extra second to appreciate the way his ass fills out the pants.
“Are you really trying to hide yourself in your phone?”
“No.” I jump, reminding myself not to sound so defensive. “No, I just wanted to check my schedule for the day.”
“I’d ask if you had a nice weekend but—” He turns to look at me, his lazy smile sending butterflies dancing through my belly. “I heard some asshole fucked it up for you.”
My laugh is one of relief, as if I’ve been holding my breath that he wasn’t going to acknowledge it. “I wouldn’t say it was all bad.”
“I’ve missed hearing that lately, your laugh.” His eyes linger on mine as we ride the final few floors to my office. “I hope I didn’t fuck up more than just your weekend.”
I take a step forward so I’m next to him, about to ask if we can just pretend it never happened, but before I can reply, the doors open and his hand is pressing gently against the small of my back. He walks out of the elevator with me, even though his office is a floor above mine, his hand never pulling away from me till we reach my office door.
“We’re okay,” I say, pausing outside my office.
“Are we?” His eyes study mine, our bodies only a few inches apart. It’s dangerous being this close to him, especially now that it’s not unknown territory.
“Do you want to go to yoga with me tomorrow night? Not as a date.”
Why’d you say that?
He smirks, ignoring my comment. “I would love to go with you, but I actually signed up for cycle class tomorrow night. It’s for a charity event. You pledge so many cents or dollars per mile you ride in the class.”
“Oh, okay. No worries.”
“Do you want to go to that with me? We could do yoga another night? Thursday?”
“Okay, yeah, sure.”
“Great. I’ll send you the link to book your bike in the class. We probably won’t end up by each other, but it’ll be fun.”
“Yeah, totally.” My smile has to be outrageous right now because it’s stretching my cheeks past their comfort. Not because I’m that excited to go to a cycle class with Austin but because I have no idea what I’m getting myself into.
“Okay,” he says again, neither of us moving away from the other. He looks past me into my office for a second, his gaze falling to the edge of my desk where I was standing when he first kissed me.
“I should—” I gesture toward my office just as he reaches up to run both hands through his hair.
“Fuck,” he groans in a low voice that is reminiscent of yesterday. “Yeah, get in your office.” He presses against my back, ushering me through my doorway. “Before I fuck everything up again.”
When my door slams behind me, I can’t keep myself from smiling. All that self-talk I did this weekend, all that back and forth about whether I could let myself fall for Austin, if it was a bad idea or not, threatening to slide right out of my head the second I saw him.
They don’t call it a battle between your head and your heart for nothing. The problem isn’t that my head and heart want two different things… it’s that they both want the same thing and I’m terrified of what will happen once I have it.
“ Y ou’ve been to Cycle Mania before, right?” Cherry, the enthusiastic instructor, pops her gum.
“Oh, yeah, yeah. I think a long time ago.” I’ve never been to any sort of cycle class and judging from how loud the music is already bumping and the general energy of the room, I’m guessing I have no idea what I’m in for.
“Okay, great.” She flashes her perfectly straight veneers. “We are Chicagoland’s premier cycle bar and we do offer a towel and free shoes for all guests. We like to pride ourselves on not just being a workout but more like an entire spiritual journey. What shoe size are you?”
“Uh, seven.”
“Here.” She hands me a pair of shoes. “There are lockers to put your things in and I’ll show you how to get strapped into your bike if you follow me.”
I glance around the crowd of people coming in and out of the studio, hoping to find a glimpse of Austin.
“Tonight’s class is a charity event, so we are completely booked.” I follow her inside the studio to a bike in the very front row next to the instructor.
“Oh, is that the spot I booked?” I nervously look back at the room, a sea of faces already in their bikes, staring back at me.
“Unfortunately, yes.” She giggles. “We call this the hot seat. Since you booked late.”
Great, now my humiliation tonight will be on full display.
Her smile fades and she grabs my hand. “Like I said, let this class be your spiritual journey. It’s not a competition, even though everyone’s name and performance will be on the big screen up front during the class. Let this just be about you finding yourself.”
“On that screen?” I point to the large TV just over my head.
“Yes, and all the smaller screens around the room. Hey, Tonya!” She waves to another woman who has just walked in. “I hope you’re ready because tonight’s class is going to kick your ass!”
“Hey.” Austin appears next to me. “I’m on the bike over there, in the back.”
He points to the far corner, my eyes instantly drawn to his exposed arm, the t-shirt he’s wearing allowing for a glimpse of his side from the large holes where the sleeves have been ripped off. My mouth goes dry when he lifts the bottom of his shirt to wipe at his face. “I was just warming up a little.” A smattering of dark hair trails from his belly button to beneath his waistband.
“I’m, um…” I point to the bike I’m standing next to, hoping he didn’t notice me staring. “I’m here. I guess that’s what I get for signing up late.”
“You’ll just give the guys in here some motivation throughout class.” He nods toward my outfit of a sports bra and matching spandex shorts.
“What? It’s what I wear to yoga.”
“You do a lot of up and down stuff in yoga? A lot of fast-paced bouncing around?”
“No.” I crinkle my nose. “Why?”
“No reason.” He smirks as Cherry’s voice breaks over the speaker system.
“Okay, maniacs, two minutes till class starts. Let’s get strapped in and ready to rock!”
“Come on, let me help you.” I follow Austin’s guidance, placing my riding shoe on the pedal and snapping it into place. I repeat the process on the other side, adjusting myself on the seat and trying not to notice the way his warm fingers press into my thigh as he guides my movements.
“How’s that feel?” he asks after adjusting the seat.
“Like I’m straddling something hard.”
“You say that like it’s a bad thing.”
Ignoring his playful smirk, I grimace at the foreign feeling of a spin bike seat butting up against my ass cheeks.
“It is when it’s unwelcome.”
“Mmm.” He smirks, pressing against my mid back so I’m forward. He drops his hand down, just above my tailbone, and pushes, prompting me to tilt my hips forward. “I’m glad you didn’t make that face when you felt me then.”
And just like that, the tension between us is thick and charged. I look up at him, my hands gripping the handlebars.
“Don’t arch your back. Keep your hips tucked like this.” His hand lingers on my waist.
“What face did I make?”
He looks down at my cleavage that’s on full display in this sports bra, dragging his teeth slowly over his bottom lip with a deep chuckle.
“I’ll tell you after class, if you can beat me.”
He walks back to his bike, clipping in his shoes just as Cherry starts the music and launches us into the most agonizing and grueling fifty minutes of my life.
“Let’s add a full turn on the dial and get out of the saddle!”
Oh God, I’m actually going to die.
My breathing has never been this labored. It feels like I’m inhaling fire while a semi is sitting on my chest.
“Come on, give me a thirty-second all-out sprint!”
I pedal my legs as fast as they’ll go, my face beet red and dripping with sweat. I glance up, the rest of the room looking like they’re laughing and having the time of their lives while I try to save them from witnessing a live death onstage.
The lights bounce from red to dark to light to a mix, thankfully disguising the look of agony that I’m afraid might be permanently etched on my face. The rhythm finally slows and I lift my eyes, trying to subtly look at Austin, and when I find him, his eyes are already on mine.
“We have a brand-new rider tonight, class.” The bright light goes on full blast right above me. “Let’s all give Taylor a warm welcome for being so brave and joining us!” The room erupts into cheers. “And let’s kick it into high gear, speed and resistance now. Add it!”
I crank my gear, rising out of my seat and giving it my all. It’s only now that I realize two things.
One, she left the damn light on above me so that it’s like I’m in a spotlight. And two, I now understand why Austin asked earlier what I do in yoga because my flimsy bra can barely contain my tits as they bounce and jostle with my movements.