Chapter 12
A lex
Mid-November
Pregnant.
I’m going to be a dad again.
I should feel happy. Or at least content. Something.
Instead, I feel devastated.
I’m sitting alone on my back patio, bundled up against the cold November air, trying to find something good out of Natalie’s news. All I can feel is pain.
Somehow, I feel like I’m losing Sara all over again. I can’t have a baby with another woman. That would mean I’m moving on from Sara. I can’t do that to her.
Yes, you can.
God dammit. Not this again.
Don’t think-talk to me like that.
“Come on,” I groan aloud. Does every widower have conversations with their dead wives, or is it just me?
It’s not just you. A bunch of us up here do it. You’re the only one who talks back, though.
“This isn’t funny, Sara,” I whisper. “I can’t do this with her. I can’t have a baby that isn’t part of you.”
I gave the best parts of me to you in Abbie and Ben. But you still have more to give .
“No, I don’t.”
Yes, you do.
“You never argued this much when you were alive,” I grumble.
I was safe. She isn’t.
Holy fuck. Natalie isn’t safe. I never thought about that before. She scares the hell out of me. Natalie and Sara are at opposite ends of the spectrum. Sara was cooperative and peaceful. Natalie is somehow a juxtaposition between patience and chaos. She’s colorful and happy, but in a way that feels like she’d jumble up everything into disarray, and still make it look like she planned it that way.
You need her.
“No, I don’t.”
I feel the moment Sara leaves my thoughts. Like she stated her final opinion, and she knows I need time to come to terms with it.
I need to talk to someone, but I don’t know who to call. I should have asked Natalie if any of the girls, especially my sister Arianna, know yet. If they know, their husbands know. And that would mean my parents probably also know.
Picking up my phone, I call Arianna’s husband, Stone. He’s been my best friend longer than he’s been her husband, so I’m hoping he’ll keep what I have to say between us for now.
“Hey, man,” he says when he picks up.
“Hey. You busy?” I ask, immediately noticing how off my voice sounds.
“I don’t have to be,” he answers warily. “What’s going on?”
“Is my sister right there?”
“She’s putting Bianca to bed. Why?”
“Has she told you anything about me today?” I inquire.
“That’s random,” he laughs. “No, you haven’t come up in conversation.”
“Huh. I guess that’s good, then. I had to have been the first to know,” I muse.
“Know what?”
“That I got her friend Natalie pregnant.”
A long pause.
“I’ll be at your house in two minutes.”
Five minutes later, Stone sits beside me on the patio, both of us drinking from long-neck bottles of beer.
“What did you tell Ari?” I finally ask.
“That you needed help with something. So we better come up with a suitable story before I go home,” Stone laughs.
“There’s no way Arianna knows. She’d have busted in here immediately, and I doubt she’d have kept it from you.”
“I agree. I can’t decide if she should hear it from you, or Natalie, though. She’s going to be hurt either way.”
“Take this with a grain of salt, Stone, but your wife can fuck right off with that selfish thinking. This isn’t about her. This was definitely not planned. It happened once, and until tonight, I hadn’t seen Natalie again. Well, that’s not exactly true. But it definitely only happened once. Hell, she had to look up my address on the internet because we never exchanged phone numbers.”
“I don’t think she’ll be hurt in the way you think. She’ll know how hard this will be for you, and how much Natalie has struggled. She’ll be heartbroken for both of you to be in this predicament. She’s keeping the baby, I assume?”
I nod. “I’d never tell her to get rid of it, but she was pretty clear that she was keeping it.”
We’re silent for a few minutes as we nurse our beers.
“You okay?” Stone finally murmurs, his voice quiet.
I pause before finally saying, “No.”
“I figured.”
“I feel like I cheated on Sara,” I admit.
“You didn’t. Sara would say the same thing.”
“I know. I hear things in my head in Sara’s voice sometimes. It’s like she’s talking to me. She’s been saying ‘she needs you’ for a few months,” I say, with air quotes, “and it took me until today to realize she wasn’t talking about Abbie. She was talking about Natalie, as if she knew Natalie was a foregone conclusion.”
“Maybe she did. I’m not a very spiritual guy, but I do believe there’s a higher being. I won’t even begin to think about how things go in the afterlife. Maybe Sara is talking to you. Maybe she knows what’s going to happen, and she’s asking you to trust the process.”
“If the roles were reversed, I highly doubt I’d be welcoming a man into Sara’s life,” I say with a bitter chuckle. “I’d be haunting that son of a bitch.”
Stone laughs. “You say that now. But maybe Sara has watched you suffer for so long that she sent you someone to help you move on.”
“I’m not moving on with Natalie,” I snap.
“I never said you were moving on with her, man. I said moving on. You’re stuck in your grief process. You ever thought about talking to a therapist?”
“Funny you should mention that. Natalie brought it up at Ben’s parent-teacher conference.”
“Fuck,” Stone breathes. “She’s his teacher, too? Damn.”
“Yeah. That’s where I’ve seen her. Since that night, anyway.”
“How the hell did therapy come up in conversation at a conference?” he wonders.
“She mentioned that Ben used to talk about Sara in previous grades, and Sara would be featured in class projects. But this year, Ben has clammed up. Won’t acknowledge his mom at all. Natalie suggested Ben might benefit from a children’s therapist, and I, of course, snapped at her. Then things snowballed, and she told me the same thing you just said. I’m stuck in grief and I need help to move forward.”
“She’s a smart one, that’s for sure. Borderline psychotic on occasion, but so fucking smart.”
“She also insinuated she may have committed some crimes, but that I’d never turn her in, because then I’d have to turn in Arianna, too.”
Stone throws his head back in a bark of laughter. “Why does that not surprise me at all? Seriously, you’re lucky you were deployed so often when they just hit legal drinking age. Natalie, Arianna, and Claire were such fucking trouble out at bars and clubs in Denver. I could barely keep track of all three of them. ”
“Arianna told me about one event that you followed them to,” I confess. When Stone’s head whips to stare at me, I chuckle. “Maybe her twentieth birthday? I don’t think she was legal yet. Someone had to be giving her drinks though, because she said you were pissed and basically threw her over your shoulder to bring her home. She was so fucking excited that she had made you mad.”
“For fuck’s sake,” he mutters. “That right there is the epitome of our entire relationship.”
“Then,” I correct. “It was your relationship then. Anyone within a fifty-mile radius can see how much you adore her. And she’d cut someone off at the knees if they upset you in any way.”
Stone smiles. “And she’s the calmer one of that bunch.”
“Isn’t Claire the quiet one?” I ask, taking another pull of my beer.
“Mostly. But when she gets going and really lets loose, there’s no telling what might happen. One night last year, the three girls met for dinner and drinks. She told Nat and Ari that she was going home, but then texted them the following day from Alaska.”
“Alaska! What the fuck!”
“She’s never been fully open about the details of that night. Every now and again, Arianna tries to drag it out of Claire.”
“Jesus. I guess Natalie could be worse,” I murmur.
“Listen. Natalie is wild a lot of the time, but not in the sense that you think. She’s incredibly passionate about her friends and family. She will hunt someone down if they made Arianna cry. She was ready to go to the state board of obstetrics for how an obstetrician treated Kate a few years ago. She fights for the ones she loves. And she’s excellent with Bianca. There are worse people for you to knock up. She’s one of the good ones.”
“I guess it’s good that she’s a teacher,” I comment. “Although she snapped back at Abbie today. I was a little surprised.”
“Your daughter needs that. Everyone walks around her like she’s breakable. Abbie needs someone to stand up to her, but to also teach her how to stand on her own two feet.” Stone’s phone buzzes, and he immediately stands. “Shit. Arianna’s asking questions. What do you want me to tell her? ”
I think for a moment, wondering what she’ll believe. “Tell her I’m struggling and needed someone to talk to. That I needed a man’s perspective. She can’t get mad at that.”
Stone lifts a brow. “You clearly underestimate your sister.”
I laugh. “Maybe so. Once I know if Natalie wants to tell her personally, I’ll feel comfortable letting the cat out of the bag. I don’t want to step on anyone’s toes.”
“This is your baby too, you know,” Stone says, then laughs. “God, I can’t believe you knocked up Ari’s best friend! Now all we need to do is hook Claire up with Leo, and everyone would be linked in some fucked up Santo circle.”
“Nah,” I say with a chuckle. “Leo’s still got a thing for this chick he dated back in the day. He won’t say anything about it, though. But I know he does.”
“How’s he doing?” Stone asks quietly.
“Who knows,” I sigh. Leo was injured in a military event overseas. He’s always been very hush-hush about his deployments, which I obviously understand. We didn’t find out he was injured until a few weeks afterward, and even now, a year later, we aren’t exactly sure what he’s doing. After multiple surgeries at a military base in Germany, he was moved to a rehabilitation facility in the States. He’s either still there, or he returned to active-duty service. Phone calls with Leo are few and far between, and he rarely returns text messages. Even with our common military experiences, he won’t open up.
“I should hold off on sharing the baby daddy info with Arianna, right?” Stone asks.
“Yeah. Let me confirm with Natalie what’s going on before anyone else finds out. I just needed to talk to — someone. I’m struggling with how to handle this.”
“Well, the good news is pregnancy is nine months. So you have time to figure it all out,” Stone says quietly, slapping me on the shoulder before walking through my house and out to his car.
I don’t sleep a wink that night. My mind whirls at warp speed. How will Ben and Abbie react to a new sibling? What will my parents say? What will Sara’s parents say? It’s all too much .
A selfish part of me wants to tell Natalie I don’t want to be involved. I feel like I’ll see Sara every time I’m around Natalie. But I know my own moral compass won’t let me. I can’t have a part of me walking around, not knowing who I am. Regardless of how this pregnancy is making me feel disconnected to the life I miss, it’s a child. A new baby. I get to have a new baby to love.
I’m fairly subdued as I get my children ready for school in the morning, and I notice Abbie studying me more than once. When I ask if anything is wrong, she shakes her head, but continues to watch me.
After dropping Ben off at the elementary school, Abbie finally turns to me.
“Why was Ben’s teacher at our house last night?” she asks bluntly.
“Just had to discuss some things with me.”
“Then why did Uncle Stone show up a couple hours later?” she asks.
I fail at hiding the smile that threatens to peek out. It’s only been a few months that Abbie has been calling him that, but Ben transitioned immediately upon knowing Stone and Arianna were together and expecting a baby. Like in many things, my daughter took her sweet time acclimating to the new normal, which is why I decide to do something very out of character for me.
Pulling over the car onto a side street, I pop it into park and turn to her.
“Dad, what are you doing?” she asks nervously.
“You want to know why Ben’s teacher was there, and then why Uncle Stone was there?”
Abbie nods, chewing on the inside of her cheek. Hands gripped tightly together in her lap, I know she’s struggling to keep a nonchalant expression on her face. Abbie internalizes a lot, much like me, and it’s rare that she shows her emotions. Well, emotions other than snark, and teenage angst.
I take a deep breath and begin to tell Abbie the news that is going to rock her world. “Ben’s teacher is a friend of Aunt Arianna. Did you know that?”
She shrugs. “I mean, I guess she looked a little familiar. ”
“She hasn’t been to many family events, but she’s definitely been around us because her brother played hockey with Uncle Luca in high school. That’s how she met Aunt Arianna.”
“Okay?”
“I’ve run into Natalie a few times over the last few months. She was in a bad relationship with a man who hit her.”
Abbie’s face noticeably pales. “How long did she stay in it?”
“You know, I’m not exactly sure. I think a couple years.”
Abbie scoffs before rolling her eyes. “I don’t get why women do that. Why would they stay? The first time a man hits me, I’m outta there.”
“I think that’s easy for you to say, but when you’re in the situation, it’s different. I handle domestic disturbances often, Abigail. Men don’t suddenly hit a woman. They systematically destroy a woman’s self-confidence first, until she thinks she can’t leave.”
“I still don’t understand why she was at our house last night, Dad.”
“I’m getting to it,” I mutter. I try to remember the terminology I used when I gave Abbie the birds and the bees talk a couple years ago. The only thing more awkward than that conversation would be trying to explain what a tampon is, and how to insert one. I haven’t had to do that yet, but seeing as I don’t have the same bits and pieces as a woman, I plan on asking one of my sisters to step in to assist when the time comes.
“I’m waiting,” Abbie huffs, crossing her arms in annoyance. God, the sass from this child of mine.
Rip off the Band-Aid.
“Ben’s teacher and I spent a night together,” I say hurriedly. “And she came over last night to tell me she’s pregnant.”
Closing my eyes, I steel my spine as I prepare for Abbie’s inevitable explosive reaction, but she shocks me. “Seriously? You got Ben’s teacher pregnant?”
“I did,” I sigh.
“Wow.”
“Yeah. ”
We sit for a few minutes in silence, lost in our own thoughts. Finally, Abbie breaks the quiet. “How does this work now?”
“What do you mean?” I ask.
“Well, you aren’t with Ben’s teacher, right?” I shake my head. “So when the baby is born, does it stay with her, or with us? Is it going to have our last name? Who am I allowed to tell? Is that why Uncle Stone came over last night? What did he say? Does Aunt Arianna know yet? Do Nani and Papa know?”
“Only Stone knows. No one else, especially Nani and Papa.” My parents will be split in their reactions. My mother will be ecstatic, thrilled to be adding another grandchild to the mix. My father will undoubtedly be disappointed I knocked up a girl out of wedlock.
“How are you feeling about this, Dad? You kinda look like you might hurl, and I swear if you puke on me, I’m not responsible for how I react,” Abbie threatens ominously.
I can’t help but chuckle. “I’m feeling pretty freaked out, Abs. I never thought I’d have another child, and I certainly didn’t think it would be with someone I barely know.”
“Well, Aunt Arianna knows her, and we all know she wouldn’t allow someone into her inner circle unless they were a good person. Aunt Arianna won’t put up with bullshit,” Abbie says proudly. It’s honestly true, and I’m not surprised that my baby sister has bestowed that little nugget of wisdom onto my daughter.
“That is true,” I murmur. Looking over at Abbie, I see her head tilted as she watches me. She looks so much like Sara right now, my chest aches. Reaching up, I cup her cheek. “This is a lot for a twelve year old. But I wanted to be honest with you, and give you enough time to wrap your head around everything.”
“I’m stronger than you think, Dad.”
“I never said you weren’t strong, sweet pea. But you have always needed extra time to adjust when there are major changes to your life. This qualifies as a major change.”
“When are you going to tell Ben?” Abbie asks quietly.
I hesitate. “I’m not sure. We’ll need to make sure there aren’t any district policies about Natalie being Ben’s teacher. I need to tell all your grandparents as well.”
“Why do you need to tell Grandma and Grandpa? It won’t be their grandchild,” Abbie comments. My heart squeezes.
“It’s still a big part of my life. Of our lives. When they come to see you on your birthdays, there will be another baby there. They deserve to learn about it beforehand.”
“They’ll probably tell you to have the new one call them Grandma and Grandpa too. They love kids when they’re little,” Abbie says wistfully. I detect a minor bite to her tone that wasn’t there a moment ago, and I’m not sure what it’s about. Has she gotten the impression her grandparents don’t care about her since she’s older? I make a mental note to ask Sara’s parents if they’ve noticed anything when they had Abbie and Ben for the weekend a few months ago.
I vowed after Sara died to make sure I kept Jim and Nancy involved in the kids’ lives, and I’ve stuck to that vow. At first, it helped me to be close to them. It was another piece of Sara that I latched onto with both hands. But over time, I’ve felt more and more awkward when they’ve asked about my social life. Nancy point-blank asked me a year ago if I was dating anyone, and I inhaled so quickly that I choked on my food.
Sara was their only child, and I don’t know how they’ll react to the news of me having another kid. Hell, I don’t know how my own damn family will react.
“I’m not worried about anyone else right now, Abs. I’m only worried about you, and what you’re thinking. It’s okay to be upset, too.”
“I’m not upset. I guess it’s weird, cuz I’ll be so much older than it. And I don’t like knowing you had sex,” she says with an exaggerated shudder. I’ve never sugar-coated things with Abbie, and I won’t with Ben either. Our birds and the bees talk allowed her to ask me blunt questions, and I’ve answered her with honesty and truthfulness.
“You’ll be almost thirteen years apart,” I muse. “I never thought about that. ”
“Listen, Dad, I’m cool with this whole conversation, but can we get a move on? I don’t want to get a tardy.”
Effectively put in my place by my twelve-year-old, I chuckle. “As long as you’re sure you’re okay. You promise to come to me with any questions?”
“I promise, as long as you promise I don’t have to change any poopy diapers.”
“I’ll do my best, but I make no guarantees. If he or she poops while you have them, it’s on you.”
Abbie lets out a horrified gasp. “Like, on me , on me?”
I laugh heartily. “Not literally on you, Abs. That only happens rarely.”
Abbie pauses as she digests my words. “Do they really poop on you?”
“Like I said, not very often. But little boys sure do pee on you a lot.”
She shudders. “Guess I’m praying for a sister then.”
I’m not sure I can take another run at a teenage girl, but I do appreciate this conversation going easier than I thought it would.