Chapter 13
N atalie
Mid-November
“The doctor will be in to see you soon,” the nurse says warmly as she hands me a sheet. “Everything off from the waist down. You can keep your socks on if you’d like.”
Yes, I’d like. It’s about fifty degrees in here, and I’m literally shivering. That could be due to nerves, though.
I never heard from Alex. Not that I expected to, necessarily, but I had hoped he’d let me know if he planned on attending today. I’m sure if I had asked, my mom would have come. But they live over an hour away, and I didn’t want to stress her out. Meteorologists are calling for snow today, and she hates driving in winter weather. But more importantly, since she doesn’t know about the pregnancy yet, dropping it out of the blue yesterday would have been too much for her.
But I need to tell people. No one at school knows because I’m terrified of it getting back to Alex’s family before he can tell them. I think Gail, the principal, suspects something, because she’s caught me vomiting in the staff bathroom twice over the past two weeks. The nonstop nausea has been crippling, but the vomiting is the worst. I can’t stand puking.
I’m debating on calling Claire for moral support when there’s a knock at the door.
“Hi, Natalie. I’m Doctor Morales,” a woman says warmly as she steps into the stark white clinical room. The waiting room is warm and inviting, with rows upon rows of baby pictures adorning the walls. But this room is painfully stale and cold. “Will dad be joining us today?”
“Uh, I’m not sure. We aren’t together, but I told him about the appointment. I guess he decided not to come,” I whisper, suddenly overcome with emotion that I didn’t expect. “This is stupid. Why am I crying? It was a one-time thing, and he doesn’t owe me anything.”
Doctor Morales sits on her stool, wheeling it over to me, and places her hand on my arm. “It’s not stupid. You’re pregnant and hormonal, and from my records, I see this is your first baby. You’re anxious and nervous about all the unknowns. You’re completely valid in your reaction, okay?”
I nod as I wipe away an errant tear on my cheek. “Okay.”
“Since you haven’t had an ultrasound before, I’m first going to do a vaginal ultrasound. If you’re far enough along, I’ll switch to the external one for your stomach.”
“Why do you do an internal one?” I wonder aloud.
“It’s easier to see a tiny embryo when the probe is right up against the uterus, and doesn’t have to scan through layers of fat or organs. Once the fetus is large enough, abdominal ultrasounds are the better option. Scoot down for me, and put your feet in the stirrups.”
I scoot down, then scoot some more, until my ass is hanging completely off the table.
“Okay, I’m going to insert the scope, and you’ll feel my fingers. Can you pull the sheet up slightly toward your head?”
“Oh, sure,” I say, then immediately yank the sheet so hard it pulls completely off my legs. A perfect opportunity for the door to open, and Alex to walk in, his gaze immediately drawn to my wide open bottom half.
“Oh, shit,” he blurts out, turning toward the door as he throws a hand to cover his eyes. “I’m so sorry. I should have knocked. I know how these things go and I didn’t fucking knock.”
“Dad, I presume?” Doctor Morales says dryly.
“Yeah. Um, should I leave?” he asks bashfully.
“No!” I shout. I’m two seconds away from having a nervous breakdown, and he’s the only one here, so he needs to hold my hand and calm me down. “Just get up here so you’re not watching the whole show.”
I hear him snicker as he carefully sidesteps the small rolling tray holding the probe, then gives me a curt smile. “I’m sorry I’m late. Had to respond to an accident and it took much longer to clear than I anticipated.”
I give him a shaky smile in return. “I figured you weren’t coming. You didn’t text, so I assumed —”
“I know,” he interrupts. “I should have texted. Or called. Or showed up at your apartment. Something. I’ll be as involved as you want, Nat. As involved as you’ll let me.”
“Alright, let’s get this party started,” Doctor Morales says as she holds up the probe, which mostly just looks like a giant wizard’s wand with an electrical cord. Definitely not what I expected. I take a relieved exhale as I’m able to focus on her, instead of focusing on Alex. It’s what I wanted to hear from him, but instead of feeling peace or happiness, I’m overcome with emotion as tears cloud my vision.
I don’t speak as she begins to insert the probe. It’s a tiny bit more uncomfortable than a regular gynecological exam, but when Doctor Morales hits a button on the ultrasound machine, a quick beating heart sound fills the room, and I cease breathing.
There is a baby in me. In me.
Holy fucking shit.
“Wow,” Alex breathes. “Nat, look.”
I follow his pointed hand to see the screen on the machine, where I can clearly make out the shape of a kidney bean with limbs. I don’t realize I’ve reached out to grab Alex’s hand until he squeezes it.
I’m completely speechless. I’m growing a human. One that will be a mixture of me and Alex. A baby that will depend on me for everything. It’s daunting, but exhilarating at the same time.
“From my measurements, I’m putting you at just shy of twelve weeks along. That will put your due date at May twenty-eighth of next year,” Doctor Morales states.
“That’s good. You can finish out the year,” Alex comments .
“Oh?” she asks.
When I don’t respond, my eyes unable to move from the image of my baby, Alex supplies the answer. “Natalie teaches fourth grade.”
“Ah. As long as you watch signs your body isn’t being pushed too much, and sit as often as needed, you should be fine to work well into May.”
When Doctor Morales excuses herself to allow me to get dressed, Alex clears his throat. “I’ll, uh, meet you in the waiting room.”
“Why? Not like you haven’t seen it all before,” I respond.
“Just trying to be respectful here, Nat. I’m not sure of expectations in this situation.”
“Neither am I. But please, just stay. I don’t want to be alone,” I blurt out. I take a quick glance at Alex to find him staring at me incredulously, both eyebrows raised. “Did I stun you into silence?”
“Maybe a little,” he admits with a low laugh. Scratching at the scruff on his chin, he grabs onto his bullet proof vest, holding onto the neckline that sits snugly against his collarbone. My eyes automatically dance down his body, admiring how handsome he looks in his uniform.
“I’ve never seen you up close in your uniform before.”
“I’m not surprised. We work similar hours for the most part, and I’m never at the elementary school.”
I stare unabashedly, somehow finding it incredibly hot to see his holstered gun. But my eyes bug out when I notice the gleaming handcuffs, and my mind immediately takes me to a dark place where all of my fantasies go to die.
“Eyes are up here, Nat,” Alex says with a laugh.
“Huh?”
“You’re staring at my crotch.”
“That is incorrect. Technically I was staring at your belt, which is on your waist.”
“Care to enlighten me as to what on my belt had you so riveted?”
“No. And since you got quite the view as you came into the room, I think it’s only fair that I do as well.”
He laughs again, a sound that fills me with joy. For as long as I’ve known Alex, he’s always been introverted. He exudes power, but he’s quiet and focused. Alex doesn’t give out his laughs willy-nilly, and I feel like I need to memorize them when they’re focused on me.
“Alright. Get dressed. I have to go back to work,” he says finally, but a newfound twinkle in his eye stops my movement again. This is new. Very unlike the stoic Alex Santo that I’ve known. “What? You’re looking at me weird.”
“Nothing,” I say hurriedly. “Just feel bad you have to go back to work.”
“How’d you get out of teaching this afternoon?” he asks, turning so I can get dressed in privacy.
“Just told them I had a medical appointment, and I couldn’t find any times that worked better. I think my principal is on to me, though. She’s caught me barfing a couple times.”
“You’ve been throwing up?”
“Yeah. At least once a day. I just wish it helped with the nausea. Basically I feel like shit all the time.” I quickly slip on my underwear and leggings before sitting to slip my feet into boots.
“Sara threw up every morning as soon as she woke up, and then she’d be nauseated until dinnertime. The doctors were worried about her weight because she was so skinny.”
“Well, that won’t be a problem for me,” I mutter. I’m surprised Doctor Morales didn’t talk about my weight during the appointment. Not only am I creeping up on ‘advanced maternal age,’ but I’m also obese. Most doctors latch onto that with all their claws. Casting a quick glance at Alex, I assume I’ll find a pained and anguished expression on his face as he reflects on memories of Sara, but instead, I find him staring at the ultrasound picture in his hand. He looks almost pleased. Peaceful. Borderline happy. But his head whips up to stare at me.
“What do you mean it won’t be a problem for you?” he asks.
I shrug as I feel my face warm, looking down at my boots. “Obviously I won’t have to worry about being too skinny. I could stand to lose a few pounds. ”
Bending down to scoop my purse off the floor, I move to scoot past Alex, but his hand on my forearm stops me.
“What?” I ask quietly.
“I don’t ever want to hear that kind of talk come out of your mouth.” His voice is so low, dangerously low, that I refuse to make eye contact. I’m afraid of what I might find, and I don’t need another reason to find him attractive. Just hearing him speak right now is making me horribly wet.
“I’m not saying anything out of the ordinary,” I say defensively. “I’m fat. I get it. It is what it is. I like my body. I own it. But I know I’m fat.”
“You are not fat.”
“But I am. Clinically obese. I wear size eighteen clothes, Alex. That isn’t a normal size. I’m fat. It’s fine. You don’t need to be the prince who strides in and says all the right words to save the day.”
I try to get past him, but he puts a hand on the door, ensuring it stays closed. “Your body is fucking spectacular, Sunflower. Your curves are what men dream of. I remember every inch of you, and I know how toned you are. You aren’t fat. You’re voluptuous and breathtaking. They can take their stupid BMI tests and shove it up their asses, because they’re wrong about you.”
I’m in complete shock as my eyes meet his. Alex stares back intensely, as the air around us crackles with electricity. His touch on my arm is like burning embers, setting me on fire in a way that I’ve thought about too much since our night together.
As quickly as the moment came, it’s broken when Alex steps away, quickly opening the door. “I’m sorry, I have to go.”
Before he can lurch out of the room. I call out for him. “I want to tell Arianna. Or at least I want her to know. Do you think it should be you who tells her?”
Alex scratches his chin thoughtfully, but I notice he avoids eye contact. “Honestly, I think it would be better coming from you. I’m her brother, but you’re her best friend.”
“I think you don’t want her to hurt you,” I tease.
He chuckles and nods. “She’s always packed one hell of a punch, and I know she won’t hit you.” He gives me a subtle smile, taps the door twice, then strides down the hall.
I decide to stop by Arianna’s on the way home from my OB appointment. I don’t want to hide this from anyone, and she needs to be the first to know.
Ignoring my churning stomach, I slowly walk up to Arianna’s front door, feeling like I’m walking up to a firing squad. When Stone answers the door, he chuckles. “You ready for this?”
My mouth drops open in shock. “You know, and you haven’t told her?”
“Told me what?” Arianna asks as she rounds the corner with Bianca toddling behind her.
“I’ll leave you to it. Come on in, Natalie,” Stone says warmly, then grunts as Bianca barrels into his knees. “At some point, she’s going to learn how to give soft hugs, right?”
“Dada wub do,” Bianca says as she wipes her nose on Stone’s sweatpants. I notice her cheeks are fairly pink, and she looks pretty miserable.
“What did she say?” I ask.
“Wub do is love you in Bianca language. She can mostly say it correctly, but the congestion and fever have made it pretty difficult for her to speak coherently,” Arianna explains.
“Well, wub do is pretty adorable.”
Stone shuts the door behind me. “I’ll take her for a bath, see if the warm water and steam can loosen up some of the gunk in her lungs.”
“Good idea,” Arianna agrees. “Let’s have a glass of wine, Nat. I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever.”
Shit.
“Uh, no wine. Not drinking.”
She raises an eyebrow as she studies me, pulling down one wine glass from a hanging rack next to her kitchen. “Who knocked you up? ”
“Um,” I stammer nervously. “Well, that’s actually why I’m here.”
“What?” she shrieks. “That was a joke! Are you really pregnant?”
I nod. “Can we sit down?”
“Oh my God, yes. Shit. I won’t drink either, then. Camaraderie. No preggo left behind. Wait. I’m not pregnant, so that didn’t make any sense. But you understand what I’m saying. Shit, Nat! I can’t believe you’re pregnant!” Pushing me into their great room, I marvel at how much the home has changed since Arianna moved in with Stone. Stark white walls have been replaced with a soft blue paint. Framed photos are haphazardly strewn throughout the room, some on the walls, and some on tables. I can’t help but smile when I see one of me, Arianna, and Claire when we were teenagers, then another picture only a few years ago including Hannah and Kate. I’ve created quite the little found family here, and I’m petrified my news is going to shake up our dynamic.
Sitting down, Arianna shakes with excitement. “How are you feeling? Do you know how far along you are? Have you puked a ton? Do you have a baby bump yet? Wait. You can’t be that far along. I’d have known already. Do you need the name of an OB? I really like the one in town. Hannah and I have both used her.”
I take a deep breath. “I’m around twelve weeks, I think. Actually eleven. Yes, I puke constantly, and the nausea never goes away. I don’t have a bump, and I used an OB in Denver.”
“Why did you go to Denver for an OB? Why didn’t you ask me for a recommendation?” she asks, her expression puzzled.
“Because I didn’t want the rumor mill to get wind of it just yet. Not until I told everyone, especially you,” I say quietly.
“Why?” she whispers, her face draining of color.
My eyes well with tears. “Because I’m scared you’re going to hate me, and then I’ll lose my best friend in the whole world, and then everyone will turn on me and I’ll have no support whatsoever, and my family is too far away to do anything, so I’ll be a miserable single mom with no one.”
Arianna’s eyes dance between mine as she processes the information. “ The only way you could possibly think I’d hate you is if you got pregnant by one of my married brothers.”
“Oh, no. I didn’t get pregnant by one of your married brothers. But I did get pregnant by Alex.”
Her eyes bug out comically wide, and she snorts. “Alex? My oldest brother, who can barely stomach being in the same room with the opposite sex without waxing poetic about his dead wife? The same Alex who barely says two words to anyone when he’s in public? That Alex?”
I nod, but find myself defending him. “He’s not always like that. At least that’s not what I experienced. And you don’t know the half of what he’s done for me. Remember me telling you that Rob followed me to a bar, and that a guy stepped in to separate the two of us?”
“Oh my God,” Arianna breathes. “That was Alex?”
“Yeah, but I didn’t tell you, or anyone for that matter, that I kissed him that night. And he kissed me back. Well, for a couple of seconds. Then he freaked out and bolted.”
“That’s the Alex I know,” Arianna jokes painfully.
“Then we ran into each other at that community night for new residents, and we ended up at the same restaurant for dinner. One thing led to another, and I was inviting him back to my apartment. I didn’t think he’d actually say yes, but he did. We agreed it was a one-time thing, but here we are.” I sniffle, thinking back to waking up that morning, and being disappointed Alex was gone. I knew it was only a one-night situation, but I guess I’d hoped to say goodbye. Or get a morning dicking before he left.
“Does Alex know about the pregnancy?” she whispers.
I nod. “I told him last night.”
“How long have you known?”
I wince, embarrassed at how long I held onto this information. “About a month. I kept thinking I’d talk to him when I saw him, and ask to meet up. But I haven’t seen the guy at all! So I finally had to do some cyberstalking to find his address, and I showed up at his house last night. Your niece is a piece of work, by the way.”
“Oh, yeah. The sass on that one is strong. How did Alex react? ”
I close my eyes as tears fall. I’ll never forget the look on his face, or seeing him cry. “Not well. But he showed up at my appointment today, which is good. I’d expected to go it alone.”
“He’d never do that,” she says resolutely. “My brother can be a complete jackass, but his moral compass is borderline perfect. He’d never expect you to go through any of it alone. Jesus, Nat. I can’t believe you’re pregnant!”
“I know,” I say, with a chuckle, as I wipe my eyes. “Are you okay with this? I can’t lose you, Ari. You’re the sister I never had.”
“Of course you won’t lose me!” she cries, wiping her own cheeks. “Is it going to be awkward with Alex? What have you guys discussed moving forward? Co-parenting? Oh! You should move in with him! Then it would be easier for both of you to be with the baby.”
“We haven’t gotten that far, girl. Like I said, I’m only eleven weeks. I literally just told him yesterday.”
“Oh God, Thanksgiving dinner is going to be epic,” she says with a snort. “You going home to your parents? You should come to our family event. It’s always chaotic, but it’s fun.”
“I don’t think that’s wise,” I say hurriedly. “I don’t think Alex has told anyone other than Stone.”
“That MOTHERFUCKER!” Arianna bellows. “I knew something was up when Stone went over there last night, but he acted all nonchalant. ‘Oh, Alex just needed some help.’ That’s bullshit! Do our marriage vows mean nothing to him?”
“In sickness and in health does not mean I gossip about your brother’s news, Princess,” Stone drawls from the hallway. “It was their story to tell, not mine.”
“God dammit,” she mutters. “I hate when he’s right, and he’s all nice about it, not rubbing it in. Sanctimonious jerk.”
“I heard that,” Stone calls.
“Whatever.” Arianna glares in the direction of her husband.
“Stop glaring at me.”
“I wasn’t?—”
“Yeah, you were. Don’t lie.”
Arianna growls next to me, and I let out a loud guffaw of laughter. “It’s almost scary how well he knows you.”
“Then he should already know he’s sleeping on the couch ton — God dammit!” she shouts, as Stone rounds the corner with a blanket and pillow in his hands.
“Precautionary. We both know you’ll let me back in the bed by midnight,” he says huskily as he drops the items next to Arianna, bends down to apply a quick kiss on top of her head, winks at me, and heads back through the hallway.
“I’m angry with him right now, but he’s absolutely correct,” she says sheepishly, shaking her head as we both laugh.
Someday, I hope to have a love like they do.