Chapter 14
A lex
Late November
My parents were much more accommodating about Natalie’s pregnancy than I thought they’d be, surprisingly enough. I assumed my mom would be excited, but Dad is excited too. He’s gotten much more go-with-the-flow since he fully handed over the hotel reins to Dom, and it’s good to see him be relaxed for a change. As for my brother, having Kate in his life has only made things better for him, and he’s finally figured out how to delegate.
It’s been ten days since Natalie’s first OB appointment, and I haven’t spoken to her. I know, it’s a bullshit move. But I misplaced the paper with her number on it, and I’m too scared to ask Arianna for it. That expression ‘she is tiny, but fierce’ was very much made with Arianna in mind. She would have no problem cutting off any of my appendages, and I’m kinda partial to all of them. Including the one that got me in this predicament in the first place.
Tonight I’m telling Jim and Nancy about the baby, and I’m more nervous about telling them than I was with my own parents. I’ve always brought the kids to their house for an early Thanksgiving dinner the Sunday before Thanksgiving, because my entire family has a massive meal on Thanksgiving proper. Jim suggested it first, knowing that my kids would enjoy spending time with their cousins on Thanksgiving.
What I didn’t expect, however, was the fact that Jim and Nancy would take it upon themselves to invite a single woman to their dinner.
“Who’s this?” Abbie bluntly asks as we hand our coats to Jim.
“Abigail, this is Bethany,” Nancy explains. “When we found out she would be alone for Thanksgiving, we had to invite her for dinner.”
“It’s not Thanksgiving,” Abbie deadpans. Brows low on her face, she glares at Nancy and Bethany. “Pretty sure you know how to read a calendar, Grandma.”
“Oh,” Nancy says with a light laugh. “This is our Thanksgiving though. Your grandfather and I don’t celebrate it on Thursday. Bethany was understanding. We thought she might like to meet the three of you.”
“You thought wrong.” Damn. Abbie is pissed. I can feel the animosity coming off of her in waves of teenage hormones and rage.
“Now, Abigail,” Nancy starts, but Abbie interrupts her.
“No. This is awful, Grandma. Dad is perfectly capable of meeting someone himself. You shouldn’t insert yourself in his business.”
“Oh, well, I guess that’s true,” Nancy murmurs.
Bethany makes no effort to hide her thoughts as her eyes slowly drag down and up my body. I get a lot of looks like that when I’m in my police uniform, but getting it while dressed in slacks and a sweater is new, and I’m not sure that I like it.
You’d like it from Natalie.
“Not now, Sara,” I hiss.
“What?” Bethany asks.
“Nothing.” I motion for Bethany to walk in front of me, then turn to Nancy, lowering my voice. “Please tell me this is all a coincidence, and you didn’t bring a woman here for me.”
Nancy gives me a pat on the arm. “We just want you to be happy, Alex. It’s been five years, and we don’t see you moving on.”
“If I wanted to move on, I would have already done it,” I say through gritted teeth. “This is insanity. I loved Sara. I can’t just move on from that.”
“Dad, I told Grandpa about the new baby!” Ben shouts from the hallway .
Nancy’s eyebrows raise. “What baby?”
“I don’t think Dad was ready for that, Benny,” Abbie says with a wicked grin. Leave it to her to find joy in my suffering.
“Shit,” I mutter. “Not how I wanted this to come out. And sorry, Brittney, but whatever Nancy convinced you may happen, it won’t be. Ben and Abbie will be getting a brother or sister next spring. No, I’m not with the mother. We’re going to make it work as co-parents,” I pause, realizing I’ve never spoken to Natalie about, well, anything, “I think.”
“Jim,” Nancy bellows, her eyes never leaving mine, “bring out the good bourbon.”
“Already did, hon,” he hollers back.
“Um, so,” Bethany says as she points back and forth between us, “no chance of anything?”
“Yeah, that’s a no. My plate is a little full,” I tell her honestly.
She turns to Nancy. “I’m gonna go. Nancy has my number if you change your mind.”
It’s an awkward goodbye in the entryway as Bethany finally scoots past all of us, but not before she settles a hand against my abs and drags her hand around my waist.
“What the fuck?” I mutter, grabbing her wrist and tossing it to the side.
“Oh, I’m sorry. It’s tight to fit in here.”
“You had more than enough room. You groped me in front of my daughter. Rest assured, Barbie, I won’t be calling you.”
“It’s Bethany,” she says, irritation evident in her tone.
“I really don’t care,” I say, turning away from her. Grabbing Abbie’s hand, I move us down the hallway and into the dining room. Jim gives me a look as he hands me a tumbler of bourbon. “Thanks.”
“You’re gonna need it, son. Nancy will have questions.”
Two hours later, on my third glass of bourbon, I’m feeling incredibly relaxed. I rarely drink, and their ‘good’ bourbon is indeed quite good. Nancy has already offered up her guest room, and since the kids are off all week for Thanksgiving break, I’m taking her up on the offer. Abbie and Ben share a room here for the time being, but I can see Abbie wanting her own space as she gets older. Right now, she tolerates Ben.
“So, tell us about the girl,” Nancy finally prods. I look around the room to find Ben immersed in a game on his iPad, headphones in place, and I know he won’t hear a thing. Abbie went upstairs right after dinner, after rolling her eyes in disgust at the dessert selection. I asked if she wanted anything, she started to cry, then ran upstairs and slammed the door. I have no idea what set her off.
“Hmm?” I mumble, eyes closed as I lounge on the couch. Nancy is an excellent cook, bringing out all the traditional Thanksgiving dishes. She also made a pumpkin pie from scratch. Not canned pumpkin. From scratch.
“The girl. The one having your baby,” Nancy says gleefully.
“I can’t believe you’re happy about this,” I respond.
“Why wouldn’t I be?”
“Because it’s not Sara’s. You don’t even know Natalie. She could be an ax murderer. A serial killer. A Republican.” Jim and Nancy make no qualms about sharing their political views, but they also don’t argue about them.
“We wouldn’t care if she’s a Republican, and we know she couldn’t possibly be either of the other options.”
“How do you know?”
“Because we trust you, and we know your family. You said she’s been a friend of your sister’s for years. Your family wouldn’t allow a bad seed to infiltrate their circle.”
I think back to my brother Dom’s first wife, Savannah, and what a bad seed she turned out to be, but I don’t bring it up to Sara’s parents. They rarely interacted with Savannah, and I don’t want to talk about it.
“Abbie says Natalie is Ben’s teacher,” Jim pipes up.
I groan. “Damn narc. ”
“Is that allowed? I’m not accusing anything. I’m wondering what the rules are for schools these days.”
“I’m not sure. I haven’t talked to her in a couple weeks.”
Nancy gasps. “Alex! Why on earth not? You should be checking in with her every day!”
“I didn’t want to make her feel uncomfortable. Well, that’s not true,” I admit. “I didn’t want to feel uncomfortable. I don’t know how to talk to her now. Everything is a mess, and I hate it.”
“You’ve never dealt well with big changes,” Jim comments. When I look up at him, he throws his hands up. “What? I might be quiet, but I pay attention. Never could understand how you could deploy with no issues, but then have difficulty with getting used to a new car.”
I chuckle. He’s not wrong. “There are a lot of unknowns in deployments, but it’s still a job, and I knew it well. I hated being away from Sara and the kids, though. I put on a brave face for them, but I’d have at least one night of crying once I got over to the sandbox.”
“They’d put on a brave face for you too, you know,” Nancy says quietly. “Sara would bring the kids here, usually the weekend after you left, and she admitted it was tough being home without you. She was so proud of you, though. So proud.”
“I miss her so much,” I whisper, scrunching my eyes closed as I feel the sting of tears forming behind my eyelids. “So fucking much. If I hadn’t been gone …”
“Then you might have been in the car with her, Alex,” Jim says. “Or all four of you. I can’t imagine the grief you must feel, and I know we exacerbated that by our own grief when we tried to take the kids. But you are not responsible for Sara’s death. You hear me?”
I don’t fight the tears that roll down my cheeks. “I am responsible. I am! She wouldn’t have been on the road at that time. The kids wouldn’t have been at my parents. I’d have been there. I didn’t get to say goodbye. I’ll never forgive myself for that.”
“No one got to say goodbye,” Nancy says tearfully. I hear a sniff, and look up to see her dabbing a tissue on her cheeks. “I take great relief in knowing she was killed instantly, Alex. That she had no fear, no pain. And while her life was short, she was so unbelievably happy. She got to be a wife and mother, thanks to you.”
“Why don’t you hate me more?” I wonder aloud. “If she’d never met me, she may have married a different guy. Lived down the street from you. She might still be alive.”
“Or she could have died in a car accident years before she did. You can’t play the ‘what if’ game here, Alex. We have no idea what might have happened if she never met you that day after the football game. All I can tell you is I know my daughter, and if I could ask her right now if she regretted marrying you or having those two kids, she’d say absolutely not.”
She’s right.
I can’t help but chuckle.
“I don’t think anything I said was funny,” Nancy says, her tone snappy.
“It’s nothing you said. The last few months, I swear Sara talks to me. She said you’re right about her not regretting marrying me, by the way,” I confess.
Jim smiles widely. “She talks to me when I’m working in the garage.”
Nancy nods. “When I’m in the garden.”
“Isn’t it weird? I feel like I’m losing my mind sometimes.”
Nancy shrugs. “Maybe it’s all in our heads, or maybe she really is talking to us. I won’t sit here and claim to understand how death and the afterlife work. All I know is thinking about Sara, and hearing her voice, makes me happy.”
“It makes me miss her even more,” I say quietly. “I need to hold her and tell her all the things I should have said thousands of times. I want to feel her hand in mine, and smell her grapefruit scented shampoo. And every time I argue with Abbie, I want to point at Sara and remind her that her mini-me is a hormonal teenager, and that Sara should deal with her now.”
“We’ve never brought this up before, but I think now is as good a time as any. Son, you need to speak with a professional. Someone who deals with death and grief.” Jim looks intensely at me, waiting to see my reaction.
“I don’t see how me dredging up the past is going to help anything. I can’t bring her back,” I snap.
“You’re stuck in the anger phase of grief, Alex. And that’s not good for anyone in your family. Now that you’re going to be bringing a new baby into the world, you need to think about the future. It’s like you’re in this big lake, and your head is barely above water. You’re not moving, you’re just waiting to drown,” Nancy says softly.
I look around the room, still adorned with pictures of my wife. Our wedding day, pics with the kids, and even her college graduation photos. I find myself rubbing my fist around my chest, hoping to quell the ache inside my heart.
“You know we love you, and we’ve always loved you. You’re like a son to us,” Jim says, clearing his throat. “But if coming here is too painful for you, we understand. We’ve moved past our grief, and it’s clear you’re not there yet. For the sake of your children, Alex, you need to speak with someone.”
I’m quiet as I help get the kids ready for bed. Quiet as I strip down to my boxers in the guest room, and quiet as I think about everything Jim and Nancy said. They aren’t wrong. I’m barely keeping my head above water. Sara was my partner. She was who brought me happiness. There was a comfort there, a level of contentment, that I’d never experienced before. I don’t think that is something I can replicate with anyone.
But they’re right. I can’t keep living like this, with my feet firmly in the past. My children deserve more from me. Tomorrow, I’m calling around for a therapist. I fall asleep quickly, but wake abruptly when I dream of holding her.
Not Sara.
I dream of holding Natalie.
Three incredibly busy days meant I didn’t try to find a therapist. In fact, I barely thought about it again. I certainly didn’t dream about Natalie every night either.
That last one definitely didn’t happen.
More than once each night.
Thanksgiving arrives, a cold, blustery, and snowy one that brings an eerie sense of quiet and calmness to Eternity Springs. Up until last year, we had our Santo family Thanksgiving at my parents’ house, but we’re quickly outgrowing that. This year, my parents decided to save one of the banquet rooms at Everlasting for our dinner. Some of my siblings choose to stay at the hotel for the night. I like my own bed too much, so I intend to drive home. After spending too many holidays on crappy cots, or even hard floors, I refuse to sleep anywhere that might be uncomfortable. I’m getting too old for that.
A decade ago, Dom began a new tradition of blacking out large portions of rooms on Thanksgiving or Christmas. He flip-flops every other year, using it as an opportunity to whittle down the staff needed to work the holiday. Yes, my family takes a hit on income, but we’ve always valued employee contentment highly, and our retention every year shows that.
Commandeering the hotel kitchen for the day has made my mom entirely too giddy. Nothing makes her happier than cooking for her family, especially when almost all of us are home. She plans to make double this year so the few hotel guests we have will still get a traditional Thanksgiving meal, and many of my siblings are flitting in and out of the kitchen as we take orders from our mom.
We all received a quick ‘Happy Thanksgiving’ text from Leo, but none of us have spoken to him. But now, as Mom happily traipses around the kitchen, enjoying the use of all the professional appliances, I sit on one of the covered patios on the back of the hotel, enjoying a cigar with Dom. It’s not something I do very often, but it’s nice to relax and shoot the shit with my brother.
“How was dinner at Sara’s parents’ house?” Dom asks.
I shrug, taking a slow puff on the cigar before blowing a ring of smoke into the crisp air. “It was fine. They tried to set me up. Had a girl there and everything.”
“No fucking way,” he laughs.
“Yeah. Abbie was pissed.”
“What doesn’t piss Abbie off these days?”
“Not much. But she was more mad because of other things.”
“What?” Dom asks, sitting up to put his elbows on his knees. Watching me, he waits for me to explain.
I sigh. “Gonna rip the Band-Aid off here, Dom. I had a one-night stand a few months ago. She’s pregnant.”
“Holy shit,” he breathes, sitting back into his chair with a loud slam. “That is not at all what I thought you were going to say.”
“It kinda gets worse,” I stammer.
“Fucking hell,” Dom mutters. “How the hell could a one-night stand getting pregnant have something worse?”
“It’s one of Arianna’s friends,” I blurt out.
“Oh shit. Yep, that’s worse.”
I nod in agreement. We’re silent for a few minutes, the only sounds from puffing on cigars and light snow landing on the ground in front of us. It’s a beautiful scene, one that never gets old to me. While many of our hot spring areas are closed in the winter months, we have half of the springs and pools open. Today, however, the entire spa and hot springs area is closed, and it’s so peaceful and quiet.
“Which friend?” Dom finally asks.
“Natalie Jackson.” I turn to see our grandmother staring at me with a victorious expression on her face, as if she’s stolen a handful of cookies from the cookie jar.
“That name sounds really familiar,” Dom murmurs, before snapping his fingers. “She teaches at the elementary school. Shit, she’s Ben’s teacher, isn’t she?”
“It doesn’t surprise me that you’d be interested in her. Here, give me a puff,” Nonna says, sitting beside me on the lounger. I’m too shocked to respond as she plucks the cigar out of my mouth, taking a couple drags on it, then hands it back to me .
“What the hell, Nonna?” Dom says incredulously. “Since when do you smoke cigars?”
Nonna raises one eyebrow as she stares back at Dom. “Once upon a time, gentlemen, I was the life of the party. I could tell you amazing stories from Woodstock. Well, the parts I remember.”
I turn to my brother. “Wouldn’t Dad have been born by then?”
“Yes, he was. He went, too.”
“You had a kid at Woodstock?” Dom asks.
“There were tons of children there. It wasn’t all drugs and parties.” Nonna turns to me. “So. You’re having another baby.”
“Yes.” No reason beating around the bush. Nonna is like a bloodhound sometimes. She’ll sniff out the details, regardless of whether I participate in the conversation.
“Well, are you marrying her?” she asks.
“What? No! Why would I marry her?”
“Because you’d be doing the right thing. Supporting her and the baby. It’s fine if you don’t want to, but I’m honestly surprised your moral compass is allowing you to do that.”
I rub the bridge of my nose in annoyance. “I don’t like how everyone assumes I’m perfect and never think about doing bad things.”
“It’s not that exactly. Everyone thinks bad things. That’s human nature. We just know you won’t allow yourself to do anything bad.” Dom gives me a look, almost daring me to argue.
“Clearly I had a one-night stand, so your argument is invalid.”
“It doesn’t matter, Alessio, because you’re going to fall for her, and then your family will be complete again,” Nonna says matter-of-factly.
Before I can respond, Kate pops her head outside. “Sorry to disturb the brotherly bonding, but Alex, Natalie is here? And she says she’s looking for you?”
“What the hell?” I murmur.
“She came here looking for you? That’s creepy,” Dom says quietly.
“She doesn’t have my phone number,” I admit.
“Jesus Christ, man? She has no way to contact you? That’s incredibly fucked up. ”
“I know.” I won’t try to deny it. I cannot compartmentalize Natalie, and I don’t know how to move forward.
As I walk quickly to the front of the room, I see Arianna glaring at me. I clearly see her mouth, “motherfucking jackass” and I don’t disagree. I’m absolutely a jackass right now. When I approach Natalie, I immediately realize something is wrong.
“I’m sorry for just showing up. Arianna invited me, but I was going to go to my parents’ house in Greeley. Then it started to snow, and I decided to stay home.”
“It’s fine, we always have extra food —” I start, but Natalie interrupts me.
“No, Alex, you don’t understand. I’m bleeding a little, and I’m freaking out, and I don’t know where to go. Or what to do. Everyone is here, except for Claire, but she’s way out in Denver, so I just figured I’d come here and maybe get Ari or Kate. But they’re with their families, and I have no one, and …” she trails off as she hiccups, then sobs a little as she looks around. “They’re all staring at me. Do they know?”
“No, not everyone,” I murmur absentmindedly.
“ Angiolo ? Is everything okay?” Mom says as she steps next to us.
“I shouldn’t have come here. I’m sorry. I interrupted your dinner,” Natalie says hastily, trying to wipe an errant tear away.
“We haven’t eaten yet, Natalie. You’re welcome to stay,” Mom answers. “How are you feeling?”
Natalie’s mouth drops open, as her eyes whip to mine. “Okay, so she obviously knows. Mom, Nat said she’s bleeding a little.”
The smile gets wiped from my mom’s face immediately as she ushers us out of the room. Calling back to my dad, she says, “Get Travis.”
“Travis?” Natalie whispers.
“Giana’s husband. He’s a paramedic,” I respond.
Mom brings us to couches beside the massive stone fireplace that adorns the wall looking west. As I sit beside Natalie, I notice she’s shaking. “Are you cold?”
“A little, but it’s fine,” she says hastily .
I’m wearing a sweater over a long-sleeve shirt, and I immediately yank off my sweater. “Arms up.”
When she doesn’t move, I push the sweater over her head. “Alex!”
“Well, I gave you a chance to follow directions, Sunflower.”
“You still haven’t told me why you call me that,” she murmurs, her voice muffled as we work together to get the sweater on.
“Yeah, and I won’t be telling you today either.”
“Fine,” she huffs. “At least tell me what your mom called you back there.”
“ Angiolo ? It’s angel in Italian.”
“Of course she calls you all that,” Natalie mutters.
“No, just me.”
“Seriously?”
“She has different nicknames for all of us.”
“Just when I think your family is the cutest it can be, you up the ante,” she says with a hint of a smile adorning her face. No longer white as a sheet, I can see a pinkish hue dotting her cheeks, and the glow of the fire makes her green eyes appear iridescent. Holy fuck does she look spectacular right now.
“Hey, what’s up?” Travis says as he walks up to us, jarring me from my thoughts.
“Uh, hi, I’m Natalie. I’m not sure we’ve ever met? I’m Arianna’s friend —” her eyes whip to mine before glancing back at Travis, “— and I’m about thirteen weeks pregnant. I’m bleeding a little, and I freaked out. I didn’t have anywhere else to go, and Arianna invited me here tonight anyway, so …”
Travis’s gaze hits mine, with both eyebrows up to his hairline. He deduces quickly what the situation is. “Okay. A little bleeding can be normal. You have two options here. One is you can go home and wait to see if anything else happens, or you can go to the hospital for tests and an ultrasound. I do not have the equipment to help, or I’d do it. I know how nervous you must be. If it were my wife, I’d tell her to go to the hospital.”
“It’s Thanksgiving —” Natalie starts, but I interrupt her .
“Will it give you some peace of mind to go?” I ask, and she nods. “Then we’re going.”
“Wait, I didn’t mean you’d have to go. Your whole family is here.”
“So?” I respond, standing extending my hand to her. “Our current situation makes you family too, Natalie.”
I hear her quick intake of breath, and a very quiet “good boy” from my mother, who is clearly eavesdropping from ten feet away. Natalie hesitates before placing her hand in mine, and I don’t miss the shock that reverberates up my arm at the contact. This is how it’s been each time I’ve been in close proximity to Natalie, and I don’t know how to interpret that.
When I see my kids staring nervously at us from across the room, I beckon them over with a quick flip of my wrist. Ben immediately bolts toward us, running past me and into Natalie’s open arms. She stoops down so she can talk quietly to Ben. Abbie walks hesitantly as she watches her brother.
“Why was Uncle Travis talking to you? Is everything okay?” Abbie asks. I pull her in for a hug, feeling her tremble. My sweet girl puts on a strong and dramatic front, but she’s just as concerned about her future sibling as I am.
“Well, —”
Natalie interrupts me. “I just needed your dad’s help with something.”
Shit. “Nat, they know.”
Her eyes whip to mine. “They know?”
“Yes.”
She sighs as she turns toward Abbie. “I’m not going to lie to you. Okay?”
Both kids nod, Ben stepping out of Natalie’s arms so he can be next to his sister.
“I’m bleeding a little. Uncle Travis says it’s probably nothing, but I wanted to tell your dad just in case. We’re going to go to the hospital to get the baby checked out, just to be safe.”
“Could it be something bad?” Abbie asks quietly.
“It could be, but …” Natalie trails off, her voice breaking. I crouch ne xt to her, wanting to provide comfort. I put my arm around her shoulders, and when she turns her head to look at me, I see all the emotion swimming in her eyes. I hate that she was alone when this happened, unsure of what to do, with no way to contact me.
“But we’re optimistic it’s nothing. You stay with Nani, and I’ll update all of you as soon as I can.” Abbie nods as I finish, but Ben continues to look frightened. “You okay, bud?”
“I don’t want anything to happen to you,” he blurts out, staring at Natalie. “You’re the best teacher I’ve ever had, and you’re the healer. I know it.”
“The healer?” Natalie asks.
“Yeah. You’re like a cardiologist, but you just do it by being yourself. You’re healing our hearts.”
Holy shit. My son even thinks Natalie is here to heal our family.
She needs you.
Dammit. Not now.
But they need her more.
Fuck me.