Chapter 27
N atalie
April
One step forward, two steps back.
If I had to explain a relationship with Alex, any kind of relationship, that’s what I’d say. As soon as I feel like we’re connecting on a new level, either he closes himself off to me, or something happens that puts us much further back than we were.
Opening his bedroom door to find him sobbing on the floor is definitely two steps backward. Seeing him surrounded by pictures of his dead wife while he cries? Infinite steps.
I’m in love with him.
I knew it was a possibility. Hell, even a probability. Anytime I’d started thinking about it, I forced myself to focus on something else. I wasn’t ready to deal with it all. But the moment he started apologizing, as if me slipping on ice was his fault, I knew I was head over heels.
Unfortunately, something in my eyes told him, because I saw it in his.
I saw the exact moment he pulled away emotionally, then again when I found him crying amidst memories of his wife.
As I hobble from the rideshare up to my apartment, I barely make it inside before the tears come. I have to stop this. It’s no one’s fault, really. I didn’t choose to fall in love with Alex, but I can’t live like this.
Locking my door, I quietly set my things on the table. Grabbing my phone, I get undressed silently before climbing into my bed. I text Arianna the one thing I need her to do.
Me: I need you to go to your parents’ and get my key back from Alex. Right now, please.
Arianna: What happened?
Me: It doesn’t matter. I can’t deal with him tonight, and I know he’ll just barge in here regardless.
Arianna: Do you want me to come over?
I think about it. Do I want to be alone? Yes and no. I feel like I need to sob a million tears. Get out this emotion that’s been right underneath the surface for weeks, just threatening to burst through like a geyser. But having my best friend here would be nice. Even if she gets the key back from Alex, I bet he still shows up.
Actually, what the hell am I thinking? He’s not going to show up. I left him alone. He got what he needed.
Me: I don’t want to interrupt family time for you.
Arianna: I’m already halfway to your apartment.
A fresh wave of tears hits my cheeks. My life might be a complete dumpster fire, but I have an amazing group of friends. Only a few minutes later, when Ari lets herself into my dark apartment, I’m so thankful for her. I’m not surprised when she slides under the covers with me, wrapping her arms around me.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Arianna whispers.
“Not yet. Did you get the key back?”
“No, but my mom told him to leave you alone.”
“Do you think he’ll listen to her?” I’ve barely finished speaking before we hear a key in the lock .
“Sunflower, please .” His voice is full of raw emotion, and I squeeze my eyes closed, my body sinking into the bed.
“God dammit, Alex, I said don’t come here! What the fuck?” Arianna snaps.
“Ari?” he asks incredulously. “Is Natalie even here?”
“Yes, she’s here, you jackass. When she’s ready to talk to you, she’ll let you know.”
“I can’t — I don’t want to leave like this, Ari. Please just let me talk to her for five minutes.”
Ari leans closer to me. “Do you want to listen to him? I can totally kick his ass out. Or kick him in the balls. He has enough kids already.”
I snort tearfully. “It’s okay. I’ll listen to him.”
“I’m staying in the room. Just shout at me if you want him to leave.” Arianna leaves the bed, and I scrunch my eyes shut as I feel Alex move toward me. That’s the only way to describe it: I feel him. It’s a magnetic energy that’s tethered me to him. Every atom in my body is reaching for him, and only my mind is trying to keep away.
The moment I feel him sink into the bed, I realize a key error in my judgment. Alex curls around my body, burying his head in my hair, and I shudder. I try to pull my arms in to protect myself, but he’s faster, engulfing me in his embrace as he spoons me. I hate how right this feels.
Alex waits a few moments before he speaks, and I don’t recognize his voice. It’s deep, raspy, and so emotional I don’t know how to react. “Loving Sara was easy. Light. Refreshing. It was a slow increase that happened from the first moment I met her. We rarely argued, never truly fought, and it was as easy as smiling.”
“Why are you telling me things I already know?” I whisper, my own voice staccato and full of anguish. “I get it. I’m competing with a ghost, and I never wanted that. I never asked you for anything, yet you make me feel guilty for giving you everything.”
His arms tighten around me. “I wanted to give you everything, but I didn’t know how to when I thought my heart was already taken. I felt torn. Torn between what I promised my wife, and what I wanted with you.”
“One minute left,” Arianna calls out, making Alex swear against my hair.
“I thought I was a stickler for time. Fucking drill sergeant,” he mutters. I smile slightly, thankful he can’t see my face, but he knows me too well. “You can find joy in my sister busting my balls, baby girl.”
“It hurts too much to find joy,” I admit. I feel Alex tense behind me as he exhales a sigh.
“I know. I know all too well how grief can suck the life out of everything. I need to explain a lot of what happened tonight, as well as the last six years. Will you let me? Tomorrow I’d like to explain,” he says gruffly.
“Thirty seconds!” Arianna shouts. I can’t help the light giggle that bursts from my lips.
“There’s my girl,” Alex says softly. “Please say you’ll meet me tomorrow. I owe you so much, Sunflower. Please.”
I should say no. Try to separate myself from him as much as possible. Find another job in the next town, and use Arianna or my other friends as my liaisons when handing the baby over to Alex. I can’t be around him and not hurt. Instead, I nod my head, feeling Alex’s relief as he dips his head into my neck.
“Alright asshole, you need to go. Give the girl some fucking room,” Arianna snaps. Alex moves, and I relax into the bed. My momentary relaxation is enough for Alex to pull my arm, rolling me onto my back, and his lips crash onto mine. His hand comes to rest at its familiar stance on my neck, a thumb pushing into my pulse point. The kiss isn’t passionate. There’s no tongue, but I’m still reeling from the intensity of it. It’s almost as if Alex is staking a claim, reminding me who I belong to … as if I’d forgotten in the last hour.
I’m well aware of the power this man has over me, and that thought is the only thing that helps me to wrench my lips away from his. When I open my eyes, tears stinging my eyelashes, I find Alex only an inch away. His hand slides up to cup my face, almost exactly as I did to him earlier tonight. He wipes away the wetness of my tears before leaning down and kissing me quickly. “Trust me, Sunflower. Please — Jesus Christ, Arianna, enough.”
“I said five minutes, and I gave you ten. Now go.” Alex abruptly rises from the bed, and Ari immediately pushes him toward the door. I hear them murmur for a moment before Alex kisses her on the forehead, gives me one last look of longing, then leaves. I sit up, resting my back against the wall.
“What did he say to you when he left?” I ask.
She gives me a sympathetic smile. “He told me to stay with you until you fell asleep, and he wanted me to ask about your ankle. Oh, and he brought you dinner.”
I snicker, looking over at the bag of food he left on my tiny table. “He has a habit of leaving in the middle of the night, so I don’t find it surprising that he told you to do the same. My ankle feels fine. I don’t think it’s sprained. I’ll happily eat the food, though.”
Arianna comes to sit beside me. “He wasn’t telling me to leave like he does, and we’ll get to that in a minute. He was saying he didn’t want you to be alone while you’re awake. He wants to make sure someone is here for you, Nat. He doesn’t want you to be hurting alone.”
“Oh.” I watch as Ari grabs the bag, handing it to me on the bed. As I open the first container, I salivate as the delicious aroma of barbecue hits my senses. I hadn’t told anyone, but my most recent craving has been meat. I blissfully grab a chunk of brisket and pop it in my mouth.
“Yeah, oh. And furthermore, Alex obviously hasn’t handled his feelings well with you, but his sneaking out isn’t really about you. He had some big feelings he had to work through. I don’t exactly talk to my big brother about his sexual partners, but I know it’s been few and far between since Sara died. According to Stone, Alex didn’t repeat with anyone. That already tells me you’re more important than he’s willing to admit.”
“Or I’m just convenient,” I mutter.
“Don’t give me that bullshit answer, Nat. You know it’s more than that. ”
“I don’t know anything,” I say defiantly, crossing my arms and pouting.
Arianna rolls her eyes. “You used to come to Eternity Springs fairly often, but once I moved into my apartment in Denver, we almost always hung out at one of our places. So you didn’t see firsthand the devastation that I did. Broken doesn’t even begin to describe it, Nat. I’d say he was inconsolable, but that’s not it. No one could talk to him about Sara. He closed everyone off. We were all so worried about him. Slowly he started to come back to us, but he wasn’t the same. The Alex after Sara was a shell of his former self.”
“That’s awful,” I whisper. “No wonder he doesn’t want to let go of her.”
“Okay, we need to get you over this mental block you have about Sara.” Arianna looks at me bluntly, her eyebrows raised in aggravation.
“What? I don’t have a mental block.”
“Yes, you absolutely do. You’re convinced that she’s this mythical being, and you’ll never measure up to her. Sara wasn’t perfect. Frankly, she let Alex get away with too much because she was either too afraid to stand up for herself, or she was afraid he’d yell, or she just figured it was easier. But I’d watch her, knowing she wasn’t completely happy with something, yet she wouldn’t tell him.”
“So? Sounds like she loved him so much she put his happiness above her own. There’s nothing wrong with that. I’m sure you do that with Stone.”
“On occasion, yes. But not over and over again. And you know what? Alex knew. He fucking knew, Nat, and he just went along with it. I’d watch as he’d get quiet, because he knew she wasn’t happy, but she wouldn’t tell him, and he didn’t know how to get her to open up. So then he wasn’t happy either. That’s not how a marriage works.”
I frown, trying to process what she’s saying. “I don’t get how this relates to me.”
“Of course you don’t,” Arianna mutters, rubbing the bridge of her nose in the same way Alex does. I think I’ve even seen Luca do it, and I wonder if all the Santo kids have the same tic when they’re frustrated. “I’ve only been around you with Alex a couple times, and I can already tell how different he is with you.”
“I’m well aware of the differences between us,” I snap angrily. God, why does it always come back to this?
“You are not listening! I never said how you and Sara are different. Don’t get me wrong, because you totally are. I said that he is different with you. He. Alex. He doesn’t hide behind anything, Nat. He tells you what he’s thinking. He asks if you’re okay. And you fucking tell him when you aren’t. Don’t you see that? You’re his equal. Sara never truly was.”
I stare at her incredulously. “That’s a really shitty thing to say about her.”
“I know,” Arianna responds simply, shrugging. “I was devastated when she died. I treated her as another sister, much more than I ever did Dom’s nasty first wife. But I never thought she was the best match for him. When you told me you were pregnant, that night Stone and I talked about how hopeful we were. No way would you let Alex get away with shit. You’d challenge him, and we knew you’d fight. But I also knew there’s no one who would fight for him like you.”
“What happens if I’m too much for him?” I ask, my voice breaking. “When he realizes I don’t filter my thoughts, and I say something in front of your parents. Or when I hear about someone at his work who disrespected him, and I’m ready to go light the guy’s house on fire. What about when I yell at Abbie for being a little shit because he doesn’t call her out on it?”
“Can you please promise me to do that last one? We’re all sick of Abbie’s attitude, but Alex just lets it go. She looks so much like Sara that he can’t discipline her, and then she turns around and has a sweet personality. It’s driving me bonkers,” Ari says with a laugh. “Just promise me you’ll listen to what he has to say. I know you love him, Nat.”
“Loving him isn’t the problem,” I murmur brokenly.
“Loving you isn’t either.”
I don’t know when I fell asleep, but I know Ari stayed with me until well past midnight. I woke only to pee, get a drink of water, and text the school admin team that I wouldn’t be in the following day before falling into a dreamless sleep for the remainder of the night. Taking the day off was needed, mostly because I’m just too emotionally drained to interact with my students. We’re into the fourth quarter, and everyone is exhausted. I spend a lot more time each day keeping them focused than at the beginning of the year, and there isn’t enough time built into the schedule to reteach concepts. State standardized tests don’t allow for any leeway.
When someone knocks on my door a little after nine that morning, I tiptoe over to look out the peephole. Expecting Alex, and not sure if I’m ready to see him, I’m surprised to find Abbie.
I throw open the door. “What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be in school?”
“Told my dad I was sick,” she hiccups. “But I couldn’t go to school today. Couldn’t be around those awful vipers.”
“What happened? How did you get here?” I ask, noticing the puffy eyes and red nose, telltale signs of a crying fit. I’m sure I looked similar last night.
“I walked. It’s only a mile or so. Can I come in?” she asks, and I nod. Stepping aside, Abbie walks in.
“Wow. This is small,” she comments.
“I’m aware.”
“Where are you gonna put a crib?”
“I don’t really know. I’m probably going to have to move.”
“Where?”
“Not sure yet, but I’m assuming closer to Denver. I can find a cheaper apartment there, I think.”
“You can’t move!” she shouts. “When will we see the baby?”
“Your dad and I will work out an arrangement for that, Abbie. You’ll see the baby.”
“You promise you aren’t taking him away from us?” she asks sullenly.
“I promise. I wouldn’t do that. I couldn’t do that to you. I want him to know you and Ben.”
Abbie walks toward my table, staring at it. “Did you and my dad have a fight last night?”
“Not exactly.”
“Was it about my mom?” I hear the fear in her voice. The trepidation.
“Why would you think that?” I pry.
“Because,” she whispers. I sit on the bed, pushing back to lean against the wall, and Abbie comes to sit beside me, mirroring my stance.
“What happened?” I ask quietly. I hear a sniffle, then Abbie rests her head against my shoulder.
“Someone texted me. Told me you left Nani and Papa’s house crying, then Aunt Arianna and Dad showed up here. A little while later, it was on The Eagle Has Landed , and the same phone number texted me a link to it.”
That fucking gossip website.
Whipping out my phone, I pull it up.
Trouble in Babymoon Paradise?
While it’s never been confirmed, we all know newcomer Natalie Jackson is pregnant with Alex Santo’s third child. What we never knew, however, was whether or not they were in a relationship, or if the baby was a by-product of an evening of love.
Sources now claim Ms. Jackson has been desperately trying to replace the much missed Mrs. Sara Santo, and she’s been pulling out all the stops to get our favorite retired veteran to forget his first love. Earlier, Ms. Jackson and Mr. Santo arrived hand-in-hand at the stately home of Eternity Springs’ own, Nick and Sofia Santo, but within the hour, Ms. Jackson was seen in tears, being picked up by Gregory Hamlin, eight years her junior.
Shortly thereafter, our Alex chased after her, but not before Arianna Santo Dixon was called to Ms. Jackson’s apartment. Loud voices were heard throughout the building, but residents have not confirmed what transpired. While Alex left shortly after his arrival, as of publication, Mrs. Santo Dixon remains.
What happened?
Who was hurt?
And most importantly, noting Mr. Hamlin’s presence, who exactly is the father?
“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” I mutter. “Your dad is the father. Is that why you’re here? He’s the father, Abbie. I promise. It had been quite some time since I’d been with another man, and there hasn’t been anyone since. And that man who picked me up is just a ride share driver. I’ve never met the guy.”
“I figured. But that part about my mom …” she trails off. Oh her poor heart.
“I hate that you read this crap. That someone out there writes these articles without thinking about how they impact actual lives. I would never try to replace your mom. Never. I truly hope you believe me. If anything were to happen between me and your dad, I’d never act like she didn’t exist. My mom is so important to me, and I hate that you didn’t get longer with yours. I can’t imagine how awful it must have been for you, sweetheart. I would never sully any memory you have of her.”
Another sniffle, and my heart breaks. Arianna joked about me burning down the world for Alex, but she has no fucking idea what I’d do for this innocent young woman beside me. And the moment I tell Arianna, I know she’ll be right beside me, lighting the fucking match. The Eagle Has Landed fucked with the wrong person.
“Why are you growling?” Abbie whispers. “It’s low-key freaking me out, but I’m kinda intrigued.”
“Nothing to worry about. Rest assured, I’ll be getting that article removed from that ridiculous website within the hour, though.”
She waves a hand in front of her. “I don’t care about that. It’s just stupid gossip. ”
“Alright. Can I go after the little bitches that anonymously texted you?”
“What?” she says with a shocked laugh.
“Anonymous texts are bullshit. Their parents need to know what they’re doing. It’s bullying. I don’t play when it comes to bullying, and I doubt your dad does either. Middle school is rough, and hormones definitely come into play, but these kids need to know there are ramifications to their actions.”
“How do you know they won’t make it worse for me?”
“I don’t,” I admit. “But I hate that you’re hurting, and my first instinct is to go after them, consequences be damned.”
Abbie sits quietly for a few moments. “I think that’s how a mom would react. She’d want to protect her child.”
She needs you.
Woah. Where the hell did that voice come from?
He needs you more. Take care of my loves.
A whisper of feeling slides across my forehead, and in my periphery, I see Abbie’s hair move slightly. She sighs, a smile gracing her cherubic face. “My mom is here. I can feel her. I know that sounds weird, but I swear when I’m really upset, she’s always with me. I think she likes you, Natalie. I think she sent you to my dad.”
Emotion clogs my throat as my vision clouds with tears. “But I met your dad before she did.”
“My grandma told me once that all my mom wanted to be in life was a mom. When she’d play make believe, it was always playing house, or getting married, and then having a baby. Grandma said Mom came home after meeting Dad, knowing she’d met the one. Grandma thinks that Mom’s life was always meant to be short, but she had to meet Dad so that she could make Ben and me. With anyone else it wouldn’t be the same.”
“Your grandma sounds like an amazing woman,” I say thickly.
Abbie nods against my shoulder. “She wants to meet you. Grandpa too. They’re excited about the baby. It should be weird, right? They want to be involved with the baby, even though he won’t actually be related to them. ”
“I don’t think it’s weird. I think it’s amazing. It isn’t about the baby not being a piece of your mom. It’s about the baby being a piece of your dad, and therefore a piece of you and Ben. They’re finding joy in that.”
“I guess,” she murmurs. “So your fight with my dad last night wasn’t about my mom?”
“We didn’t fight. There are a lot of things we’ve put off discussing, Abbie.”
“I’m worried about him. He was getting happier. Then last night he was devastated.”
“What do you mean?” I ask, my voice barely above a whisper.
“Which part?”
“Both.”
“I thought it was you,” she confesses. “The happy part. I thought he was falling for you, and I could see a side of him I’d never seen before. I heard Nani and Papa talking about how he was ‘the old Alex,’ but I don’t remember much before my mom died. They said he was happier, and how thrilled they were that you brought it out of him. And then last night …”
“Go on,” I encourage.
“I heard him crying. It’s been so long since I’ve heard it that I went to check on Ben first, thinking it was him. When I realized it was Dad, I went to find him. He was in the nursery, and —”
I interrupt her immediately. “The nursery?”
“Yeah, and —”
“Wait. What nursery?”
“For the baby?”
“He has a nursery?”
“Well, yeah.”
“Since when?” I shout.
“A month or so, I think.” Abbie eyes me warily, as if she’s waiting for me to sprout horns on my forehead.
“And he didn’t think to tell me about it?”
“Now I understand your comment about needing to discuss things, although I never thought a crib would be an adult thing to talk about,” she says dryly.
“I haven’t been to your house in quite some time. How the hell would I know he’d gotten a nursery together?”
“I don’t know, maybe because you’re having a baby together, and you ask big questions like that when you’re weeks away from delivering a baby?” she retorts, irritation clear in her tone.
“Watch your tone, young lady,” I snap. “Eight weeks away. You’re acting like I’m gonna pop a kid out on the sidewalk any day. I may not be your mother, but you’re in my apartment, I’m carrying your brother in my stomach, I’m in love with your father, and you will be respectful. Why is he more prepared than me? I’m the one baking this crotch goblin, and I don’t have anything yet. Fuck, I don’t have anything! What if I deliver early? Alex is all prepared and I’m going to be a horrible mother!” My voice has risen a full octave as I lose my composure. I don’t even have clothes for the baby, for fuck’s sake.
Abbie tips her head up to look at me, a wide grin on her face. “You’re in love with my father?”
Shit.
I sigh. “Yeah.”
“You don’t seem thrilled about that fact.”
“When you’re an adult, you’ll understand what unrequited love is.”
“I read books, dummy. I know what it is. And you’re wrong. My dad is totally in love with you. He’s just having a hard time figuring out how to love you and my mom at the same time,” she states.
“I don’t think that’s the case here, but I sure do hope you’re right,” I whisper, resting my head against hers.
“It’ll all work out, Natalie. My mom will make sure of it,” Abbie says quietly, reaching over and squeezing my hand, before resting it on my stomach. She gasps when the baby pushes against her palm, then giggles as she pushes back.
It’s bad enough that I’m in love with Alex Santo. It’s even worse to be in love with Abigail and Benjamin Santo. The thought of things not working out, and losing all three of them? One hell of a bad nightmare if that comes true.