Chapter 28
A lex
April
“It’s about time you came to me for advice,” Nonna says, a wicked gleam in her eye as she watches me triumphantly. I’m standing in my parents’ kitchen, tapping my foot impatiently on the hard floor. My mother and grandmother watch me, neither saying anything else.
“Well?” I say irritably, gesturing toward them. “I’m waiting.”
“You need to explain where we’re at with Natalie, angiolo . Nonna needs an update,” Mom says.
“Yes, Alessio. Tell me,” Nonna commands.
“I don’t know what to say.”
“Then I can’t help you.” Nonna gives me a gleeful smile.
“Don’t recall asking for help, actually,” I say, crossing my arms defiantly.
Nonna rolls her eyes. “You wouldn’t be here if you didn’t need help.”
Sighing, I absentmindedly rub my chin. “I’ve had difficulty coming to terms with my feelings for Natalie. I felt like I was cheating on Sara by feeling … well, basically anything for Natalie. It’s really messed with my head.”
“Do you think Sara would want you to be miserably alone for the rest of your life?” Nonna asks.
“No, I guess not. But it’s not like I can ask her.”
Mom sighs loudly, running a hand through her dark hair, which is the same shade as mine. “Clearly we all know that. But you knew Sara. You knew her better than everyone. Would she think you were cheating, or that you should never end up with another woman?”
“No,” I admit. “She’d want me to be happy.”
“Does Natalie make you happy?” Nonna asks.
I nod slowly. “It’s different with her. She’s so different, Nonna. Nothing like Sara. Like night and day.”
“So?” she challenges.
“I think it’s throwing me. Maybe I thought if I found someone else, it would be a woman who reminded me of Sara. Instead, I’ve gone for the antithesis of Sara.”
“It isn’t about who is alike, or different from Sara,” Mom says quietly. “It’s about who meets your needs where you are right now, Alex. I don’t think a woman like Sara would appeal to you now. Late thirties Alex is pretty different from early twenties Alex. Back then, you needed someone who quietly supported you, and graciously let you run the show.”
“Natalie sure won’t let that happen,” I chuckle.
“No, she won’t. But she also won’t stand for anyone hurting you, or your family. She has the patience of a saint, but the backbone of a Rottweiler guarding her babies. Natalie is a force to be reckoned with, and I think the two of you will make an excellent team. What have your dad and I always said about love?”
“Love out loud,” I answer.
She nods emphatically. “There is no one who will love you louder than Natalie. She’ll want everyone to know that you’re spoken for, but also that she’s beside you, ready to take on anyone who thinks you’re an easy fight.”
“I’ve never been an easy fight,” I say, frowning.
“I never said that, Alex. I said she’d stand beside you. Look at your father and me. We are incredibly different, but no one would ever say we fight each other’s battles. We’re a team, and everyone in this town knows it. They knew it about Nonna and Papi too.”
“That’s right, they sure did. Although I think they knew I’d take anyone on, but your grandfather was freakishly quiet with that RPF, so no one wanted to take him on.” Nonna says proudly.
“RPF?” I ask, intrigued.
“Resting Papi Face.”
I let out a loud bark of laughter.
“What? I thought that middle word could be switched out,” she says with a shrug. “Regardless, we think Natalie makes an excellent counterpart to you. She’ll challenge the hell out of you, but be your biggest supporter at the same time.”
It still worries me how insanely attracted I am to Natalie, but I can’t bring that up to my mother and grandmother. I’m not even sure I can ask my dad about it. Only person who might understand is Dom. Sex with Sara was great, but sex with Natalie is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced.
“Natalie’s better in bed, isn’t she?” Nonna asks.
“For fuck’s sake,” I groan. “I’m not talking about this with you.”
“What? You knocked her up. Obviously we know it’s not immaculate conception. And seeing as how you’re both in your thirties, and you already have children, we can discuss sex, Alessio.”
“Speak for yourself,” Mom mutters.
“Never would have thought I’d be the most open-minded out of the three of us,” Nonna muses. She turns toward Mom and gives her a leering grin. “Nick was conceived on a beach in Italy. Papi could barely keep it in his pants long enough to take me, and I got sand in places that still haunt me.”
“That’s the same story you told Angelina about where she was conceived,” Mom points out about my dad’s younger sister.
Nonna raises an eyebrow. “Who says it didn’t happen twice?”
“Considering you’ve only talked about one visit to Italy at the beginning of your marriage, and Angie is two years younger than Nick, I’m pretty sure it didn’t happen twice.”
Nonna rolls her eyes. “You and that stupid memory of yours, ruining my fun.”
“Wait,” I call out. “The beach story has to be Dad, right? Unless you left him at home with your parents and took off to Italy when he was only a year old. I can’t see that happening, since you’ve proudly admitted to being a helicopter mom from pretty early on. Although you did say you took Dad to Woodstock, so I guess anything could be true.”
Nonna shrugs, and Mom scoffs. “Neither Italy story is true. She’s trying to get a rise out of me. Years ago she said all of her children were conceived the old-fashioned way in the marital bed. But I think Woodstock did happen. I’ve heard that detail before.”
“I had eight children, Sofia. I’m sure one of them was conceived on a beach somewhere,” Nonna snaps. “ Woodstock is probably where Angelina was conceived. Now go get your woman, Alex, so we can put her through the normal Santo traditions.”
I shake my head with a chuckle, but as I stand up, a weird sense comes over me. The threshold. “Holy shit.”
“I wondered when you’d realize what already happened,” Mom comments.
I turn to her, my eyes wide. “Why didn’t anyone say anything?”
“It wasn’t the place, or time,” she says simply.
“Could someone clue me in, please?” Nonna shouts.
My mind is whirling. Only Mom knows I tried crossing the threshold with Sara again after that first time. It was a running joke between us. I didn’t consider it to be a big deal until every one of my siblings failed the challenge. And all this time, Natalie was the one? “I accidentally did the threshold thing yesterday. Natalie slipped on ice, and I carried her into the house before dinner. I carried her over the threshold, yet I tried three times with Sara, and —”
Mom interrupts me. “It doesn’t matter, angiolo .”
“It does matter,” I argue.
“No, it doesn’t. You loved Sara. She gave you ten amazing years with two beautiful children. We will not discredit that by a silly myth about my front door.”
“So you don’t believe in the threshold legend?” Nonna asks.
“I never said that,” Mom answers. “However, I will not allow Alex to go down the slippery slope that his mind will send him, thinking that his true love was in the background the entire time. Sara was an integral part of your story, son, and I will stand by that fact until my dying breath. ”
I sit heavily as I try to wrap my head around everything. Mom sits next to me, placing her hand on top of mine. “This doesn’t change anything. You made up your mind before remembering carrying her. You knew you loved her before. It’s throwing you for a loop, but you knew it was her.”
“I know. It’s a lot to process,” I admit, pulling out my phone when it vibrates. I see I have a notification on my doorbell camera, and — “what the fuck?”
“What?” Mom asks.
“Abbie just went in the house. She told me she was sick.” As I’m about to call her, my phone buzzes with two simultaneous incoming texts. The first text is from Natalie.
Natalie: Abbie was just here. She walked, but I drove her back home.
Then in a surprise move, my daughter admitted her crimes before I could call her out on them.
Abbie: I’m not sick. I’m sorry I lied to you. I went to talk to Natalie. You can ground me when you get home.
Me: Is this a new trend? Trying to get in front of the parent police in hopes of an easier sentence?
Abbie: No. I figured you’d see me coming back home on the camera. No sense in delaying the inevitable.
Me: Why did you go see Natalie?
Abbie: Honestly? I wanted to make sure she wasn’t trying to replace Mom.
Me: She’d never do that, Abs.
Abbie: I know. I think I needed to talk to her about it, though. Maybe it’s been harder for me to think about you loving her than I thought it would.
Me: Me loving her?
Abbie: Yeah, Dad. I know you love her. You’re an idiot about it, but you love her.
Me: Are you going to be okay if I do love her?
Abbie: I think so.
Me: If you aren’t, you can tell me.
Abbie: I’ll be okay, Dad. It’s nice to see you living again. Natalie brings out a side of you I haven’t seen before, and it’s nice. I just don’t want her to replace Mom, or act like Mom never existed.
Me: I’d never allow that. I’d never have you and Ben without your Mom.
Abbie: I like that Mom has your first heart, and Natalie has your second.
Me: Science education has failed you, my sweet daughter. You only get one heart.
Abbie: I don’t agree. When Mom died, a part of you broke. I think that piece grew again. You’re getting a second chance with Natalie. Why not use a second heart? That way you get to love both of them the same amount.
Me: I don’t even know how many hearts I have, then. Your aunts and uncles, Nani and Papa, plus you and your brother each get your own. No one will ever love you like I do, Abbiecakes.
Abbie: I love you too, Dad.
Abbie: Just don’t ever call me Abbiecakes in front of any of my friends.
Me: You said I’d see you coming home on the camera. Why wouldn’t I see you leaving?
Abbie: I may have climbed out a window.
Abbie: Hopefully my honesty here helps with a lesser sentence as well.
Me: Not even a little bit.
Abbie: Sigh. It was worth a shot.
I chuckle as I turn off the screen and shove my phone back into my pocket. Abbie could have gone in through the window when she returned, which makes me think she wanted to get caught. She needed to have this conversation with me. It’s as if she felt she should give her blessing.
“Do you have a plan in mind for winning Natalie back?” Mom asks when I look up to find her watching me with a hint of a smile.
“Yeah, I think I do.”
Six hours later, I’m nervously waiting for Natalie to arrive. I’ve second-guessed myself so many times this afternoon on my plan, but both Mom and Nonna agreed it’ll be a wonderful way of introducing my past and present. It’s slightly morbid, I guess, as I wait at Sara’s grave. But I want Natalie to read Sara’s letter, and I think Sara should somehow be involved in it. Weird, I know.
When I see Stone’s car pull up, a wave of nerves overtakes me. Butterflies erupt in my stomach, and I’m brought back to a conversation I had with Sara once about butterflies.
“I hate that we don’t get cardinals here,” she’d commented .
“The dude in the Catholic church, or the bird?”
“The bird,” she said with an emphatic roll of her eyes. “Cardinals are a sign from Heaven that a loved one is visiting you.”
“Cool thought, but that’s ridiculous for all the areas cardinals don’t live.”
“I know. That’s why I’ve decided when I die, I’m coming back as a butterfly. Then I can be light, airy, and colorful.”
“A butterfly.”
“Yep. I’ll skip the whole metamorphosis in the cocoon thing, though. That gives me the creeps,” she’d said with an exaggerated shiver.
“Good to know,” I’d laughed.
“So when I die, look for the butterflies. I’ll be the one irritating you the most,” she’d said with a twinkle in her eye.
Natalie has two butterfly tattoos: one on her ankle and one on her hip.
“Alright, Sara, I get it,” I murmur as a light breeze whips around me, scattering the dead leaves sitting around her gravesite. I get it, sometimes I’m not too aware of details. But she’s laying it on pretty thick.
As the car door opens and Natalie steps out, my phone buzzes twice.
Arianna: We’re staying in case something bad happens and she needs a ride home.
Arianna: But we also have a shovel in the back, and we’re already at a cemetery, so choose your words wisely.
Me: Noted.
As Natalie approaches, I see the apprehension on her face. Hands gripped nervously in front of her, she chews on the inside of her cheek as she slowly approaches me. She takes a deep breath, and I hear the tremor of a sob fighting to breach the surface. She stops a few feet away from me, but I can’t be that far away. I step forward, the tips of our shoes touching, and rest my head against hers. That familiar vanilla scent wraps around me, and my heart rate slows. Without touching her pulse, I know our heart beats synced up.
This.
This is who I’ve been waiting for. Who I’m meant to be with for the rest of my life. That immediate thought allows me to open my heart and confess what I’m feeling.
“I thought you’d only wear a suit for a sibling’s wedding,” she whispers. I chuckle against her hair as I look down at the only suit I own.
“I’d like to retract that statement and issue a correction.”
“Oh?”
“I will only wear a suit when it’s of utmost importance, and when I need to make a good impression.”
Natalie sighs softly, dipping her head to rest against my chest for only a moment, before stepping back slightly. “I don’t care about your clothes, Alex. You look nice, obviously. But why am I here?”
I take a deep breath, willing my pulse to slow. Here goes nothing.“I knew I’d end up marrying Sara within a few dates. Our relationship was easy from the beginning. No arguing, and rarely even a disagreement. I realize now that she appeased me quite a bit, choosing not to argue instead of being true to herself. I don’t know if she thought I’d stop loving her if we argued, or if she felt it was easier to be submissive and easygoing. But I look back now and wonder. If she’d argued with me, how would our relationship have changed? Would it have made me doubt everything?”
Natalie’s shoulders shake, and she grabs onto my shirt with both hands. “Why are you telling me this?”
“Because I need you to know what I’m thinking, Sunflower. I don’t ever want you to second-guess if you can be honest with me, and I want to do the same with you. It’s taken me a lot of time to come to terms with all the questions I’ll never get answers to. That’s why I want to get everything out in the open with you. If something were to happen to either of us, I want you to know exactly how I feel. But first, you need to know how Sara feels.”
“What?” Natalie gasps. “How is that possible? ”
“Last night, when you found me in my childhood bedroom? I found a letter from Sara that she wrote at some point during that last deployment. It rocked me to my core, Sunflower. I’d never known she’d written it, and certainly hadn’t read it before yesterday. If it hadn’t been in her handwriting, or written in her voice, I’d have thought someone staged it. Why didn’t I find it yet? I guess I wasn’t ready.”
“What did she say?” Natalie whispers.
I pull the folded letter from my back pocket. “I think you should read it.”
I hold it out to her, and she gingerly takes it from me. Unfolding it, I watch as she soaks in the words from my first love. Eventually, one hand covers her mouth as she openly cries. When her eyes close, I know she’s reached the end. “My mom told me that you had dinner with my family while I was in training for that deployment. Do you remember?”
“A little,” Natalie whispers. “Arianna and I played a lot with Abbie. Ben stayed with Sara and your mom. I didn’t really talk to Sara at all.”
“Mom said Sara watched you with Abbie, and said you’d be perfect for me if she wasn’t around.”
Natalie’s head whips up, her glassy eyes latching on mine. “What?”
I nod.
“I barely spoke to her. How would she know?”
“No one knew me better than Sara. Maybe she recognized that I’d need a powerful woman who’d challenge me.”
“So the exact opposite of her,” Natalie says sullenly.
“I don’t think that’s what was going on. Yeah, you’re different. But so was I when I met Sara. She’s what I needed at that stage of my life. But right now, I want — no, I need a headstrong woman who will love my children like her own. A woman who has the patience of a saint, but will willingly commit a crime for someone she loves. A passionate woman who spits fire in and out of the bedroom, but one that also trusts me implicitly. One who will love me exactly as I am, broken and stubborn, and who lets me love her, because she knows I’ll give her everything she needs.”
My hand finds her cheek as I continue. “I have no doubt we’ll argue. You won’t give in just because you don’t want to rock the boat. But we’ll never find another who will love so fiercely, so perfectly, than us.”
“But I saw you last night, sobbing on the floor. You were grieving her again. What if you regret me?” Natalie confesses.
“I wasn’t grieving her. I was grieving the time lost. Had I known she had written that letter, I’d have gotten the closure years ago. All this time I’d felt like I was cheating on her by falling for you. I finally got what I needed, and all that pent up grief just exploded out of me.” My hand slides down to bracket her neck, her pulse beating wildly against my thumb. “I’ll never regret Sara and what we shared. She gave me two beautiful babies and a decade of one hell of a love story. And yeah, her death changed me. But there’s no one in the world more perfect for me than you.”
“Why do you call me Sunflower?” she blurts out, making me chuckle.
“For a multitude of reasons. Sunflowers are insanely happy plants. They face the sun no matter where they are planted. Did you know that? At first, I thought you were the sunflower. You are full of sunshine, and you see the best in every situation. Now I’m thinking I’m actually the sunflower, because I’m tracking you wherever you go. Following you like a sunflower follows the sun. You can’t get rid of me now.”
Natalie gifts me a half smile before her face dims. “Are you sure you know what you want?”
“You. I want you.”
“Only a few days ago, you’d have argued that you didn’t want me at all. It’s whiplash, Alex. I can’t handle the constant ups and downs of your feelings.”
“I know. I can’t imagine how hard that must have been for you. I’ve been fighting my feelings for quite some time. Yesterday reading Sara’s letter, and then knowing I’d unconsciously hurt you, made me realize I can’t go one more day without you knowing how I feel.”
“How do you feel?” she whispers.
Gathering her into my arms, I rest my forehead against hers, breathing her in. “I’m in love with you, Natalie. I don’t think I can go one more day without saying those words. I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
She sighs against me as her hands grip the back of my shirt. “I love you too, Alessio.”
It’s as if the weight of the world is finally lifted off my shoulders. I smile against her hair as I squeeze her against me, feeling her stomach move as little man kicks.
“Now what?” she murmurs.
“Now I’d like to take you on a proper date, if that’s okay.”
“What does a proper date entail?” she teases lightly, resting her chin on my chest and looking up at me. Her green eyes sparkle, and I’m proud to be the reason she looks so happy and content.
“Well, I’m hoping you’ll come to my house for dinner with me and the kids,” I tell her hesitantly. That’s not exactly a date, but I want them to be on board with Natalie being a bigger part of our lives than I’d suggested before.
“Sounds like a perfect date to me,” she says with a smile.
Thank fuck.
An hour later, we’re sitting awkwardly at my kitchen table as Ben and Abbie whip question after question at us. Is Natalie moving in? Does she replace Sara? Can she yell at us? Are we allowed to ask her for things?
“Guys,” I interrupt their barrage, “Natalie and I just decided to be together. Let’s take it one day at a time.”
“But once the baby comes, where will you both be? It’s weird that you’d be in that tiny apartment when you could be here,” Abbie says.
“You haven’t even seen the nursery yet. I helped,” Ben boasts, puffing his chest out proudly. Natalie cocks an eyebrow at me, and I nod.
“He really did. There’s a mural on one wall, and they both helped with it.”
“A mural?”
“Yeah. I kept having these dreams about the night sky, and Ben said he’d dreamed about stars above the mountains. Abbie suggested it initially, and it worked out well once we found out the gender. We’ve been working on it for quite a while,” I explain sheepishly.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Natalie whispers. “I could have helped.”
Abbie clears her throat. “It was something the three of us wanted to do together. We didn’t want to exclude you, but it was really important to us.”
“I understand,” Natalie says, but I can hear the hint of pain in her voice.
“I needed it to be just the three of us, Nat. I’m not sure how to explain it any other way.”
Natalie squeezes my hand reassuringly. “I know. I’m glad you had that time with them.”
“Would you like to see it?” I ask.
“Yes, please. Absolutely.”
Chairs are pushed impatiently from the table, the sound of the chair legs catching along the hard floor as four pairs of feet quickly flood down the hallway and up the stairs. I get in the room first, giving me an opportunity to turn around to watch Natalie’s unfiltered reaction. Her loud gasp echoes against the walls as she covers her mouth with her hands, tears instantly filling her eyes.
Ben and I sketched out our vision more than once of a brilliant night sky over rocky mountains, with blue spruce pine trees beneath a full moon. Abbie helped sketch the trees onto the wall, then added shading to everything once I completed the painting. Ben happily added hundreds of stars in different shapes and sizes. Encompassing the entire wall behind a comfortable glider in pale white, the mural is both warm and dark simultaneously, while giving the room a peaceful glow .
“Oh my God, Alex, this is beautiful,” Natalie breathes. I watch as her eyes scatter from place to place around the room as she takes in all the details. A solid cherry stained crib sits in the corner with cloud crib sheets. A small bookshelf stands under the large window, already full of books. I can’t help but chuckle as Natalie makes a beeline for it, dropping to her knees as she grabs one of the books. “This looks old.”
“It is. Those were all my books when I was a baby. Mom saved a box for each of us so we could have things to hand down to our kids. They’ve already been in nurseries for Abbie and Ben, and now they get to be in little man’s nursery.”
“I love that. I’ll have to ask my mom if she saved anything for me,” she says absentmindedly as her fingers skim across the book spines.
“Only a teacher would be more impressed by Dad’s old books than the mural that took us tons of time to complete,” Abbie comments.
“The mural is gorgeous. This whole room is beautiful. It’s a lot to take in, and I —” her voice breaks off as a tear slides down her face.
“Give us a few minutes, kids,” I tell Ben and Abbie, motioning for them to quietly leave the room. After closing the door, I sit in the glider. “Come here, baby.”
I’m used to Natalie fighting everything, so I’m pleasantly surprised when she climbs into my lap and buries her head in my shoulder. “What’s going on in that head of yours?”
Natalie’s body shudders as more tears fall. “You’re so prepared, and I have nothing. Seriously, I have nothing. How am I supposed to care for a tiny human when I’m barely caring for myself?”
I gently stroke up and down her spine. “I think you’re supposed to let me take care of you now.”
“What?” she says, sitting up abruptly. I wipe the wetness from her cheeks as she sniffs. “That’s not what I meant. I wasn’t trying to force you into anything.”
“I didn’t offer because I felt forced, Sunflower. I offered because I want to. I want to take care of you. I want to wake up with you here, and help with midnight feedings and blow-out diapers. Especially when you’re recovering from the birth, I’d be a nervous wreck if you and the baby weren’t here.” The thought of something happening to either of them, even only a few blocks away, makes me feel sick.
“So it would just be for a little while?” she asks hesitantly. “For after the birth?”
I clear my throat, tempted to shout that once she moves in, she’s not leaving again. “One day at a time. But if you want to stay over tonight, I wouldn’t be opposed.”
Natalie giggles. “Do you think that’s wise? With the kids here?”
“You’re having a baby together,” Abbie shouts from the hallway. “We know you’ve had sex.”
“Did you know that regular intercourse can improve the immune system?” Ben pipes up. “I learned that from a YouTube video.”
“Woah,” I shout. “Get in here and give me your iPad so I can adjust some settings.”
The door opens, and Ben reluctantly steps in. “I don’t know why you bother. You know I can figure out how to bypass whatever settings or walls you put up.”
“You’re ten. You shouldn’t be watching videos about sex,” I answer.
Ben shrugs. “There’s a whole unit on sex in fifth grade, Dad. I’m just getting prepared.”
“He’s right, unfortunately. It’s one main reason I don’t want to teach fifth grade,” Natalie whispers. “It’s a rough month for those teachers because fifth graders can’t learn about sex and not make a ton of jokes about it.”
“Anything will be better than what is discussed at recess,” Ben says, a noticeable wince as he frowns.
“What is discussed at recess?” I ask warily.
“Did you fart?” Ben blurts out.
“Uh, no?”
“Oh that must have been me. It was my butt blowing you a kiss.”
Natalie groans. “Boys and toilet humor.”
“And we’re about to have another one,” I say with a smile.
“Another one?” she asks quietly.
“Listen,” I say softly. “This isn’t a quick thing for me. I’m not having a kid and then dropping you. I told you I’m in love with you. I expect this to be forever, which means you’ll be their step-mom. That makes you part of this family.”
“Okay,” Natalie whispers, leaning forward and applying a quick kiss to my lips.
“Gross,” Ben says with a shudder. “Can you not do that in front of me? You’re my teacher. And you’re my dad . This is weird.”
“It is not weird. And in all honesty, this baby was created before we knew she’d be your teacher,” I stammer.
“How exactly does a baby get created, Dad?” Ben asks innocently.
“You just got played,” Natalie whispers against my ear.
“I know.”
And we’re having another one … but I couldn’t be happier.