Chapter 29
A lex
Early June
“Why did you let me decide not to get the epidural? This fucking hurts!” Natalie wails. She’s on her hands and knees, bits of hair plastered to her face and neck as she rocks back and forth. She’s been in labor for twenty two hours, and the last four have been brutal. Nurses assure me everything is fine, but that the ‘ring of fire’ happens to every woman during childbirth. The baby is pushing through her cervix.
“You’re doing great, baby girl,” I whisper soothingly against her head. Honestly, she’s a rock star. Sara got an epidural both times, and her labors were half the time. Natalie even admitted she’d been having contractions for a day or two before she finally told me about them.
Going about a week past her due date, Natalie was able to work the entire school year without missing any time with her kids. I’d told her she could take time off if she wanted, but she was determined to finish the year with her class. They’d had enough change this year, and she didn’t want to throw anything else at them.
“Alex,” she breathes, her eyes wide, “I think something is happening.”
“What?”
“I think I have to poop,” she says hurriedly, then lets out a pained growl as her entire body tenses. Her hand grabs mine, closing on it fiercely .
“Sunflower, I need to get the nurse,” I tell her calmly. “I think the baby is coming now.”
Either Natalie ignores me, or she’s so caught up in the contraction that she doesn’t hear, because she doesn’t let go of my hand. I try to reach the intercom on the side of the bed, but it’s too far away.
Natalie gasps, dropping her head to the hospital bed. “Oh God, here’s another one …”
“Nat, let me get the nurse, or you’re gonna —” I break off as she lets out one incredibly long grunt before sitting up, and then reaches between her legs. Placing a wet and squirming baby on the bed, she finally addresses me.
“You can get the nurse now.”
Holy fucking shit.
This woman is a goddess.
Running to the doorway, I shout, “My wife had the baby by herself!”
Is Natalie legally my wife? No. But that doesn’t change how I feel about her.
To me, she is my wife.
As I gleefully jog back into her labor and delivery room, Natalie paws at her face with her wrists, moving stuck hair. “I’m not your wife, dummy.”
“You will be though.”
“Will I?” she asks as multiple nurses run into the room. A cry pierces the air as my son lets everyone know of his presence, and I let out a loud bark of laughter.
“Yes, Sunflower. You will be.”
Aidan Nicholas Santo cried loudly for the first hour of his life, then quieted down as he took in his surroundings. A habit of screaming and then silence was quite the juxtaposition of sound, and it certainly seemed to be as if he was comparing our two personalities. Natalie as the boisterous and loud beauty, and me the quiet and watchful one .
“Do you think your dad will be happy with Aidan’s middle name?” Natalie whispers, staring lovingly down at our milk-drunk newborn as he sleeps against her breast.
“Yeah. I’d never wanted a junior, and certainly wouldn’t name this one Alessio when Ben was already born, but I like the idea of passing on a bit of family.”
“What is Ben’s middle name?” she asks.
“Nicholas.” I’m pretty sure at least one of my brother’s included Nicholas as a middle name for their sons too. What can I say? We like family traditions.
Natalie sputters out a laugh, then gasps when Aidan’s arms fling up in surprise. Already a pro, Natalie shushes him and pats his diaper, lulling him back to sleep. “Can you give two kids the same middle name?”
“I don’t see why not. It’s not like the name police are patrolling the birth certificate applications. Certainly they’d find tons of people to cite before this. I’d bet half of the Santo grandchildren have Nicholas as a middle name.”
“I can safely say Arianna did not use Nicholas as Bianca’s middle name, Alex.”
I shrug, before winking at Natalie. “She might have. Maybe she’ll change it now, since our dad had it out with her neighbor.” While Arianna and Stone were initially hesitant to press charges against their disgusting neighbor for videoing them, Dad had no qualms about having a man-to-man talk with Frank Green. Within twenty-four hours of their conversation, police were taking statements from every resident on the street, and a for sale sign was in Mr. Green’s yard. Arianna and Stone never heard from him again.
“I read a romance book last year where the female lead was named Bunny. I couldn’t read anything from the author after that.”
“A guy I deployed with named all three of his sons after himself.”
“Wow. I can’t believe his wife let him do that.”
“Three different baby mamas. They all have his last name, though. He was definitely overcompensating.”
“Oh? ”
“Yep. Community showers. I’ve seen what he’s packing, and it ain’t much.”
My phone buzzes with an incoming text, and I read the screen to see my parents are here with Ben and Abbie. “You ready for some visitors?”
Natalie immediately pushes her hair away from her face, then repositions Aidan so her breasts are covered. “Do I look okay?”
I study her, a slow smile covering my face. “Absolutely spectacular.”
“No, really. Is my hair sticking up in every direction?”
“Baby, you just gave birth. You’re not supposed to look like you had a blowout and your makeup professionally applied. But honestly, I don’t think you’ve ever looked more beautiful.” The setting sun casts a glow around the room, giving Natalie an aura. Holding my son in her arms, I can’t think of a time where I felt this complete. Natalie has become my home.
“Can we come in?” I hear hissed from the door. Mom has her head poked through, then ushers everyone in when I nod. All four are quiet as they approach the bed, and Aidan senses their nearness, letting out a squawk as he stretches his arms out of the receiving blanket.
“What’s his name?” Ben whisper-yells.
“We named him Aidan. Aidan Nicholas,” I tell him. Glancing at my dad, I see a proud smile on his face as he nods at me. Ben, however, looks confused.
“How can he have my middle name?” he asks.
“Well,” I tell him, crouching so we’re eye-to-eye, “middle names can really be anything. Your mom and I chose to name you Benjamin Nicholas because Benjamin is her dad’s middle name, and Nicholas is my dad’s first name. Now giving Aidan the middle name of Nicholas means he’s connected to both you and Papa, which is pretty cool.”
Ben beams at me. “That is pretty cool. How’d you come up with the first name?”
I turn to look at Natalie, and she gives me a loving smile. “I had a dream last week that we named him Aidan. Your dad liked the name, so we decided to go with it.”
“That’s how I named you,” Mom says.
“Really?” I ask.
“It was going to be a family name of either Lorenzo or Francesco, but I never felt either would work. I had a dream a few weeks before you were born about naming you Alessio, but giving you the nickname of Alex, and when I told your father, he was relieved. He didn’t like either of the first two names, but he felt I was the one carrying the baby, so I got to pick the name,” she says with a laugh.
I look back at Natalie, running my hand down the side of her face. She leans into it adoringly, and says, “Alex said the same thing to me.”
“After what I just witnessed, you can rename me if you’d like,” I tell her.
“What happened?” Abbie asks.
“Tell us while I hold my grandson, please,” Mom says, motioning for Natalie to hand him over. Once Aidan is safely in her arms and she’s cooing away, I sit on the edge of Nat’s bed, sliding my arm around her. “Or do you want to wait until your parents get here to tell all of us together?”
“Oh, they were waiting until he was here before heading down. I can tell them when they get here,” Natalie tells her, before looking up at me expectantly. Evidently, I’m the one telling the story now.
“Well, this woman delivered her own baby by herself with no epidural, and no nurses were in the room. It was like nothing I’d ever experienced before. She’s a fucking rock star,” I tell my family proudly.
“Language,” Natalie hisses.
“Eh. They know I cuss, and they know they aren’t allowed to. It’s fine,” I answer with a shrug.
“How did you manage to deliver without anyone knowing? It seems like Alex would at least realize what was going on,” Mom comments.
“I couldn’t see because she was on her hands and knees —”
“You can give birth like that?” Ben asks, horrified.
“You can give birth anywhere. I’ve seen videos of women having babies in the front seat of a car, on a toilet, or standing up,” Abbie tells him .
“I’m so glad I never have to have a baby,” he says with a shiver.
“Anyway,” I say, getting them focused, “Nat was amazing. She delivered him, then calmly told me to get a nurse. He’s already taken to breastfeeding like a champ, and passed all of his APGAR tests.”
“Oh, that’s wonderful news,” Mom gushes. “How much did he weigh? He feels heavier than any of my babies did. You baked him for a whole extra week, so I’m sure he weighs more.”
“Nine pounds, nine ounces,” Natalie grins. “And I felt every one of those ounces. Counting my blessings that I didn’t have any tears though.”
“Tears?” Abbie asks.
“Don’t worry about that,” I answer hastily, but Natalie shushes me.
“She’s a woman. She needs to learn about these things. You can tear as you’re giving birth, Abbie. Down there. If the baby comes too fast, or if he gets stuck, or if his head is just too big, you can tear.”
Abbie’s face drains of all color. “I’m never having children.”
I laugh as I place a tender kiss on Natalie’s forehead. “You say that now, but I bet you change your mind. Just don’t change it for fifteen or so years.”
Natalie and Aidan are discharged a day later, and on the way home, Natalie asks if we can make a stop.
“Sure. What do you need?” I ask.
“I don’t need anything, exactly. I’d like to take Aidan to Sara’s grave if that’s okay.”
Pulling the car over into the closest parking lot, I turn to her. “You do?”
She nods. “It might sound crazy, but I’ve felt her around me a lot the last couple of months. I want to introduce Aidan to her. Let her know I’ll take care of you and her babies.”
My throat thick with emotion, I lean over to kiss her gently. “We can wait and do it another time. ”
“No,” she says assuredly. “It needs to be today.”
“Okay,” I say tentatively. The hospital we gave birth at resides closer to Sara’s grave, but it’s still out of the way. We stop once for Natalie to feed Aidan, arriving at the cemetery close to sunset. Natalie removes Aidan from his car seat, and we slowly walk toward Sara’s final resting place.
I’ve made this walk hundreds of times. Every time before today involved grief. Sadness. An overwhelming wave of heartbreak. The last time I visited, I waited for Natalie to arrive, and my feelings were of anxiety and nervousness. Today, however, I finally feel at peace. I can’t change the past. I can’t bring Sara back. But I know she’d be happy with how I’ve moved on, and how I’m raising our children.
“Hi Sara,” Natalie whispers as we reach the grave. “The last time I was here, I didn’t introduce myself. I’m Natalie, but I think you already know that. I think you’ve been pushing us together for some time now, and I’m so incredibly thankful for that.”
I rest my head against hers as she continues. “I was in a crappy relationship before Alex. I didn’t know how to get out of it, and afterward, I didn’t know who to trust. I felt alone and so unworthy. I’d put on a mask for everyone. No one will ever think the loud and mouthy girl is unhappy, right? But Alex saw through that so damn fast. He recognized what I didn’t see in myself.”
Natalie sniffs as she looks down at Aidan. “I wanted you to meet Aidan. And I want you to know that I will love and adore Ben and Abbie just as much as I do Aidan. They may not have come from my body, but they’re in my heart just the same. I’m so sorry you can’t be here to watch them grow up, but know that I’ll love them enough for both of us.”
A light breeze rustles through the cemetery, and a few leaves flit around us.
I watch, captivated, as a butterfly lands on my newborn son. A butterfly.
I told you I’d come back as a butterfly.
“Look,” Natalie breathes, staring down at the butterfly.
She needs you .
I’ll always love you, but she’ll love you the way you need.
I squeeze my eyes closed as Sara’s words cover me like a warm blanket, and I swear I feel her hand on my cheek.
“There won’t be a day that goes by when I don’t think of you,” I say aloud, needing Natalie to hear the words. Tears fill my eyes as I continue. “You are my first love, but Natalie is my forever love.”
Love her like only you can.
I can finally cross over.
Until we meet again, sweet Alessio.
I feel her the moment she’s gone, a sweet caress against my face as the wind carries the butterfly, my Sara, away.
“She’s gone,” Natalie says wistfully. “She told me Aidan is beautiful, and to love you as you need in the way only I can.”
“She said basically the same thing to me,” I confess. “Is it weird we both think my dead wife is talking to us?”
Natalie shrugs, looking beyond Sara’s headstone to the rays of sunlight bursting from behind the mountains. “It only matters what we feel. I think she gave us her blessing, and now we can go home and settle into life as a family of five.”
Five.
One year ago, my family was three. I was barely surviving, and my kids paid the price for that. Now I have a new zest for life, a new son, and most importantly, a new love. Once a shell of myself, I’m ready to start the rest of my life.