1. One #2
“I know you don’t. But frankly, I don’t think I care anymore.
I’ve been tiptoeing around the issue for as long as I’ve known you because I thought you’d eventually pull that pretty head out of your ass and do something about it.
But it’s become painfully clear that I might be waiting a long damn time, and as your best friend in the whole entire world, it is my duty to tell you when you’re sabotaging your own happiness.
” He pauses then and lays a gentle hand on mine, giving it a squeeze.
“It’s been seven years since you made a mistake that cost you the man you clearly never got over, and it’s time you stopped punishing yourself.
You were a child back then, love. You don’t deserve to suffer for the rest of your life because of a choice you made when you were too na?ve and impressionable to know better.
You owe it to yourself to find out if whatever you had with Jake is salvageable.
And who knows? Maybe he’s long since gotten over it and doesn’t even blame you anymore.
Have you ever considered that he might even be happy to see you?
That he might value a chance to have a conversation so you can both let go of the past and move on with your lives? Whether it be together or apart.”
“I’m not punishing myself,” I begin to argue, but I know my attempt is futile when Caleb gives me a pointed look that suggests I might be able to pull one over on other people, but he knows me far too well.
I blow out a defeated sigh and try again.
“I know the way things ended between me and Jake isn’t all my fault.
Yes, I made mistakes, but so did he. Me not dating has nothing to do with my past and everything to do with the fact that each and every guy I’ve gone out with over the years has ended up being a bitter disappointment, and I’m just not looking for more of the same. ”
I try hard to sound convincing, but my excuses sound lackluster, even to my own ears.
I want to believe that my pathetic love life has nothing to do with the tragic end to my one and only relationship, but every time I remember Jake’s crestfallen expression the day I broke his heart, I know I’m lying to myself.
One sentence is all it took to tear his world apart.
And he got his revenge the day he returned the favor when I finally worked up the courage to face him again, only to find out the boy I’d agonized over for weeks had already moved on.
We hurt each other in the worst possible ways.
Left gaping wounds on each other’s hearts.
Deep, ugly scars on our souls. And I’m not talking about the kind that fades with time.
I’m talking about the permanent type. The kind you might be able to forget about for a time but rear their ugly heads just often enough to remind you of your foolishness in a way that makes it impossible to ignore your own shortcomings.
The funny thing is, neither of us meant to go for the jugular, yet that’s exactly what we did.
The look on Jake’s face when I told him I’d slept with someone else will haunt me for the rest of my days.
His pain-filled eyes and the utter agony twisting his features still plagues me in my dreams. And all it took for the painful memory to come rushing back and pull me under like a tidal wave, was a single mention of his name.
Four seemingly innocent letters that serve as a trigger, causing that last fateful conversation to play in my mind like a horror movie I just can’t bring myself to switch off.
“What is it, baby?” he asks, brows drawn together in confusion. “I understand we can’t just go back to the way things were and that we still have a lot to work through, but surely you can forgive me now that you know I didn’t sleep with anyone?”
Swallowing past the boulder-sized lump constricting my aching throat, I force myself to look at the boy who’s held my heart since I first laid eyes on him, preparing myself to break the one he’s entrusted me with in return.
“You may not have slept with anyone, Jake, but I did,” I say in a broken whisper and watch as his every hope and dream crumble right before my eyes.
He rears back like I’ve physically struck him.
Gawking up at me, unable to comprehend the meaning behind my words.
I take in the utter devastation splayed across his features as he inhales a shaky breath and slowly rises to his feet.
His movements are sluggish, like his body’s trying to catch up to what his subconscious already knows.
The skin between his brows crinkles as he stares down his nose at me and snaps, “What in the ever-loving fuck are you talking about?”
“It happened the night of the post-graduation party,” I begin, not wanting to tell him what I’ve done but knowing in my heart that he deserves the truth.
“I was at the diner when I ran into Jessica. She said some really nasty things about how much you enjoyed your night together. Rubbing it in my face that she’s been with you, and I was just so upset and hurt.
Everyone was staring at us, hoping for a showdown, but I didn’t have it in me to give her the fight she was looking for.
So, I ran. Like a coward, I fled the building and found a spot that provided me with enough privacy to fall apart, away from prying eyes. That’s when he found me.”
“Who?” he grits out, still not quite able to comprehend where I’m going with this.
“Shane.” My breath catches on a loud hiccupping sound as his eyes flare, and a look of betrayal crosses his features.
Averting my eyes, I ignore the churning in my gut and force myself to continue.
“Apparently, he witnessed the godawful interaction and followed me to make sure I was okay. We talked for a while, and it just felt good to have a conversation with someone who understood what it’s like to have your heart broken.
Then he admitted that he’s had a crush on me for some time and that it was part of the reason he despised you so much.
Said you weren’t deserving of such loyalty and devotion, and yet you always seemed to be the one the girls chose.
I felt bad for him,” I admit, briefly flicking my gaze to his burning one.
“I understood what feeling like you’re not enough is like.
To be tossed aside in favor of someone else.
We kind of bonded that night, and once I felt calm enough to emerge from my little hidey-hole, he offered me a ride home.
I agreed. To be perfectly honest, it felt nice to have someone look at me with genuine interest for a change.
To be desired. To feel special and wanted after months of being pushed away.
And when we got to my place, and he leaned in to kiss me, I didn’t stop him.
” Jake spins on his heel, giving me his back as he rakes his fingers through his hair and pulls on the strands, his whole body vibrating with barely restrained anger.
I know he doesn’t want to hear this, but I push on anyway, desperate to confess my sins and relieve the festering guilt chewing a hole through my stomach lining.
“I don’t know why I did it. I’m not even attracted to him.
But when he followed me inside, I didn’t object.
Jessica’s words were playing on a loop in my head, and I just wanted it all to go away.
I craved human connection and the comfort he provided in that moment.
I just wanted to feel whole for a little while.
” Jake’s head drops back on his shoulders, and he stares at the ceiling, his shaky exhale the only sound in the otherwise silent room.
“You have to understand. I genuinely believed we were over. I couldn’t imagine ever getting back to a place where I could trust you again, and without trust, we had nothing.
So, when he stepped up to me and began to undress me, I let him. ”
“Stop,” he growls, turning abruptly. His red-rimmed eyes are filled with so much anguish it makes me flinch. “For the love of God, just stop talking.” He swipes at the unwanted tears spilling over, movements jerky as his chin begins to quiver.
“Fuck,” he explodes after a long, drawn-out moment, making me jump.
He paces my room like a caged animal before coming to a halt in front of me.
My blotchy face and sorrowful expression do little to calm him.
In fact, they only seem to fuel his rage.
“Was that your way of getting back at me? You thought I slept with someone, so you had to get even? Tit for tat, huh? I’ve been a fucking mess these past few weeks without you, Tessa.
The guilt of what I’d done was literally eating me alive.
I couldn’t sleep. Couldn’t think. Hell, it felt like I couldn’t breathe, I missed you so fucking much.
And then I found out I didn’t do it. That I’m not a disloyal, cheating piece of shit after all, and I was so fucking relieved I wanted to cry.
And instead of mourning what we’d lost and taking some time to come to terms with the end of our relationship, you fall into the arms of the first guy who pays you a little attention?
Shane fucking Cooper, of all people? After everything that prick’s done to me.
Jesus Christ, Tessa. He planted drugs on me and had me arrested.
I took the beating of a lifetime when I got home that night. ”
I suck in a sharp breath at his heated confession.
Jake isn’t usually forthcoming about the abuse he’s suffered at the hands of his father.
I always thought he kept a careful lid on the frequency of it to protect his siblings.
To keep word from getting out and drawing unwanted attention from the authorities.
But sometime after his father cleaned up his act, he told me I played a big part in his silence.
That he wanted to shield me because he knew I’d worry myself sick on his behalf.
As it stands, he no longer seems to care about sparing my feelings.
At this moment in time, he wants me to understand just how much Shane’s manipulations have cost him.
I spread my legs for a guy who’s done his utmost best to tear us apart, and in the end, he succeeded. Everything Shane said that night was a calculated lie to get to the real target. To hit Jake where it hurt the most, and I, the naive fool that I am, played straight into his hands.
“I didn’t know,” I whisper, pleading with my eyes for him to believe me. “Shane said he regrets his actions. That he knows he took it too far, and that’s why he never pressed charges against you.”
Jake gives a bitter snort. “He didn’t press charges because Carter and Chase threatened him.
They cornered him after school and made it clear that going to the station wasn’t an option.
That motherfucker is incapable of regret, and he happily would’ve taken me to court if my friends hadn’t intervened.
He played you, Tessa. Jessica and Shane banded together, and they manipulated us both.
At least I can say I was drugged and unable to put up much of a fight.
But you didn’t even try. You didn’t even pose a challenge when you allowed that slimy weasel access to your body at the first opportunity.
They must’ve had a good laugh about how easy you made it.
All he had to do was pay you a few half-hearted compliments, and you were open for business. ”
“That’s not fair.”
“Fuck fair!” he suddenly roars, and I choke back the sob begging to break free.
“Let me tell you what’s not fair. You screwing some guy just to spite me.
Kicking me when I already felt so low, I didn’t think it was possible to feel any worse.
I can’t believe this shit,” he spits, voice trembling with emotion.
Unable to sit still any longer, I push to my feet and close the distance between us.
When I lift a tentative hand to reach for him, Jake flinches like a wounded animal.
“Don’t fucking touch me,” he snarls, backing up a few steps and making it more than clear he doesn’t want my comfort.
“We’re through, you hear me? Done. Fucking over.
Stay out of my way until it’s time for you to leave for Phoenix.
Don’t contact me. Don’t talk to me. Don’t even look in my general direction if we happen to run into each other between now and then.
As far as I’m concerned, you’re dead to me.
I don’t need you or anyone else, for that matter. You can all go to hell.”
“You don’t mean that,” I cry, as I wrap my arms around my shoulders in an attempt to protect myself from the weight of his punishing words.
“I’ve never been more clear-headed in my life.
God, I wish I never fucking met you,” he adds, twisting the knife deeper.
The corner of his lip curls into a snarl and he gives me a scathing look before saying, “I hope he was worth it.” And with that last parting shot he turns his back on me one final time.
The shrill sound of the phone ringing pulls me back into the here and now, as Caleb’s concerned expression slowly comes into focus.
I blow out a shuddering breath and briefly consider letting it go to voicemail in case it’s Paul calling back in a last-ditch effort to convince me to go out tonight.
The truth is, I’m grateful for the distraction, so I reach for it anyway.
There’s nothing Paul could ever do or say that would even come close to the harrowing pain that consumes me whenever I let myself dwell on the past. Desperate to shake the unsettling feeling in the pit of my stomach, I swipe a thumb across the screen.
“Hello?” I greet, clearing my throat when my voice breaks on the last syllable.
“Teresa, baby. It’s me,” my father’s rich, soothing baritone spills from the device. “Listen, I don’t want you to panic, but your mother and I have some rather upsetting news.”
My heart begins to pound, vision dimming as I try to make out my dad’s words over the incessant buzzing sound in my head.
When I end the call under ten minutes later, I do so with a trembling hand.
I turn to face my roommate with a hollow feeling in my chest, chin quivering when I say, “Well, I guess you’re about to get your wish. Looks like I’m finally going home.”