18. Eighteen
Eighteen
Tessa
“ S o?” my mom prods as we sit in the hospital’s day clinic, where she’s been receiving her chemo treatments for the past two months.
Hooked up to a drip that is pumping God knows what into her veins, I know she’ll be weak and violently ill for the next couple of days, and I’ve never felt more useless in my life.
Being forced to sit idly by while someone you love suffers is a special kind of hell, and I’d gladly take on the burden if it meant easing even a fraction of her pain.
“How are things going with that handsome young fella of yours?”
I fight the smile begging to break free.
This woman is something else. How she can sit there, all nonchalant, and inquire about my love life, like she’s not living her own personal nightmare is beyond me.
But if it helps keep her mind off this awful new reality, I’ll damn well indulge her.
It’s been over a week since Jake’s had what was undoubtedly a tough conversation with his sister, and Anna has seemed a lot lighter and even less sour toward me since.
A small but welcome development that’s playing in our favor since she’s stopped giving me the evil eye every time I get a little too touchy-feely with her brother.
Glancing at my mom I give a mumbled, “Great,” knowing full well my one-word answer will drive her up the wall.
Then I wait while I continue flipping through the pages of the latest edition of People magazine.
Her impatience is palpable, and I can practically feel her gaze boring into the side of my face.
“Are you going to elaborate, or do I have to beg for every juicy morsel? I’d hate to play the cancer card, but I’ll do what it takes to get that tongue of yours wagging.”
“Mom,” I wail, slamming the magazine shut and placing it on the small table between us. I level her with a disbelieving look.
“What?” she asks, feigning innocence. “Gotta get something out of this. You won’t believe the lengths people will go to once they find out about your diagnosis.
These days, I only have to cough, and your father runs to fetch me a cup of tea.
Tell me something. When have you ever seen your dad move faster than a snail’s pace?
He hasn’t made me a single hot drink in over thirty years.
Now, he keeps me so hydrated I have to pee every fifteen minutes.
I feel like one of those cartoon characters whose eyeballs are filling up with liquid.
” I giggle. “And don’t even get me started on the girls from my book club.
They’ll disclose anything, no matter how personal, just to take my mind off all this,” she finishes, waving a hand in the air to indicate our dreary surroundings.
“Last week, Irma told me Hank put his back out trying to recreate an advanced karma sutra position. He had to be taken to the hospital by ambulance. Of course, they made up some bogus story about how he’d gotten injured during some heavy lifting,” she adds with a roll of her eye.
“Anyway, the point is, she never would’ve told me how it really happened pre-cancer.
Which brings me back to my original statement, which is even the worst things in life have their perks. ” I can only shake my head.
My mom truly is remarkable. A caring mother, a loving wife and loyal friend.
She rarely gets upset, has an open ear for everyone, and always maintains a positive attitude.
Even now, sitting in that chair of horrors while getting pumped full of poison, she can still joke about the cruel hand she’s been dealt.
“Now, stop stalling and lay it on me.” She nudges me in the side with a bony elbow, and I feign the appropriate amount of irritation before eventually giving in. After all, this is my mother. If I can’t confide in the woman who birthed me, who can I turn to ?
“Jake and I are having fun, but I think we’re both hoping to make it work long-term this time around.”
My mom’s face lights up, and she gives me a satisfied nod, patting my forearm affectionately.
“I knew in my heart you two would find your way back to each other. It took you longer than I expected, but I’m glad you finally managed to move past whatever it was that kept you apart. Sometimes, it takes one tragedy to end another.”
“Mom,” I croak, heart heavy as I take in her gaunt appearance. I’m about to speak when she raises a hand to stop me.
“Listen to me, Teresa. I’m having a hard time coming to terms with this. I’m trying hard to put on a good front for your father’s sake. Men like to fix things, and when they can’t, they don’t tend to cope so well. I have to be strong for him.”
And that, right there, is my mother in a nutshell. It takes a special kind of person who’d push her own fears and discomforts aside to make things easier for the people they love.
“Cancer is a senseless killer that tears families and lovers apart every single day. There’s no rhyme or reason.
It doesn’t matter if you’re young or old, good or evil.
It’s as random as a winning lottery number, and there’s no bartering with God.
You know me. I’m always trying to look on the bright side, and I’m not ready to go just yet.
I’m doing everything in my power to beat this, and I plan to be there for you and your father until I die of old age.
By that time, I’ll most likely be a senile pain in the ass, and you’ll be happy to be rid of me. ”
“Never,” I whisper while we share a teary-eyed look, interlacing our fingers to draw strength from one another.
“Anyway, if me having breast cancer and going through all of this is what it took to get my daughter back, to stop her from hiding and force her to face her fears so she can be happy again, then I’ll gladly take on this fight.
I’d do it all over again if it means you get to live the life you were always meant to live. ”
I take a shuddering breath and screw my eyes shut to keep the tears at bay.
“I’m scared,” I whisper so quietly I’m not sure she even heard my admission.
“Of what, sweetheart?” Blinking my eyes open, I meet her encouraging gaze.
“This thing between me and Jake? It’s all-consuming.
Always has been. It’s terrifying and amazing all at once.
You know I’ve loved him for as long as I can remember, and in my heart, I know that’ll never change.
My feelings for Jake have never been in doubt.
It’s what goes on in his head that often leaves me feeling uncertain. He’s a complicated man. ”
My mom angles her body toward mine and lifts my chin, refusing to let me hide.
“You were just a baby when you left for college. You didn’t know who you were back then, let alone who you could be.
It’s easy for a young girl to doubt her own worth.
It’s even easier to doubt the authenticity of the emotions of a handsome yet troubled young man such as Jake.
I’m sure he gave you more than one good reason to question his love for you.
Now…” she says, giving my hand a squeeze.
“I don’t know what it was that sent you running.
But I remember the day he came looking for you like it was yesterday.
The devastation and disbelief in his eyes when I told him you’d left will forever be burned into my memory.
The air of defeat that clung to him when he walked off that porch broke my heart.
If you could’ve seen his expression at the exact moment it truly sunk in that he’d lost you, you’d know that boy loves you as fiercely and completely as you love him. ”
My mother takes her time brushing my hair out of my face and behind my ear to give me a moment to process.
“Maybe he wasn’t able to show it at the time.
Maybe he lacked the ability to make you feel like you were enough, but you need to remember where he came from.
That poor boy was raised by a cold and ruthless monster, and I can only imagine the psychological damage that kind of upbringing leaves on a developing, young mind.
You know, I’ve kept an eye on him over the years,” she tells me with a devious sparkle in her eye.
“It wasn’t easy, considering he avoided me like the plague, but I have my ways.
I ran into him once, when he was out for lunch with the girl he was seeing before you got back, and let me tell you, he wasn’t looking at her the way he looks at you.
That boy’s entire face lit up when you walked into the kitchen for your date the other night, and it told me everything I needed to know.
He’s still as smitten with you as he ever was. ”
I wipe at the corner of my eye, having long since lost the fight against myself.
“I know you, sweetheart,” she continues, undeterred by my struggle to keep it together.
“Ever since you started spending time together again, you’ve been wondering whether or not a future with him is even possible among all the hurt and confusion.
I’m here to tell you that you already know the answer.
You just have to trust your gut. You two have the kind of love fairytales are made of.
The kind that is unaffected by something as trivial as time or space.
Not everyone is lucky enough to receive such unwavering devotion, and the only one standing in the way of your happily ever after is you.
You only get so many chances in life, and you never know when it’s your time to punch out. ”
My bottom lip wobbles, and I sink into my mother’s waiting arms, grateful for her guidance.
I remain there, soaking up the comfort and peace just being near her brings me.
Suddenly, the thought of Jake never getting to experience a mother’s warm embrace again hits me with a pang of profound sadness.
Who has been there to wrap him in a hug when he desperately needed one?
Who has offered him words of wisdom or even a shoulder to cry on when he was struggling?
Until this very moment, I never truly realized just how alone he must’ve felt for the majority of his life.
With my mom’s advice still fresh in my mind, I make a promise to myself.
From now on, I’ll be that person for him.
I’ll be his rock. His unwavering support and steadfast sounding board.
The wind at his back. I’ll make it my life’s mission to love him the way he should’ve been loved all along.
And this time around, I’ll hold on to him with everything I have.