17. Seventeen #2
“Dad was very demanding back then. I worked too much, which caused me to struggle at school. Throw in the added responsibility of looking after you and Jude because he was in no condition to, and it was a lot for a kid my age. I was overwhelmed. When everything would get to be too much, I’d snap and argue with him, and he’d…
” I drift off mid-sentence, still unsure whether revealing the ugly truths of my past serves a purpose, or if some things are better left unsaid.
Anna loved our father. To her, he’d been an affectionate man, destroyed by the death of his wife.
A troubled soul trying to find solace at the bottom of a bottle.
We had lived with two entirely different people, and I’m not sure I want to taint the picture she’s painted in her mind .
“You can say it, Jake. He beat you and took his anger out on you,” she blurts, and a bitter snort follows at my shocked surprise.
“How clueless do you think I am? I might have been too young to be of any help to you then, but I was neither blind nor deaf. Do you really believe I just hid in my room whenever things got tense, and you sent me away? I stayed out of sight because I knew you didn’t want me to see the shit he did to you, but I sat on that damn staircase each and every time it happened, and I sobbed until it was over.
I couldn’t just leave you there on your own.
I foolishly believed being close to you would somehow make you feel less alone.
Less helpless. I hated him for hurting you.
I hated the way he spoke to you and how he looked at you like you were the cause of all his problems. I should’ve done something.
But I was nothing but a scared little coward, and I’ll always resent myself for turning a blind eye. ”
She makes a choked sound and expels a shaky breath before meeting my watery gaze.
“I also know I’m the reason you put up with it for so long and why you never went to college.
I’m not an idiot, Jake. You were trapped in a nightmare, and if it wasn’t for Jude and me, you could’ve gotten away from him a lot sooner.
I’ll never be able to repay you or thank you enough for the sacrifices you’ve made for us. ”
I clasp my hands under the table to keep them from shaking, swallowing past the boulder sitting at the base of my throat.
What the actual fuck? All this time, I was under the impression I’d succeeded in protecting my baby sister from the ugliness happening under this roof.
That I managed to give her the carefree childhood she deserved, and here she is, telling me she’s known all along.
That I haven’t shielded her from anything.
In fact, I only made things worse by not confiding in her sooner and leaving her to deal with her confusing feelings on her own.
That she blames herself because she couldn’t stop a grown man from doing whatever the hell he wanted tells me just how badly I’ve failed her.
“Fuck, Anna.” I scrub a hard hand over my face, silently cursing myself for my ignorance. “Why didn’t you say anything? Why keep this to yourself all these years?”
She gives me a half-hearted shrug. “I guess I felt guilty for being such a burden to you. Scared you’d hate me once you found out that I knew about the abuse and didn’t do a thing to help you. I feel like I’ve failed you, and I didn’t have the guts to open up that can of worms.”
“Hey. Look at me,” I prod when it’s obvious she’s struggling to make eye contact.
Her lower lip trembles, but she manages to pull herself together long enough to lift her head.
Her heart-shaped face displays a gut-wrenching vulnerability that makes me want to turn back time, change the past, and protect her better so I never have to see that kind of pain in her eyes again.
“I don’t ever want to hear you say you’re a burden to me again.
Is that clear?” I reach for her hand, giving it a firm squeeze.
“You and your brother were the only thing getting me through those years. You gave me purpose when I had little else. Without you guys, I would’ve gone completely off the rails.
Hell, I most likely wouldn’t be here today.
When I woke up in that hospital bed, do you know what made me get the help I needed? ”
The subtle flash of hope in her eyes is killing me, and I have to swallow down my own emotions to get my next words out.
“You. Seeing the fear and devastation on your little face just about broke my heart and made me realize how careless and selfish I’d been.
You saved me, Anna. And when Dad got sick, and the company was belly up, I worked my ass off and got things back on track—for you.
I wanted you guys to have a shot at any future you might choose.
I wanted to be able to put you through college and give you the life you deserved because nobody ever did that for me.
And it wasn’t like it didn’t benefit me in the end.
I mean, look at me,” I say, and her expressive eyes flick to mine.
“I’m running a successful business, providing a paycheck to six guys so they can—in turn—provide for their own families.
I take pride in my work, and you know how much I love barking orders and watching people scramble whenever I walk onto a job site,” I add with a wink, drawing a reluctant giggle out of her.
“I wouldn’t have had the drive or the guts to make any of it happen without the right incentive.
You and your brother gifted me with the life I have now, and I’m damn proud of what I’ve accomplished.
So, get rid of this misplaced guilt you’ve been carrying around for no reason.
I don’t blame you for anything. I don’t regret anything, and you could never be a burden to me.
You’re my little Anna Banana. My reason for being, and I love you so damn much. ”
A broken sob tears itself from her throat, and I’m on my feet, sliding onto the bench seat beside her so I can gather her close.
I rock her back and forth while she cries into my chest, releasing years and years of build-up.
God, I was an idiot for ever thinking she’d be oblivious to what goes on in her own home.
Anna’s smart as a whip, one of the brightest people I know, and she’s always been observant and curious by nature.
It makes me wonder what kind of shit is weighing on Jude.
I make a mental note to check in with him on his next visit.
Make sure he knows how much he means to me, and what a positive impact he’s had on my life.
The last thing I want is for him to blame himself for something that wasn’t his fault.
Fuck, I really hate my father sometimes.
“I love you so much, Big J,” comes Anna’s broken whisper.
I rest my cheek on the top of her head, breathing in her familiar scent, and will myself not to break down.
Despite my best efforts, my voice comes out raw when I say, “I know you do.” I give her a few more minutes to compose herself before I pull back to look at her blotchy face.
“Promise me one thing,” I say once we both seem to be in control of ourselves again.
“I won’t ask you to never touch a drop of alcohol again because I know what it’s like to be unable to meet unrealistic expectations, and I won’t do that to you.
I know you’re growing up, and soon enough, you’ll be heading off to college to experience everything life has to offer.
If you want to get a little tipsy here and there or smoke the occasional joint, who am I to judge?
But I need you to promise me that I’ll always be the first number you call if you ever get yourself into a situation you can’t get out of on your own.
I don’t give a shit what time it is, and I don’t care if I have to drive halfway across the country to get to you.
I’ll always be there if you need me, and I don’t ever want you to feel like you can’t count on me because you’re scared of how I might react.
Your safety and well-being will always be my number one priority. Do you understand?”
Anna sniffs and nods her head once.
“Always be in control and stay away from the hard stuff,” I add, leveling her with a serious look.
“Trust me when I say that shit can suck you in faster than you realize, and these days, you can never be sure what you’re getting.
One bad batch and that’s it. Your life is over, and I don’t even want to think about what that would do to me.
I need you to be smarter and stronger than I was. Can you do that for me?”
“Yes,” Anna croaks, looking solemn and determined as she wipes at her runny nose with the back of her hand.
“You don’t have to worry about that with me. I don’t like how I feel this morning. Not being able to remember what happened last night is terrifying, and I’ve never had the urge to experiment with drugs. I’m happy, thanks to you, and I don’t want to let you down ever again. You can trust me.”
“You’ve never let me down, Anna. Please, hear me when I say that there was nothing you could’ve done for me back then.
You were a child, and he was a broken, sick man with a mean streak.
You were right to not interfere. It would’ve only made things worse for all of us.
You’re the best sister in the world, and I’m damn glad I have you in my life.
Who else would I turn to when I need my laundry washed. ”
Anna gasps in mock outrage, pressing a hand to her sternum before she pushes me away and turns her attention back to her tepid breakfast like the last thirty minutes didn’t happen.
A true Nelson trait if I ever saw one. All three of us have an uncanny ability to switch off our emotions in the blink of an eye .
Chuckling to herself, Anna tears into a strip of bacon and waggles her eyebrows at me.
“Well, if you play your cards right, you may end up with another female to replace me once I’m ready to move out. What’s going on with you two, anyway? Are you, like, together-together?”
I rise and begin loading up the dishwasher to give myself time to consider my answer.
Are we together? I don’t really know what we are.
We’ve certainly seen a lot of each other these past few weeks, but I don’t know what it all means.
Are we in a relationship? Is it crazy of me to even think that, considering she lives a twenty-hour drive away?
I know I have strong feelings for Tessa.
In all honesty, they never went away. But am I truly ready to put my heart on the line again?
What will she do once her mother gets better?
Am I enough for her to consider giving up her big life in the city?
Glancing over my shoulder, I give my nosy sister a shrug.
“Honestly, I’m not sure what we’re doing. Right now, we’re simply enjoying spending time together. Getting to know each other again. It’s good to have her back in my life, but I’m not ready to put a label on it just yet.”
“So, why the radio silence all these years?” she asks around a mouthful of egg. “I’m sorry, but I’m dying to know.”
I release a drawn-out sigh and decide, what the hell? We’ve already been through one uncomfortable conversation this morning. Why stop now? So, I lay it all out for my sister and watch her go through a myriad of emotions before she settles on stunned disbelief.
“That lying bitch,” she exclaims, mouth agape when I get to the part where Jessica made Tessa believe I was using her body to get over our breakup.
“If she wasn’t in the psych ward already, I’d lay her skanky ass out.
She’s always rubbed me the wrong way. The way she looks at you when you’re not paying attention is seriously creepy. ”
“Doesn’t matter now,” I tell her, drying my hands on a dish towel. “I don’t waste my time thinking about her anymore. The point is, Tessa and I both fell victim to her messed-up schemes and we both paid the price for it. So, please, just treat her with respect and leave the past where it belongs.”
“Do you love her?” I smile at her persistence. Like a dog with a bone, that one.
“Anna, I’ve never loved anyone but her. How could I not?
Have you seen the ass on that woman?” I try not to crack up when her nose scrunches up, and she hits me with a look that says, ‘I’m both disgusted and disappointed with you right now’, like she’s looking for some grand romantic revelation, and my chauvinistic statement is a personal affront.
“Can’t you be serious for one second? ”
I duck when she tosses a piece of buttery bread my way, grinning when it misses me entirely.
The truth is, I’ve been too serious for far too long.
It feels good to let go of the festering anger that’s been dragging me down for years and not overthink everything for a change.
Tessa and I have history. I’m certain we have a future as well.
What that future might look like remains to be seen.
But there’s one thing I’m sure of, and it’s that I’ll always love her.
We share a bond that no amount of time or distance can sever, and I’m tired of fighting my own instincts.
For once, I want to trust that things will turn out exactly the way they were always meant to be.