Eight
The atmosphere backstage at Toronto’s Rebel Nightclub was electric.
Instrument cases, wires, and empty beer bottles were scattered along the hallways. The air was thick with the smell of hairspray, sweat, and acrid fire notes caused by the pyrotechnic smoke fluid from the two previous concerts. Roadies darted back and forth, running final soundchecks while Oliver, their production manager, barked instructions into his headset.
Energy crackled with the mix of excitement and nervousness that always preceded a show. No matter how long you’d been doing this, there was always a jittering sensation that didn’t disappear until music swamped the venue. Although the video they’d used to introduce the new vocalist had blown up online, this was the litmus test. The controversy surrounding Emil’s departure had cast a shadow over the entire team, and it being Noah’s debut with the band only added to the pressure. They would either go back to their hotel rooms in a blaze of glory or defeated.
Kaj slumped down on the old leather couch, twirling a drumstick between his fingers while “Fault and Fracture” by Converge blasted in his headphones. It helped him get in the zone .
As Kaj opened his eyes, he watched Xander beside him, muttering the chords of the first song on the setlist as if he didn’t know them by heart already. Aksel sat cross-legged in a worn armchair, his fingers plucking at imaginary guitar strings. To an outsider, it probably looked like they should have been locked in an asylum, but it was just their usual pre-show ritual. What helped them get tuned to the same frequency.
Then there was Noah.
He was in a corner, separated from the rest, stretching his neck, rolling his shoulders, and twisting his upper body. He’d also been doing vocal warm-ups before.
He seemed to be taking things seriously, Kaj had to give him that, but he still didn’t like how his presence tugged at the subconscious part of his mind, slowly stripping him of his sense of self-preservation and common sense. Like a siren’s song, this man was calling him in the dark, drawing him straight into a shipwreck. And he was tired of fighting it.
So, here he was now, with anger, frustration, and lust waging a war in the nerves that connected his brain with his heart and his dick.
“You’ve got this, man,” Xander said, taking Kaj away from the nonsense in his head as he clapped Noah on the shoulder. “Just pretend it’s one of our practice sessions.”
Noah nodded, nostrils flaring and chest rising as he took a deep breath. “Right, yeah.”
Aksel chimed in, his voice steady and reassuring. “Remember they’re on our side. They’re here to enjoy what we do, not judge us. And if that doesn’t work, imagine everyone naked.” He grinned.
Kaj rolled his eyes as Noah chuckled, seemingly more relaxed. That was what Aksel’s dumbass humor did. Still, his anxiety was as palpable as it was understandable. He was used to getting all kinds of comments and critiques from thousands of people online after posting his videos, but during a live performance you were in front of everyone, vulnerable to your own fears and dependent solely on your skills. For a newbie, that was terrifying. Been there, done that.
“Has that ever really worked?” Noah asked with a tight smile.
The guitarist flashed a cheeky grin. “It does the trick for me and gets me in the mood for later.”
“Of course.” Xander shook his head, amused.
Ben, the monitor engineer, entered the room, interrupting the conversation as he made one last round, checking that their wireless packs and in-ear monitors were working just fine as Val moved around them, camera in hand.
“Ten minutes, guys!” Ivar, the tour manager, called, sending a fresh ripple of tension through the group.
Aksel pulled Noah into a quick side hug, patting his shoulder. “Just focus on us, on the lyrics and what you want to convey. Once we’re out there, everything else will fade away. Promise.”
Xander nodded. “We’re in this together.”
Kaj exhaled, shoving down the irritation curling in his guts. Fucking teamwork . Grinding his teeth, he pushed himself to his feet and made his way over to the group. Noah’s eyes flicked to him, his expression a mix of surprise and distrust.
“Let’s do this!” Kaj said, stepping between Xander and Noah, putting his arms around their shoulders. “First night!”
“Hell, yeah!” Aksel shouted as he broke the circle.
“Go give them a show!” Niels, who had been in the room the whole time, talking on the phone with another band’s booking agent, outstretched a fist for them to bump.
He rarely ever traveled with them, but their current situation wasn’t the norm, either—new vocalist, lots of drama, etc. That was why, this time, they’d decided it would be a good thing to have him around to support Ivar so the tour ran smoothly, care for their well-being from up close, and ensure their image stayed intact through the storm.
The band filed out, following a stagehand and Ivar through the dimly lit maze-like backstage area, with the security guys right at their tail. The narrow corridors pulsed with energy, the roar of the crowd growing louder as they neared the stage wing. Some of their roadies darted past, offering a quick thumbs-up or pats on the back.
Kaj’s heart pounded furiously in his chest.
Behind heavy black curtains, with the lights on the other side off, the noise became muffled excitement. Then it all turned red. Cheers became untamed and alive once again, morphing the energy into something brutal, sharp, and focused. They gathered their instruments and made their way outside.
Xander and Aksel stepped out first, greeted by an explosion of screams. Kaj was up next. He settled behind his kit with practiced ease. And lastly, Noah. From his stool, Kaj could see the hesitation teetering inside of him for a second before he strode out, microphone clutched tightly in his hand as he waved at the audience.
Twirling his sticks, Kaj scanned the sea of faces before them. The lights were blinding, but he could discern just enough of the first rows, a blur of curiosity and enthusiasm.
Not a bad start.
With a collective nod when the musicians glanced at each other, Kaj counted them in.
The first chords of “Egoist” ripped through the air, and the screams below intensified, sending vibrations through the floor and into Kaj’s bones as he double-kicked, arms moving in perfect sync.
Xander’s bass thrummed.
Aksel’s guitar wailed.
And then… Noah’s voice soared.
The first few lines were tentative, a slight shudder in the high-pitched growls that were barely noticeable over the instruments unless you’d heard him sing live before. But as the verse progressed, his confidence grew. By the time they hit the chorus, Noah was swimming in his element. And he was fucking glorious.
The throng of people surged forward, headbanging, horns raised up in the air, merging with the thundering melody like they belonged in it. The mosh pit became a chaotic dance of brutality, limbs, and sweat. Kaj abandoned himself to the rhythm, and muscle memory took over as he pounded out beat after beat.
The concert turned into a haze of smoke, red flashes, and vicious heartbeats. Flying through their setlist, each song weaved seamlessly into the next. Kaj’s wrists and lower back burned with exertion, but the pain only fueled him, just like the crowd’s savagery was feeding back into the band. Faster. Harder. Louder.
In the middle of this mayhem, his gaze locked with Noah’s as he walked across the stage. The intensity in his eyes made Kaj’s breath catch in his throat. And for a moment, the rest of the world fell away. It was just the two of them, connected by the riptide of energy shaking the venue.
Darkly and more tempting than ever, Noah’s lips curled into a smirk right before they launched into “Abyss”, the last song.
Kaj had seen that expression before. When the word love meant something. When they played in crappy bars with Theo and Val. When, years later, their relationship was driven by toxicity and hedonism.
A wall crumbled.
A torrent of desire flowed right through him.
Fire caught under his skin and every nerve in his body came alive, hyperaware of Noah’s blatant invitation.
Getting a boner in the middle of a concert wasn’t only inconvenient but painful as fuck. Shit. Kaj wanted Noah. Couldn’t deny it anymore. Not when such a simple thing made him feel like he was walking on the edge of a blade. Yet at the same time, he hated how confusing he could be. How he provoked him. How, with just one look, he disarmed him so completely.
Clenching his teeth, Kaj tried to focus on everything but Noah. Though it was quite a challenge considering he was there, up on the platform in front of the stage, letting out the nastiest, grittiest, lowest sounds a human being could produce.
Shit. Think of something else.
Aksel’s guitar wailed with unbridled passion. Xander’s bass licks rumbled through the walls. Kaj’s drums thundered like a storm. Then the solo hit. There was a sense of madness in the way it unfolded, a place where chaos, beauty, and fury collided. One of their best creations to date, and the hardest song to perform technically.
Just as the track seemed about to implode, Noah joined them again. His growls embraced the composition, elevating and spearing through the air as they infected every particle surrounding them.
Ominous, cathartic end.
After the concert, the rest of the night went on smoothly and fast.
They had arrived in Toronto the previous afternoon, but between getting up at an unholy hour to practice, soundcheck, and mingling with the other bands backstage to bond, they were dead. Considering they had another gig in two days, a long sleep was more than deserved.
Though, apparently, for Kaj’s body, none of that was enough.
So, here he was now, in front of the half-fogged mirror in the bathroom, with a finally spent dick dangling between his legs while drying his hair with a towel.
He was tired of the constant battle between the black and white wolves within. One filled with anger and envy. The other filled with hope. Sometimes there were fleeting thoughts of the perfect life, with the perfect partner, in a fucking fairytale perfect house. It was… cozy.
However, that wasn’t for him. He was an empty vessel, shallow and damaged. Although Kaj didn’t have suicidal ideations anymore, some days he was so drained he wished he could fall into a dreamless sleep forever. Instead, he kept waking up every day.
Letting out a sigh, he tossed the towel in the sink and perched both palms on the counter, head hanging low.
People say time heals, but for him, that was bullshit. Time only helps you learn how to deal with your ghosts. It helps you befriend them despite the pain they cause, because accepting that darkness is the only way to survive .
A knock on the door yanked him back into the real world.
Kaj exhaled sharply, tapping the screen of his phone resting beside his hand, brows pinched together. Three in the fucking morning . He considered ignoring it—probably some drunkard confusing doors—but the knock came again, too steady. Too deliberate for someone who shouldn’t be able to walk a straight line.
Kaj grabbed the large towel from the rail and wrapped it around his waist. He cursed under his breath as he walked out of the en-suite, ready to punch whoever was annoying him at this hour.
He wrenched the door open. “Do you know what time—” His eyes almost fell out of their sockets. “What are you doing here?”
“What you said last week, about Mads and you. Is it true?” Noah’s gaze roamed over his body with a purpose.
Kaj’s grip on the door tightened. Noah was simply standing in front of him, hair disheveled and wet, wearing a basic black hoodie and sweatpants. But the way he was looking at him, clenching his jaw, as if he were on the verge of madness, made him look feral and sexier than ever.
Kaj stared at him, trying to look unimpressed. “What?”
“You said you’re not together.”
“So?”
“Are you seeing anyone?”
Kaj almost laughed. The audacity .
He should have slammed the door in his face, but there was an invisible force that tied him to Noah. He couldn’t look away. “What the fuck is this, S?rensen? Didn’t you say to stay away from you?”
“Are. You. Seeing. Anyone?” Noah gritted out each word.
Kaj huffed, exasperated. “No.”
Noah shoved Kaj’s chest. The door shut with a loud thud, and before he had time to process, Noah’s mouth claimed his.
No hesitation. No restraint.
With his hands cupping the sides of Kaj’s neck, thumbs forcing his jaw to the angle he wanted, Noah pressed their bodies impossibly close as he backed Kaj against the wall. He didn’t give him a second to think or adjust to the flash flood of lust that collapsed his entire system. Didn’t test the waters or tease him. Noah was on a mission to conquer everything. And fuck if defeat wasn’t sweet. Because for all his biting sarcasm and detached cruelty, when it came to this man, Kaj always lost.
Allowing him to explore every corner of his mouth, Kaj held onto the back of Noah’s hoodie like his life depended on it. They sucked on each other’s lips, chasing and attacking at the same time, alternating the softness of their tongues with stray bites. It was devastating and fierce, like an earthquake under their feet that ruptured Kaj’s willpower, sending electric pulses from the base of his skull down his spine.
Kaj’s breath was ragged.
His mind was clouded.
Past, present, and future folded into one.
No one had ever kissed like this man did, turning him into a mess of trembles and despair, hoping for the moment to extend to infinity and beyond. Kaj wanted to rip off Noah’s clothes, lick every inch of his skin, put him on his knees and fuck him until they both sagged with exhaustion. Until they were so out of themselves, they couldn’t speak. Until his fingertips were branded on Noah’s flesh.
No matter how many parallel universes existed, they would always belong together. Because you can’t have shadows without light. Good without evil. Relief without suffering.
Like the one they’d caused each other.
Fuck.
Kaj grunted and pushed Noah away. “We can’t do this.”
Noah tilted his head, a mix of confusion and irritation swirling in his eyes as his chest heaved with rapid breaths. “Judging by the bulge under that towel”—he gestured toward Kaj’s erection—“I’m pretty sure we’re on the same page about this.”
“Wha—no.” Kaj blinked fast, clenching his jaw as his stomach churned. He wanted this, but he didn’t want to want it. This man had hurt him, and he’d hurt him back, not out of hate but heartbreak. How could Noah even look at him and not feel disgusted? “Are you high or what?”
“No.”
Kaj frowned. He expected Noah to say something, but he didn’t. “What was that then?” He pointed at the door.
Noah’s nostrils flared as he took a deep breath, slowly exhaling. “I came to your room, made sure you’re not dating anyone—I’m not going to be your dirty secret again—and kissed you. You need me to draw you a diagram?”
Kaj glared at Noah, but didn’t take the bait. He was too angry to play games. “I mean why? ”
“Because I’m tired of pretending,” he rasped, prowling toward him.
“There’s something seriously wrong with you if, after the way I’ve been treating you these past few months, if after what I did, you still want to have sex with me.”
Kaj had been too ashamed to report his own abuse. Even when Mads had offered to go with him several times, he hadn’t been brave enough to do it. Even knowing Jesper could have done the same to others, he’d never found the courage to admit what had happened to him; the fear of not being believed or laughed at bigger than anything else. Because, although Nik had taught him to always be honest and embrace who he was, the moment he did it, he became a target for a predator. Although his psychologist repeated a thousand times he wasn’t weak or guilty of anything , the societal stereotype that men can’t be victims was too deeply engraved into the marrow of his bones. Yet here was Noah, in front of the man who’d raped him, asking for what? A rematch?
Noah pressed both palms against the wall, framing Kaj’s head as he hadn’t dared to move an inch. The turmoil inside him grew, tearing his soul in two as he plunged into those endless onyx irises. “You bark a lot and are loud as fuck, but I’ve seen the way you look at me.”
“Grimacing, you mean?”
“Mm-hmm… You can keep denying it. I don’t care. We both know I’m right,” Noah husked before nipping Kaj's lips. “You’re a fucking nightmare, but apparently when it comes to you, I am not above begging.”
Snapping out of it, Kaj shoved Noah’s chest, harder this time, and strode toward the window, getting away from the wall, and him, and the fucking temptation that he was. “You can beg all you want; that’s never gonna happen.”
“Really?” Noah raised an eyebrow. “Your tongue was in my mouth as you grinded against me just seconds ago… Why would you do that if you didn’t want to fuck me?”
“Stop it with the condescending tone.” Kaj rolled the towel around his waist a couple of extra times to secure it in place.
“You want it. I want it. What’s the problem?”
“That’s the problem.”
“ What exactly?”
Kaj saw red. He was a second away from hitting Noah. This was messed up. “You wanting it!”
“What’s wrong with me wanting you?” Noah frowned in clear confusion.
“Jesus fucking Christ! I raped you!” Kaj’s lungs almost gave out. “I fucking raped you the last time, and you still want me to touch you? You want me to put my dick into you? I thought I was the fucked up one.” He scoffed.
A heartbeat passed before Noah reacted, eyes widening and his mouth hanging agape. “What are you talking about?”
“It was so traumatic you forgot about it?” I need to get out of here . Kaj tried to get into the bathroom to lock himself in there until Noah left, but he grabbed his upper arm, stopping him dead in his tracks. Fucking death grip .
“I do remember our last night, but—” He paused. “I… okay. I get why you could think that, but you didn’t rape me.”
The drummer froze. “You told me to stop a thousand times, and I didn’t.”
“Kaj…”
“I hurt you and forced you down on the floor.” The images were still vivid in his memory. How Noah kept pleading for him to stop. The moment he hit his head. The way he cried while Kaj forced himself into him. “Fuck, you didn’t consent to barebacking, you told me to stop, cried, and tried crawling away from me. That’s fucking rape.” He scowled and twisted inside. “Why am I explaining this to you? And why aren’t you wincing or something?”
“Kaj…”
He tried shaking himself free. “This is sick—”
“Shut the fuck up and listen to me!” Noah shouted, squeezing Kaj’s arm tighter as he pushed him against the doorframe, the wood digging between his shoulder blades. “Yes, I told you to stop. And yes, that’s technically rape, but I only wanted you to stop because it was obvious you were struggling with something, and in so much fucking pain, I didn’t want you to hide behind sex like you did every time.” Noah searched his eyes. “I knew we couldn’t continue like that, and the way you looked at me… It felt like a last goodbye. I wasn’t ready to let you go.”
“Y-you have it all twisted.” Shaking his head, Kaj struggled to get the words out. His body felt fuzzy everywhere. “Trauma can do that.”
“I was the sober one, so I remember everything in perfect detail. Not sure you can say the same, so stop it with the trauma thing.” Noah sighed, letting go of him when Kaj said nothing. “I wanted to be more than a temporary bliss, but I got carried away and let you fuck me senseless. I actually had one big fucking orgasm that night, or did you forget that part?”
“That’s just an automatic response to stimulation,” Kaj said like he was reading the words from a book.
He wanted to tear off his skin and escape from here. He’d come three out of the seven times Jesper had raped him—the others he’d zoned out—but he never wanted any of that. He didn’t enjoy a second of it. It was violent and confusing. He was hurt and so scared. All he wanted to do each time it happened was die.
However, even when you don’t consent to something, the body is wired differently. You might hate being tickled, but you’ll laugh if someone forces that on you. Sexual arousal during rape works the same way. It’s an uncomfortable truth people don’t like talking about, but it happens.
“True. But I sought your thrusts, too. I loved having you claim me like an animal, and when you filled me up with your cum…”
Kaj’s heart writhed behind his ribs. His vision became unfocused as he tried to make verbal acknowledgement that he was listening to Noah, even though his voice was muffled. Yet he couldn’t speak. Couldn’t move. He was being pulled back, but unlike other times when he hid behind this illusory fortress, Kaj wasn’t stuck in a loop or mulling anything. It was just radio static.
“Fuck,” Noah cursed, as if realization just hit him. “You’ve been carrying the guilt about that all this time?”
Kaj nodded. Are we really having this conversation?
“You know how it’s hard for me to get sexually involved with anyone?” Noah asked, sounding closer again. “I’ve tried finding someone who made me feel even a tiny fraction like you did for years. Spoiler alert: I didn’t. No matter how much time passes or how annoying you get, my body craves you , even more so when you fight me and make it nearly impossible to like you. So, maybe, yeah, I’m fucked up in a way, but I’m tired of denying myself what I want. We never know when our last day on Earth will be.”
Kaj slowly came back to his senses. He could feel his fingertips, his toes, and the weight of his own body again. “Are you gonna tell me now I’m the only good fuck you’ve ever had?” He scoffed, scratching his head, needing it to make sure he was real.
“No. I have a great eye for picking my partners, and I’m not ashamed to ask for what I want. So sex is always amazing, but I’m usually the top in my relationships.”
“You. The top?”
“And a pretty good one at that.” Noah quirked a mocking eyebrow. “I’m vers, really, just picky with who I let in .”
“Right.” Kaj snorted, exhaustion washing over him.
“What I’m trying to tell you is that you did not rape me, Kaj. I love the way you used to fuck me, and I’ll get on my knees if I have to, so you do it again.”
Kaj was speechless. This revelation offered a glimpse of Noah Kaj knew nothing about, and the burden his words took off his shoulders… His brain short-circuited.
“I—can I think about it?”
“Ehm. Yeah, sure.” Noah’s eyes filled with something Kaj didn’t want to analyze right now.
He grabbed his pack of tobacco from the nightstand and opened the window, leaning his elbows on the sill as he lit up a cig. He didn’t really feel like smoking, but he needed his mind to focus on something other than the whirlwind of thoughts. The breeze was cold for April, but then again, they were in Canada.
“I’ll see you tomorrow,” Noah said, breaking the eerie silence in the room. “I guess.”
A door opened, then closed. The space around Kaj expanded again.
He let out a frustrated grunt, crouching down with his hand peeking outside the window. He pressed his forehead against the wall, gently knocking it over and over.
Despite how much he hated everything that Noah made him feel. Despite how bad it hurt thinking about their past. Despite how badly he wanted to let go of control and have a taste again, doing so could throw all his progress away, and Kaj wasn’t ready to face those consequences.