Nine
Sunlight slipped through the window, making the room feel cozy and warm as slanted shadows painted over the blanket. Yet Kaj felt that the temperature outside was as cold as the previous day.
Rolling on his side, he curled up into a fetal position, still trying to process the events from last night.
That kiss. That fucking conversation.
Kaj’s body felt heavy, as if it were submerged in some sort of thick, viscous liquid, and his mind was drowsy before Noah came knocking on his door. But that highly emotional exchange had sent him spiraling. He’d tossed and turned for hours, waking up several times throughout the night with the need to drink himself into a coma. The struggle of trying to make sense of the upheaval in his head was real, and now everything around him, even his own skin, felt cotton-made, like he was trapped in the longest dream ever and would open his eyes to the real world any minute now.
But the clock kept ticking and the birds sang outside, and nothing happened.
Kaj scrubbed a palm down his face and rolled onto his stomach, tucking his head under the pillow.
He’d been here, laying on the bed since he woke up for the gazillionth and last time at 1 p.m., hanging onto every word that spurted out of their mouths. It was clear that as much as he despised Noah’s presence, he was attracted to him, but the vocalist was into him, too, and wanted to go back to being what? Fuck buddies?
Of all the scenarios Kaj had imagined could take place during this tour, blurting his feelings to Noah’s face like that definitely wasn’t one of them. It was so bizarre. While they were talking, Kaj felt his consciousness recoiling into a dark corner, but he was still present, tied to Noah’s voice. It was the weirdest dissociative episode ever.
Learning how Noah felt about that night had eased the burden Kaj carried around everywhere, yet the part of his mind that enjoyed torturing him wasn’t completely on board with it. Because if, after so many years, Noah still wanted him, where did that leave them? Had the time apart been nothing but a waste? Could they have tried to fix what they broke? Or were they both just equally sick in the head and toxic? Was having sex with him a good idea when Kaj was in the middle of recovery? Was he even ready to open that door again?
So many questions and so few answers.
Finally getting up, Kaj zombied to the bathroom. He went through his usual routine—shit, brush his teeth, and stare at his blurry reflection in the mirror. He also took another shower. Water falling over his back seemed to be the only thing that calmed him down lately. Then he went up to the lounge area, not wanting to be alone with his thoughts.
With sleek lines, dark wood accents, polished metal finishes, and plush leather seating, the last floor of the hotel combined contemporary luxury with a touch of old-world French glamour. Opulent yet unpretentious, the atmosphere felt intimate up here, especially in the back of the ten-meter-long space, where the band had a small area reserved only for them.
Unless it was all booked, they always stayed at the same hotel when coming to Toronto. So much so that, even without their assistants making special requests, the management here already knew their quirks, dietary needs, and food allergies.
Walking along the pathway between the bar and the table booths, Kaj noticed a few heads turning his way. It wasn’t that he was wearing anything flashy, more like trashy—a worn-out Chelsea Grin hoodie and black ripped jeans—but his looks, with the piercings, ear gauges, tattoos, and bleached-white hair, drew people’s attention. His height probably had something to do with it, too. But Kaj wasn’t the most striking among the team. That honor lay with Xander and Markus, who could perfectly be part of the cast for one of those Viking TV shows.
As Kaj approached the reserved area, he spotted his bandmates and part of the crew gathered around the large table like the fucking Knights of the Round Table.
Aksel was gesticulating wildly with his hands, long hair swaying as he regaled the others with one of his crazy anecdotes. Xander leaned back in his chair as he sipped his coffee, shaking his head and the messy bun on top of it in the process. Frederik, Val, Markus, Oliver, and Klaus, the sound engineer, were there, too, completely hooked in the story. And then there was Noah, arms crossed over his chest as he laughed. It was annoying how he always looked so handsome, with those stupid jeans that let the ink on his legs peek out, a yellow and black long-sleeved baseball shirt no one else would look good in, and tousled hair.
“Look who finally decided to grace us with his presence,” Markus called out, deep voice tinged with amusement. “I thought you’d skip dinner, too.”
“Rough night, princess ?” Val asked.
Kaj flipped him off and slid into the empty chair beside Xander, across from Noah. “Some of us need our beauty sleep.”
“Well, it clearly wasn’t enough,” Val quipped, ducking as Kaj threw a sugar packet at his head.
“Here, you look like you need this more than me,” Aksel said, sliding his coffee across the table. Whether it was untouched or not, Kaj didn’t care. He accepted the mug and wrapped his hands around it. God knew he needed it.
The easy banter continued as Kaj took a sip of the still warm beverage. Although he didn’t dare to look in his direction, Kaj could feel Noah’s stare on him, a weight he both craved and feared. To say their conversation had been intense was an understatement, but in the cold light of day, Kaj wasn’t sure what it meant that they’d demolished that wall between them.
He was a fucking mess.
As Kaj looked up to pretend he was paying attention to whatever they were chitchatting about, his eyes locked with Noah’s. For a moment, neither of them averted their gaze. Old memories of their hands roaming over bare, damp skin, their breathy gasps, Noah’s lips on his neck, his ass strangling Kaj’s cock… The possibility of having all that again was within arm’s reach—quite literally.
Shit .
The drummer crossed one leg over the other, casually putting a hand over his crotch as blood rushed south.
“Just so you know,” Frederik started, bringing Kaj’s attention to him. “Our golden boy here”—he gestured toward Aksel—“was telling us about the events from last night, or more like early this morning.”
“Like that one time you were fucking this chick on a Ping-Pong table and got caught by the janitor guy?” Kaj tilted his head mockingly, grateful for the distraction. “Or that one time you were fucking a guy in his car, butt-dialed his mom, and then had to drive him to her house to delete the lengthy voicemail of your tryst?”
Markus roared with laughter. “I had forgotten about those.”
“Seems like you’re a fan of outdoor adventures,” Noah quipped, eyes flicking to Kaj’s.
What is with him? Kaj rubbed the back of his neck, shifting in his seat again.
Aksel rolled his eyes, faking annoyance, but he was clearly proud of his fuckery. “Right, so I was there, out on the balcony of her room at 5 a.m., with nothing but a potted plant for company.”
“With your socks on,” Val interjected, earning a round of laughter from the group.
“Yeah, with my socks on,” Aksel repeated. “She tossed everything else through the window when her friend showed up, drunk and crying.”
“And why couldn’t you go out the door like a normal person?” Frederik asked.
“She said her friend was obsessed with me and would never forgive her if she knew we’d fucked. Hoes over bros , or some shit like that. I don’t know, dude.” Aksel shrugged. “Anyway, I’m trying to figure out how to get down from there without cracking my skull open, and before having someone call the cops on me. So, I see this tree near enough, and I’m calculating the distance like a fucking cat, you know, to jump there and climb down, as painful as that would be butt-naked, when—”
“Let me,” Frederik interrupted. “Let me guess… a flock of pigeons shows up.”
“What the fuck?” Aksel’s eyes widened. “How did you know?”
“Because only you could get into a situation involving public nudity and angry birds.”
The table erupted in laughter, and even Kaj couldn’t help but join in this time. He loved seeing Aksel being his obnoxious self again. The past year had been especially hard for him. He’d worked his ass off for the band since he was fifteen; it was his entire life, and having it ruined because of Emil’s rape allegations would have been hard to overcome. Then there was Dahlia, too. She was like a sister to him. She was his person . Losing her to cancer would have been devastating for everyone in the group, but a death sentence for him.
To outsiders, it probably didn’t look like Aksel was struggling or that he cared about anything that wasn’t himself. Most people thought he was superficial and shallow because he always cracked jokes and acted like a clown. But it was all a facade. If you knew him— really knew him—it was easy to see that the light hadn’t reached his eyes in months, until now.
It was a fucking relief that after such a tumultuous year, everything was finally going back to normal.
“No, for real, it was like that Hitchcock movie, The Birds .”
“How did you escape in the end?” Markus asked, still shaking with a silent cackle.
“I got on the other side of the railing—thank fuck they’re not made of glass but metal bars—and hung from it, hopping off. Of course I landed on my ass, but it was the first floor, and that was better than a nude scandal.” Aksel shrugged as if it was no biggie.
Another round of guffaws.
“I swear your life is like a sitcom,” Xander said, clapping his friend on the back.
“Yeah, yeah, laugh it up,” Aksel said. “If it weren’t for me, these gatherings would be like a funeral.”
“Speaking of sitcoms,” Val said, a mischievous grin spreading across his face, “did you guys see the guy who was eye-fucking Noah backstage yesterday? I swear I pictured him slipping on his own drool in my mind.”
Kaj’s mouth twisted into a frown. He remembered the dude flirting with Noah, so hard the vocalist actually looked inhibited, which was ironic, considering he was a head taller and stronger.
Noah groaned, running a hand through his hair. “Don’t remind me.”
“Oh, come on, it was cute,” Aksel teased.
“Cute? He fucking tried to grope my dick.”
“But he was wearing a T-shirt with your face on it.”
“Because that’s not creepy at all.” Noah snorted.
Kaj felt another twinge in his chest that made him want to go back in time and kick the man out of backstage, but he quickly pushed it down. He had no business feeling possessive over Noah. Still, it irked him that he already had people so obsessed with him. It had been what? Two weeks since the world outside his online community knew he even existed? So much for not wanting to be the fucking main attraction. Like always .
“Speaking of creepy fans,” Frederik chimed in. “Remember that time in Berlin when that woman showed up at our hotel dressed as a maid?”
Xander groaned, burying his face in his hands. “God. No.”
“Wait, what?” Noah planted both hands on the table, leaning in with a curious eyebrow quirked. “I haven’t heard this one yet.”
“Oh man, you’re in for a treat,” Aksel said, rubbing his hands together gleefully. “Come on, big man. Don’t leave the newbie in the dark.”
“Okay…” Xander sighed. “So, there I was, fresh out of the shower, wearing nothing but a towel. I heard a knock at the door and figured it was room service with my breakfast. I opened it, and there was this woman in a frilly maid outfit, complete with fishnets and heels.”
As Xander launched into the tale, with dramatic reenactments and all, including the part where she told the bassist “I’m here to dust your cobra” while shaking the feather duster on his face, Kaj dragged his gaze back to Noah. He was fully engaged in the story, eyes sparkling with amusement, lips curved in a smile that made Kaj’s stomach flip.
Noah nearly choked on his coffee as the rest howled with laughter.
“Holy shit,” Noah managed between coughs. “What did you do?”
“I slammed the door in her face and called security. But not before she tried to shove the feather duster through the gap.”
Noah was wheezing. “Oh my god!”
The way the spine of his throat elongated as he threw his head back. The easy way he fit in with the group despite being the newcomer. It was infuriating how effortlessly charming Noah was. How he could probably have his pick of anyone he wanted.
But he wants you.
The thought stroked Kaj’s ego as much as it set off the alarms in his head. It was a constant contradiction with this man. Kaj didn’t want Noah looking at anyone else the way he’d looked at him last night. But he was terrified of the shit it would bring to their already complicated history if he caved in.
They had already played in Ottawa, Montreal, and Quebec City. Other than their flight to Vancouver after lunch, nothing else was planned for today, which was nice for a change. Going to bed late and having shitty schedules had them all in energy-saving mode, except for Kaj. He was out of whack.
So here he was, at the completely and utterly empty hotel gym, because no one in their right mind would get up before the sun was out, not the crew or those here on vacation. The only other living creature around was the reception guy outside. Kaj preferred it like this, anyway.
Breathing in sharply through his nose, Kaj lowered the barbell slowly toward his chest, then pushed it back up to the starting position as he breathed out.
The playlist he always used to train was on shuffle, currently blasting “Bad Guy” by Falling In Reverse. Although they were quite talented and knew how to put on a show, Kaj didn’t listen to them much, yet he had to admit he agreed with and, sadly, related to some of the lyrics of their “Popular Monster” album. Obsessive. Dramatic. Loner. Addict. Problematic. That pretty much defined him.
Kaj did another set of repetitions, shutting all the intrusive thoughts out. This was what he liked the most about working out; all his focus was on using the specific muscles for each exercise, breathing correctly, and counting.
Six, seven, eight.
With his arms trembling slightly, Kaj let out a puff of air through his mouth and rested the bar on the rack. He sat up straight and took a sip of water to give his pecs a break for a minute before the last set.
When he got up to add another 10 kg, He stopped dead as he saw Noah running on the treadmill. What the fuck? The drummer sighed, rolling his eyes. He was starting to worry that they would get stuck in the back of his head, given how often he did it.
Continuing with his life, Kaj grabbed two weight plates and walked toward the bench press.
As he was securing the new discs, a glimpse of movement in his periphery caught his attention. Noah had finished his warm-up and was approaching. The closer he got, the thicker the air became, making Kaj’s muscles tense. Why the hell was he so self-conscious? Sure, they’d had a sexy, weird, and uncomfortable interaction , but he wasn’t a teenager anymore.
Get a grip of yourself.
Kaj sat on the bench. He considered pretending he hadn’t seen Noah, but since the vocalist was standing in front of him, there was no plausible workaround as to why he’d ignored him.
Stopping the music, Kaj glanced up and unwillingly took off his headphones, leaving them resting around his neck. “How may I help you?” His tone was blatantly sardonic.
Noah flashed him a sly, lopsided grin. “Need a spotter?”
Kaj gave him a once-over, hoping it felt scrutinizing and judgy. He looked strong enough to assist him. 120 kg in a set of 8 repetitions wasn’t as crazy as some might think—not with Kaj’s composition—but he didn’t want to be around Noah. Not alone. Not so close. He’d been avoiding this exact situation for the past six days. Why did he have to be here?
“I don’t know, pretty boy. These are quite heavy. Wouldn’t want you to strain yourself.”
Noah raised an eyebrow, a hint of amusement glowing in his eyes. “You’d be surprised how much I can handle , Larsen.”
Kaj lay down on the bench, pretending to be unfazed, but the pun intended in his words had sent a jolt of electricity straight to his core. “Be my guest. Might as well make yourself useful. You better not drop it on me, though.”
“I wouldn’t dream of it. Your fans would hunt me down and probably hang me by the balls.” Noah moved into position, his hands hovering just below the bar when Kaj lifted it from the rack.
Hyperaware of their proximity, he pushed through the first rep, the second… He was trying to focus solely on the burn in his muscles and the controlled rhythm of his breathing, but Noah’s presence was impossible to ignore. The slightly rolled-up sleeves of his lightweight zip-up hoodie, showing off those stupidly sexy forearms. The faint scent of soap mingling with sweat. Not to mention his dick. It wasn’t visible, but it was there, tucked behind too many layers of fabric, right above his head.
Fuck my life.
Normally, Kaj wouldn’t think about this stuff. Had never even crossed his mind with his gym buddies, but this was Noah, and Kaj fucking craved him. It was like fighting the hunger sensation caused by an insulin spike.
“You always work out this early?” Noah asked casually.
Kaj huffed as he pushed the bar up. Three. “Only when I’m trying to avoid people.”
“And here I thought we were bonding.”
“Is that what you call this?” Inhaling, Kaj pulled the bar down to his chest and up again. He could feel his face turning red from the exertion. Four . “I’m not sure I wanna know what your idea of torture is then.”
“You know, some people actually enjoy my company.”
“Some people also like getting punched in the face.”
“You’re really committed to this whole alpha-hole fake character, aren’t you?”
“Who says it’s fake?” Kaj grunted. Five .
“People say drummers are friendly. You know, the calm peacemakers that regulate the louder guys.”
Six . The weight became almost unbearable at this point. “Stereotypes.”
Noah chuckled. “Beneath all that tough-guy facade, I know the real you, Larsen. No one changes that much over time.”
“Watch me.”
As Kaj started the seventh rep, knowing full well he wouldn’t make it to the eighth, Noah took the hint and stopped trying to make small talk. His stance shifted, ready to assist if needed. Kaj could feel the warmth radiating from his body. Could hear his steady breathing above him. It was distracting in the worst possible way.
Grunting, Kaj pushed up one last time. His neck strained, and so did his shoulders and abdomen. Just when his arms were about to fail him, Noah grabbed the bar and helped him set it back on the rack.
“Not bad,” Noah said, walking around the bench to stand beside Kaj as he sat up. “What’s next?”
“Lat pulldown.” Kaj wiped his face with a towel, realizing then what that question meant. “You seriously gonna follow me around all the time?”
“Can you quit being a jerk? Nobody else is here. Quid pro quo .”
“You want me to help you now?” Kaj scoffed before taking a swig of water.
“So nice of you to offer. Thanks.” Noah took off his hoodie and walked toward the four-stack cable machine.
As they were adjusting the weight of their respective equipment, Noah’s brows furrowed. He shoved his hand into the pocket of his sweats and pulled out his phone. He seemed a little checked out as he read whatever he’d received, but it wasn’t Kaj’s business, so he looked away and started pulling the bar down to his chin.
As soon as Noah pocketed his device, without saying anything else, he reached for the tricep rope and started his routine. Each of them was in their own little world, doing their thing in company but in silence, which Kaj found to be a blessing, until Noah opened his mouth again.
“Can I ask you something?”
Kaj sighed dramatically. “Yeah.”
“It’s just… Fans are going a bit crazy, which is cool, not complaining, but—” Noah twisted his mouth.
“But?”
“Not everything is good.”
“Welcome to fame, rockstar,” Kaj said, returning the bar to the starting position. “The higher you climb, the more people will want to see you fall.”
“I know.”
“Just gotta learn how to take the criticism. It’s gonna happen a lot .”
Noah scoffed. “I’d say it’s more than a little criticism .”
“Haters are gonna hate, dude.” Kaj pulled the bar down again.
“I’m not new to keyboard warriors.” Noah huffed as he pulled the rope down, his triceps bulking with the effort. “I’m talking about personal attacks.”
With a twinge of sympathy he didn’t want to feel, as Kaj finished his third set of repetitions, he wiped his hands with the towel and outstretched one toward Noah. “Show me.”
The vocalist hesitated for a second, but he ended up complying.
Kaj scrolled through the sea of spam messages. Most were praise and other gibberish, but a few were concerning. Amongst those that said things like “you’re not as great as you think you are”, “go back to your country”, “fucking slitty eyes”, or “you’re ruining the band’s sound”, there were threats to his persona and his cats?
“Do you have cats?” Kaj asked Noah.
“Two. Yeah.”
Fuck.
“But everyone who follows my channel probably knows that,” Noah rushed to add. “They sometimes join me when I’m filming.”
“Oh, okay…” Kaj relaxed, remembering there were one or two cats in a bunch of the videos he’d watched months ago. “I still don’t like the message that says ‘Watch your back next time you come home alone.’ Tell Niels.”
Noah chuckled bitterly. “I wasn’t sure if I was being too paranoid and this was normal or what.”
“Definitely the norm, but that doesn’t mean Niels shouldn’t monitor it. Gotta get used to security being a priority over privacy from now on.” Kaj handed Noah’s phone back, intending to go back to his workout.
“How do you deal with this shit?” Noah huffed, looking frustrated. “I already got a lot of messages before, but this is overwhelming.”
“No one is completely impervious to this type of abuse. You’ll be like fuck it one day and delete every social media app on your phone, then reinstall them two weeks later. You’ll keep reading comments from time to time and fixate on the negative ones. It happens to everyone, no matter how long you’ve been doing this. We’re human, after all. But you need to flip the switch; ignore and delete everything that comes through your DMs. That’s the only way to avoid getting caught up in it.” Grabbing his bottle of water, Kaj took a sip. “Or, like Niels probably already told you, you should hire a personal assistant; among other things, so that ours don’t have to deal with your stuff, too.” Of course Kaj had to throw that punch out there.
Noah looked up at the ceiling and let out a sigh. “I had a lot going on before coming on tour and didn’t have time to check the candidates Niels suggested. Sorry about that.”
“No need to apologize to me. Besides, they’re getting paid extra for it. But just saying.”
“What does Hilde do for you, other than making sure your stage clothes are ready and you have everything you need during tours?”
“She also helps me with my personal agenda and handles my email and socials.”
Noah averted his eyes and crossed his arms over his chest. “I have never gotten that amount of hate because of what I do or how I look. Not since fucking school.”
That statement made Kaj flinch as memories of how they’d met flooded his mind. He would never forget how those kids were using some disgusting racist and homophobic slur while kicking Noah as he lay on the ground. It was totally unfair—three to one—more so since Noah had been such a sweet, non-confrontational boy back then. The same vulnerable, kind soul he was seeing in those dark eyes now.
Not everyone’s like those entitled assholes in our hometown, but a small town like that sure is a breeding field for narrow minds.
Kaj sighed. “Things are tense now with Emil’s departure. That’s probably part of the reason some people are enraged. But it’ll pass.” He waited until Noah was looking at him again. “As crude as it sounds, we’ve all been called worthless pieces of shit and been told to kill ourselves throughout the years more times than I care to admit, but time helps you grow a thicker skin.”
Kaj surprised himself at how easily the words flowed out of his mouth, especially since they were an attempt to comfort Noah. Maybe the coffee he’d had before coming to the gym had some tasteless sugar in it, and he was high.
“I guess you’re right…”
“I am.” Kaj exhaled heavily, flinging his leg over the bench to face Noah. “Aksel once had an ex flooding his notifications with the most vile shit you can imagine, both private and public. It got so bad he was afraid to even check his phone. And Xander, well, he experienced cyberbullying concerning his appearance in the early days of the band. I don’t know how anyone dared to do that, honestly. Chubby or beefy, he could slap you and rip your head off in the process.”
“And you had that creep Niels told me about,” Noah concluded.
“Yeah. And you know what all of them have in common? They’re miserable and malicious. Well-adjusted, happy people don’t spend their time trying to ruin your life. Those hateful comments and shady behaviors say more about them than they say about us.”
“That’s... surprisingly insightful,” Noah said. “Thanks. I appreciate you sharing that.”
Kaj cleared his throat and straddled the bench again. “Don’t go spreading it around. I got a reputation to maintain.”
Noah chuckled, some of the tension easing from his shoulders. “Don’t worry, Larsen. I won’t let anyone know you’re actually capable of human emotion.”
“Fuck off,” Kaj bit back, unable to hide the faint smile that tugged at the corner of his mouth.
As they both resumed their workout, the rhythmic clanking of weights and soft grunts escaping them filled the air. With less focus on the talking and more on the training, they assisted each other throughout the rest of the session. Despite the silence, the atmosphere surrounding them felt slightly different. The awkwardness and nuisance had disappeared, leaving behind a fragile truce made of unspoken understanding.