Ten
It had been ten days since they’d landed in Toronto. After the gig here in Vancouver, Artificial Suicide only had a couple of interviews, which meant the entire crew finally had some real time to relax.
Leaning back on the wooden bench, Kaj flicked the ash off his cig and brought it to his mouth again as he looked into the distance. The backyard of this hotel was so silent at this hour, it felt like a bubble of peace in a parallel dimension. Goosebumps spattered his arms and back under his coat when a soft breeze swirled. The air was cool and biting with sharp crispness, but there was something calming about it.
Kaj loved Canada. He would stay here for another couple of weeks if it were up to him, but he was ready to move on. The faster they went to the next country, the faster they’d go back home. He wasn’t going to get rid of Noah, but at least he’d stop having to see him every day. It was excruciating. More so since he’d joined him at the gym a couple more times.
There was lust and hatred. A sense of longing and vexation. Kaj’s skin felt uncomfortable when thoughts about the things he wanted to do to Noah flooded his mind, but he didn’t act on it. It itched and burned, and it was driving him fucking insane. Some days he woke up thinking, fuck it . Then he saw Noah at the table with everyone, having breakfast, talking, enjoying himself, thriving, and a deep chasm opened in the ground between them.
Noah was oblivious to what had happened to Kaj, but for the drummer, looking at him was like staring at himself in a mirror of time. The yearning to be in Noah’s arms scraped his bones. It’d always been so quiet when they were tangled around each other, but every time they’d been together, Kaj could also feel the wounds in his soul bleeding all over again. He could feel the cuts on his wrists and thighs, the knife Noah put through his heart when he let him go without a fight, the pain of being misunderstood, Jesper’s hands on him… That conflict sent him reeling.
Kaj didn’t know how to cope with such an emotional disparity, and every time it arose in his mind, all he wanted to do was hide behind the illusion of happiness that drugs provided. But he was trying to recover, for real this time. He was trying to be a better person and not stumble upon the same mistakes over and over again.
If Kaj were different, they might be able to pull off that no-strings-attached type of shit. It was just sex. They didn’t need to like each other as people. He’d done it before. Fuck and chuck. No names. No phone number exchange. Just pure debauchery. But everything related to Noah automatically became an obsession for Kaj, and he was done with falling into that trap. He was done with stalking him online, with getting angry when he didn’t immediately reply to his texts, with counting the minutes until he could see him and ditching his friends to do so, with letting his primal desires steer his decisions, with feeling empty and not being able to eat for days after watching him with another man—like that Zach dude, who was still friends with Mads.
They had their moment when they were teens. They’d loved each other, experimented, grew up, and learned what it meant to fully trust someone. But that fairytale was over. Now they were just broken pieces that didn’t fit together, a soiled reverie of what they could’ve been.
Sucking in a deep breath, Kaj put his cig out against the sole of his boot and walked back inside, leaving the stub on the floor ashtray at the door. It was time to sleep, or try to. The flight to New York wasn’t first thing in the morning, but with all the crap they carried everywhere, it would take a while to get ready.
As Kaj entered his room, he took off his boots and coat, then went straight to brush his teeth.
Tucking himself in bed was so soothing he couldn’t help the sigh that escaped him, but the voices in the next room—Noah’s room—redirected his attention. Kaj froze, holding his breath as his ears perked up. The conversation was slightly muffled, but the walls were so thin he could hear the whole thing.
“I just... I don’t know, man. It feels wrong, you know?” Noah’s voice was low, tinged with frustration.
“What does?” That was Aksel.
“Being here, playing shows, and having fun while she’s…”
“Noah, come on. You can’t beat yourself up like this,” Aksel said, his voice gentle. “I get it. Being away while they might need our help sucks big time, but what do you think your mom would say if she heard you talking like this?”
Kaj frowned. They’re talking about Trine? What the hell?
“She’d tell me to put on my big girl panties and shove me out the door.”
Aksel chuckled. “Exactly.”
“But what if something happens? She’s been there for me through everything, and now, when she needs me the most, I’m gallivanting across the fucking world.”
“That’s not fair, you’re not gallivanting . You’re working, building a career and a future for yourself. Fuck, you even admitted to me you only accepted to join the band so you could cover their expenses while Sigrid’s fully focusing on taking care of your mom.”
Kaj’s stomach twisted as his whole body stiffened. They were talking about Trine and this other woman he knew nothing about like Aksel had actually met them.
Kaj clenched and unclenched his hands. Why was he angry? He was the one who wanted to stay as far away as possible from Noah.
“Still… I feel so helpless, you know?”
“And you think that stopping your own life and being miserable would make hers better?”
“I know you’re right. It’s just—”
“She’s got the best doctors, and it’s not like she’s alone. She’s got a horde of dogs, cats, and Sigrid,” Aksel continued. “You’re doing exactly what she wants you to do—living your dream.”
“Does she really, though?” Noah’s voice cracked. It sounded almost like the three of them were sitting together, which meant Noah’s bed was probably close to the wall, too, placed symmetrically in the adjoined room. “She just went through surgery two months ago, chemo and radiation now. Even if she tries to put on a brave face when we video chat, I know her. She’s feeling like absolute shit. And where am I? In some fancy hotel room, living it up.”
The words hung in the air like a dark cloud. Surgery? Chemo and radiation? Trine has cancer?
Kaj’s heart skidded.
“Stop it,” Aksel said firmly. “None of this is your fault, and there is nothing you can do to help her. Besides, the doctors said the cancer is in remission now, right?”
“Yeah…”
“Focus on that, and not that voice that makes you think everything will go wrong. From the little time I’ve known your mom, I can tell she’s tough as nails. She won’t let this shit disease win. Just keep doing what you’re doing—give your best on stage, make her proud, and keep fucking living. And when the tour’s over, you’ll be right back at her side.”
There was a long pause.
“Thanks,” Noah finally said. “I needed to hear that.”
“Anytime.” Kaj could hear the smile in Aksel’s voice. “That’s what friends are for. Now try to get some sleep, yeah?”
“Yeah. Goodnight. And thanks again.”
“No worries. Night, man.”
There was some shuffling, then the sound of a door closing.
Kaj’s thoughts swirled as he stared at the ceiling. Trine has cancer . That made him see Noah’s occasional distant looks and the days he was late for rehearsal because he was helping his mom differently now.
Fuck.
Memories of her flooded his mind. Trine had always been more than just Noah’s mom or Kaj’s dad’s best friend—she was a beacon of hope.
Kaj closed his eyes, recalling countless afternoons spent at Noah’s house, Trine’s laughter echoing through the rooms as she teased them. How her and dad’s faces beamed with pride during their first gig at a dingy bar. Their unconditional acceptance when Noah and Kaj gathered the courage to come out to them—though technically, they were caught. Their words that day felt like a balm, helping him navigate the terrifying waters of self-discovery.
Along with Nik, Trine had been Kaj’s biggest cheerleader, always there with advice or a shoulder to cry on when things got tough.
A lump formed in his throat as the incoherent array of images of one of the worst moments in his life faded in the back of his mind. Nik had just passed away, and Kaj was a mess of anger, lashing out at everyone around him.
One night, not long after his father’s funeral, Kaj showed up at the S?rensen’s house, soaked to the bone from the rain. He expected Noah to look out the window and come down to let him in like he always did. Instead, it was Trine who opened the door. She took one look at him and engulfed him in a hug, not caring that he was dripping all over her floor. Closing Noah’s bedroom door to let him sleep through the fever kicking his ass, Trine made Kaj change into his boyfriend’s dry clothes, wrapped him in a blanket, and sat with him on the couch as the storm raged on.
“It’s okay to not be okay.” Her voice was soft but steady. “Grief isn’t a straight line, Kaj. It’s painful and unpredictable, but you’re strong, and we’ll be here every step of the way.”
It was the first time he felt truly safe since he’d lost his dad.
Although it had always felt like a second home, from that day forward, that house became his refuge. The place he ran to when things got too ugly with his stepmom’s drinking. The place where he hid from his demons after Jesper raped him, or when the monster himself came by for a weekend. Kaj found himself on that doorstep time and time again, seeking the warmth Noah and Trine always provided.
Even when Kaj and Noah fell apart, Trine had remained in his life. While he was trying to get a grip of himself and move forward, she was the light guiding him through the tortuous road of an utterly lonely new beginning. He was actually the one who cut her out of his life months after he emancipated. Guilt and shame plunged so deep into his soul, he couldn’t even read the encouraging notes she’d sent along with care packages.
Kaj’s chest tightened.
The woman who had always been invincible in her kindness and strength was now battling cancer.
He wanted to rage against the unfairness of it all. Instead, he found himself praying to a God he didn’t believe in.
As sleep finally claimed him, Kaj’s last thought was of Trine’s laugh—warm, rich, and full of life. It echoed in his mind like a comforting lullaby. His eyes fluttered closed, and he drifted off into a dream where the world made sense, and love didn’t hurt so much.
But happiness never lasted long. Not for him.
“What are you doing here?” Kaj barked when he entered his bedroom and saw Katja sitting at his desk with his laptop open. “You’re spying on me now?”
She got up and smoothed out her orange dress.
That’s strange. She hates that color.
“Since you won’t talk to me and you spend so much time here—”
“And that gives you the right to go through my stuff?”
“No, but I’m glad I did.” She frowned. “I’m worried.”
“You don’t get to act like a caring mother now.” Kaj stepped to the side and dropped his bag on the floor. “You’ve been ignoring me for months.”
“I’m concerned about you, but you won’t let me in. And this—what I read in that anonymous forum… You have a problem.”
Kaj’s blood froze in his veins, but he was an injured, cornered animal right now, so he did the only thing the voice in his head was screaming to do—strike back. “ I have a problem?” He raised his voice.
“Spreading those kinds of lies to some internet strangers—”
“They’re not fucking lies!”
Kaj had been so disoriented and confused after his stepbrother had raped him, he couldn’t even acknowledge what had happened at first. And when he did, he convinced himself that it wouldn’t impact his life. But it did.
It had been a month, and he still didn’t know what to do with himself. He lived on a seesaw of emotions that made everyday tasks feel monumental, and crying himself to sleep wasn’t enough anymore. He needed an outlet for the pressure in his lungs. And as stupid as it might have seemed, talking to those people who knew nothing about him, but who had experienced the same, helped somehow. But now, that too—his privacy—had been violated.
“You know your precious little son likes guys too, right?” Kaj blurted.
Kaj wanted to say it, tell her what had happened, but the words stuck to his tongue. Cold sweat broke on his skin as his heart pounded violently. A force within pulled him back, then pushed forward.
Everything about this moment felt utterly familiar, as if he’d lived it before.
Is it déjà vu? Or am I trapped in another weird dream? She looks exactly like she did fifteen years ago, but that’s impossible.
Looking down at his hands, Kaj realized there were no calluses on his palms that were, in fact, too small for an adult.
What the fuck?
“What does that have to do with anything?” Katja blurted like it was all fine, but her demeanor had stiffened.
“He’s a piece of shit,” Kaj deadpanned.
Katja pinched the bridge of her nose and sighed as she walked past Kaj. “Look, it’s been a long day and I’m tired. When you’re ready to talk like an adult and not like a child throwing a tantrum, I’ll be downstairs.”
“Tired? You don’t even work.”
“Watch your tone.”
“Since my dad died, all you do is hang out with your friends, drink, and live off his inheritance like it’s endless.”
Katja turned around, hands on her hips. “Who do you think you’re talking to? I’m your mother. You owe me some respect.”
“You’re not my mother.”
“Your father would be so ashamed of you right now.”
“He would be pissed at you for letting your son get away with everything.”
“Stop bringing Jesper into this! You’re just angry and wanna fight, like always.”
“I’m sick of the way you excuse everything he does like he’s some goddamn angel. He’s a drunk driver and a fucking rapist!” Kaj shouted.
Katja screeched. “There’s no way he did the things you say he did!”
“Kaj,” someone called.
“You fucking read everything and still deny it?” Kaj pointed at his laptop screen, heart beating so hard it felt like it would rip his chest open. “Why would I say something like that if it weren’t true? Do you really think I’m that twisted?”
“You’re so desperate for attention you lie, skip classes, shoplift—”
“It was just one time!”
“You’ve been misbehaving since your dad left us. This is just one more of your erratic behaviors.”
“That’s not—”
“You got drunk, had sex, and then felt guilty for cheating on your boyfriend, so you decided to accuse him of the worst. Do you even remember what really happened?”
Bile crept up Kaj’s throat. “I don’t remember everything, but—”
“Kaj.”
“I’ve never said anything about the way you two are touching each other all the time. Thought it was a fraternal thing. But this ends here. You shouldn’t look at each other that way. You’re brothers, for the love of God!” Katja said, gesturing with her hands. “I’ll talk to him, but you also need to stop walking around half-naked when he’s here.”
“You’re blaming me?”
“I’m saying we all need to do our part. Have you told this to anyone else?”
“No.” Kaj frowned at the random question. He had considered telling Trine—the online strangers suggested he should. She was the only adult who truly cared about him. But in the end, he chickened out, not ready to be pitied or scolded for how disgusting he was, or the remote, yet possible, rejection.
“Good. I don’t want people thinking badly of Jesper when this is clearly a misunderstanding. He would never hurt you. He adores you. Too much, apparently. Jeez… I raised him better than this.” She rubbed her temples.
“Kaj.”
“Your son is sick and you’re not gonna do anything about it?” Tears crowded his eyes and his stomach spasmed.
“I said I’ll talk to him and set limits so this doesn’t happen again.”
“You should report him to the police! Protect me!” His entire body was shaking with rage and frustration at this point.
“ Kaj.”
“I won’t repeat myself. You better not say another word about this again, ever. Not to your weird friends online or the ones you hang out with, let alone to the police. I don’t want you ruining Jesper’s reputation because you regret what you did.”
“I hope you both die in a horrible way. Fuck you!”
Katja slapped him across the face.
Kaj’s eyes snapped open, and his fist flew to the faceless entity leaning over him as he sat up straight.
“Fuck, Larsen. Wake up!” a man’s voice yelled.
Kaj’s pulse thudded against his eardrums and his breath caught as he blinked, trying to make sense of his surroundings. The room was dim, shadows dancing on unfamiliar walls. The air felt less oppressive than the stifling atmosphere of his childhood room. His fingers clutched at soft sheets over a plush mattress. It wasn’t as firm as his. This wasn’t his bed.
Slowly, the fog in his mind lifted, and details of the room came into sharper focus. A generic landscape painting. The flatscreen TV mounted opposite the bed. Heavy curtains opened, letting in soft light from outside. All things he didn’t recognize, but at the same time, he did.
I’m in a hotel room.
As his breathing steadied, more pieces fell into place. He was twenty-seven now, not sixteen. His gaze then narrowed on a battered duffel bag tucked in the corner. It was adorned with various pins and patches collected over years of touring. Tour. Right. Artificial Suicide. I’m their drummer and we’re on tour .
The realization was both comforting and disorienting.
It was then that Kaj became aware of the presence beside him. He turned his head, and when his eyes finally focused, he saw it; the concern etched across a familiar and gorgeous face he knew quite well. Noah . Of course it was Noah.
“Hey… You with me now?” he asked, a palm hovering over Kaj’s shoulder.
Kaj nodded, still not entirely trusting his voice. He ran a hand through his sweat-dampened hair, grimacing at how clammy his skin felt.
“You scared the shit out of me,” Noah said, perching carefully on the bed. “You were screaming, and I… was worried.” He tilted his head toward the door that connected their rooms. It was wide open. “I tried calling your name, but you wouldn’t wake up.”
Kaj swallowed, still feeling slightly disconnected from reality. “Sorry,” he croaked out. “Bad dream.”
Noah’s frown deepened. “Sounded like more than just a bad dream. You want to talk about it?”
Kaj shook his head, immediately regretting the motion as it made the room spin. “It’s nothing. Old stuff. Doesn’t matter.”
He couldn’t bring himself to tell Noah about how his mind played tricks on him constantly. He didn’t want to talk about Katja. That woman, who was supposed to have taken care of him after he lost his dad, not only neglected him and called him a liar, but forced him to keep his mouth shut about things he still couldn’t admit aloud outside his shrink’s office.
“If you say so…” Noah replied, studying Kaj’s face, clearly unconvinced. Then he stood up. “I know things are… weird between us. But I’m here if you need me, okay?”
Kaj simply nodded, unable to meet his eyes as Noah stood there, shifting his weight from one foot to the other.
Silence stretched in the space separating them, heavy with uncertainty. Noah’s hand twitched at his side, as if he wanted to reach out again, but thought better of it. With a sigh, Noah turned and headed for the door.
Kaj’s gaze followed him as he walked away, watching how the dim light silhouetted his frame in nothing but his boxer briefs. His chest tightened with every step Noah took. The penumbra in the room elongated menacingly as remnants of the nightmare clung to him like cobwebs, coiling around his rib cage and digging into his flesh. He was suffocating.
As Noah touched the doorknob, panic surged through Kaj. Logically, he knew there were no monsters hidden in the shadows, but his brain was keen on filling the holes loneliness carved in his heart by evoking a fear response.
“Wait.” Vulnerability severed Kaj’s pride as words tumbled from his lips. “C-can you... can you stay?”
Noah froze, his back still to the drummer. For a heartbeat that felt like an eternity, he didn’t move. Then, slowly, he turned around.
“Are you sure?”
Kaj shifted over in the bed, making room for him. “Just to sleep.”
He could practically hear Noah’s hesitation as he stood by the door for a few moments before closing it and padding across the floor.
Without a word, Noah slipped under the covers, leaving a respectful distance between them. Kaj could feel the warmth radiating from his body grazing his back—achingly close, yet frustratingly distant. Torn between the tendrils of his nightmare and the surreal reality of having Noah in his bed like this, he didn’t dare to move.
They stayed like that, silently motionless, for minutes, maybe hours. Kaj wasn’t sure. The only thing he knew was that it was uncomfortable.
“I overheard your conversation with Aksel earlier,” he blurted out of nowhere in a lame attempt at scratching the uneasiness meandering down his spine. “About your mom.”
Noah stiffened behind him. He didn’t speak right away, as if he were debating between telling him to fuck off or opening up. “She’s okay,” he finally said. “As okay as she can be.”
“I had no idea she was sick.”
“I haven’t told anyone other than Aksel, and only because he went through the same shit with Dahlia. Xander knows because, well, he reads people like open books.”
“I’m sorry.”
Noah let out a bitter chuckle. “It’s not like it’s your fault.”
“How long...?” Kaj asked.
“A little over a year. It was in remission, but it returned four months ago,” Noah said, his voice barely above a whisper. “She’s been through surgery already, and now she’s doing chemo and radiation again.”
Kaj’s chest tightened.
“Some days are better than others,” Noah continued. “But at least she hasn’t lost her obnoxious sense of humor. She’s already lost her hair, which was hard for her at first, but now she jokes about saving money on shampoo.”
The ghost of a smile tugged at Kaj’s lips, imagining Trine’s mischievous grin in the face of adversity.
“The doctors say the prognosis is good,” Noah added, his words sounding rehearsed, as if he’d said them a thousand times before, more to convince himself than anything else. “But it’s a long road ahead.”
Kaj didn’t know what to say as flashes of better times passed through his eyes. Trine was the only motherly figure he’d had before Mads and his grandma came into the picture. She had always been so strong, funny, and caring.
He turned around to face Noah. It was dark, but not so much that he couldn’t discern the shape of his face, his plump lips, and the twinkle of those somber black eyes under the faint light seeping through the window. Kaj wanted to offer some kind of comfort, but he didn’t know how to without breaching the boundaries he himself had set, so he tucked both hands under the pillow.
“Are you going to kiss me now?” Noah asked sardonically.
Kaj rolled his eyes. Way to kill the moment. “No. I just sleep better on this side.”
Noah’s soft laughter eased into a yawn. “We should try to get some sleep, yeah,” he said. “Or we’ll be dead tomorrow.”
Kaj nodded and closed his eyes, hyperaware of Noah’s body just a few inches away. His warmth wrapping around him made him feel like he was hanging by a thread, swaying in the void between the past and the present, between what he hated and what he craved.
Unable to stand the sensation gnawing at him, Kaj rolled onto his other side again and tried to quiet his thoughts. He focused on his breathing, on the cadence of his pulse, on the distant humming of the city outside this room. Anything but the man lying practically naked in bed with him.
The darkness behind his eyelids deepened as exhaustion crept in. His limbs felt heavy and so did his mind. He was already floating on the edge of unconsciousness when Noah draped an arm over his waist and pulled him closer.
Kaj tensed, unsure how to react as heat bloomed where their bodies touched. His heart thrashed against his ribs. Noah’s steady breath brushing across the nape of his neck didn’t help. A part of Kaj was desperate to pull away while the other clawed at the haven this man was.
As the comforting, familiar scent surrounding him and the gentle rhythm of Noah’s breathing lulled Kaj, the tension slowly drained from his body. Just before sleep claimed him, Kaj allowed himself a moment of honesty—here in his arms, he felt safe .