Eleven
A timid light shimmered in the pit of Kaj’s consciousness. It was faint, but it was warm, encapsulating him like a silky cocoon. It smelled of leather, pine trees, and dew dripping from the blades of grass at dawn. A weight he couldn’t recognize comfortably wrapped around his waist as something hard pressed against the back of his thigh.
Kaj startled awake and panic flared in his chest when he gasped for air. He was trying to move, but however alert his mind was, his body didn’t respond.
Am I trapped in another fucking nightmare?
“Do you always wake up before the alarm goes off?” a rough, groggy voice asked from behind.
Kaj froze. It sounded awfully familiar, but he couldn’t pinpoint who it belonged to, which only made the dreadful sensation clawing at his heart grow.
I didn’t drink or anything last night. Why can’t I fucking remember?
With limbs still refusing to listen to his brain commands, he rummaged through his memory, but nothing came up. It was a white page.
Whoever the fuck was behind him nuzzled his neck, sending chills down his spine. But as their hand moved from his abdomen and brushed over his morning wood, Kaj stood up like he had a spring under his ass.
“Jesus,” Noah protested, pulling the duvet over his shoulders without opening his eyes. “So fucking cold.”
Kaj glared at him for the second it took for everything to fall into place.
The nightmare, right. I asked him to stay .
But also, what the fuck?
“You’re being creepy,” Noah said, half-opening an eye. “Are you gonna stare at me all day or are you gonna do something?”
“What?”
“I don’t know. Go pee, take a shower… jerk me off?” A smirk tugged the corner of Noah’s mouth. That. Sinful. Mouth.
“Yes.” Kaj nodded, pointing to the en-suite, as if trying to get his stupid body to function. “Shower.”
“Pity.” Noah buried himself, the covers reaching above his nose.
Shaking his head, Kaj snapped into himself and strode toward the bathroom.
He was not a morning person. Some people were fresh as lettuce the moment they pried their eyes open, but not him. Like the caffeine-based lifeform that he was, he needed at least an hour and coffee before he could form cohesive thoughts.
After peeing, Kaj stepped into the shower. The tray was cold under his feet, contrasting with the temperature of the water as he turned on the tap.
Steam soon filled the air, and his mind started to clear. There was a lingering unease from the way he’d woken up. Although his brain wasn’t projecting any particular imagery, it still felt threatened.
Kaj hated the state of constant vigilance he lived in, and how, when he let his guard down for a second, the sensation of being in the wide open and unprotected crept in, leaving him completely defenseless. His survival instinct was trash in those situations.
Kaj took a deep breath and leaned his forehead against the cold tiled wall, grounding himself in the present. He was in his hotel room, safe from the ghosts that lurked in the shadows. There was nothing to fear. Inhale… exhale…
Slowly, he relaxed, and his mind veered toward a very different type of thought—Noah’s arm around him, the warmth his body radiated, the steady rhythm of his breathing...
Kaj’s heart ached for Trine after hearing of her cancer diagnosis last night, and still nothing had disturbed his sleep. It pissed him off to admit it, but he had no doubt Noah was the one to blame for that. It was like, if that man was around, he could let go and actually rest. Like something in Kaj recognized him as a safe place, which was bullshit.
Grabbing the hotel soap, Kaj lathered his body. They had a flight to catch in a few hours, and they still needed to load their gear in the truck that would drive them to the airport, but as his hands glided over his skin, his mind circled back to Noah. In the lulls between their training sessions and concerts, Kaj had been sarcastic and rude toward him. Yet the moment he needed something from him, Noah complied without protest.
He surely wasn’t the innocent guy Kaj used to know. There was a dominant air to him that wasn’t there before. Or maybe there had been, and Kaj hadn’t seen it. But fuck if he didn’t love the idea of bending all that strong-willed power into a mess of tremors and moans.
However, the foundation of who Noah was hadn’t changed at all—honest, caring, protective. It was something Kaj had used to his advantage several times in the past, and honestly, seeing how it helped him keep his shit together last night, he wasn’t planning to stop. He only had to figure out how to get Noah to do what he wanted without getting entangled in emotions he didn’t know how to control, and, most importantly, didn’t want to deal with.
Did that make him an asshole? Probably. Manipulative? Absolutely. Did he care? Nope. He just wanted to keep moving forward and leave the helpless kid he once had been behind.
Kaj’s hands moved lower on his torso, soap sliding down his abs as a clear image of Noah bloomed in his mind. He’d always been impressive, but aging had added a layer of confidence that made him irresistible, and fucking dangerous. From his addictive energy to his annoyingly handsome face to his body, he seemed to have been designed to be admired and ruin people’s lives.
Kaj methodically scrubbed his balls, giving them a gentle squeeze when his semi-hard cock throbbed.
He’d been with countless people in the past, but no one had ever stirred the things Noah did. There was a magnetic pull when he looked at him that Kaj couldn’t ignore, especially when he was practically naked—in his bed.
His broad shoulders and those narrow hips did something to Kaj. Not to mention Noah’s pecs, taut and chiseled, but not excessively bulky. He didn’t have a shredded six-pack, but his abdomen was strong, with subtle definition and a delicious V cut that led to the most beautiful appendage Kaj had ever played with. Seriously, though—six thick inches of fucking perfection that made Kaj grunt and shiver out of pure satisfaction every time he’d seen it. Uncut, slightly curved upward, pink, and so damn smooth.
Fuck .
Kaj was fully erect, shamefully and unabashedly thrusting into his fist while Noah was in his bed, or maybe he’d already left. What would happen if he knew what Kaj was doing? Would it make him hard, too?
Kaj’s dick thickened even more.
He should have invited Noah in and fucked his pretty mouth, but the little masochist goblin inside Kaj didn’t allow him to think until after he was at it. Wouldn’t have been a smart move, anyway. If he wanted to set boundaries, he needed to be in a calm state of mind, which, obviously, he wasn’t right now.
His breathing turned ragged as he continued his imaginary quest over Noah’s body. His eyes. His arms. His hands. His legs. Though, his favorite part was his ass. That mass of toned, round muscle… Projected and perfectly contoured, narrower at the sides with obscenely erotic lateral depressions.
Kaj groaned, bracing himself with a palm on the wall as he jerked himself faster, adding a little twist of the wrist at the end. His world shrunk to the coiling pressure in his balls, the slick slide of his hand, and the phantom sensation of Noah’s tight hole stretching to accommodate him.
A strangled moan ripped from Kaj’s throat as he painted the tiles with spurts of semen. His entire body shuddered through an orgasm that made the room spin. He was dizzy, but nowhere near sated.
With his heart palpitating against his eardrums and a rueful chuckle, Kaj sagged against the wall, panting.
Once he’d caught his breath, he rinsed off and stepped out of the shower. Kaj dried himself a little with a towel, rolling it around his hips before walking out of the en-suite. He was more relaxed now, ready to start the day and face Noah without wanting to fuck him into next Sunday, but the scene he found in the bedroom sent him to square one.
What the actual fuck? Kaj swallowed hard.
“I’m all about respecting your limits, but next time you do that ”—Noah tipped his head back, pointing to the bathroom—“with me in the next room, don’t expect me to sit and wait like a good boy.” He tucked his spent dick into his trunks and got up, fingertips gliding over the jizz splattered on his abdomen. “You want this as much as I do.” Kaj’s senses went into overdrive as Noah rubbed his index and middle fingers over his mouth. “Just say the fucking word and put us both out of this misery.”
And like that, Noah disappeared behind the door connecting their rooms, leaving Kaj disarmed and horny as he licked the cum on his lips.
First USA concert: Done.
Right after getting off the stage, one after the other, the four musicians had gone to the bathroom—a two-hour set was a fucking long time to hold it. They’d helped the roadies finish loading the truck, and later, while getting rehydrated, they’d hung out with the whole crew, falling into a relaxed conversation that mostly revolved around their impressions of the venue, the audience, the crazy mosh pit, etc.
And here they were now, almost two hours later, in this big-ass catering area, a space where industrial and grunge aesthetics blended.
The teams of both Artificial Suicide and Dreadful, the opening act, gathered around a long table with some succulent catering settled in the middle. Everyone was enjoying their night. Everyone except Kaj.
It wasn’t that he didn’t like engaging with other bands, especially when they were so talented and as passionate as Kaj was about music. He was currently sitting on a tufted military-green couch with Xander, Phoenix—the other drummer in the room—and his keyboardist. A couple of techs were sprawled on the black leather armchairs flanking the sofa as they all chatted away. Only, Kaj wasn’t part of the conversation anymore. His eyes were now fixated on Noah and this guy, Jorge .
Even if Kaj had read all the names of the other band’s members on their tour program a few days before—he didn’t like coming off as an entitled, arrogant prick—he was awful at remembering them when he met so many people at once. Didn’t even remember what the bassist and guitarist were called. Something with D and M, or P and N. Whatever. But the vocalist? As soon as Jorge had seen Noah, he’d jumped on him, giving him a big hug. You bet Kaj memorized that name.
Look, he had nothing against people being overly friendly with one another—different strokes for different folks—but the way they so easily got engrossed in their own little world, talking nerdy vocalist shit and cracking jokes, made Kaj’s blood boil. He didn’t care that the blond man talking with them seemed to be Jorge’s partner, judging by the way they looked at each other and held hands. Noah was rarely ever so comfortable, chatty, and fucking smiley with people he didn’t know. Wait…
Maybe they know each other from before? Maybe from his time in the UK?
Kaj knew nothing about this dude’s personal life. He could have lived there, too. For all he knew, Noah could have traveled to the US before and met him here.
Why do you care?
A cold chill ran up Kaj’s spine. That annoying voice in his head didn’t tame his uneasiness. On the contrary, the room’s dark walls and high ceiling seemed to close in around him, increasing the pressure in his chest. And then he felt it; the bitter taste at the tip of his tongue, the rope tugging violently at his heart, the tingles on his hands... Jealousy .
In the most casual tone he could manage, Kaj got up and said, “I’m gonna go for a smoke.” The last resort before he crawled out of his mind and punched someone in the face was isolating himself with his favorite poison—the only one he was still allowed to use.
Kaj zipped up his leather jacket and exited the venue through the back door. Thank fuck this area of the parking lot was solely for tour buses and was guarded by their gorilla-like security guys so the horde of thirsty fans couldn’t get in. He needed silence.
Frustrated, Kaj pulled out his packet of tobacco and lit a cig. How long is this going to last?
He didn’t want a relationship with Noah, yet he couldn’t help the manic obsession that grew with each passing day nor the possessiveness that overtook every time he saw him enjoying the company of another man. It wasn’t that he considered himself less than those men who got too close to him for Kaj’s liking—didn’t even know them enough to make a fair comparison. So, it had to be the narcissistic part of him yearning for the sense of power and pleasure that always came when you had someone’s undivided attention. It was such a high… and he hated that Noah’s gaze hadn’t been on him for more than a second tonight. More so after the event in the morning.
Kaj was halfway through a cig, lost in this tumultuous train of thoughts, when the door opened and closed beside him.
“Hey.” Val tipped his head. “You good?”
“Mm-hmm.”
“Okay.” Val leaned back on the wall, mirroring Kaj’s position. “So, you storming out like that was just because you wanted to smoke?”
“I didn’t storm out.” He didn’t, for real.
Val chuckled.
“What?” Kaj snapped.
Sighing as he looked back at Kaj, Val said, “You didn’t storm out, fine, but we’ve been friends since kindergarten, dude. I know how to read all the little tells of your non-verbal language.”
“Never intended to be the mysterious type of guy.”
“Are you two fucking?”
Kaj coughed as he was taking a drag from his cig. “Where did that come from?”
“I haven’t been around you and Noah together a lot for the past few months, but during the video filming session I got the impression something was going on, and the days we’ve been traveling have confirmed my suspicions.”
“Whatever witchy powers you think you have aren’t working. We’re not fucking.”
“But you want to. Am I right?” Val flashed Kaj a mischievous grin that made him want to rip his face into such little pieces he’d end up with face confetti.
“No,” Kaj grunted, looking ahead as he took a long drag of his almost dead cig. Maybe if he inhaled too much nicotine in one go, he’d get dizzy enough to stop listening to his friend.
“Who are you trying to convince?”
“No one.”
“Come on, man. Admit it, you’ll feel much better. You were jealous just now.”
“Why would I be?” Kaj glanced at Val for a moment before going back to staring into nothingness. “He can do whatever and whomever he wants. I don’t care.”
“They’re just friends, you know? Been following each other’s channels for a while.”
“Good for them.”
“If you want my opinion—”
“I don’t.”
Val rolled his eyes and ignored him. “I think you and Noah are the same idiots you were a decade ago. Neither of you would admit to still having feelings for each other, yet the way you were so relaxed and chirpy after your encounters made it so obvious.”
“You’re asking to be hit.”
“You’re just wasting precious time. I’ve never seen two people with the same chemistry you two have.” Val paused. “You know, Noah is as sexual as a rock when he’s not interested in someone, but these days he’s got a desperate fuck-me aura that I’ve only seen when you’re around.”
As if someone had yelled his name, Kaj jerked his head toward Val. His heart thumped.
A shit-eating grin stretched Val’s lips. “I knew it.”
Kaj splayed his palm over the side of Val’s skull, Kaj gave it a little push, making his stupid silky blond hair swish. “It’s creepy that you keep tabs on your friend’s sexual needs like that. Maybe you’re the one who wants to fuck him.” He threw the stub on the ground and stepped on it.
“I’m not keeping tabs on anything. I just know both of you,” Val said. “And for the record, he’s not my type. I like them more delicate, prettier .”
Kaj’s brows furrowed.
“And now you’re thinking ‘Noah’s pretty, the fuck is this asshole talking about?’” Val tossed his head back and laughed.
Cupping the back of his neck, Kaj bent Val over, trapped him in a front headlock as he playfully punched his side, only making him laugh harder. “Shut it.”
“You’re so easy to tease!” Val was cackling like a madman at this point. “Noah is handsome, but in a rougher way. So, you see, we have different taste in men. You can keep him all to yourself.”
“Shut up.” Kaj continued punching him, but to anyone who saw the scene, they probably looked more like he was tickling Val.
“I’m just saying,” Val started, shaking with a silent chuckle as he smoothed his frizzy and wild long hair after freeing himself from Kaj’s grip. “It’s been a lifetime since, well… since you cheated and all that.”
Kaj winced at the lie he’d told Val and Theo about the real reason he and Noah had broken up and the reality behind it all.
“If after so many years you’re still hung up—”
“Not even close.”
“Attracted, call it what you want.” Val huffed. “Maybe it’s time you two consider sitting down and talking it out or fucking it out of each other—whatever rocks your boat. Something like what you had… That’s not easy to find, and clearly neither of you ever got over it.” He shrugged, acting nonchalant, but the melancholy flash in his eyes didn’t go unnoticed.
Kaj was about to retort when the door beside them flew open, and some of Artificial Suicide’s crew walked out.
“There you are!” Markus said, looking at Val. “I thought we’d lost you. We’re going to the bus, you coming?”
“Yeah.” Val nodded. “Night, Kaj.”
Since the crew party had to arrive at the next location before the band to set up the stage, rig the equipment, and prepare the venue for the show, their bus call was usually earlier, so they didn’t hang out late most nights.
“Night, night, Larsen,” Frederik echoed.
Watching them walk away, Kaj lit up another cig and stood beside the back exit door. He waited there until both Artificial Suicide and the Dreadful guys came out, and dragged him to a nightclub in the middle of the city, where they’d reserved the VIP lounge.
Despite how comfortable their bunks were—considering—Kaj wasn't looking forward to tuck himself in his. But being in this place with Noah, surrounded by sweaty bodies, alcohol, and blasting music while Val's words swirled in his mind, was making him feel an amalgamation of nervous frissons.
A second chance.
Was that even possible?