Twenty-two
As if someone had pressed a fast-forward button, the world blurred. Kaj couldn’t make out faces. Couldn’t hear anything other than his own pulse and uneven breathing. Distorted, twisting, flickering lights.
He knew this was just another panic attack. But it felt like the end. Death throes crawling up his neck.
Kaj wanted to rip every organ out of his body. Pour lye flakes on each open wound and rot in the darkness the elongated shadows of his past were casting over him.
He hadn’t thought about Jesper in a long time. Not since he last saw him for Katja’s funeral—almost seven years ago. Not consciously. Not so vividly. But reading those words had thrust him straight into this mental paralysis where nothing but those horrid memories existed. It was as if his nightmares had materialized and were taking turns slicing a razor through his skin and muscles until they reached the nerve. Every receptor in his body was contorting, screaming for help into an endless void where no light or sound could escape. He was stranded. Trapped in an infinite loop inside his head.
Wasn’t he supposed to be in jail? Fuck, I should have kept tabs on him. I got too comfortable thinking I was safe.
Has he really been watching me all this time?
Stuck in his own skin, Kaj was slowly drowning. No matter how far he went or how high he climbed, there was nowhere to run.
Shit. I need to get stoned.
The thought struck against the ridges of his brain like thunder as his hands fumbled with the wallet and the fucking… chain… attached to it. Looking around him, he tried to picture where the closest store was so he could get a bottle of whiskey, but his mind was bleary, he couldn’t think straight.
There was a ripping sound as he pulled with angry force. Coins clattered on the pavement along with the chain. Water splashed, and the world swayed as Kaj crouched to pick the wallet and the scattered contents. His hands were shaking, and his heart was beating so fast it felt as though it was going to climb up his throat.
Suddenly, he was pressed down against the mattress, his face forcefully buried into a pillow.
This can’t be happening again.
Kaj was no longer one entity, but thousands of pieces split between two worlds, and he didn’t know which one was real anymore.
And he was cold.
Make it stop!
After years of self-pity and self-inflicted pain, of shame, of looking over his shoulder, of waking in the middle of the night thinking his partner’s arms were his , Kaj had thought he’d finally freed himself of that sinister presence breathing down his neck. But here he was again. Jesper had found him. He’d been watching him, controlling his life from under the shade of the monster that he was.
How could I be so stupid?
They were one and the same, forever connected through this tragic pantomime.
Hugging himself, Kaj blinked away part of the haze. Buildings loomed in the distance. Somewhere in a secluded part of his consciousness, he recognized the view unfolding in front of him, but it felt like he’d walked into a parallel universe. He was lost in a place made of smoke and mirrors, all fogged up by eerie silhouettes and disturbing thoughts. The harder he tried to stay tethered to reality, the faster his demons flayed every cell and fiber in his body.
Kaj stood up to try to steady his breathing that was going haywire as the world got smaller around him. The edges of his vision turned black, and he fell into a tunnel, deeper and deeper, until the pressure was squeezing his lungs like a vise again.
Look at the mess you’ve created.
Golden locks, blue eyes… You're like a dirty little prince.
You wanted it, don’t you dare deny it.
Kaj was just an empty vessel for his deviance.
Nothing had ever hurt so much.
If you tell anyone, I’ll make sure Noah watches the video so he sees for himself how much you truly enjoyed it.
He shouldn’t have flown so close to the sun. He shouldn’t have let his ambitions, greed, and thrill-seeking nature guide his decisions. That way, he wouldn’t have let his guard down and paid the ultimate price. This fall, the excruciating agony… He was the only one to blame for it all. Happiness had never been in the cards for him. Why did he think he even deserved it?
“Kaj!”
He closed his eyes, letting his delusion encapsulate him. Even in his descent to purgatory, he could still hear Noah’s voice. His dream. His hope. His home. But it was better this way, each walking different paths in their own little worlds. Kaj was a wrecking ball and had no intentions of bringing anyone down with him. Especially not Noah.
A drop. Two. Three.
Is it raining?
The world spun in reverse. His vision turned clearer, and Kaj could feel his hands again. He could feel the ground beneath his feet. The river flowed in front of him, the buzz of the city behind turned louder, people were running and… It was pouring.
“Kaj!”
How long have I been here? He asked himself, unable to move from the docks.
“Fucking shit! What the hell are you doing?”
Kaj struggled to focus his eyes as he turned around, but when he did, he saw him. Noah . He was rushing toward him like his life depended on it, hair drenched and all his clothes clinging to his frame like a second skin, like he’d taken a shower fully dressed.
Noah’s body crashed against his as he embraced him, arms tight as if he were afraid Kaj would evaporate. He himself was afraid this wasn’t even real.
“What are you doing here?”
“What am I doing here?” Noah cupped his face with both hands. “ What am I doing here ?” he repeated, his tone getting louder and more strained with every word that left his mouth as he searched Kaj’s eyes. “You scared the shit out of everyone. What the fuck happened in there? Why did you run away like that?”
“Because.” Kaj’s voice sounded distant as he trembled. He wasn’t fully back, but at the same time, he was.
“I’m not joking.”
“Me neither.”
Exhaustion and annoyance turned into a lump in his throat as they stared at each other while rain poured, soaking them to the bone.
Kaj wanted Noah. He wanted him to rip his heart out so he could stop feeling so many things so intensely all at the same time. He wanted to kiss the water dripping from his lips and take all the silent promises he’d made every time he caressed him in the dark. But he couldn’t say that out loud. Not to this man. He was an undetonated landmine, ready to explode the moment he stepped on him. He couldn’t do that to Noah.
“Fuck, babe…” Noah’s thumbs brushed over his jaw as his hands slid to his neck. “I don’t know what it is, but please, stop hiding from this, from us. Stop pushing me away. We both know this isn’t ‘just sex’ anymore. It hasn’t been in a while. Don’t shut me out. Not again, please.”
The world around them scrunched up on the edges, swallowing itself like a black hole at the anguish in Noah’s voice.
Was it really that uncomplicated? Could he just close his eyes and trust Noah would catch him when he fell? Fuck… Although he didn’t feel worthy of Noah—much less while he was feeling that nagging sensation of wanting to drink himself into a coma—this was all Kaj had ever dreamed of. To be with him. To keep him forever, even if that meant he’d spend eternity in hell when he died for being so selfish and daring to touch him.
“Take me home.”
“What?”
“Take me home with you.”
“You’re all shivery…” Noah whispered.
A kiss pressed to Kaj’s shoulder as warm fingers intertwined with his and guided him inside the shower. He remembered getting into a cab after their argument in the rain, and the rest of his bandmates and Niels’s concerned expressions as they drove away, but he had no memory of the trip to Noah’s apartment. It wasn’t like he cared about any of it right now, though.
Amber, vanilla, and burning wood scents swirled in the air as water ran in the background, creating its own melody as it hit the stool Noah had put in there, the tiles, and the glass screen. It was so peaceful Kaj could feel himself fading into the atmosphere.
“Sit.”
Kaj obeyed, his body responding to Noah’s gentle commands while his mind still floated between reality and some sort of spiritual realm. Water beat down on his skin like a thousand needles, but as he tempered to it, the sensation felt more like a caress.
Soon after, Noah’s hands were on him, slick with gel that smelled like him. Each stroke was as deliberate as it was devout, rubbing in slow circular motions across his shoulder blades, lower back, arms, and chest. Without saying a word, Noah went down on one knee and continued with his calves, his thighs, and everything in between.
Under different circumstances, their interaction would have been so much different, but there was nothing sexual about the way Noah was touching him. More than getting sweat and disgusting memories washed away, this felt like he was being worshipped.
Rivulets and foam traced paths down Kaj’s skin, mapping flesh that felt both familiar and foreign. A candle flickered in the corner, casting dancing shadows across the wall. Noah was so beautiful that Kaj wanted to look away and never stop looking at the same time.
His heart skidded.
This place, this moment, was everything he’d ever dreamed of, just them with nothing veiling the reality of who they were. Scars. Fears. Weaknesses. A kaleidoscope of flaws and virtues. Of raw heartbeats and pain. And still, he wouldn’t change it for anything in the world.
Kaj deflated as Noah’s fingers massaged his scalp in this comforting silence. The sensation sent ripples down his spine, undoing the knots that seized his body earlier in the afternoon.
Water cascaded down his shoulders as Noah grabbed the showerhead and rinsed his hair, one hand shielding his forehead. Kaj had his eyes closed, so it wasn’t like he would get soap in them, but the gesture—so small, yet so big—made something crack inside him. Nobody had ever taken care of him like this. Not in years. Not without expecting something in return.
Kaj squeezed his eyes and clenched his jaw, nostrils flaring as he fought back the tears. He was an emotional clusterfuck. Noah was aware of it, but he didn’t need to see another scene like the one from before.
“Okay. You’re done,” Noah said, smoothing a palm down Kaj’s arm. “Let’s get out of here.”
As they stepped out of the shower, goosebumps rose across Kaj’s flesh. His body was messed up, still trying to recover from the extreme physical and mental response he had earlier. Before he could even shudder, though, Noah was already putting a towel over his shoulders. Then he grabbed a smaller one from the rack and motioned for Kaj to sit on the closed toilet lid.
“I’m not a kid, you know. And I’m feeling better already.” Lies . “I can do this myself.”
“Kaj…” Noah’s eyes only reflected pain right now. “Just—let me do this.”
“Fine.”
Kaj surrendered to Noah’s care, letting his head hang forward as gentle hands worked the towel through his hair. To be honest, this felt nice—just existing, knowing that at least here, beside Noah, in his apartment, not even the haunting memories of Jesper could get to him. But, fuck . That asshole had not only made Kaj spiral years ago but had also been mentally torturing Noah from whatever dark corner of the world he’d been hiding in for the past few months.
Kaj swallowed, trying to keep his composure. He needed to get a grip on himself because if not now, tomorrow, Noah was going to want to hear what had happened. And he deserved to know.
When his hair was merely damp instead of dripping, Noah helped Kaj stand. They dressed in silence. Noah put on a pair of short gray sweats and a worn System Of A Down T-shirt Kaj swore was the same he’d gifted him when they were sixteen—it looked huge in the past, but it fit perfectly now. Kaj borrowed some similar clothes that were slightly tighter on him but smelled like Noah, so he had zero complaints.
“Do you wanna eat anything?”
“Not hungry,” Kaj said.
“Drink?”
“Water’s fine.”
“Okay. Get comfy, I’ll get it for you.”
Kaj did as he was told, sinking into the cushions as he plopped down on the teal couch. The fabric was soft and warm from the sun hitting it directly almost the entire day. Looking around, Kaj scanned the place, which he hadn’t truly done the first time he was here.
Noah’s apartment was small but immaculate, decorated mostly in grey and light wood shades that combined nicely with darker accents of color on the furniture. An acoustic guitar was in a corner beside a shelf full of music albums and vinyls. On the left side of the TV, there was another one filled with books, Marvel prints, anime figures, and other geeky stuff—mind you, it all still had a solemn air. The living room opened to a tiny balcony overlooking the street, lights twinkling against the night sky that had fallen while they were in the shower.
How long have I been out? It was barely six when we were finishing the interview.
Rain pattered against the windows, creating a soothing backdrop that counterbalanced the receding storm in Kaj’s mind.
It was so cozy here.
And warm.
But it was not safe. Not while Jesper was out there.
Kaj had no idea what his endgame was. He didn’t know why, so many years after Jesper had turned his life into a living hell, he was still lurking in the shadows. Why he was so obsessed with him. Why he was targeting Noah now. Because they were together? Even if they weren’t, even if their paths hadn’t crossed again, Kaj would never belong to Jesper, no matter what he said or what manipulative, twisted schemes he played.
This is all my fault.
“I want you to move in with me,” Kaj blurted, eyes pinned on Trinity, who was curled up in some sort of hammock stuck to the window.
“What?” Noah asked as he padded across the open space.
“I want you to move in with me.”
“Please elaborate,” Noah said as he sat beside him.
“You’re not safe here.”
There was a tic in Noah’s jaw, but his voice as he spoke was perfectly modulated. “Are you talking about the stalker?” He glanced at Kaj out of the corner of his eye as he poured water into one glass, then the other, condensation from the jug dripping onto the coffee table. “You know who it is,” he all but stated.
“Yeah.”
Bending a leg on the couch, Noah turned toward Kaj and handed him a glass. “I don’t want to pressure you to talk about something that’s obviously so distressing for you, but if you know who they are…”
Kaj averted his eyes and took a sip of water. His mouth suddenly dried as his heart rate spiked.
For a few moments, Noah said nothing, but Kaj could see the tension working up his body and the wheels turning in his head. He was seemingly relaxed with his elbows resting on his knees, but it was all a facade. The way he was squeezing a fist inside the other spoke loud and clear.
Kaj released a heavy sigh. “It’s not a pretty story. You’ll probably hate most of it, if not all… and me.”
Noah raised his head and scrutinized Kaj’s face. Was that worry in his eyes? Determination? Anger? Fear? Confusion? A bit of everything?
“There’s nothing you could ever do that would make me hate you.”
“Not even acting like a cunt?” Kaj flashed him a smirk, tired and devoid of snarkiness.
“Can you be honest for once?” Noah clipped.
“I will. If you stop making those kinds of statements before listening to what I have to say.”
“Right, sorry. Go ahead.” Noah tipped his head slightly.
“Let me preface it by saying this: your stalker? It’s my stepbrother.”
“That’s…” Noah blinked fast several times, then frowned. “I didn’t see that coming.”
“Me neither, and I should have. Not that much of a plot twist, honestly.”
Noah gave him a stern look.
“Okay, fine…”
Kaj looked away and rubbed the back of his neck, feeling a niggling sensation pinching him. He hadn’t shared this with anyone since he opened up to Dr. Mortensen a year ago, and before her, Mads was the only person who had heard this horror story. It was hard to gather his thoughts and put them into words without being overly sarcastic or morbid.
“I don’t know why or exactly when it started, but with my therapist’s help, I see now that his behavior was kind of predatory from the beginning.”
“Kaj…” Noah’s eyes gleamed with concern.
“Don’t interrupt me, please.” Kaj glanced at him for a moment. “Otherwise, I’m not sure I’ll be able to tell you the whole truth.”
“Okay.” He nodded.
Kaj took a deep breath and let it out through his nose, vacantly staring at the ceiling as he rested his head on the back of the couch. “You know I didn’t like him much at first. Dad and I had been alone for years, so he and Katja were intruders in my life. But every time he came home, he’d bring a new video game or a comic or something and let me play with him—even those super gory, R-rated zombie ones. He always took my side when Dad and Katja told me I couldn’t do something because I was too young or when Dad scolded me because I had missed curfew. He sometimes let us hang out with him and his friends, drove us to concerts, covered for me when I’d sneak out at night to see you.
“What teenager wouldn’t admire someone like him? Someone who treats you as an equal and not as a kid… who calls to check you’re okay after arguing with your parents… who protects you.” Kaj’s vision narrowed, moving further, like he was being dragged backward inside a tunnel. “I should have said something when things started getting weird, though. I didn’t make much of it when he’d pat my shoulder or… when he’d hug me. Dad used to do that, too…” The sensation of his stepbrother’s palm lingering for a bit too long on his lower back flashed in his mind, sending chills down his spine. “F-for me, it was just a normal display of affection. The thing is that Jesper—” Kaj clenched his jaw so hard his teeth nearly cracked. “He also used to come into the bathroom when I was taking a shower… or walk into my room without knocking and catch me jerking off, then laugh it off as if it was nothing.”
Kaj’s nerves flared, and he scratched his leg frantically. But Noah caught his hand, making him and the imaginary itch stop abruptly.
“I… I think the first time I really noticed something was off was when he started making comments about my body.” Kaj bit the inside of his cheek and went on, though his voice cracked and stalled constantly. “He’d say things like—like I was ‘filling out nicely,’ that I had a better ass than most girls he’d hooked up with, that you should be grateful I was dating you... Fuck, he sounded jealous sometimes, which made me feel stupid, and so uncomfortable. But he was my stepbrother, who I thought was straight for a long time. There was no way he’d feel anything like that for me, right? So, I just shrugged it off, thinking I was overthinking… Then Dad died. And everything changed.”
Strangely enough, out of everything he was telling Noah, this was the one that hurt the most. The rape and everything that came afterward was traumatic like nothing else. It’d left him crippled for life. Because of Jesper, Kaj was a puzzle whose pieces didn’t match, but losing Nik had left a hole in his heart. His absence was so heavy that, even after so many years, it was hard to breathe every time he thought of him.
“I was lost, barely functioning. And Jesper stepped in, taking care of everything—the funeral, the paperwork, comforting Katja, me. He even stopped hanging out with his friends during the weekends, paid for my meds when I started going to that shrink for my depression, and was available for us twenty-four-seven.”
The memory unfurled like a poisonous flower, petals spreading wider with each word, infecting his blood all over again.
“It was New Year’s Eve the first time it happened. You, Theo, and Val had already returned home after spending a few days in Copenhagen together.”
Noah’s breathing turned shallow, but as promised, he said nothing.
“We were watching a movie, drinking… He’d opened bottle after bottle of beer. I don’t know why, but out of nowhere, I started crying because I missed Dad. He hugged me, told me all the things I needed to hear, and before I knew it, he was kissing me…” Kaj’s heart beat violently, but he was completely detached from his body, watching himself destroy one of the few good things he had in life as if he were a mere spectator. “I-I tried to stop him, but he crawled on top of me… pinned me down, made me choke on his—”
A strangled sound tore from Noah’s throat as he squeezed Kaj’s hand so hard it hurt. But it was nice. It grounded him in the present. “I’m gonna fucking kill him,” he gritted.
“It happened again during the next two days. I—m-my entire body hurt, and my mind was so… perplexed. At some point, I didn’t even know where I was.”
The rain drummed harder against the windows as the memories washed over him like acid, burning every nerve.
“Oh. And Katja knew.”
“What?” Noah’s voice was hoarse with anger.
“Yeah. She’d gone through my stuff, finding a forum online where I shared my experience, seeking… some sort of comfort? Understanding? Guidance? I don’t know. I just wanted… I just wanted someone to tell me I wasn’t as disgusting as I felt, to tell me I wasn’t alone. But no matter what I wrote or what I told her, she didn’t believe me. Her perfect son wouldn’t do such a thing.” Kaj let out a bitter snort. “She threatened me when I said she should defend me and report him to the police.”
Noah mumbled something through gritted teeth, but it was unintelligible to Kaj, so he just kept going. If he stopped now, he would never be able to open these gates again.
“I tried to avoid him as much as possible after that. Blocked his number, slept outside whenever he came home… But he popped in on a random day to surprise Mommy Dearest.” The mordacity in his own tone sliced through Kaj’s mind. “I was about to leave the house, had a date with you… but well… you know what happened next.”
As his words lingered in the air, silence stretched between them, broken only by Noah’s sharp, ragged breaths and the erratic thrum in Kaj’s ears.
“Fuck…” Noah muttered, and Kaj pulled his hand away sharply, suddenly feeling unworthy of him.
“I’m not done yet. It gets better. Katja was home when he did it, but she was completely passed out from all the drinking. She was fucking sleeping it off while her son and I struggled until he knocked me out temporarily and raped me. I think he even filmed it once?” A stream of silent tears rolled down Kaj’s temples as he trembled with anger, revulsion, and a bunch of other things he couldn’t depict. “When she woke up the next day—because yeah, she slept like the dead—we had a huge fight because even with all the bruises I had and the anal fissures I got, she still wouldn’t believe me. She said that I just wanted to ruin Jesper’s life out of spite for tempting me the last time and hurt myself on purpose.” Kaj swallowed hard. He felt like he was coming apart at the seams, unraveling thread by thread. “After that, after you broke up with me… I had no reason to stay there.”
Noah grabbed Kaj’s hand again and pressed a kiss to his knuckles, hot breath brushing over his skin. Kaj wasn’t looking at him. He couldn’t look at him, but he felt the pain embedded on his lips.
“So, I got a full-time job, rented a room in Fredericia, and applied for emancipation. At the end of 2014, I got legally emancipated, and between the little money I saved and Dad’s inheritance that I got six months later, I had enough to live for a while. Found another crappy job, where I met Mads, studied at night, and carried on with my life the best I could, until I was so overwhelmed… I tried to take my own life.”
“I’m gonna fucking kill him, I swear…” Noah muttered as he scooted closer, flung a leg over Kaj’s lap, and pulled him into a hug, fingers digging into his back. “I’m sorry, babe. I’m so fucking sorry. I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you when you needed me the most.”
A faint smile spread on Kaj’s lips as tears continued flowing. Those words didn’t change what had happened to him or between them. They didn’t erase the bitterness that had bred in his heart during the last decade, but they soothed his soul like a balm. They took away the resentment, the hatred, and all the ugly things that had kept him alive these years. He didn’t need them anymore. He had Noah back.
“You couldn’t have known,” Kaj rasped, nuzzling the crook of his neck. “I didn’t want anyone to know.”
Noah squeezed him tighter, a hand weaving through Kaj’s hair as lips pressed to his temple.
“So… You’re not disgusted? Horrified? Feeling like running for the hills?”
With his still leg draped over Kaj, Noah pulled away, grabbing his chin and tilting his head up, forcing the eye contact he’d been desperately avoiding the whole time. “Horrified that you went through all that and I was so dense I didn’t see it? Yes. Ashamed too. Disgusted? Fuck, no.” He shook his head. “What he did to you… Everything you survived after that might have partly shaped you into the person you are today, but it doesn’t define who you are, and it certainly doesn’t make you any less. You’re the most incredible man I’ve ever met.”
Kaj felt the imperative need to retort and tell him his taste in men sucked, but before he could utter one single word, Noah captured Kaj’s mouth with his.
The kiss was slow yet brutal, with teeth biting his bottom lip and fingers tugging at his hair. Kaj felt sluggish for a few seconds, unable to tell whether this was just a dream, but then Noah’s tongue found his, brushing against it with desperate, gentle need.
They’d kissed a million times, but never before had Kaj felt every blood vessel, muscle, and bone in his body set aflame this way. Taking as much as he gave, Kaj kissed Noah back with ferocity. It was mindless and violent, but purposeful and determined at the same time. A mass destruction before total reconstruction that left them both breathless.
“I’m selfish. I’m unfair, envious, and so fucking complicated. I can’t even say I won’t hurt you again…” Kaj panted against Noah’s bruised lips. This felt like ripping his chest open and offering Noah his beating heart. Though, as long as it was him, he didn’t really care what he did with it. “But, please, stay with me.”
Noah sweetly smiled at Kaj and brought their foreheads together. “I love you, Kaj. I love you with every fucking cell in my body. Nothing will ever change that.” He paused for a second and took a deep breath. “I don’t care about what anyone says, about the press talking shit even before we’ve figured ourselves out. I don’t care about that asshole’s threats. I’m not leaving you. Not now. Not ever. Much less while he’s still breathing.” His words lingered in the air, sounding both like a promise and a threat as he kissed the tip of Kaj’s nose, his forehead, and his lips.
Kaj let out a tired, resigned sigh, feeling completely drained and ready to sleep for a thousand years. However, underneath all that, something fluttered in his stomach. Contentment. Certainty. A sense of safety. And freedom… Light, warm, comforting.
“I love you, too.”
Noah embraced him tightly again, and sighed. “That’s all that matters to me.”