Twenty-three
“If you scream, I’ll make sure you never speak again,” a rough voice whispered against Kaj’s ear as the palm covering his mouth fell away.
Torn between obeying the man’s commands and crying for help, Kaj felt himself gradually sliding into full panic mode. His mind short-circuited, flooding with flashes of his body all bruised and covered in cum, then turned into a bloodied pulp, disposed of in a ditch somewhere so no one would ever find him. The options were endless, but none were pretty.
How the hell did I end up here?
He’d been sleeping in Noah’s room just a few minutes ago, but didn’t recognize the walls around him now. There were no windows or doors, and the air was so thick it felt like breathing water instead.
It’s a dream. Has to be.
Kaj tried to fight back, but he couldn’t.
The weight pressing on his chest was too much.
And he was restrained, hands and feet.
The stranger’s face was a blur. An eerie mirage in the dark.
Kaj’s heart skipped a few beats, trying to catch up with his erratic thoughts.
He should be fucking afraid, and he kind of was. The hunch that always showed him the truth hidden behind the dark veil of consciousness wasn’t there. And that was… odd. Every time he’d had these types of nightmares, it was there, guiding him through the horror in his mind.
“Get off me!” Kaj gritted, his survival instincts finally kicking in.
“Why would I, drummer boy?” The man hadn’t explicitly said the words, but judging by the way he was stroking his hard cock above him, Kaj knew he wanted to use him to satiate his needs. To quench the thirst that didn’t let him sleep at night. “You want this as much as I do. You were begging for it earlier.”
“I don’t!” Kaj struggled against the restraints in vain.
The stranger let out a wicked chuckle. “There’s no use. You’re not escaping this. Not tonight. For the next few hours, you’re mine to ravage however the fuck I want. Now… open this filthy mouth of yours.”
A hand fisted Kaj’s hair while another gripped his jaw, fingers digging in so hard he didn’t have a choice. His mouth opened, and before he knew it, he was choking.
Tears ran down Kaj’s temples as he gagged around the engorged head of this fat…
Salty…
Delicious cock.
What?
Kaj’s sense of self-preservation rang louder in his ears, but he couldn’t help the way his toes curled and his back arched in arousal. This was wrong. This was so fucking wrong, but so good at the same time. The scent of this man, his taste, and how the particles around them vibrated with his groans had Kaj completely intoxicated.
This wasn’t a memory nor a flashback.
He hadn’t been here before.
This was completely new… and safe.
“Fuck! That’s it… You have the best fucking mouth, babe.”
As Kaj’s vision cleared, he saw the man choking him with his dick. It was Noah. Dominant. Manic. Glorious. His eyes were darker than ever, glowing with lust and possessiveness as he mercilessly fucked Kaj’s face. His lips and tongue continued forming all kinds of dirty words and curses.
And he didn’t stop.
Didn’t give him a break, pushing Kaj close to unconsciousness as oxygen shrunk in his lungs.
But he was so turned on...
“I’m gonna come, and you better swallow till the last drop.”
Holding his head in place like Kaj was nothing but a tool for his own pleasure, Noah picked up the pace, driving harder and faster into his throat.
White, hot cum exploded, overflowing his mouth and dribbling down his cheeks.
However, Noah didn’t seem to have enough. Without giving him a break, he tossed Kaj around like a ragdoll, fucking him in a series of positions that had him trembling with excitement and exertion equally. It was pure debauchery. Kaj fucking loved it, but he was so dizzy, he could barely breathe as he lay on his stomach with his wrists tied behind his back while Noah rammed into him.
In. Out. In. Out…
Kaj woke up. His heart was going a mile a minute, his breathing was ragged, his mind a puddle of irrational desire, and his cock… Well, he was sporting an erection of epic proportions, probably even leaking with precum, because holy fuck.
That had been weirdly arousing.
Unlike the usual nightmares that had his body reacting in strange ways sometimes, he could feel a familiar tingling in his chest and heat coiling in his crotch. Same as when he was all hot and bothered.
Like every other human being out there, Kaj occasionally had wet dreams. It was normal and completely natural. But this? This was a first for him.
He was aware that a lot of people had fantasies involving consensual-non-consent. For some, it was a way to push boundaries and explore taboos, challenging moral principles preset by society. For others, the appeal lay in the idea of their partner being so overwhelmed with desire that they couldn’t control themselves around them. For those who had been sexually assaulted, it could be a means to reclaim their power.
There were several theories about this, but if you asked Kaj, people didn’t need a logical reason to like what they liked. As long as it wasn’t detrimental to anyone, everyone should be free to love and fuck whoever and however they choose.
The thing was that, while Kaj was able to embrace the most animalistic side of him and play the “aggressor” because he was naturally dominant, he’d never fully engaged in a real pretend rape scenario. Didn’t sit well with him. Just like he didn’t feel comfortable with playing the victim—even if he’d be the one in control, it made him feel unsafe.
It was simply too jarring for his mind.
Until now.
Apparently, somewhere inside him, he wanted, or at least he didn’t hate, the idea of Noah forcing submission on him like that.
Would he even do it knowing his past?
The fuck? Are we seriously considering this now? It was just a fucking dream.
“Morning…” Noah mumbled behind Kaj. “You seriously need to start drinking some sort of relaxing tea or something at night. The way you startle awake most days is annoying.”
“Almost as much as your voice.”
“You love my voice.” Noah tightened his arms around Kaj’s waist and nuzzled his nape. “How are you feeling?”
“Considering you’re making me talk before coffee, I’d say I’m feeling pretty stabby.” In reality, he was still a little shaken about everything he’d spilled last night and the twisted ways his brain had found to release tension during his sleep, but Noah didn’t need to hear more about it.
“Should have expected it.”
“What?”
“You deflecting with sarcasm.” Noah’s fingers trailed along Kaj’s side, almost as if he were counting his ribs, making sure he was alive and real. “It’s as surprising as the sun rising in the east.”
“I’m a charming fuck up.”
“Like a cactus.” Noah’s voice was gentle despite the snide remark. “But seriously. After everything you told me—”
“Can we not?” Kaj cut him off, rolling onto his back and turning his face to him. “I lived through it once, relived it last night for the third time in my life by telling you. Don’t feel like going for another round, honestly.”
Noah propped himself up on an elbow, dark strands falling over his forehead in a way that made Kaj’s stomach flip. “That’s not what I—”
“I know.” Kaj sighed, brushing away that stubborn lock of Noah’s hair that always fell over his eyes no matter what you did. “I know you’re just checking on me, making sure I’m still in one piece after spilling my tragic backstory. Being a good boyfriend. It’s disgusting, really.”
A grin tugged Noah’s lips. “Absolutely revolting.”
“The worst.”
“You just called me your boyfriend, though,” Noah teased.
Kaj rolled his eyes. He’d hoped Noah would let that one go, but of course, he didn’t. “I mean, you cause as many migraines as erections. Plus, we’ve been chilling and fucking exclusively for a couple of months now. Not to mention you said ‘I love you’ yesterday.”
“You said it back.” Noah’s grin widened.
“I did.” Something warm bloomed deep in Kaj’s chest, hatching among the burned remains of what they’d been in the past, as he smiled back. “Are you going to bring me breakfast in bed or some other horrific display of affection now?”
“Actually, I was thinking we could get up and make it together. That way, when you inevitably burn a toast, I can mock you mercilessly. There, balance restored.”
Kaj snorted, cupping the back of Noah’s neck and pulling him down to kiss that fucking mouth that drove him mad.
He was so grateful, not only for having Noah back in his life like this, but for his ability to read him and know when to push and when to step back. A lesson he’d probably learned from his cats, since they were as unpredictable as Kaj and all.
“Fine,” Kaj grumbled against Noah’s lips, feeling like staying here a little longer and tasting him instead.
Noah kissed him back languidly, fingers digging into the flesh of his hip.
“Come on,” he said when he pulled away. “I’m starving, and you need a caffeine dose. Don’t want you committing a homicide before noon.” He rolled off the bed and walked out of the room wearing nothing but his trunks.
Admittedly, Kaj was hungry, too.
Groaning dramatically because he didn’t want to get out of bed, Kaj followed Noah.
The kitchen was bathed in morning light, streaming through the large windows that overlooked the street. Save for the ridiculous amount of books, music albums, and action figures he owned, everything in Noah’s space was minimalist and organized—stainless steel appliances, white countertops over light wooden cabinets, a stark contrast to Kaj's penthouse’s darker decoration.
“Coffee first,” Kaj demanded, hoisting himself onto one of the stools at the kitchen island while Noah moved around with practiced efficiency.
“Bossy,” Noah quipped, but he was already reaching for the mugs when the coffee machine buzzed to life.
Kaj watched Noah’s back, the way his shoulder blades and every muscle on it flexed and relaxed beneath his tattooed skin as he prepared their breakfast. Though maybe he should be thinking more about brunch since it was well past eleven.
Letting out a sigh, Kaj propped his chin on a palm, his eyes never leaving the living masterpiece in front of him. There was something mesmerizing about his ridiculously hot ass swamped in the domesticity of the atmosphere. Kaj never thought he’d experience this again, especially not with Noah.
“I was thinking eggs,” Noah said over his shoulder. “You still like them over-easy?”
“You remember that?”
“I remember everything about you.”
Unsure how to respond, Kaj swallowed hard as Noah went back to cooking for them.
He knew this moment was nothing but the culmination of this weird, acrobatic dance they’d been doing for months—years—around each other. Around the piled-up frustration, the anger, the resentment, and everything they weren’t brave enough to say before. But, as surreal as it sounded, Kaj had always known Noah was the one for him. His other half. The best part of him.
Whatever came later, they’d figure it out together.
No more running away.
No more secrets.
No more lies.
The aggressive buzzing of Noah’s phone, abandoned on the counter beside Kaj’s arm, snapped him back to the real world. It was the fifth time in a couple of minutes.
“Popular this morning,” Kaj said.
Noah plated the eggs beside the cured cold meat, sausages, and bread with cheese. Then he wiped his hands on a dishcloth and tapped the screen of his phone, frowning.
“Something wrong?”
The coffee machine gurgled in the background, filling the air with its rich aroma as Noah read the texts he’d been receiving.
“It’s just the guys and Niels,” he said. “They’re asking about you.”
“Of course they are.” Kaj huffed, getting up and walking around the kitchen island to fill their mugs.
“Like I said last night, I’m not going to pressure you into doing something you don’t want to do, but maybe… you should talk to them. Tell them what happened.”
Kaj froze with the coffee pot in his hand. “I don’t know if I’m ready for that.”
“You don’t need to tell them everything , but they’re family, and they’re worried.” Standing behind Kaj, Noah kissed his shoulder with that sexy tenderness no one else was capable of. “Besides, Niels has been dealing with the stalking thing for weeks. This would give him an advantage, and… considering Jesper’s record, we might be able to get rid of him for a long time.”
“Maybe… tomorrow? I was thinking of calling my therapist now to see if she has any availability for today.”
“Anything I should worry about?”
“No. I just need to sit down with her to rearrange the mess in my head. Nothing especially concerning or new.”
“Okay.” Another open-mouthed kiss. But this time, it was on that spot right behind Kaj’s ear. Fuck… That feels good. “I’m here if you need me, though. For anything.”
“I know.”
“Good afternoon, Dr. Mortensen,” Kaj said as he entered the room at her house she had settled as her office.
“Hello, Kaj.” She smiled, motioning for him to sit on the armchair across from hers.
“Thank you for taking me on such short notice.”
“Of course.”
When Kaj called, she said she had some personal appointments in the afternoon, but that she could squeeze him in between lunch and her last patient of the day. Apparently, it wasn’t common for him to ask for help like that, so there was no way she’d say no. And here they were now.
“How are you?” she asked.
“Good. I think.”
Dr. Mortensen nodded, flipping her long blond braid over her shoulder as she reclined back, hands over the tablet on her lap. She didn’t say anything, but her gentle, honey eyes were assessing him. Like always.
The soft summer breeze blew through the window, making the gauzy curtains flutter. The space was intentionally calming, with walls painted a muted sage, bookshelves lined with psychology texts and small potted plants, and a subtle lavender scent hanging in the air, but Kaj was still restless.
Resting an ankle on his other leg, Kaj crossed his arms and took a deep breath.
“Actually,” he finally said, “something happened yesterday. Something big.”
“Would you like to talk about it?”
Kaj snorted. “It’s not like I came here for the pastries.”
A playful smile curved the side of her lips. She was more than used to his snarkiness. “Go ahead.”
Kaj looked down at his leg, focusing on the lines of ink curling on the back of his calf. “You remember I told you I had a stalker a while ago?”
“Yeah.”
“He’s back.”
Silence.
She always did that. Waited until Kaj had finished telling her the whole story before asking the next question, making him reason and see a possibility he hadn’t considered before.
“I’m not the target this time, so I’m good. Kinda.” Kaj reached for the laces of his Vans and fumbled with them as he started bouncing his foot. “I mean, it’s not affecting me or my cravings. Not directly. Noah, on the other hand… This shit is hard to deal with.”
“How’s he doing?”
“Not as bad as one would expect. Or maybe he’s just become much better at pretending. But anyway…” His eyes drifted to the tree outside. “After months of having to deal with this crap and the gossiping about our relationship—I told you about that, right?”
“Yes.”
“After months of all that,” he said, “I figured who it is.”
Dr. Mortensen’s expression remained neutral, though her digital pen stilled against the screen of her tablet. She waited, giving Kaj time and space to gather his thoughts before continuing.
“The stalker is Jesper, my stepbrother.”
Kaj clenched his jaw as another beat of silence stretched between them.
“During a live interview we had yesterday, people were allowed to pop in to ask whatever they wanted, and there was this creep… The messages were disturbing, but there was something he said that… he used to say to me. I had a panic attack, but honestly, what bothers me the most is that I didn’t see it before. I mean, the messages, the photos, the obsession… I should have seen it.”
“Hindsight often gives us the clarity we couldn’t have in the moment,” she said simply to counterbalance Kaj’s tendency to blame himself for everything.
“Yeah. I know.”
The clock on the wall ticked loudly in the silence that followed. Outside, a bird chirped, its song piercing and clear.
“There’s more, though.”
“I’m listening.”
“After I freaked out like a little boy, Noah took me home with him, and I told him everything.” His voice dropped, becoming lower and grittier. “Not just about who the stalker is. Everything .”
“How did that feel?” she asked.
Kaj laughed, a hollow sound that gave him the creeps. “Like ripping my heart out and dragging it through the dirt before putting it back in.” He ran a hand through his hair.
It’d been almost twelve years, and he still wasn’t over it.
Kaj hated it.
The word weak hung from the tip of his tongue, but he didn’t say it out loud. Instead, he mentally repeated like a mantra the words Dr. Mortensen had said a hundred times—“Healing is a process”, “Healing is different for everyone”, “For you, it wasn’t just the act itself, there was a lot that came afterward.”
“How did Noah react?”
“I asked him to not interrupt until I was done, and then he just… held me. He also said he loved me and that he’s not leaving me again, and a bunch of other cheesy things I’m not used to but I loved.”
Dr. Mortensen nodded, her pen now moving slowly across her tablet. “That sounds like a significant moment of connection between you two.”
"It was. Yeah.” Kaj inhaled sharply. “He made me a sandwich and that fancy chamomile tea with honey I pretend to hate but actually love, and then we just went to bed, and he hugged me until I fell asleep.” A small, genuine smile tugged his lips. “All these years, I was afraid that the moment he found out what had happened, I’d become damaged goods in his eyes, you know?”
“And you didn’t,” Dr. Mortensen observed.
“No.” Kaj shook his head. “If anything, we’re better than ever. Even if we still have this stalking issue to deal with and have to tell our manager and figure out how we go about it, it’s like there’s nothing standing between us anymore.”
“That sounds amazing, Kaj. I’m really glad to hear all this. I’m so proud of you.”
“Thanks, I guess.” He nodded awkwardly, fingers drumming against his thigh as he pondered whether to tell her about the weird dream or not.
“I love everything I’ve heard up till now, but if you’re not struggling with your cravings or any particular nightmares or intrusive thoughts… What is it you really wanted to discuss?”
“There’s something—Last night I had this dream. I don’t know how to describe it… Weird? Confusing?” He reached for the glass of water on the side table, taking a long sip before continuing. Suddenly, the potted succulent on the bookshelf beside him seemed fascinating.
“What was it about?”
“You know I’m not exactly innocent when it comes to sex. I’ve done plenty, and my imagination can be wild. But last night… I thought it was a nightmare because I couldn’t move and had this knot in my stomach when… I was forced to suck this man in a position that is usually quite triggering for me.” Kaj twisted his mouth, feeling extremely weird talking about this with Dr. Mortensen. He’d never gotten into so much detail with her. “Then, I realized it was Noah. I still struggled, but I enjoyed it, too. And I woke up really horny. Not just your typical morning wood, but actually turned on.”
Dr. Mortensen set her tablet aside completely. “Kaj, consensual-non-consent fantasies are not uncommon.” Her voice was matter-of-fact, neither judgmental nor overly clinical. “Sometimes they’re just a way for the mind to process trauma, to reclaim control by choosing to surrender it in a safe environment.”
“I know the theory.” His voice sounded clipped. “But I’m more on the dominant side. Even with Noah, who’s strong and confident. I just like being in charge.” Kaj sighed.
“Being in charge and in control are two different things. Besides, preferences can change.”
“So drastically?”
Dr. Mortensen smiled. “The human mind isn’t static, and neither are our desires. So yes, they can change, especially when you’re in a relationship where you feel genuinely safe. The acceptance and love you’ve received from Noah when you were at your most vulnerable point might be opening doors you had kept locked all this time.”
“It still feels like my brain is betraying me,” Kaj admitted. “All these years… I know what I want, what I like when it comes to sex, but being restricted and forced… Feeling…” He struggled to find the words.
“Powerless?”
“Yeah.” Kaj nodded, focusing now on the ring on his index finger as he turned it. “That’s not something I’ve ever been into. Didn’t even cross my mind that I’d ever enjoy being in such a vulnerable position.”
“Let me ask you something,” Dr. Mortensen said. “In this dream, when you realized it was Noah, did you feel unsafe?”
“No. It was intense and overwhelming, but not threatening.”
“Do you think he would have continued pushing your limits if you asked him to stop?”
“No.”
“So, the context of this terrifying situation changes completely the moment you see Noah,” Dr. Mortensen stated. “The only reason I can see this happening is because you trust him on a level you’ve never trusted anyone before.” She folded her hands on her lap. “For years, your trauma has been this immovable wall between you and certain aspects of intimacy. Not just physical intimacy, but you haven’t allowed yourself to get close to anyone, not entirely. Until now.”
Kaj considered her words, rolling them around in his mind as he gnawed the inside of his cheek. Maybe it was because they’d known each other since they were kids, before everything went to shit, or because they shared an emotional connection Kaj hadn’t experienced with anyone else, but when they were together, he didn’t think about the possibility of Noah having a hidden agenda or seeking to purposely hurt him. He just went with the flow. They were just them.
Dr. Mortensen reached for her tea mug, taking a thoughtful sip before continuing. “Have you shared these thoughts with Noah?”
Kaj scoffed. “After what I told him last night, I wouldn’t even know where to start. He’ll probably think I’m fucked up, like really fucked up.”
“Has he ever given you a reason to believe he’d judge you?” Dr. Mortensen tilted her head to the side.
“No.”
Dr. Mortensen offered a gentle smile. “I’d love for you to explore this if that’s what you want, but before you take any step in that direction, you need to understand and accept yourself the way you are. You’re not sick nor broken. A dream could be just that—a dream.”
It was true that this was the first time something so graphic and contradicting invaded his unconscious mind, but time and time again, Kaj had found himself wishing Noah would take it further when he let his more dominant side shine. Kaj loved it when he barked orders at him, when his hand was wrapped around his neck, and how he unabashedly thrust into his mouth, using Kaj for his own pleasure. Maybe this was just his own mind telling him he was ready to explore new territories.
“There’s a vast difference between the act of violence you suffered and the consensual exchange of power dynamics you’re describing, a scenario where you’d be the one in control despite the vulnerability you’d be exposed to,” Dr. Mortensen added.
Kaj nodded, absently turning his ring again. “I’m not sure I could act on it, though. Not right now.”
“You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, but if you decide to bring this up with Noah,” she continued, “approach it as a conversation, not a confession. You’re not admitting to some dark, twisted desire. Trust yourself and the connection you’re building.”
Kaj exhaled slowly. “Not sure how to do that. I’m still figuring out how to separate what happened to me from who I’ve been all these years and who I am now.”
Some people who went through the same were able to compartmentalize and move on easily. Some faced their issues right off the bat to avoid the traumatic experience marking them for life. Others never spoke about it and suffered in silence, learning to live with that sort of loneliness entrenched in their hearts. And then, others like Kaj let it fester under their skin, allowing the infection to spread further and deeper, reaching places unknown. They functioned on a surface level, spending years blocked inside until, one day, everything exploded.
Different strategies for different personalities.
Knowing what Kaj knew now, though, he wished he’d sought help earlier. He’d probably be free of this burden that made him feel so jaded.
“That’s a lifelong process,” Dr. Mortensen said, her voice gentle. “But from where I’m sitting, you’ve made remarkable progress. Your trauma doesn’t control your responses anymore, not entirely—you do. The fact that your subconscious now associates Noah with safety rather than danger, even in scenarios that would typically be triggering, speaks volumes.”
“I guess you’re right...”
Sunlight shifted through the window, casting golden patterns across the wooden floor as they continued talking about the next steps regarding Jesper. Thirty minutes later, the session wrapped up with Dr. Mortensen reminding Kaj of their appointment next week.
As Kaj stepped out onto the street, the afternoon light streamed through branches of the trees, casting dancing shadows on the ground. He allowed himself a moment to pause as he took a deep breath. The summer vibes in the air, intensified by the hustle and bustle of the city, bicycles passing by, and the distant sound of the river, and the normality of it all felt comforting after the intensity of the last twenty-four hours. For the first time in years, Kaj felt like he could breathe, really breathe.