5. Chapter 5
Roman
W hen we got home, we showed Eli his room.
It’s bare bones right now. A queen-size bed and a dresser, but he looked at it like it was the best place he’s ever stayed.
And I don’t actually have that many details of his home life other than what I know about his dad abusing him, so it very well may be.
Beck assured him we could decorate it any way he wanted, and that we’d go this weekend and help him pick stuff out for it.
He told us he didn’t need anything and that it was fine the way it was.
But if I know anything about how Beck likes to spoil people, there’s no way he won’t eventually break him and get him to fill it with things he likes .
Now, though, we’re sitting in the living room, Beck and I curled up together on the couch, with Eli wrapped in a blanket in the armchair closest to us with Kassie curled up beside him. I just finished telling him the sordid details of my past, and he’s crying again.
I hate seeing him cry.
He tugs the blanket a little tighter around himself, and Kassie nudges him with her nose.
I know, just know , he needs a hug. Part of me wonders if he’s going to be brave and ask for it again, but there’s no way I’m going to make him.
Affection will never be held away from those who need it in this house.
It never has been and it won’t be today.
I’m starting to untangle myself from Beck when he beats me to it. He jumps up and holds his arms open. Eli stands, quicker than I’ve ever seen him move, and steps into Beck’s arms, pressing his face hard into Beck’s chest. “Hey, easy,” Beck whispers. “You’ll hurt your lip again.”
There’s so much tenderness in his voice that it almost makes me sob. Fuck, I love this man so much. He’s so compassionate. Still so full of joy, and still so fucking good at sharing it, at filling up other people’s holes and empty places with it.
Beck brushes his fingers through Eli’s dark hair, and Eli trembles in his hold. He doesn’t rush him or try to act like he shouldn’t be upset. He just holds him. Somehow, he always seems to know exactly what the person he’s with needs, and he’s so fucking good at giving it.
Watching Beck in full-blown protector mode never gets old.
I have to admit, it’s nice seeing him in protector mode without him swinging on someone.
Although, I already know keeping him away from Eli’s dad is going to need to be a thing.
Not that Beck would do anything to put our foster license in danger.
Beck dips his head, whispering something to Eli that I can’t hear.
It doesn’t really matter if I can hear it, though.
I know whatever he’s saying is exactly what Eli needs to hear.
He’s got an uncanny way of doing that. The only person I’ve seen do the same is Holden.
Those two are more similar than they realize.
“Why are you being so nice to me?” Eli asks, his voice muffled against Beck’s chest.
Fuck.
Beck swallows hard, running his fingers through Eli’s hair again. “Because you deserve it.”
It’s such a simple fucking answer. And it’s most definitely the truth.
Eli sniffles, tightening his hold on Beck.
Beck, love his heart, holds him tighter, like he can heal all the cracked pieces of Eli’s soul with sheer determination alone.
And fuck, God knows he healed a lot of mine.
But the first call I’ll be making in the morning is to a child psychologist.
I clear my throat. “He’s right, you know?”
Eli turns his head just enough that he can look at me. There’s a small ember of hope burning in his eyes, and its perfection. It might be tiny, and mostly overshadowed by hurt and fear, but it’s there, and we can nurture it and build on it.
Just like it felt like fate for Beck to walk into the bakery all those years ago, and for me to meet Holden, and for Beck and me to find our way back to each other.
This feels like fate too. Like we’re meant to be here.
Like Eli was meant to be outside my building.
Like I was meant to find him. I know it in my soul.
Eli pulls back slowly from Beck’s arms and sniffles. “Would it be okay if I took a shower and went to bed?”
“Of course,” Beck says. “Do you need anything?”
Eli shakes his head, and for the first time all night, his shoulders drop. Not in defeat, but like he’s finally allowed himself to set down some of the weight he’s been carrying. “No. Thank you, though. I’ll see you in the morning?”
Beck smiles, and my heart nearly falls to the floor. God, I love when he smiles like that. “Absolutely. ”
Eli turns to me with a shy smile. “Goodnight, Roman. Night, Beck. Thank you both for letting me stay at your house.”
“Goodnight to you too,” I say, figuring I’ll leave out that it’s his house too. He’ll learn, eventually. We’ve just gotta be patient and let him see it.
Beck and I watch as he turns and walks out of the room.
When we hear the bathroom door shut, Beck looks at me.
His eyes are glassy and his lower lip is quivering, and goddamn, I love my tender-hearted man so much.
I hold my arms open, and he collapses into my lap.
He presses his face against my neck as his first tear falls.
“You’re fucking incredible, you know that?
” I ask, sinking my fingers into his hair.
His fingers curl around the fabric of my shirt as he lets out a wet laugh. “I want him to know he’s not alone.”
I put my finger under his chin and force him out of his hiding spot.
When his eyes lock on mine, my heart nearly explodes.
Brushing away his tears, I press my lips to his forehead.
“Jesus, baby. I don’t think I’ve ever loved you more than I love you right now.
And that’s insane to think about, considering how much I love you. ”
He gives me a wobbly smile. “I love you too, beautiful. It’s unreal how much. ”
I let him tuck his face back against my neck and run my fingers through his hair as his even breaths fan across my skin. We sit in silence together, listening to the muted sounds of the shower, until the water cuts off and Eli’s tentative footsteps can be heard crossing the hall.
Even then, we don’t move. Beck stays curled in my lap, his lips grazing my pulse point every once in a while, my fingers still tangled in his hair.
My eyes start to grow heavy, and there’s not a chance in hell that I’m sleeping on the couch again.
“Hey, baby,” I whisper, kissing the side of Beck’s head. “Let’s go get ready for bed.”
He nods, reluctantly pulling himself from my hold.
When we’re done getting ready for bed, and Beck has sent Holden a text letting him know we have Eli and will call tomorrow, we crawl in beside each other and I pull Beck back into my arms. He nuzzles my skin and sighs.
I jolt awake, memories of my dad flying through my mind, my heart racing. I’m alone. I’m alone. I’m alone.
Where’s Beck?
I sit up in a panic, patting the bed and looking around the dark room. He’s not here. Why isn’t he here ?
I swallow the rising anxiety and climb from the bed on shaky legs, my heart pounding wildly in my ears. I make it to the door and pull it open, rushing into the hallway. My legs feel like jello, like this is a dream, and I’m running and can’t get away.
Where’s Beck?
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
Stumbling, I rush toward the living room and trip over something. My legs give out and I crash to the ground, not even managing to catch myself. My eyes burn and Beck’s groggy voice fills my ears. “Beautiful? You okay?”
“No,” I choke out. “Nightmare.”
My teeth are chattering and my knee hurts where I fell and this fucking sucks. I’m so tired of this. So fucking tired of this.
“You left,” I gasp, tears building in my eyes. Then I’m being lifted, pulled into Beck’s arms, rocked slightly.
“Fuck, beautiful. I’m so sorry.”
I can’t speak, so I don’t. I just bury my face in his chest and breathe in his scent, letting it and the feel of his body wrapped around mine soothe me.
I have no idea how long it takes me to calm down, but when I do, Beck is rubbing his thumb along my cheek and humming softly.
“Why did you leave?” I ask, my voice raspy.
“You aren’t the only one with nightmares tonight. ”
Fuck.
Why didn’t I even consider that Eli would have nightmares too? God knows I have. My entire life. For as long as I can remember, anyway.
“I should have come back to bed after Eli calmed down. I’m sorry.”
His thumb traces patterns on my face, his touch light and gentle. I shake my head. “No, it’s okay. I’m a whole-ass adult. I should be able to deal with this on my own by now. Fuck, I’ve been in therapy for a damn decade.”
Beck tips my face up and forces me to look at him. “Would you tell Eli that?”
I squeeze my eyes closed because he knows damn well I wouldn’t. “No.”
“Exactly. Come on. Let’s go back to bed. I think he’s okay now.”
“Did you check on him?” I ask, my own worry rising to the surface as my anxiety falls away.
“Yeah, I peeked in at him. He was crying out in his sleep, but he didn’t wake up. I didn’t want to wake him. So I just left him alone like I do with you, but I sat here in case he woke up and needed me. Must have fallen asleep.”
I open my eyes to look at him. “Like you do with me?”
His expression shifts to sadness. “Yeah, beautiful,” he says with a sigh.
“Like I do with you. You have nightmares and cry in your sleep at least a couple of times a week. You only remember them if they wake you up or if I wake you up. So I don’t mention them because I don’t want to bring up bad memories. ”
I blow out a breath, my stomach sinking. “I’m sorry.”
He chuckles, but it’s tinged with sadness. “Jesus. Why are you sorry?”
“That you have to put up with that.”
He slides his fingers into my hair and pulls me to him, dropping his lips to mine. He kisses me almost lazily, like he’s trying to infuse all the love he has for me into it. And truthfully? It’s working. My heart swells as his tongue seeks entrance, but then he pulls back. “Let’s go to bed, okay?”
I stand and hold a hand out to him, and he follows me to our room, shutting the door behind him.
In a move straight out of our eighteen-year-old lives, he backs me up against the bed and gives me a soft smile. “Arms up, beautiful.”
I grin at him, lifting my arms in the air so he can take my shirt off. Then he’s stripping off my shorts and boxers. “In the bed, please.”
I do as he asks, watching as he strips down.
Then he’s climbing on top of me, settling his warm body on mine.
He covers my lips with his and kisses me gently.
He pulls back and brushes his lips against mine, and I shiver.
“You wanna know something?” he asks, his lips moving along mine with his words.
“Always,” I whisper, my body already burning for him.
He tilts my head back and kisses my throat. “I spent ten years missing you.”
I whimper, half because of his mouth and half because of the heartache in his voice. But he doesn’t let it deter him. He works his way slowly down my body, his lips ghosting over my collarbone. “I’d cry myself to sleep and squeeze that stuffed rabbit to death.”
Tears burn my eyes. I gasp as he drags his tongue over my nipple. “You’re not something I have to put up with, beautiful.”
He pulls my nipple between his teeth, biting down lightly. “I will listen to you cry, and rage, and scream, and lose your fucking mind.”
He stops talking and kisses his way back up my body before bracing himself over me and staring into my eyes. “Do you know why?”
“Why?” I ask, my voice shaky as tears start to drip down my temples and into my hair.
He rubs his nose against mine. “Because it means you’re here.
You are never, ever something I have to put up with.
You are the thing I’m most proud of. My most prized possession.
The owner of my fucking heart, beautiful.
Never a burden. Never a thing I have to deal with.
You’re the one thing I’m thankful I get to have.
You’re so fucking precious, and you don’t even see it. ”
A sob catches in my throat as he seals our lips back together. I reach blindly toward our nightstand, slapping my hand around to find the lube. Beck chuckles into our kiss and pulls back, grabbing it for me.
He looks at me, and I know he knows what I want without even needing to say the words. I swear, it’s like the two of us speak a language only we understand, and I’m so fucking thankful for it.
He adjusts, getting me ready for him as he explores my mouth with his tongue in unhurried strokes.
After a minute, he climbs back on top of me, pushing my leg back and sinking into me in one slow motion.
He presses his forehead to mine, and our breath mingles as he works himself in and out of my body.
“You’re so wanted, Roman,” he whispers, bringing our lips so close I can feel the shape of his words as he says them.
“And so loved. Never a burden. I ached for you for ten years. Nothing. Not one single thing about you is undesirable to me. You’re mine. ”
I gasp against his lips, and he swallows the sound as he presses his lips to mine, kissing me as his hips rock and my body moves with his.
He reaches between our bodies and grabs my cock, and the second his hand wraps around it, I’m coming.
My back arches as I groan, my entire body tingling and shaking.
“That’s it, beautiful,” he rasps, and then he tucks his face into my throat, his breath coming faster as his hips lose their rhythm.
He pulls his hand from between our bodies and collapses against me, leaving lazy, open-mouthed kisses against every inch of skin he can reach. I close my eyes, taking a deep breath as his love soaks under my skin, making me feel whole, just like it always does.