Chapter 21 Paxon
Paxon
Holy shit.
I shouldn’t be here, eavesdropping on the stairs, but when I came down to tell him the update, I overheard one intense discussion.
First Shadow announcing the changes to their organization because of me and Boone, and then Wraith telling his whole family that he loves me.
It’s what the last guy said though that has me reeling. Could I somehow separate Wraith from what he does? I can’t ask him or even allow him to leave his family. I know that.
So that leaves two options: accept him as he is or leave.
I sit on the steps, unsurprised when he turns the corner and finds me there.
“Pax. Are you okay?”
I nod. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to eavesdrop. I came to tell you something.”
“It’s okay. I have no secrets from you. What’s going on?”
“Boone texted me. He’s alive and he’s okay.”
“That’s a relief. Where is he?”
“On his way here. I didn’t know what else to do.”
“That’s perfect. He’ll be safe here.” Wraith steps forward, taking my hand in his. “And you’ll be safe tonight at the game. I’ll be there with some of my brothers.”
I nod. “Good.”
“Boone can stay as long as needed. We have a plan.”
“I heard it.”
“How long were you here?”
I smile and half shrug.
“So you heard about the hiatus?”
“Yep.”
“And the advice my brothers gave me about you?”
“That too.”
Wraith leans against the wall, one foot up on the step between my legs. “I’m willing to fight for this. I know it’s fucked up, but my heart didn’t get the message. I don’t know what the future holds, no one does, but I can promise you that I’ll give you everything I’ve got to make you happy.”
“Wraith…” I shake my head. “It’s not just about feelings. How do we build a life together? What does that even look like?”
“Do you want to?”
“Yes.” The word is out before I can stop it or think better of it. His face lights up, but it’s not enough. “But you’re not the only fucked-up one. I’m so deep in the closet I can’t see the exit anymore. My brother is a mess and probably always will be.”
“But you want to? Build a life with me?”
I nod, chewing my bottom lip. “Fuck, Wraith. I’m in love with you too, and I’m really pissed off about it.”
He nods. “Fair.”
“I’ve waited my whole life to love a man and to experience the urge to finally step into the light. I finally find it and it’s…” I huff.
“It’s me. It’s fucked up.”
“I don’t want to want you the way I do. I think about you more than I think about hockey, and I didn’t know that was possible.
I’m someone different when I’m with you.
Or maybe not different. Maybe it’s a part of me that I shoved down.
I like that version of me. There’s so much more than hockey inside of me and I’ve been too afraid to explore it, but you… Dammit.”
My voice cracks as my eyes well with tears. Wraith squeezes my hand before pressing it to his chest over his heart.
“You’ve shown me who I can be when hockey is over. I think the wiser thing is to walk away, but I don’t think I can. So I guess I’m saying… we’re in this fucked-up thing together.”
Wraith gets on his knees in front of me. “If you can trust me, I’ll make it right.”
“I do trust you. It’s not that.” I glance down for a second before forcing myself to stare into his eyes.
“I’ve been thinking of how I can make it work in my head.
At first I thought, maybe if we just pretended you were going out to a regular job and I could pretend I didn’t know, but that doesn’t work.
I wouldn’t be supporting you as a partner, and that’s not fair. ”
“Pax—”
“No, let me continue.”
He nods.
“I think you should tell me about it. Maybe not the gory details, but, like, why you’re doing something. Especially now that Shadow said he wants to do better.”
“Are you sure?”
“We can try it. It’s not like I can pretend you went out for ice cream when it’s ten at night and you come back with blood on your hands.”
“I rarely come back with blood on my hands.”
“You know what I mean.”
“I can visit your place a few times a week. Far away from this world.”
“We’ll figure those details out later. We still have a lot more getting to know each other to do before we change our living situation. I still need to decide whether I’m gonna pull the plug on my career or give it one more season.”
Wraith nods. “I’ll support you no matter what.”
“I know. Can you tell me something?”
“Anything.”
“The best and worst parts of your job.”
“Until recently, the worst part was discovering victims along the way. We’ve saved a lot of people from bad situations.
We even have an arrangement with a shelter in town for all the women and kids we find in the process of our work.
That’s also the best part.” He smiles. “Because we were there, we got someone to safety. We stopped their abuse. Sometimes we save lives too.”
His explanation settles something inside me. “So the best part isn’t killing people?”
“I don’t personally get a lot of joy from it except in those situations I just mentioned. It feels very good to take out a predator. The rest of the time, it’s just a task I do.”
“It’s not that way for all of you though?”
“No. We all have our motivations for how and why we’re here. I told you before that I’m not gonna pretend to be a good man or that what I do is altruistic, but it does serve a purpose, and we’re gonna do a better job going forward to keep innocent people safe. You did that.”
“I’m glad.”
“Me too.”
My phone buzzes and I jump to my feet. “Boone’s here.”
Wraith nods, already heading towards the front door. I have no idea what to even expect from inviting my brother right into the lion’s den. Or maybe it’s a haven. I don’t fucking know.
By the time we step onto the front porch, Boone is there, sitting in his car like a statue. After a moment, he turns his head, and his face relaxes slightly when he sees me. He steps out of the car, glancing around before walking forward.
“I don’t think anyone is following me, but what if they were?” he asks.
“Let them follow you here,” Wraith says. “It’ll be the last thing they ever do.”
“Why did you fucking take off, Boone?” My voice cracks with the fear I’ve been holding in for hours. “Do you know how worried I’ve been?”
Snow is falling and the chill in the air is fierce enough that I shiver.
Wraith’s hand moves to my back. “Let’s go inside and talk.”
Nodding, I turn and follow him, pausing to wait for Boone. Once inside, the three of us stand in silence until Wraith speaks.
“Want some tea or coffee, Boone? Something warm?”
He nods. “Um, I could use some food too, if you have any. I’ve been driving around for hours. I was too afraid to stop.”
I frown but purse my lips together to avoid scolding him.
“Yeah, we have food. Come on.”
Wraith leads us through the house to the kitchen. Boone is looking around, wide-eyed.
“You live here, Wraith?”
“I do. Not alone.” He smiles. “My brothers live here too.”
“Brothers? How many do you have?”
“A lot.” Wraith chuckles. “I can make you a sandwich, or if you need something heartier, I’ll get one of the guys in here to cook.”
“A sandwich is fine,” Boone says, leaning against the massive island in the center of the kitchen. “Thank you for letting me come here.”
“Of course,” Wraith says. “I’m glad you called your brother.”
I watch Wraith hunt through the fridge for sandwich fixings for a minute, but then I focus on Boone.
“Where did you go? You left the rental and went north. I thought you were going to the cabin.”
“I was.” Boone frowns. “I stopped for gas and got spooked. There was this guy paying too much attention to me. I couldn’t figure out how he’d know where I was, but I didn’t want to take any chances so I left the car and took off on foot for a few hours.
I watched the car, and once I was sure no one was following me, I got back in.
I’ve been driving all night. I didn’t know where else to go, so I called you. ”
“That was smart,” Wraith says, slathering mayo on some bread. “If someone was following you, you threw them off. You threw us off too.”
“What do you mean?”
“We tracked you. Well, the car. We knew you were heading east again but not where to. You made the right choice coming here. We’ve learned some things about your former boss.”
“Before we get into that,” I say, “Can you tell me why you fucking took off in the first place when we told you we were gonna help?”
Boone frowns, but nods as he slides onto a stool. “I went outside for a walk, right? I had to get out of the room.”
Wraith slides the ham sandwich forward along with some chips. Boone smiles in thanks, picking at a chip.
“I fucked up,” Boone says softly. “Like I always do. But this time I was taking other people down with me. Wraith was willing to fuck up his whole life to save me, not to mention what it would do to you. Again.”
“Boone—”
“No, Pax. Listen to me. I don’t want to die, but I don’t want to hurt you anymore. I don’t want to ruin this thing you have going with Wraith.”
“It’s not like that.”
“I heard you, okay? I was coming back and I stood outside the hotel room and I listened.”
I cringe, thinking about my brother listening to me hate-fuck Wraith.
“There was so much emotion there when you were telling him you couldn’t be with him anymore. I’ve never heard that from you except when you’re talking to me. I didn’t want to be the reason you couldn’t pursue a relationship.”
“You’re not,” Wraith says, his tone bitter. “Don’t forget what I am, Boone. The fact that I’m helping doesn’t change that. Your brother was right to put distance between us.”
“Oh my god.” Boone chuckles softly. “A martyr, huh? That’s rich.”
“What do you mean?” Wraith asks.
Boone bites into his sandwich, chewing and ignoring the question hanging in the air.
“Boone.”
He looks up at me, shaking his head. “You love me, right?”
“Of course.”
“And I’m a total fuckup. I’m dangerous to your career and your reputation, but you’ve never walked away from me.”
“You’re my brother.”
“And?”