Chapter 11
His question drags me out of my dreamlike state. His deep, dark brown eyes undress me, peeling away layer after layer. My heart beats a frantic rhythm.
“Nothing.” The lie slips quickly out of my mouth.
His brows furrow, aware of it. It shouldn’t be allowed for someone else to know me this well. It makes me wonder if soul mates exist. But that would be too cruel in my position. Maybe in another life. The thought saddens me even more.
I lock my arms around his neck to distract him, playing with the ends of his hair. I should tell him to leave, for both of our sakes. If they send someone from the Family away, there is no guarantee they wouldn’t do something much worse to someone from outside.
I could bear anything, but not something happening to him.
My head drops, and I force those damn tears back, yet they slip, betraying me.
Cradling my face, he wipes his thumbs at the corners of my eyes. Then he pulls me into his chest—my blissful cocoon—my safe place.
A deep sigh rolls out of his mouth. “Who hurt you, princess?”
His husky voice laced with care almost compels me to tell him everything, but what good would it do? He’ll leave, and until then, I want to enjoy these stolen moments with him, savoring and experiencing all those wondrous things between us.
The memories would stay with me; no one could take those from me.
“Kiss me.”
Annoyance thickens his voice. “You’re trying to distract me.”
“I just want to fuck.”
We both flinch at my crass words. We’re more than that. I could never have given him my firsts if it weren’t more.
A muscle ticks in his jaw. “And now you’re trying to reduce what we have to just fucking.”
My spine goes ramrod straight.
“I’m starting to know you.”
It’s a hit to my stupid heart that caved and let him in. I stood no chance, anyway. He barged in and took ownership like a cruel conqueror, not caring about the implications or consequences.
“You know what? I’m not in the mood to fuck.”
“Maybe you’re in the mood to tell me some more truths instead? I’m in your room. Where is your supposed boyfriend?”
“In his.”
“So what will happen if he finds me here?”
Nothing. Nothing would happen because it’s just pretend. Being with Kaden is the only reason I can afford to be this reckless.
“Don’t forget your place.”
“I’m not your dirty secret.”
“Then—”
“Then what?” He dares me to say we’re over, while every bone in me fractures under the weight of his stare.
“Why are you like this?”
“What? Did I give you the impression I’m not the guy who goes after what he wants?”
“Well, you had me.”
“Stop pretending like this is only physical,” he raises his voice, ringing with irritation. I shush him while he plops on the edge of the bed and flips through my sketches.
I rush to take it from him. “Give it back.”
Instead, he flicks through dozens of pages, each showing him, his hands, his eyes, his stance. Basically, it’s him in every posture I got to see him. My greatest weakness is now in the open for him to see.
He arches an arrogant brow. “I did my best to be a great lay, but this is a bit more, don’t you think?”
Him being an asshole right now won’t get him what he wants. Nothing could. Some things are not enough, which sounds like a damn contradiction. Love should be enough. Desire and the will to be together should be more than enough.
I snatch it from his hands. Yanking the drawer to my desk open, I push the sketchbook inside and slam it shut, the desk rattling from the force like my insides.
He offers me a sad smile. Legs parted, his hands dangle over his knees.
“I don’t know what to do with you. With this Abigail you always revert to. Help me out, sweetheart… you’re not the only one terrified of this.”
“The only thing missing is your dying devotion,” I say, forcing as much annoyance as I can into my tone.
“You’re sarcastic. I’m an asshole when things don’t go my way. We are quite a fucked up pair.”
I lift my arms, breathing through the fog of frustration. “You want things from me I can never give you.”
“So fucking sorry, I want to hold your hand, call you my girlfriend, spend time with you without you looking over your shoulder. I’m so damn unreasonable.”
“Dane…”
“I’m fucking leaving.”
He shoots to his feet, ready to leave. A chill sweeps through my insides, freezing me. It would only take a push, and I would fall apart in pieces.
Let him go. Please, you have to let him go.
This perpetual internal war over what I should do and want to do tears me apart. Once again, my feelings override my rationality. My hand shoots to hold on to him, my heart pounding a thunderous and erratic beat that deafens me.
“If you think I wouldn’t love those things, you’re mistaken. But that will never happen. And even if I’m going to be free, you probably will have found someone else by then. You’re here on borrowed time. You’ll leave and live your best life. I will never be a part of that. My life will be here in Greenville, a luxurious cage. I need you to go.”
“My brain, Abigail, doesn’t work like that. I’m different…”
We’re a mess, a beautiful mess. My heart recognizes all of his broken pieces. Our broken pieces don’t cut; they just complement each other, creating a marvelous whole. Our souls recognize the other as its counterpart.
“I just want to protect you.”
He cocks his head, slamming a fist against his chest. “You’re tormenting me. This is what you do… constantly… fucking with my head… playing with my heart…”
The sincerity is stamped on his face in a sad acceptance. It makes me want to rip my chest open and let him see what’s inside—better who. My heart is his.
“I’m sorry,” I murmur, dejection coating my tongue.
“Don’t be. It’s on me.”
I’m holding his hand, tracing his prominent vein pulsing with life, while he’s already made up his mind.
“I hope he loves you the way you deserve, Abigail. I hope you’ll find what you’re looking for.”
You, I want you. You are what I am looking for and looking forward to.
Tears sting my eyes. How do we always end up like this when our every fiber yearns to be together? Letting go of his hand, I cross my trembling arms over my chest.
“I wish you all the best,” I croak.
“Look at us being friendly… finally.”
Why is he still standing here, ripping me apart like this? I won’t recover. I won’t be able to reassemble all the scattered pieces at my feet. I will never be the same. Losing him will break me like nothing else, and nothing will be able to stitch me back together.
I drop to my knees, covering my face. This pain butchers my insides into a bloody mess.
“Princess.”
He drops to the floor in front of me. I think I’m pushing at his chest, but I’m holding on to him instead. Selfish, Abigail. As if you could love the right way. You never learned how.
Dragging him into the crossfire is not love.
I wipe my tears away with the back of my hands, forcing myself to do the right thing.
“Go, just go.”
“Stop.”
He grabs my wrists. I want to drown in him while his arms hold me together and his mouth breathes life back into me.
“If I stay, will you choose me?”
Here we are, coming to the most apparent reason why this thing between us will never work out. Instead of saying no, my mouth must be in a secret coalition with my heart. I’d sacrifice myself to soothe his pain. I can’t say no to that.
“Not in the open.”
He lifts his eyes to the ceiling. For patience, for advice, it’s irrelevant because he’s not leaving.
“It’s not because of Kaden.”
“Just hearing you say his name makes me murderous. Knowing you’re with him, officially, thinking about him touching you… My brain goes into a dark place—”
“Don’t. This is what I can promise you: I’m yours. No one else’s but yours.”
He pulls me to his chest, and his beating heart calms me—my home, the only place I want to live forever.
It’s the perfect lullaby.
“You’re my weakness. Forgive me for not being strong enough and doing the right thing,” I confess.
“Strangely, you’re my strength.”
I kiss the spot between his pectorals with quivering lips. It’s impossible to refuse my heart’s greatest wish—him. He scoops me up and carries me to bed.
“Good night, princess.”
He shifts to move, but I interlace our fingers, whispering the one word that will be my ruin. “Stay.”
His arms reach behind his neck, pulling at his shirt. After taking off the rest of his clothes, he slips into bed with me. The storm in my mind recedes. We’re lying face-to-face, and I see his tattoo. I trace my finger over the two lines, finally being able to focus on them. The last two times, I was too wrapped up in our lovemaking.
“What does it represent?”
“Officially, it’s for my passion for racing, representing a road.”
“And unofficially?”
“A reminder to stay in line. Something to hold on to when my brain pushes me over the edge.”
Nothing shallow. Somehow, I knew he wouldn’t be the type.
I lift his hand and pepper kisses over the road, hoping to help him with his struggles.
He wraps his arms around me and places a kiss on the top of my head. The sweet, tender kiss caresses every frayed nerve, and my mind instantly calms. I fall asleep in his embrace, wishing to keep him just like this with everything in me.
A knock has me sitting up, rubbing at my eyes to clear the fog of sleep. Kaden’s voice seeps through. “Abi?”
Dane is in my bed, crossing his arms behind his neck and lifting a brow in challenge. It’s as if the entire armistice from last night flew out of the window with Kaden turning the handle.
“Just a minute,” I yell.
I keep looking from the bed to the door, not knowing what to do.
Dane hops off the bed, body taut as he pulls on his clothes.
“Are you all right?” Kaden asks.
“Yes, perfect. Give me a few.”
Dane stalks toward the window. From his walk alone, I can tell he’s not pleased. While I debate what to do, he yanks the window open, slides his feet over, and jumps. It happened so fast that I had no time to react, but his disappearance kicks me into action.
My room is on the first level but still high enough. Needing to know he’s okay, I rush to the window and see him landing on his feet in a crouching position. The relief washing over me is so sudden it dizzies me, but then I look around, terrified that someone might see him. The fear makes me paranoid even though I don’t see anyone.
I am with Kaden. No one would question my loyalty.
I change quickly into my uniform. With my phone in my hand, I walk out of my bedroom. I type and delete a message to Dane, not knowing what to say to make this situation better.
My friends are at the kitchen table. Blake’s eyes twinkle with mischief as he says, “Where is Dane?”
Bailey’s fork drops, and her eyes double in size. I open my mouth to answer when he says, “Heard you guys talking when I came over last night.”
With my appetite gone, Kaden points at my plate.
“I…”
“We have bigger problems than dealing with that as well. Your eating disorder is serious. And so are our lives, Abi. Lives you don’t seem to care much about.”
“Nothing would happen to you.”
“So you think it won’t affect me?”
Kaden grumbles expletive after expletive, and I say, “I want one damn good thing for me…”
I look straight at him, hoping he will understand.
“Dane must be really brave or stupid to come sneak in where your supposed boyfriend could pop up any moment.”
“I doubt he cares much about that,” Blake says.
I stand up, flipping Blake off.
“Wait.” It’s Bailey, and she loops her arm around mine, leaving the guys in our kitchen. She has this playful grin on as we walk out the door and head to the school building.
“I want to know everything.”
I sigh as we walk toward school.
“Dane was pretty mad when he left.”
Her features turn pensive. “Your feelings for him must be strong. Out of all of us, I thought you’d be the one…”
“Strong enough to put an end to every beginning.”
She shrugs a shoulder. “When you work so hard on an image, with time, it starts to be a part of you.”
I nod, sad that even my family perceives me as cold.
“That came out wrong. I’m not good at people-ing.”
I crack a smile. “Maybe you would if you’d get your head out of a device once in a while.”
She plucks her phone out, saying. “Hey, I’m fully invested. I haven’t looked at it for five minutes and fifty seconds.”
That’s not healthy, but I’m not exactly a role model when it comes to healthy habits, so I keep my mouth shut.
“We’re going to be fine,” I say, wanting to believe it with every fiber of my being.
“And now you’re optimistic. That’s not scary at all.”
In front of the lockers, she says, “I haven’t been in love. How is it?”
I open my mouth to deny it, but she whips her head to me, arching a brow as if daring me to lie to her. Instead of refuting what would be the truth anyway, I ponder my answer.
“It’s the most wonderful and terrifying thing ever. I want to be with him all the time. I think about him so much. He’s even in my dreams. There are moments I want to yell at him for making me fall in love with him, and then I want to run away with him so I can love him freely.”
“Just be careful, okay?”
I hug her. “Thank you.”
“We’re family.”
She waves at me, and Kaden approaches me. We both watch the youngest heading to her class, her eyes on her phone while all glances follow her. There’s just something special about Bailey that draws people in, and she isn’t even aware of it.
The silence between Kaden and me is comfortable. We each are deep in our thoughts and at ease with each other.
“She’s going to do amazing things,” he says.
“Look at us, like proud parents.”
We chuckle. I hug his side, placing my cheek on his shoulder. He laughs way too seldom.
My luck must run dry because as I share a moment with my best friend, an angry energy cools my back.
“He sure knows how to make his presence known,” Kaden says.
He and Dane are locked in a death stare, and I am so over their testosterone bullshit. I march straight to the classroom, but Mr. Parker, the assistant principal, intercepts me and says Ms. Baker, the principal, wants to talk to me. My nerves eat at my composure as I head to her office.
Inside her office, the walls close in on me as she says, “I’d like to have a word with you.”
Ms. Baker gestures to the chair in front of her desk and continues, “About the test results.”
“Which results?”
Panic hits me while hundreds of thoughts run in my head all at once—impossible to catch.
“The SAT test results you left in the library.”
I hold my breath, my lungs threaten to seize. I am afraid that if I release it, it will show how affected I am. Those results were never meant to be seen or examined.
“That was the highest score ever achieved.”
My mouth dries as if anguish soaked up all fluid.
“Abigail, all the Ivy League colleges would like to have you.”
“I’m staying in Greenville.”
“Not to sound disrespectful, but you could attend any college you want.”
Yes, but that’s not my life. I don’t have a choice. I have a predetermined future for an unknown time.
“Thank you, but that’s unnecessary.”
“I’ve talked to your parents.”
I shake my head so fast it might dislocate from my neck. Some people want to help, but they create even more problems. She smiles at me as if she did a fantastic thing. If she only knew.
I mouth a thank you and stumble out of her office.
It’s okay. It’s okay. I’m going to tell them it was a misunderstanding. They’re my parents. They should be able to keep this from the Family.
My vision blurs and my knees wobble. Each step becomes a struggle as dizziness spreads through me. Somewhere in the distance, a bell rings, announcing the beginning of today’s classes. Strong arms catch me, and everything turns black.
Hushed but angry voices seep through my foggy brain, and I blink awake. I am in the school’s infirmary room, an IV connected to my vein and dripping.
Dane and Kaden are chest to chest, both of them heaving and puffing while the nurse has her back to them, arranging medicine in the glass closet.
“What happened?” I ask, my voice groggy with disorientation.
Dane beats Kaden as he rushes to my bed first. He looks like I feel: tired and dejected.
“You fainted.”
Suddenly I remember, and everything comes crashing down on my head. Panic constricts my throat; it’s impossible for me to form words.
“Leave,” Kaden says, surely noticing my state.
Dane opens his mouth, but he closes it when he realizes Kaden is talking to the nurse who’s watching us. She nods, walking out.
You don’t say no to us.
“College exams, my parents,” I say.
Kaden drags a hand down his face, still rooted in place.
Dane looks from Kaden to me. “This is good. Why are you looking as if you just saw a fucking ghost?”
“Fuck,” Kaden says low.
“Kaden, it was just…”
“This is not your fault.”
“What the fuck is happening here?” Dane asks, pacing around.
“Family matter. Leave,” Kaden tells him.
Instead, Dane plops on the chair next to my side and challenges him while lifting a cup of water from the nightstand, bringing it to my lips.
“I thought you were mad at me,” I whisper.
“I am. That doesn’t mean I won’t take care of you.”
I take a few sips. The nurse comes back and offers me a protein bar. The thought of eating has me shaking my head, but Kaden has lost his patience with me because he sticks the bar into my mouth, making me sputter. The angry energy rippling from Dane stills all sound around us. He has reached his breaking point, and Kaden has no idea what he has done.