Chapter 10
With my head on Abigail’s stomach, her fingers thread through my hair softly. I close my eyes, savoring this feeling of content that I’ve never experienced before. This turned out to be the best night of my life.
When I wake up, she’s curled to my side. My heart expands, filling up my chest. Her blond hair spills over my chest like satin gold, her full lips parting with a satisfied moan, but her belly grumbles.
Torn between staying just like this with her and feeding my girl, I dress quickly and tiptoe outside.
Running toward the dorm to get my car, I drive to the nearest grocery store, buying a breakfast assortment and a pack of condoms.
After quick shopping, I return and park. When I get out of my car, I notice a bush of wild roses along the left side of the house. They instantly stop me. I pluck some out, ignoring the small cuts and drops of blood. Abigail reminds me of these roses. Just like them, she’s worth the pain.
I walk inside, carrying the roses and the breakfast bag. On the blanket, she rubs at her eyes, her legs crossed. A bright smile covers her face, her happiness igniting mine.
I keep admiring her, telling myself I’m not dreaming. That last night happened. That we happened.
She tilts her head, watching me, watching her. I place the bag down. Wrapped in the blanket, she stands up and kisses me. That’s the first thing she does, ignoring everything else, and putting me on my knees.
I give in to the kiss, loving her soft lips pressed against mine, our tongues tangling, creating an addictive combination—a dance of heat and passion.
She jumps into my arms. This is what I want: to wake up to her like this, with her in my arms and feeding off her need just as potent as mine.
She gets on her knees and peels my jeans off me with jerky moves. She wears a mischievous grin as she bows her head and sucks my steel hard dick in her mouth.
I squeeze my eyes. Her lips wrapped around the head of my cock makes me delirious. The pleasure almost knocks me out.
“You, on my dick, now.”
She releases it with a pop. “A little bit bossy, aren’t we?”
“Please.”
“I really want to suck your dick.”
“Jesus Christ, princess.”
She giggles, poking her tongue into the small slit, and that decimates my control. She continues to trace the vein along my shaft. My body vibrates with sheer delight. Raw pleasure pulls my muscles taut. What starts as a soft exploration ends with her taking most of me in her mouth, but gagging. It’s hot as fuck.
Her eyes water. Spit dribbles down her chin while she bobs her head up and down, not deterred but wanting every inch.
I cup her cheek, uncontainable lust and raw emotions battling inside me. “Fuck, you look so damn beautiful like this. Mouth full of my cock yet wanting more, my greedy, dirty girl.”
“For you.”
“Only fucking for me.”
She nods, but that’s not enough. “Say it.”
“Only for you,” she says, peppering another kiss on the head.
“Good girl. Do you want my cum in your pretty little mouth? Then let me fuck it.”
She opens her mouth, looking at me with those bewitching eyes. Fisting my hand in her hair, I guide her face to my cock, thrusting into her mouth. Every time I hit the back of her throat, I tell myself it can’t get better, only it does. Her hot mouth around my cock and the damn visual of her on her knees—what I give her—is so potent I barely hold on.
It’s too fucking much pleasure that it makes me go blind for a second. My release shoots up my marrow. I feel my balls ready to empty.
My grip on her tightens. “I’m gonna come.”
“Then come,” she says with a mouth full of cock. And holding her face, I pump a few more times until I erupt.
I stumble back, weak on my knees. She swallows, licking her lips, and then licks the remaining bead of cum from my head.
“Was I good?” she asks, looking unsure.
If I ever find out who made her feel less than perfect, that person’s days are numbered.
Tracing my finger over her lips, she pokes her tongue out and nibbles on the tip.I cup her cheek, and she leans into my touch.
“Good? Princess, you were fucking amazing. You’re incredible in whatever you do.”
A satisfied smile parts her lips, and she places a kiss on my pelvic bone. I drag her up, kissing her. It doesn’t take long until I’m hard again.
Rolling the condom onto my dick, I take her down with me. She slides down on my length and fuck if her pussy doesn’t strangle my cock in the best way. I’d forsake everything just to have her.
“Are you sore?”
“A bit, but I want you more.”
Those words make me feel like a damn titan. I want to beat at my chest and shout to the world that she is my woman.
She grinds on my length then moves up and down, riding me.
With my hands on her waist, I watch her tits bounce. This damn position will be the death of me. I suck on the pointed nipples, trying to prolong my release even though that would be impossible. She feels too damn good.
Her on top of me robs me of any coherent thoughts.
Face painted in pleasure, looking so radiant and stunning, she shuts her eyes. Biting her lip, she gives in to the rhythm of carnal desire while I enjoy the titillating show.
She explodes with a moan, carrying my name and a full body shake.
Flipping her onto her hands and knees, my fingers dig into her waist, leaving my prints on her. That thought spurs me on because fuck, she has dug herself so deep, I am basically wearing her inside of me. I pump into her, losing myself in the sweet frenzy and sheer pleasure of being inside of her. Lowering myself to her, her back presses against my chest. She sucks in a breath as I go even deeper in this position.
“You’re so deep… so good,” she moans.
Biting into her neck, I thrust a few more times, moving from slow and gentle to fast and hard. Our moans and groans mix with the thud of our cores connecting.
Coming together, I fall next to her. “Morning, princess.”
Her pleased look is my new daily check.
“Can we stay here forever?”
My phone rings from somewhere on the floor, but I ignore it.
I lean in to kiss her when the ringing starts again. With a huff, I answer, “Can’t talk right now, Mom. Bye.”
“That was rude,” Abigail says, caressing my jaw once I am beside her.
“I’ll call her afterward. Promise.”
She takes the roses scattered around the floor, inhaling softly. I’d steal all the world’s roses for her and lay them at her feet. Yeah, I’d become a thief for her just to see that joy sparkling in those eyes that own every beat and every thought of mine.
I dig the contents out of the bag and offer her a smoothie and a bagel.
A heavy silence follows, a stark reminder this is not our reality.
She sighs. “I should go.”
“Not yet.”
She gives in, and it feels like a win I’m enjoying to the fullest.
I curl my hand in her hair, yanking her head back. My eyes locked on hers, her blue orbits darken with a sheer need that will definitely consume me.
“You’re mine, only mine. Say it.”
She closes her eyes and puts her palms on my chest. “Dane, let us live in this moment, but please don’t ask more of me when I gave you more than I should.”
“Is this about him?”
I can’t even bring myself to say his name without rage infecting my blood.
“Not only. But what we have is just mine, okay? This has nothing to do with my relationship with Kaden.”
“That there is a relationship while you’re naked in my arms makes me murderous.”
All the anger and frustration disappear when she kisses me, making me forget everything else.
“I’ll pick you up tonight,” I say over my shoulder as she changes.
“On a date?” Excitement laces her tone.
“Date? I’ll take you to every date you want when you’re going to be my girlfriend, but I guess you want to be my fuck buddy instead.”
“You’re never going to let this go, are you?”
“Would you?”
She has the decency to look away.
After she takes a few sips of her smoothie, she pushes aside the bagel.
“Aren’t you hungry?”
“I’m not much of a breakfast eater,” she says, shrugging.
Her small voice and flippant gesture unsettle me. Since I met her, have I ever seen her eating actual meals ?
She puts her clothes on, then takes just one rose with her.
“Why not the rest?”
“I just need one.”
Emotions knot my throat, and she waves at me.
“Where’s my parting kiss?”
“You don’t get one.”
My jaw drops, and she giggles as she walks out. This cruel woman of mine that I am mush for—my greatest challenge and my biggest reward.
“Princess, let me drive you back.”
“It’s okay. We can’t be seen together.”
My patience could rival that of a saint.
“Remember last night?”
She rolls her eyes at me, and I grab her hand. “I’m taking you.”
In the car, silence stretches, and when we reach the school grounds, she says, “You see this. It will be a recurrence; all paths lead me back here.”
She slips out, closing the door behind her, leaving so many things unsaid. But they couldn’t be more clear to me: if you want me, accept me in secret, like a sin in the night. Fuck, I roar and hit the wheel, knowing I’d rather have a tiny part of her than nothing.
Back in my apartment, I call my mother.
“Sorry for that.”
“The fact that you apologized is an improvement.”
I chuckle, and we switch to a FaceTime video. My little sister’s eyebrows knit together as she tries to come to me through the phone. She cries when she can’t touch me.
I coo at her, and she falls asleep in my mother’s arms.
“You were not as fussy.”
“But I got that way.”
“So?”
“Mom.”
“Tell me everything.”
“Can’t hear you, poor connection.”
“Dane Donovan.”
I hang up and drop on the bed. With my phone in my hand, I call my team principal. I should have done it a while ago.
“Dane?”
“Hi, Mark.”
“Are you okay?”
“I want to apologize. It was my mistake and I take full responsibility for that. It’s no excuse, but I found out something, and it messed with me.”
He takes in a lungful of air and says, “Never expected that. You sound good.”
Only my heart is on fire, but my brain is perfectly calm.
“What do you want?”
“A second chance.”
“Dane—”
“You know how I can be when I want something. I don’t want to end up like my father.”
“You’re one damn good emotional blackmailer. Fix whatever pushed you to do that, then you have to get the okay from Denny. When you come back, if you can still drive like that, we’ll talk.”
“You know I will.”
He chuckles, and I call my father next.
“Dane?” It’s now that I realize how his tone is always on alert when I call him.
“I want to say thank you.”
“So what is it you want?”
I burst into laughter and scoot back against the bedframe.
“Racing is my life.”
“It almost cost you your life.”
“I talked to Mark.”
“I’m not going to like this.”
“Let’s be honest, I’m always going to be fucked up in the head.”
“Don’t say that.”
“You want to know why I lost it that night? I’ll tell you only if we keep this a secret from Mom.”
“Fine.”
“I found out that my dad didn’t die of a heart attack, it was suicide.”
“Who the fuck—” He stops himself from saying more, and I wait, hoping he understands how pivotal this could be for us. “I’m sorry you had to find out like that.”
“If you would have told me, things would have turned out differently.”
I have never believed in destiny, not until I met Abigail. So I might regret acting recklessly, but never that it brought me to her.
“Your mother and I tried to protect you. You’re hell-bent on believing you’re just like Bobby. You’re not.”
“That doesn’t make it any less true that I have it too. But I’m going to work on my bipolar disorder not letting it turn me into an inconsiderate wreck with suicidal tendencies. I’m going to do whatever it takes.”
“The only way I would let you in a car is if you get clearance.”
“Every time?”
“It’s up to you… and how much you want it.”
“You don’t want me behind the wheel?”
“Not when you could use it to kill yourself.”
“I’m working on it.”
“And there you have it. I love you. I have raised you like my own. You can tell me that I fucked up as a parent only when you have your own kids.”
“I’m better, you know. It’s still there, but…”
“You open up, talk, and just keep working on that. I’m always going to be here, wanting what’s best for you. The other D in DD Motors doesn’t stand for your father’s initial like everyone thinks it does. It stands for you. Because I’d rather die than clip your wings, but I’m also a father.”
He has been there, every moment of my life, and hearing him say that infuses me with hope.
“So I could come back to the team?”
“Son, I’d battle the world to get you where you are meant to be. There are perks to being the boss and you being his son too.”
After we hang up, I sigh a breath of relief, which pumps me up. For the first time in a very long time, I feel hopeful. The chains around my head, shackling me in darkness, stand no chance when I see I got a message from Abigail.
It’s a picture of red, orange, and greenish flames. Inside there’s not a phoenix but a filigree human form with wings creeping upward. It’s incredible.
And this is how my race car is going to look.
I call Samuel, my chief mechanic, and send him the pic.
“That’s great work.”
“My girl is talented.”
“You have a girl, huh? I guess the break is doing you good.”
“Shut up. Can you do it?”
“Don’t insult me. She’ll be ready when you come back.”
“How are the guys?”
“Missing you. Working on your car and hoping for a miracle.”
I want to get back to racing, but I also have to work on myself. I can’t be the best version out there if I am constantly battling internal demons. I have to face it and accept that my illness won’t go away.
I go through what so many specialists have said to me over the years. I can allow my diagnosis to control me, or I can learn to live with it. My mild bipolar disorder doesn’t define me. It is just part of what makes me who I am.
I walk toward my car, waiting for Abigail inside.
She steps outside, and she looks incredible in a denim jumpsuit. All I can picture is ripping that off so there’s nothing but her smooth skin as I get my hands on her. That can wait. Date first, I remind myself.
I want to get out, kiss her properly, and open the door for her, but I can’t. Which is harder to do when everything in me demands to treat my girl right. I want to show her I listen to her concerns and accept the secrecy.
She slips inside my ride. “Where are we going?”
Where I can do all the things you forbid me to do here.
“It’s a surprise,” I say instead.
She clasps her hands together, delight flickering in her eyes. That look right there becomes my ultimate goal.
I drive for a while—hoping she will enjoy her surprise—until I park the car in the middle of a field. On our right is an old farmhouse. To our left is the reason I brought her here.
She takes the dimly lit place in. It’s a maze of books, and once you complete it, you can choose a book.
Fairy lights illuminate the space. She turns to me, her mouth opening and closing in awe. She kisses me urgently, feeding me her passion before her eyes take everything in. I call it a huge win, and my previous worry vanishes.
The older couple lets us in after I pay for our tickets. Abigail’s so engrossed in the books that her entire face beams. I follow her, enraptured. It’s no wonder we lose our way a few times. It’s either because I can’t stop kissing her or she traces and reads the title of every book she sees.
When we find our way out of the labyrinth, she picks a book from the maze, pressing it to her chest. Her excitement is palpable, and fuck, I think I’m falling for her.
No, I know I’m in love with her. Hard. Irrevocable. Permanent.
She jumps into my arms. “This was perfect. The best date ever. I didn’t know this place existed.”
“There’s more.”
“Really?”
I nod, emotions clawing at my chest as I take her lips in a long kiss until we both gasp for air.
Next, we go to a small restaurant by the ocean. The hostess shows us to our table and after we order, she talks animatedly about everything and anything. For my first date, I think it’s going great, but it’s her, so even if we were in hell, I’d still have the best time.
“Celine would have loved it there.”
I sip from my Coke, and she stops talking.
“I hate when you do that. You’re at ease, then you let something slip and freeze me out again.”
“I have my reasons.”
“Fuck your reasons.”
“Would you tell me everything?”
“If you’d be mine… But I think you’d just have to ask and I’d tell you everything, even the stuff that might make you wanna leave me.”
Her eyebrows draw together. “There would be nothing on your part that would make me want to leave you.”
“In case you didn’t notice, I’m volatile. My mood swings. My focus on things I want…”
“What is it?”
“A secret for a secret.”
When she opens her mouth, everything in me calms down.
“I miss her… something is lacking in our group without her. And then I feel guilty because if she were here, Celine would have had to see us together…”
Abigail takes a sip of her water and continues. “But some things you don’t have power over. I think there’s a reason for life, and that contains an ingrained battle. Battle to live, survive, and become someone. Nothing comes easy for humans. There would be no reason for existence, otherwise.”
Of all the things I could divulge, I tell her, “My father killed himself. So I guess he lost the battle.”
Strangely, it feels liberating to say it to someone. The truth. The ghosts that had haunted him and ultimately passed on to me.
She finds my hand on the table. “I’m so sorry. Which is stupid. As if that word could heal the wound of losing a loved one.” She interlaces our fingers, giving a little squeeze. “Dane, he didn’t lose a battle. He did his best until it wasn’t enough anymore. And it’s not your fault. I hope you know that.”
“I guess his team made sure people thought it was a health issue—which it was—but his heart didn’t give up on him. Hiding the truth so the legend could live on.”
She takes my hand and lifts it to her cheek, offering me strength.
“Look at me vomiting stuff like that.”
“You can tell me everything. Your confessions are safe with me.”
She makes it sound as if I am safe with her too, mind, body, heart. The allure is too strong to withstand, completely overshadowing the risk that it could wreck me. I swallow the knot stuck in my throat and offer a small nod.
My heart recognizes her as if our souls have been mates since forever. There’s this familiarity and intimacy between us that’s impossible to explain, but it’s there—an integral part of our being.
After we eat, it’s not lost on me that she barely touched her food.
“You don’t like it? We could go somewhere else?”
“No, it’s delicious. I just don’t need much,” she says, waving it off, but it doesn’t do much to make the nagging thoughts vanish. Her lack of appetite is worrisome, but I don’t want her to retreat, so I push it back for another time.
After I pay, we rush to my car with rain pelting down. When I park in front of the cliff, I push the seat back and lift her over the console, pulling her onto my lap.
Cupping the back of her neck, I bring her face to me. “What have you done to me that I can’t get enough of you?”
I want to snap a pic of her just now, eyes shining and lips swollen. And I do just that.
We kiss some more until our bodies need more, to feel the other from the inside out. She lifts her body as I shrug off my pants and peel her jumpsuit off.
“Fuck, princess. Pick something with easier access next time.”
“Or I could just come naked.”
I bite into her neck. “Show this body of yours to anyone else and I will kill him.”
A frenzied desperation controls me until I fill her slick pussy, and we both moan.
“You’re my calm in the storm,” I confess.
“You’re going to be the one dream I will forever chase,” she says through kisses.
“I’m right here.”
The frenzy switches to a slower rhythm as we make love, soft and unhurried.
There’s nothing better than the feel of her, all hot, tight, and bare. Fuck. That wakes me up from my sex-infused brain.
“Condom.”
“Pull out.”
“Princess… your trust in my control when it comes to you is admirable.”
But fuck, she squeezes me, and I lose any rational thought.
The window fogs with our heavy breathing. Moans and groans create a carnal song only our bodies molded together can produce. I kiss every sweet spot my mouth can get to, my hands roaming over every exposed inch.
She’s gorgeous. A divine beauty making me a believer, a worshipper at her altar. I can’t get enough of her so I give in to this frenzy overtaking me. She’s impossible to resist. Getting over her would be hopeless so I’d be damned if I won’t become the only one she needs, wants, and loves.
With my mouth sucking on her nipple and my thumb flicking her clit, I push in and out of her, keeping up a steady rhythm while my insides shake with sheer desperation. This fiery need to embed myself in her takes over me. I would lose myself gladly in her and never want to resurface. That’s the power she has over me.
Her hot pussy massages me so good it takes everything in me not to come. Seeking her face, I see her eyes are glazed over in pleasure. She digs her nails into my shoulder, and with a breathless sigh, she comes, strangling my cock so good my vison dots for a few seconds.
My hand splays on her neck while my fingers grip her chin. Eyes boring into hers, I hold her gaze so she can see what she does to me—tearing me apart, putting me back together.
When I’m almost there, I pull out and erupt all over my hand and her stomach. Breathing heavily, I need a few moments to recover.
She dips a finger into our joined releases and brings it to her mouth. Sucking it, she watches me.
A low groan vibrates in my throat. “How do we taste?”
“Delicious.”
She offers me a bit to taste too, and I lick her clean.
“We do, indeed.”
I snatch some tissues from my glovebox, and after I clean us up, she cuddles into me.
We watch the rain strike the windshield, and I ask, “Are you still up for learning how to race?”
“Really?”
Her excitement is addictive. She could obliterate me, and I’d take it because being with her makes my life not just bearable, but worth living.
“You’re going to go back to racing, and I’m going to cheer you on every time, knowing no one is better than you.”
“You know how to turn me on. And this is my promise: I’ll win every race for you.”
“But you’ll be safe, yes? Swear it to me.”
“I swear to you because I have a reason, and that is to come back to you.”
“I’ll take that.”
This moment carries a sacred vow. One I fully intend to keep.
She glances outside where the rain streams down harder, lashing at the windshield. “Tomorrow?”
“Now.”
“But—”
“You have to race through all weather. My girl is brave, isn’t she?”
She offers a small nod. “You make me want to be brave.”
“And you make me want to live.”
My heart is out in the open. It’s hers, but I hope and pray—for the first fucking time—that she cherishes that and won’t stomp all over it.
After we get dressed, we switch seats, and I explain to her how to work a stick. Her grunts of frustration are sweet as she shifts through the speeds.
“Feel the engine under you, how it rolls. It tells you when to switch.”
The engine revs so hard, going into overdrive. “That’s what we don’t want to happen. That was too much.”
“I think I got that.”
“Good. Easy there. Now, at the same time, you have to take your foot off the brake and accelerate gently.”
She does that too fast, and the car spurts, propelling her forward only to come to an abrupt stop, stalling out.
A sigh parts her lips, but then she restarts the engine, focusing.
I tell her when it’s the perfect moment to switch gears to get more speed. She’s a quick learner so she gets that as well.
“That’s enough for tonight,” I say after she takes a few laps.
“Thank you. This was an incredible date night,” she says as we exchange places again.
I interlace our fingers over the console, driving like this until we reach the school grounds.
“I want to establish some ground rules for this to work out,” I say, turning to her. “You were a virgin and princess, only gay guys or someone who’s in love with someone else would not want to fuck you.”
“Dane—”
“No, don’t deflect. You let me inside your body…”
She tilts her head, coming to terms with us. “Fine. What do you want to know?”
“What type of relationship do you two have?”
“Not like the one we have.”
What is that supposed to mean?
“Then why are you together?”
“Because we have to be, and I’m not saying more.”
Silence permeates the air while I try to process what that means.
“Six, one, eight, zero,” she says over her shoulder when I park behind the dorm building.
“What?”
She winks at me and rushes inside. Climbing out, I rack my head for what that code could be for when my eyes land on the panel next to her apartment.
I wait until the lights are off and walk by the chaperone.
“I want an autograph. I can’t pretend not to see you every time doing something you’re not supposed to.”
“Fine. You can take a pic too.”
Afterward, I put in the digits, and the door opens with a click. Tiptoeing inside, I follow her lingering, sweet vanilla flowery scent to her bedroom.
I catch her in a state of undressing, and she giggles. “I thought it would take you longer.”
Closing the door, I turn the lock. “Nothing could keep me from coming to you. Especially when you want me to come for you.”
I sweep my gaze around. Books and sketches are scattered on her desk. Decorative pillows line the queen-sized bed, matching the pink rug. The room is just like her: all pink, soft, and feminine.
I approach her desk, and one sketchbook is open, revealing an image of a house renovation plan.
“You’re really talented.”
“Thank you. This is the plan for the mansion. Maybe someday I could make it mine. But I want to preserve the antique architectural style.”
“So is that your dream? To become an architect?”
“Yes, I’ve always liked to draw stuff.”
She’s back in her head. I can read her as if she’s a part of me.
“What am I doing?”
“Living, princess. Just like me.”
She shifts on her feet. “I just don’t want this night to end.”
My feet eat the distance between us. “What are you so afraid of?”
She freezes in my arms. When I find out what’s going on, I know I’m going to blow shit up.