Chapter 5
ELLIE (SOPHOMORE YEAR, HIGH SCHOOL)
Butterflies dance in my stomach as I walk toward the front entrance of my high school.
The sun is shining brightly, the sky is a radiant blue, and there isn’t a cloud in sight.
It’s the perfect day to be outside. Yet, unlike most kids my age, I’m walking toward the same red brick building I spend my weekdays trapped inside.
With a stomach full of swarming insects, apparently.
This is my third Saturday tutoring Nate, but I can’t seem to contain my nerves. It’s not even because of who he is. To be honest, I didn’t even know he was the captain of the football team until last week…or that his father was some big-time prestigious lawyer.
It’s because of how he makes me feel.
Seen.
I can’t describe it, but being around him feels like standing in front of a mirror. It’s as if he understands me without having to say a word. As though he knows what happens behind closed doors and can relate to the nightmare I go home to everyday.
Maybe he can?
When I’m with Nate, the heavy fog clouding my thoughts dissipates. I can feel the relentless weight on my chest lift with just a smile. It’s as though there is camaraderie in our disguised pain. Because something tells me it’s a pain that we share.
He just…brightens my day.
I always find myself reminiscing about my early childhood, about lighter days when laughing came easy.
These past two weeks have felt like those memories.
When I’m tutoring Nate, I’m not battling the shadows that whisper promises of a lonely existence.
I’m not consumed by the fears that blanket my mind.
I laugh. I smile. The silhouette darkening my vision is full of vibrant colors painting the world around me.
The same vivid colors I could see when I was younger.
Before everything changed.
Before I changed.
Before the world became tinted in black and white, purging those vibrant colors from my sight and plunging me into a twilighted existence.
It’s the reason I gave up my Saturdays to tutor.
The darkness can’t follow me here. Being safe is no longer synonymous with being at home, and I needed an excuse not to be there.
I just didn’t expect to be gaining a friendship out of it.
Friendship.
Because there is no way Nate Westin would ever want more from a sophomore nobody like me. He’s just a fantasy, one I can’t wait to tell Katie about when she’s home for the holidays.
God, I miss her.
She’s my person, and the only person I’ve ever really had. My mom spends her days with a wine glass permanently attached to her hand, and my dad…my dad is a nightmare. I don’t have a lot of friends at school. And the ones I do have, I can’t bring home. Not with my dad there.
But Nate? Something about him feels different than everyone else. Like he would go to battle with me, rather than run for the hills.
Get it together Ellie. You spend three days with a guy who is nice to you, and you already put him on a pedestal.
I tear myself from my thoughts as I reach the front of the building, taking a deep breath as I walk through the glass doors.
Unsurprisingly, the hallway is completely empty, causing my footsteps to echo against the bare walls.
I head in the direction of the library, shaking out my sweaty hands as my heart beats erratically.
“Hey, Pip. Wait up,” Nate calls from behind me, causing me to jolt.
I pull myself together and turn around. As soon as our eyes connect, my nerves disappear and everything feels…calm.
“You’re early,” I say with a smirk. “Better be careful or I’ll start thinking that you actually like physics,” I tease, loving the way I can make him laugh. He catches up to me and grabs my elbow, halting my movement.
“No way. Not today, Pip. It’s gorgeous outside. We are taking a little tutoring field trip.”
I raise an eyebrow. “That so? And where exactly are we going?”
“My favorite spot. I can’t tell you. Or I’d have to kill you.” He winks as he turns away, expecting me to follow.
I trail after him, excited to be getting out on a Saturday. More excited to be getting out with Nate Westin, even as my nerves rapid-fire across my body.
Once we exit the building, I begin walking in the direction of my car. It’s not fancy, but I was able to afford a little junker from all my waitressing money last summer.
“This way. I parked on the other end.”
“Oh…I figured I’d just follow you.”
“What kind of gentleman would I be if I let you drive yourself?” He grins, taking my hand and leading me toward his truck. I’ve never held hands with a boy before. His hand is warm and soft and fits perfectly in mine. I know this is just an innocent gesture, but it feels…nice.
We reach his truck, and he opens the passenger door for me. He helps me up onto the lift, still holding my hand the entire time.
“Your chariot…” he jokes, waiting for me to get situated before closing the door. I take a quick look around. All the bells and whistles. This truck probably costs my family’s entire yearly income.
Seconds later, Nate gets situated in the driver’s seat, pulling away from the school and chauffeuring me to some unknown location. I have to admit, saying it like that makes this seem like a really bad idea. But I quickly realize that I don’t feel afraid when I’m with Nate.
“What do you want to listen to?” He hands me his phone with his music app pulled up. I scroll until I find a song I’ve never heard before and press play.
Nate’s head whips over to me, his eyes looking between mine and the road. “Interesting pick.” He laughs, but I can tell by his reaction this song means something to him.
“I’ve never heard it before, but my mom used to listen to Elvis.”
“Used to? Did she pass away?”
“Oh, um…no. She just doesn’t listen to much music anymore.” I don’t want to tell him the truth. Most days she’s passed out on the couch before noon. He nods his head, but it’s clear he’s lost in his thoughts. I can’t help but wonder what triggered his response to this song.
The rest of the car ride is relatively quiet, both of us stuck in our heads. After a few minutes, Nate pulls off the side of the road and onto a slab of gravel.
“I don’t think we are supposed to park here,” I say, confused. There is nothing around us, just a bunch of trees.
Maybe I shouldn’t feel so safe with Nate.
“Nah, it’s fine. No one comes out this way. Come on, let’s go.” He gets out of the truck, grabbing our backpacks, and walks over to the passenger side. He opens the door and offers me his hand, helping me out onto the gravel.
He keeps my hand in his as he walks toward the tree line, pulling us into the woods.
“Is this where you are going to murder me?” I tease, hoping to ease some of the tension that song brought on.
“I can’t tell you that right now. We are still too close to traffic, and someone could hear you scream.” He says it with his best poker face, but I can see how hard he is trying to fight his smile.
“Funny.” I deadpan, trying to fight my smile too.
“Come on, not much farther.”
We keep walking, fighting through trees and bushes on the pathless trek to…wherever he is taking us. There is a clearing up ahead, but I can’t see much beyond the trees. Nate grins as we get closer to what I am assuming is his intended destination.
“Perfect study spot.” He smiles wide, his dimples capturing my attention instead of the place he’s pointing at. I force myself to tear my eyes away and look at our new study hall.
“Wow.” I gasp, staring at the sparkling body of water nestled between the surrounding forest. The lake appears like a tranquil mirror, glistening from the rays of sunlight shining down from the clear blue sky.
The hues of nature are reflected on the mirrored surface, the images distorting as the water ripples with the light breeze.
“What lake is this? I’ve never been here before. ”
Nate pulls out a blanket from his bag and spreads it across the grassy bank. “It’s in the back of my grandma’s property. She passed away years ago, but we kept the house in the family. I like to come here when I just need a place to get away.”
“That sounds nice. Having some place to get away.”
He stares at me for several seconds. His eyes flicker between both of mine as if he’s trying to read my mind.
“You can come here, Pip. When you need a place to get away. I’ll share mine with you.
” He looks down and hides his face before continuing.
“My little sister struggles with anxiety, so I looked up some things that could help her. It’s this thing called the five, four, three, two, one method.
I…I could teach you, if you want.” He keeps his eyes averted, trying not to embarrass me.
My eyes fill at the thought that Nate recognized something in me that my own family has not.
“I’d like that,” I whisper, suddenly overwhelmed with an emotion that I don’t quite understand. Nate Westin just became something to me in this moment. I just don’t know what that is yet.