Chapter 6
ELLIE (PRESENT)
Ican’t walk down that goddamn aisle.
I sit up in bed after another sleepless night.
Thoughts about a conversation I should never have entertained kept me awake until the early morning hours.
Nate’s imposing whisper was the star of last night’s show.
I shiver thinking about his hot breath traveling down my neck, setting my skin on fire.
A fire that is quickly extinguished when I remember how he ended our conversation with words that will implode all of our lives.
The sun glares at me through my bedside window even though it’s only just begun to rise.
The radiant beams feel offensive at this hour, especially as they temporarily blind me.
My eyes water from the intensity, so I throw my pillow over my face to block out the light.
It almost feels intentional, like the sun might actually hate me.
This must be my karma for all of the inappropriate dreams I’ve been having.
My punishment? Forever forced to wake early with the blinding sun beating down on my face.
God, I really need sleep.
It has been four days, and the dark circles under my eyes are starting to take on a life of their own.
Four days and that one little sentence has been playing like a record scratch on my brain.
I hear it when I try to sleep. I hear it the second I wake up.
In the shower. At work. I can’t go five damn minutes without thinking about it.
I pull my hair in frustration. I want to cry about the implications of those words. I want to ignore the thrill that rips through me when I consider his motive for saying them. Then…I want to walk straight into traffic because of the shame I feel for loving that thrill.
He broke me. His past actions set me on a path toward complete self-destruction. What does this say about me? All this man has to do is utter a few semi-confusing words and I am ready to betray my sister for him.
I should have called Katie the second he said it. I should have marched right inside after him and demanded he tell her. So why didn’t I? I’m trying to believe it’s because I don’t want to be responsible for my sister’s pain, but I just don’t know how true that really is.
I need to get a grip. His emotions were elevated, and he probably didn’t even mean it. He couldn’t have meant it. That would break my sister, and I can’t let that happen. She doesn’t deserve it.
What she does deserve is a man who longs to walk down the aisle toward the life he’d have beside her. I’m just not so sure that man is Nate.
I hear my phone ringing from the front of my apartment and toss the white feather duvet off of my body.
I normally hate to part from the luxury it provides, but now it just feels like a heavy burden, suffocating me with its deceitful promise of comfort.
There’s no point in trying to get more sleep, anyway.
Not when the sun is punishing me for my indecent thoughts.
I huff as I roll off the side of my mattress, in no real hurry to get to my phone. In fact, I hope it stops ringing before I even make it outside of my bedroom. There is only one person who would call me this early, and it’s the same person I’ve been avoiding for the past four days.
Katie and I haven’t gone more than a day or two without talking since she left for college.
She moved back home with Nate six months ago, not long after his father died, so we try to see each other at least once a week.
I know she’s confused over my sudden absence.
I just can’t bring myself to face her, but I also can’t hide forever.
We are supposed to be leaving for Brazil in one week.
Nate made it clear that we were still going to get Katie’s dress, and I have no idea how to interpret that.
Why would he want to get her wedding dress if he doesn’t intend on marrying her?
That should satisfy any uncertainty on whether his revelation was authentic.
He’s going to marry her. He has to because it doesn’t make sense otherwise.
But the look on his face told a very different story.
On one hand, I want to hear him out. I’ve always wanted to hear him out. He just never tried to be heard before. On the other hand, I am nauseous just thinking about listening to anything that would hurt Katie.
I sigh in frustration as I make my way down the short hallway to my living room.
I left my phone on the coffee table next to an empty bottle of Merlot.
I’ve taken to self-medicating in my desperate attempt to get a full night of sleep.
Spoiler alert…it didn’t work. Now all I have is a wine headache, a suspiciously bright sun, and a blaring phone at six in the morning.
I grab my phone and plop down on the couch, taking a deep breath as I prepare for this round of twenty questions. I already know she’s going to be pissed.
“Hello?”
“Ellison Grace Hansel! Where the fuck have you been?”
That’s not dramatic or anything.
“Sorry, Katie-cat, I haven’t been feeling well. I didn’t mean to worry you,” I lie. I seem to be doing that a lot more often lately.
“Jesus, Els, I was worried. Let me know next time so I stop blowing up your phone. How are you feeling now?”
“Oh…uh… I’m…I feel a lot better,” I stutter through my deceit. Practice does not, in fact, make perfect. Despite all the half-truths I’ve been delivering lately, my fib game is no stronger than it was two weeks ago.
“Good! Because we are going to dinner tonight. Nathan finally settled his father’s estate, so we are going to celebrate.”
Just the mention of his name induces a minor panic attack. My pulse skyrockets, and waves of heat overwhelm my body. I’m sweaty and shaky, making my fake illness appear a lot more believable right now.
I jump up from the couch and anxiously pace my living room. Is it too early for wine? Time check says it’s six-fifteen.
In the morning.
Some may frown at that… I am not some. I grab a bottle of Malbec and a corkscrew and get to work. “I’m not sure I’m feeling that much better, Katie.” My voice is strained as I work to get the cork out of my salvation.
“Well, you kind of have to come. I invited Dimitri tonight, and I told him you would be there,” she mutters. At least she has the decency to sound apologetic.
Dimitri works with my sister at their law firm, Stokes and Baros.
In fact, his family is Baros. They went to boarding school together, graduated pre-law together, and remained friends while at their respective graduate schools.
She always planned to work for his family’s firm and often interned there on school breaks.
It seemed like she might have been redirecting her plans when they decided to move back home.
Nate’s dad offered her a position with his firm, considering she was going to be family.
I wonder if she knew how that asshole treated his family.
Regardless, after Nathaniel died, she decided to stay with Stokes and Baros.
I was shocked by her decision considering they are Westin & Associates leading competitor.
Katie had garnered quite a reputation early in her education.
The cases she took as an intern showcased her talent for discovery and branded her as a rising star in the courtroom.
Several law firms were vying for her attention long before she passed the bar exam.
The offers only increased during her first year at the firm.
She has a talent for defense and only takes on clients she believes are innocent.
Most young lawyers don’t get that option, but she’s just that good.
It’s likely why Nathaniel wanted her.
He passed away right before she made the transfer, so Katie decided to remain loyal to Baros, staying on with the promise of future partnership.
Nate didn’t take his bar exam, despite the years of schooling.
Nathaniel died weeks before his scheduled testing date, and he opted out after that.
A decision that was shocking to most, but not me.
He never wanted to be his father. He never even wanted to please his father.
The fact that he went away to law school confirms that Nathaniel was firmly in control of him. I just don’t know how.
“What does Dimitri being there have to do with me?” I ask, but I already know the answer.
“Els, come on. Give him a chance? He has such a crush on you, and he is just so sweet. I wouldn’t try to set you two up if he wasn’t genuinely a good guy.”
“A crush, Katie? Are we in middle school? And you know what? If he is so great, why didn’t you ever date him?”
“Funny, Ellie.” She doesn’t sound amused, she sounds disappointed.
“What’s going on, Katie? What is this really about?” I ask gently.
“I just think… I don’t know.” She sighs. “Maybe…if you were seeing someone…it might help. Maybe it would just be good…for everyone.”
I’ve never heard Katie speak so haphazardly before. She is usually the picture of poise, her words are always concise, not…whatever that muddled mess was.
“I’m twenty-five years old. I don’t feel a rush to meet someone and get married. I’m perfectly content to be single right now.” It’s the truth. I’ve never felt compelled to be in a serious relationship with anyone. Not since Nate. I have tried, but it never felt right.
Because you never stopped loving him.
My inner voice needs to learn how to shut the fuck up.
“I’m sorry, El. I know. I just…Nathan is everything to me.”
“That’s great…I’m happy for you.” My lie is laced with confusion. I’m not sure where she is going with this.
“I think if you found your person, things would be easier,” she states quietly.
“What…things? And for who?”
Her silence is deafening. I can hear my heart beating rapidly in my chest as I wonder if this is when she is going to clamp her jaws.
“Nothing. Just…can we forget I said anything? No worries about dinner tonight. I’ll let Dimi know.”
“No, no…it’s ok. I’ll go. Who knows? Maybe he will be the most epic love of my life,” I joke to lighten the mood.
I don’t really want to go, but I don’t want to give Katie a reason to worry.
She clearly feels threatened by my poorly veiled attraction to her fiancé.
I don’t want her to think I would interfere with her relationship, regardless of Nate’s cryptic admission.
She’s the only person that has never hurt me, and I owe her my loyalty above all else.
“Thank you, Els, I’ll see you tonight at seven. We are going to Mitchel’s on seventh avenue.” She hangs up quickly, but not before I can hear her soft sniffle filter through the line.
I grab the bottle of Malbec and drink straight from the source. If I get drunk now, I’ll be sober again by dinner. I definitely need the liquid courage to get through the rest of the day without bailing on plans tonight.
Katie loves Nate. Nate loves Katie. And right now, I’m nothing more than a complication.
I moved back to my hometown several month ago and thought that exposing myself to their relationship would help me move on.
Years of suffering eventually numbed me of all feelings, so it should have been easy enough to finally let go.
But every time our eyes meet, that invisible cord tethering my soul to his tugs at my chest and brings my heart back to life.
A heart that should hate him. If only it still belonged to me.
I gave it away nine years ago, and now it only beats for him.
So…I guess I just have to stop the beating.
I love Katie, and I need to put her first. I would do anything for her, even if it means breaking my own heart.