Chapter 44
KATIE (PRESENT)
The grass is soggy with morning dew, causing water to seep into the sides of my black high heels. My feet slip in and out of my shoes as I walk, causing my ankle to scrape against the unforgiving plastic material. I’m going to have several blisters before today is over with.
I welcome the pain.
I would take physical pain over this heart-wrenching ache I am feeling any day. Everyday. If it could change the outcome, the reality of what’s happening right now? I would beg for a thousand blisters and greet the pain with a smile each morning.
I let out a small hiccup, and quickly cup my hands to my mouth, trying desperately to rein in my tears. I can’t cry yet. Once I’m alone, I can let it out. Right now, I need to be strong. I need to wear a mask. I need to be the Katie everyone expects me to be.
The weight of my sorrow presses down on my chest until it feels like I’m drowning.
Like everyone around me is watching me inhale water into my lungs, but they do nothing to stop it.
Black circles dance along my vision, and my head feels weightless.
I drag a long breath through my nose, praying it relieves me of the crushing heaviness in my heart.
One of the other guests walks by, bumping my elbow as he passes.
It knocks me out of my trance, and I take a huge gasping breath, as though I’d been holding it for minutes.
The crushing sensation finally passes, and my vision returns to normal.
I bend over, clutching my stomach while taking in mouthfuls of oxygen I’d been neglecting myself.
I stand upright before I cause a scene—fixing my mask. Bending my head back, I look up to the clouds. Are they up there? Does life after death truly exist? For them? For me?
Grey clouds scatter across the sky, casting a dusky ambiance while darkening the once luminous sun. A thunderstorm is brewing. I can smell it in the air as it churns in the muggy breeze. I welcome the unintended drama it brings to such a miserable, melancholy day.
It’s the day I bury my fiancé and my sister.
I gasp, the thought causing the icy grip of grief to squeeze my heart, so tight I feel as though it’s stopped beating altogether. This can’t be happening. I want this unbearable nightmare to end. I want to wake up cuddled into Nate’s chest. I want to call my sister and make plans for my wedding.
A wedding I no longer get to have.
A wedding I was never going to have.
Rather than accept that, I sent my sister and the man I love to their deaths. They died because I refused to recognize what was right in front of my face. Nathan loved Ellie. She was the girl, the one he would always love more than me. The reason he could never truly give me his heart.
I should have been on that plane. I should have died next to my sister.
Instead, I sent her off with the man who loved her.
I was testing her. I put her in the position to hurt me, just so I could prove to myself that there is no one in this world I can truly trust. A truth I believed before meeting Nathan, and one I should have never forgotten.
Everyone you care about will eventually hurt you.
Including my sister.
Even if she had feelings for Nathan, my actions were undeserving.
She’s my best friend, and I set her up to fail.
I set her up to hurt me so that I could wipe my hands of both of them.
So that I could protect the most broken parts of me.
I was so ready to close my heart off to everyone that I didn’t even try to understand.
I loved her more than anything.
Even more than Nathan.
Now she’s gone…and it’s my fault.
I can’t hold it back anymore. I kick my heels off, then pick them up and run. I run away from the plot where they are lowering two empty caskets into the ground. Caskets meant for two people that I’ll never get to say goodbye to.
Tears roll down my cheeks before I can make it away from the funeral crowd. My mother calls after me, but I ignore her. I keep running, my body overwhelmed with sobs.
I’m dying.
I’m fucking dying.
Everything inside me is shattering.
I’m wrecked. I’m wrecked, and I will never be okay.
“Please.” I look up at the sky, my words thick with tears.
“Please God, please. I want them back. I want her back.” I drop to my knees in the wet grass, lying down when I feel the first raindrops hit my face.
I pull my knees to my chest as thunder roars in the distance.
My shoulders heave from the force of my tears.
“It’s not fair! It’s not fucking fair!” I shout to no one.
To everyone. To whatever higher power took them from me.
I lie here as the world around me disappears, and the Priest’s prayer turns into a whispered hum.
I lie here weeping, thinking how it’s my sister I would turn to at this moment, a cruel reminder of my current reality.
I lie here when I hear the funeral attendees head back to their cars, gravel crunching as they drive away.
I lie here as the heavy rain mixes with my heavy sobs.
I lie here and fall apart.
When I finally pull myself off the cemetery lawn, I fix my hair and makeup in my car, and head over to the Westin mansion. Emmy volunteered her home for a shared reception.
It never made sense to me, having a party after a funeral. What are we supposed to be celebrating? The loss of people we loved? I’m not celebrating, I’m fucking grieving. I’m fucking dying. How are people expected to eat and drink after watching the caskets of their loved ones enter the earth?
I don’t want to be there. I want to grab a bottle of tequila and go home. Take a nice long drunken bath and let the liquor help me forget. I don’t even fucking drink, and I want to be so drunk that I forget about the hell I’m living.
I pull into the driveway of the man I hate—a man who is no longer living—and wonder if this is some sort of karma. I celebrated the day he died. Prayed for it, honestly. When I got the news, I didn’t shed a single tear.
Now I stand outside of his house and celebrate the death of his son. Of my sister.
I walk inside the front doors and make my rounds. I’m pulled in all directions, everyone wanting to offer their sympathies. Everyone wanting an exclusive with the girl who lost everything. I’m overwhelmed and about two seconds from a panic attack.
I fight my way through the crowd and out the back door. I take a deep breath of the fresh air but inhale cigarette smoke instead.
“Hey, Katie girl.”
Ash.
“Hi, Ash.” My voice is husky from all of my tears. “I thought you quit?”
“I did.” He scoffs. “For a while. I guess losing your best friend in a plane crash sort of fucks with your commitment to ditch old habits,” he nods down at my glass of champagne, “thought you don’t drink?”
“I don’t. My fa—my stepfather is an alcoholic. Mom, too, she’s recovering though. I try to stay away from it, but…”
He lets out a harsh laugh. “Yeah…but.” He puts out his cigarette and flicks it in the grass. “I’m going to go inside to look for Ems. You good out here, doll?”
“I’m good, Ash.”
He turns to walk inside, squeezing my shoulder as he passes.
“Hey, Asher?” He stops, raising a brow in question.
“I…I know. About Nate…and Ellie…all of it. I know I wasn’t getting married.
So…so you don’t have to feel weird knowing that and not telling me.
I just…I hope I still get to see you sometime.
” I shrug, feeling stupid for guilting Nate’s best friend into keeping in touch with me.
Ash walks back over to me and takes me in his arms. He hugs me close to his body, bending his head to whisper in my ear.
“He loved you, Katie. So damn much. I promise, he never wanted to hurt you.” He kisses the side of my head.
“And I love you too, doll. So yes, you’ll still see me.
Sometimes…all the time…whenever you want. I’m here. Always.”
I can’t stop the sob I release as I clutch the best friend of the man I love.
A man who is no longer alive. A man who died in the most terrifyingly tragic way.
What was he thinking when the plane went down?
Did he hold Ellie’s hand? Did they have a chance to say goodbye to each other?
Was it quick? Did they know it was coming?
God, it hurts. It hurts so fucking bad. My shoulders shake as I sob against Asher’s shoulder, drenching his white shirt with my tears.
I can’t breathe. My nose is clogged and my eyes are swollen, and I just wish I could goddamn breathe.
Ash rubs his hand up and down my back, letting me break apart in his arms.
Several minutes pass before I finally pull back.
“Thank you,” I whisper, my voice raspy with tears.
“I’ve got you. Always.” He leans forward, kissing my forehead and squeezing my hand before he walks back into the house.
I’m not ready to go back inside yet, so I walk around the yard over to where the old swing set sits. There’s a man sitting on one of the swings, but I couldn’t care less at this point. I walk up to the swing next to him and take a seat, getting a whiff of something strong.
He’s smoking a joint.
He takes one look at my face and hands it over to me without a word.
I take it from him, my fingers buzzing when they connect with his.
He feels familiar…but new. Our eyes lock, and I feel an inexplicable connection as goosebumps trail up my arm.
I can’t begin to explain what is happening, but I sever the connection, looking away and bringing the joint to my lips. I inhale deeply…
Then cough. A lot.
He takes the joint from my hand, tucking his face into his shoulder to hide his laughter. “First time?” he asks in a deep, raspy voice.
“I’ve…yeah. I’ve never smoked before.”
“Oh yeah? So why now?” he asks sarcastically. Clearly, we are both at a reception for two young people that died tragically.
“Could have something to do with my sister and my fiancé dying on the same day.”