Chapter 44 #2
“Ah, so you’re the infamous Katie.”
“And you are?” I ask, curiosity getting the best of me.
“Someone who should have already met you,” he answers regrettably. “Someone who should have been around a lot more.”
“Are you…are you family?”
“That’s one way to put it. Not sure if Nathan would agree. We hardly know…knew each other, anymore.”
“His headstone says Nate,” I blurt out. He looks over at me, his blue eyes bright despite the darkening skies.
He raises his brow and tilts his head in question.
“I…um, I made sure it said Nate. It’s what he preferred to be called.
It’s what my sister called him. I guess it turns out I didn’t know him all that well either. ”
“Why would your sister know what he preferred to be called?” he asks, confused by my rambling.
“Because he loved her,” I say, emotionless. His eyebrows shoot up his forehead.
“Your fiancé loved your sister?” he asks incredulously.
My eyes start to burn as unshed tears blur my vision. “Yes,” I whisper, letting the pain of that statement seep into my words. “He loved her his whole life, and he was never going to marry me,” I finally admit out loud.
To a complete stranger.
“Jesus. That…that’s a lot.”
I shrug, letting the tears fall from my eyes.
“Listen…I, um…I have a plane to catch. Are you going to be okay? Do you need me to get someone?” he asks, worried about leaving me here alone.
“I’ll be fine. I think I’d rather be alone right now anyway,” I whisper back, swiping at the tears that are now streaming down my face.
He stands up from the swing, and I can feel his eyes are on me, but don’t look his way. He waits a few seconds before leaning over to trace one of the tears trailing down my cheek, wiping it away. I shudder at the contact.
“I hardly know a thing about you, but for what’s worth, I can already tell.”
“Tell what?” My gaze meets his.
“My brother was an idiot.” He turns and walks away, leaving me with my mouth gaping wide open.
His brother?
It’s after midnight by the time I make it back to the cemetery. I follow the path to the slabs of concrete meant to remember the two people I loved most. They aren’t here, though. That type of closure I’ll never get to have. Their bodies will always be out there, somewhere.
It’s been two months, and the investigation hasn’t turned up anything. They have no idea where the plane crashed. They assume it was over a body of water, but air traffic control lost communication with the plane, so it’s hard to say.
I’m not sure if it would be easier to know exactly what happened. I like to tell myself it was quick. That the plane crashed into the side of a mountain, and no one even knew what was happening. If I knew any differently, I’m not sure I could stomach it.
I walk over to Nate’s stone first, each step feeling heavier than the next. We ordered their grave markers weeks ago, already knowing we had lost them. We didn’t hold a service until the search was called off and we were able to legally declare them dead.
Dead.
They’re dead.
God, it hurts to even think.
“Hi, my love,” I say to no one. Part of me feels silly for talking to a plot of land, but I have nowhere else to talk to him. My heart longs for him to respond, to give me a sign that he’s still with me. “It’s me, Katie,” I whisper, my voice barely above a breath.
I kneel down beside his grave, caressing the stone as if he could feel me. I close my eyes, remembering the sound of his voice, his laughter. Remembering the way his eyes crinkled in the corners when he smiled, or how his dimples would appear when I did something he found amusing.
“I miss you so much. So, so much. I don’t know how I’m supposed to keep going without you.
Without my sister.” My voice is stifled by the tears I can no longer control.
“An existence without you feels impossible, Nathan. You…you were my person.” I cry, the words no longer coherent.
“Life without you, it’s suffocating me. I feel like I can’t take a full breath.
Like…I’m not going to make it out of this alive. ”
I fall forward onto his grave, sobs wracking my body.
“Why didn’t you just leave me? Why did you have to hurt me too?
Why did you have to lie to me!? Why did you have to die and leave me here to feel all this pain!
? It’s not fair! I’m…I’m so, so mad at you, Nathan.
” My words are garbled, unintelligible. I lie on his grave, sobbing for several minutes, or hours, I’m not sure.
I feel depleted of all emotion, of all anger, of all pain.
I just feel broken. All the parts of me that he fixed, they crack in the center and turn to dust. I stand up and look at his grave one last time.
“I love you, Nathan Westin. But I don’t think I can ever forgive you,” I whisper before turning away.
I walk over to my sister’s grave. Her name etched into the stone feels like pretend, like make-believe. Like I’m living through a simulation of grief and this can’t possibly be real.
I can’t stay here. I can’t accept that she’s gone. I’m not ready for that. Not yet.
“I’m so sorry, Ellie. I love you,” I say, turning away and walking back to my car.