Chapter 45
Idrop down in the sand next to Nate, snuggling under his arm and resting my head on his shoulder.
He wants to watch the sunset on the beach before walking back to our camp.
We still have several hours until the sun sets, but we already finished most of our chores for the day.
We haven’t had a beach day in a while, so I am happy to sit on the shoreline and watch the waves under the hot sun.
We usually don’t stay out after dark, but it’s the day we officially became a couple.
Over nine years ago.
Nate walked into the school library expecting a nerdy tutor to help him pass physics. I signed up to tutor on Saturdays so that I could escape Chris on the weekends.
Our lives changed that day.
No matter what happened between then and now, I wouldn’t take it back for anything. I love this man. I love him more than I’ve ever loved anyone in my life. Loving him is as easy as breathing.
But breathing isn’t always easy.
Letting go of our past wasn’t effortless. I know that Nate thought he was making the right decision, but that doesn’t take away the harm that decision caused me.
I spent countless nights crying myself to sleep, replaying prom night until I felt like the pain would consume me.
Those were the nights Randy came to me.
He might have numbed my mind, but he couldn’t numb my body. The sadness and anger still lingered in that broken part of my soul, allowing my body to recognize the disgust at what was happening to me.
Like clockwork, Randy would put on his pants and walk out of my bedroom door. I would walk to the bathroom and vomit for the rest of the night.
I won’t ever forget those moments, the worst moments of my life.
I can forgive him for them, though. He spent eight years trying to get back to me and make things right.
I can’t discount the hurdles he went through to find his way back to me.
I can’t ignore the way my heart started to beat again the first time he kissed me after eight years apart.
The truth is, I forgave him long before he told me the circumstances surrounding those decisions. I forgave him because there was not a single part of me that ever truly moved on from him.
“What are we going to do if we get rescued?” I ask, still laying my head on his shoulder.
“When we get rescued,” he corrects. “What do you mean, what are we going to do?”
“Are we…are we going to hide this? Us? From Katie? Until you end things with her?”
His expression is somber as he clenches his jaw.
“I won’t spend another second hiding how much I love you.
Not in this life, not in the next. You’re mine, Pip.
They could separate us in death, sending me straight to hell.
I would climb my way out of those fiery pits, taking on the fucking devil himself to get back to you.
When we walk off this island, it will be hand-in-hand. ”
“I don’t want to hurt her,” I murmur quietly. I want that so badly, to start our lives together when we leave here. But I can’t forget the woman mourning us both at home.
“I don’t either, Pip. She means so much to me.
” He shakes his head, his eyes turning red.
“She made living without you a little more bearable,” he says, letting out a small snort.
“I didn’t know it at the time, but it was because she reminded me of you.
Your appearance, your mannerisms, your heart.
But she was still a galaxy away from my heart.
You’ve had complete ownership since I was eighteen years old.
So as much as this will hurt her, I won’t live my life protecting someone else. Not anymore.”
“We’ll explain though, right? We’ll tell her everything?” My vision starts to blur. I love Katie so much, and she doesn’t deserve this.
If Nathaniel Westin wasn’t already dead, I would kill him myself.
“Yeah, Pip. We will tell her everything. In time, I think she will forgive us. I think she will realize I was not the right man for her.”
I nod my head, trying to believe the lie. “What if we don’t make it?”
“Then we will spend our lives on this island. Loving each other, being together, the way we’ve always wanted.”
“No…I mean, what if…what if we don’t make it.”
He shakes his head. “Not happening.”
“But what if…”
“Then I will find you in our next life. I will find you in every life. And if this is the only one we get? Then I will find you in whatever afterlife we’re given.”
I let the tears fall from my eyes, digging deeper into the side of the man I love so much. A man I couldn’t possibly live without.
“Really hoping that doesn’t involve crawling out of the pits of hell.” I sniffle, trying to lighten the heavy mood I created.
He locks his jaw, losing himself in his thoughts. “Even if I did something worthy of burning in hell, I would find my way to you, Pip.” He smiles tightly, and I’m confused by his reaction.
“Did you do something worthy of burning in hell?” I say, knocking his shoulder with mine, keeping things light.
He looks at me, like he’s deciding what to say. “I hurt you, didn’t I?”
I laugh. “Well, you’re forgiven, so I expect you to be in heaven right next to me.”
“Deal.” He leans over, kissing me on the forehead. “What do you have cooking over there?”
“Oh. OH! Hang on…” I run over to where I have our metal pot—made from parts of the plane—sitting near the bonfire. I grab the hot metal with a rolled up T-shirt and run back over to Nate with a cheesy smile on my face. I pour the steaming liquid into a bamboo cup. “Drink!” I say, smiling big.
He takes the cup from me and raises an eyebrow. “What am I drinking?” he asks, trusting me enough to take a sip. He scrunches his face, but swallows anyway.
“Chacruna and Ayahuasca stew.” I grin smugly, feeling proud of myself.
“Baby, I say this with love, and extremely limited confidence in whatever you’re feeding me, but what the fuck is that? And why the hell does it taste like this?”
I take the cup from him and take a large sip, wrinkling my nose at the taste. “Because we’re going on a trip, baby.”
“A trip?”
“Yep. Chacruna and Ayahuasca are ingredients. Shamans used them in the stew you’re drinking. It’s an indigenous Amazonian recipe.”
“Is it supposed to taste good? Because we have some fish that I can—”
“It’s a psychedelic stew.” I giggle. “Happy anniversary, baby.” I spread my arms out in a “ta-da” motion.
His eyebrows shoot up his forehead, and he lets out a gruff laugh. He takes the cup from my hands and takes a much larger sip this time. “Well shit. Ok, Pip…let’s go on that trip.”
I laugh, stealing the cup back and taking another large sip.
Several minutes later, I feel warmth spreading through my body.
The vivid colors around me start to intensify.
The ocean becomes a hue of different blues and greens, the waves shooting forward, transforming into a large hand that picks me up and sweeps me away.
I giggle as I ride on top of the hand-shaped wave, watching colorful fish jump out around me.
I look up at the sky and observe as the clouds morph into cheeseburgers and hot dogs.
Yum.
I really, really want a hot dog.
I start laughing hysterically as I shout at my new fish friends, “Makes me want a hot dog real bad,” in my best Jennifer Coolidge voice.
I look behind me and see Nate running up and down the beach flapping his wings.
Hmm…when did Nate get wings? “Fly, baby, fly!” I shout, but Nate’s no longer there.
Suddenly I’m back on the sand, the tiny beige crystals sucking me into the ground.
I turn my head to my left and see Nate lying beside me.
He swats at the air, laughing at whoever he is talking to.
I feel good, weightless and dazed, enjoying the sensations running through my body. I start to draw patterns in the sand around me, each design coming to life before my very eyes.
“Nate, look!” I point at the ship made of sand edging its way to the water. “Think we can sail it home?”
“Why would we want to go home when we live in this beautiful castle?” he asks me, pointing to the castle made of ice in front of us.
“Yeah, you’re right,” I say, waving goodbye to the ship.
“Do you think that fate is alive?” Nate asks. “Like they are tiny little people living in the clouds, deciding what happens to us all?”
“Maybe the universe is alive. There’s an entire world up there, and it’s where we all go when we die.”
“Yeah, I think you’re right. We’ll have our own little section of the sky one day, Ellie.”
“I think I’d love that,” I whisper back, as a large gorilla walks past us on the beach.
We lay there for the next hour, kissing and laughing as the drug works its way out of our bodies. Eventually, the clouds take back their normal form, and the sand lets go of our bodies. The sun dips lower in the horizon, painting the sky a beautiful orangish-pink.
We start to come down from our high right in time to watch the sunset.
I look over at Nate. “Let’s never do that again.”
“You’re telling me. A goddamn Pac-Man was chasing me.”
“Pac-Man? I thought you were trying to fly.”
We both burst out laughing, telling each other the ridiculous things we’d hallucinated.
We sit up, wiping the sand off of our arms. Nate pulls me in front of him, opening his legs so that I can rest against his chest. I lean my head back, searching for a kiss that he happily obliges.
I close my eyes, letting the remaining warmth of the sun envelope my body.
The happiness I feel with the man behind me seeps into my soul.
It doesn’t matter that we are stranded on an island thousands of miles away from home.
This was the perfect way to celebrate the beginning of us.
This moment of togetherness, in our own little private paradise, is unlike any other experience we could have as a couple. We get to escape the chaos of life and connect in a way that the conveniences of the real world would never allow.
We found peace here.
The sun continues to descend, kissing the horizon and transforming the skies in front of me. It’s the most beautiful picture I’ve ever seen.
I hear Nate start to hum behind me, a tune I’m all too familiar with. He wraps his arms around me, lightly swaying us back and forth.
“Wise men say…” he leans forward, whispering the song in my ear. My eyes fill as I remember so vividly the last time I heard this song.
He sings the entire song, rocking us gently as we watch the sunset.
And I fall even more in love with the man who already has my entire heart and soul.