Chapter 46
The sun dips low on the horizon and casts a golden canopy over the peaceful suburban neighborhood. I push down my anxiety as it fights to take control of the wheel and turn my car around.
This street isn’t familiar. These houses aren’t dilapidated. But driving down this road produces the same dread…the same unease, as if I were driving toward the house that sheltered me my entire childhood.
Memories flood my mind, the ones I’ve suppressed for over seven years. The memories that caused scars so deep I was never able to heal. Memories I never planned to confront. People I never planned to see again.
Is he here? Will I see him while I’m home? Does he miss me the way I miss him? Those memories, those questions…they hurt.
Is he here? Will I see him while I’m home? Will he try to touch me the way he used to? Those memories, those questions…incite fear.
I shake off my walk-down-trauma-lane and follow my GPS around the bend of a quaint little cul-de-sac.
I double check the address before pulling into the driveway of a small, cozy ranch-style home.
The first thing I notice is that the driveway is intact.
There is no bumpy bull ride to the top. No worries of a flat tire.
The shingles hang perfectly; the lawn is cut beautifully.
Vibrant flower beds decorate the landscape, and an apple tree sits in the middle of the yard.
I’m happy for her.
I’m happy she is okay.
I grip my steering wheel hard, causing my knuckles to turn white. I’m already parked; the engine is off. All I have to do is open the car door and step outside, but my hands stay glued to the wheel in front of me. My fingers start to tingle from my death grip, and I fight to pull my hands away.
Deep breaths.
Five things I see, four things I feel, three things I hear, two things I smell, one thing I taste.
My panic finally subsides, and I can feel my hands again. I open my car door and walk toward the front entrance. The cool breeze brushes against my skin, causing goosebumps that feel far too ominous.
My intuition is screaming at me. Something is coming. Something bad. Something that is going to change me. I should never have come home. I should have just made a separate trip, one that didn’t bring me back in reach of the people who hurt me.
Too late now.
I knock on the front door, and it pushes open on its own. I step inside my mom’s new home, and I’m hit with an aroma that brings me back to my early childhood. The nostalgia nearly brings tears to my eyes. It’s a memory I didn’t even realize I missed.
Chocolate chip cookies.
Mom hasn’t made cookies since I was about six, so the scent takes me by surprise. To be fair, this is my first time coming home since I left for college nearly six years ago. She could have turned into Betty Crocker for all I know.
I graduated with my Bachelor of Science in Nursing last year and was offered a position near my apartment. Three hours away from this place isn’t far enough, but it was easy to come home when I needed to.
I never needed to.
I just took a position at the local hospital and will be transferring back in a few weeks. The pay is much better in a bigger city, and Katie will be moving this way as well. Katie said Mom is excited to have us both home, but I can’t say the same.
Mom and Dad filed for separation not long after I left for school. I don’t know the details surrounding the split, but I don’t really care. Five years later, no divorce papers have been signed.
Not my business.
My mom had reached out several times since I’d left home. I know she is desperate to fix our relationship. She left a long voicemail once, filled with apologies I never asked for. Apologies I’ll never accept.
I never called her back.
Too little, too late.
Her prolonged separation from my father says all I need to know. The only reason I’m here is because my sister is coming home with her fiancé. They’ve been together for a year and a half, yet none of us have met him. That stings more than I am willing to admit.
Katie and I have always been best friends, balancing each other perfectly.
I was always the grounded one. Katie was always the dreamer, fantasizing about escaping our family home, the two of us starting a life of our own.
She had her head in the clouds, and I was rooted here on planet earth.
Growing up, she was protective of me, shielding me from the hell she was living.
Sheltering me from Chris’s toxicity, from my mother’s neglect.
I think that’s why she dreamed so big. Because she was dreaming away the nightmare.
She was dreaming for the both of us.
Then she went to that special school, and things were never the same.
Something changed when she turned eighteen.
It felt as though something sinister happened her senior year of high school, darkening those dreams she once had.
She became a shadow of her former self, her bright eyes dimmed, her wide smile diminished.
When she left for college, she left a new person.
She dyed her hair blonde, she wore baggy clothes, almost as if she were trying to extinguish the girl she once was.
Life had finally broken her.
After she met her mysterious fiancé, her personality transformed into that of your typical it-girl. I didn’t like who she was becoming, but at least she was smiling again.
But getting engaged? After just a little over a year? This seems extreme even for the “new” Katie. I can’t help but think she is running from her old life, from the events that shaped her, from the person she used to be. I know her well enough to know that she’s wearing a mask.
Just like Nate.
When she called me to tell me about her engagement, she was so overcome with joy, it practically radiated through the phone.
I couldn’t help but feel a surge of frustration.
It almost felt like a betrayal. I lost her.
I lost her years ago, and some random man just strolled right on in, taking my spot as her person.
It makes me want to hate him before I even meet him.
The floor creaks behind me, and I whip my head around, the tension of this town putting me on edge. My mother stands there, her eyes glassy as she looks me up and down. We continue to stare at each other for several seconds, unmoving, no words.
She looks…good. She looks healthy. She’s put on some weight, as if her diet consists of more than just red wine now. When our eyes meet again, hers sparkle with warmth and love.
She hasn’t looked at me like that since I was a child.
Part of me wants to run into her arms and forget every bad memory.
The other part of me wants to walk back out the door, giving her my back just to hurt her.
The pull to stay is stronger, so I step forward, cautiously.
The air is thick with unspoken words and silent regrets.
“Ellie,” my mother finally breathes, so much emotion clogging her voice. We both step forward, meeting within an arm’s length of each other. “I’ve missed you so much, baby girl. So, so much.”
She’s sober.
She moves even closer and wraps her arms around me. Her scent is familiar, but different. Gone is the strong odor of alcohol that would cling to her body like perfume. She smells like my mama. The one who held me when I had nightmares. The one who sang me lullabies before bed.
Her hug is hesitant at first, but as soon as I return it, she tightens her grip. “I’m so sorry,” she whispers, her voice trembling. “I’m so, so sorry.”
I want to tell her it’s okay, but I can’t. I want to forgive her, but I won’t. We aren’t there, and we may never get there.
“Where’s Katie?” I ask, clearing my throat, my voice thick with emotion.
“Please…” Mom replies, her voice cracking a little.
“Not now. Not today. Today is Katie’s day.”
She nods her head, respecting my request. “She should be arriving here shortly.”
Just then, the front door opens and slams closed, aggressively. Mom’s eyebrows shoot up her forehead, alarmed at the abrupt entry.
“Heard my stepdaughter is bringing home a fancy ass fiancé. Figured I’d come by and meet him. Seems she owes me for sending her away to all those rich, uppity schools,” a voice I never wanted to hear again utters behind me.
“Chris. What the hell are you doing here? You aren’t supposed to come to this house. Ever. That was part of the deal!”
Deal? What deal?
“You don’t get to exclude me from this little family reunion, Diane.” He moves his gaze to me, finally noticing that I’m here. “Hi, Ellie, how’s my little girl?” He smirks, like he knows how uncomfortable he makes me.
My mom moves to stand in front of me. “Don’t you fucking start!”
“You didn’t tell me Chris was going to be here,” a new voice interrupts. My sister. She’s standing behind Chris, frozen in fear.
She must have snuck in while my parents were arguing.
My dad turns around to face her, and stumbles backwards.
“The fuck…” he says angrily, staring at the man standing next to her.
When he turns back to my mother, his face is a mixture of shock and rage…
and maybe a little fear. “The hell with this.” He sneers, his face turning pale, as if he’s seen a ghost. Then without any explanation, he walks out the front door.
Well, that was… strange.
His absence allows me to see my sister and her fian—
No.
No. Please God, no. This is not happening. This can’t be happening.
“Nate,” I whisper, so quietly I don’t think anyone can hear.
“You know my fiancé?” Katie asks, her voice still wobbling as she recovers from the shock of seeing Chris here.
“We went to high school together,” Nate interrupts before I even have a chance to answer.
He’s the picture of cool, calm, and collected.