Chapter 8
Jay
Iwatch Aiden take a slow sip of his iced tea. There’s a tightness in his jaw and a shadow behind his eyes.
“Well, start with what happened after I left,” I say, trying to keep my voice light.
I don’t know if I’m ready to hear this, but I need to.
He breathes out slowly. “It was hell. My life changed the moment you were pushed out of our front door. My father locked me down tight. He took away everything — phone, computer, internet access. He wouldn’t even let me spend time with anyone outside of church.”
“Did he make you go to therapy?”
Aiden nods. “He threatened to send me to a conversion therapy camp, but after I begged him not to and promised I’d do what he asked, he made me go into counseling instead. The douchebag he sent me to told me to pray the gay away, and if that didn’t work, I’d have to live a life of celibacy.”
I’m trying so hard not to get angry thinking about what he went through, clenching my fists. “I’ll never understand that.”
There’s a deep sadness in his eyes. “I felt completely alone, with no one to talk to and no way to reach out. I wasn’t allowed to tell anyone the truth, and no one at school understood what was going on with me. Senior year is a blur that I barely remember.”
My heart sinks, knowing how hard that time was for both of us. “I’m so sorry. I wish I could have been there with you. Did your mom do anything to help?”
He meets my eyes with a look of resignation. “She tried in her own way, but she wouldn’t defy my father. She told me she loved me, but she also hoped I’d grow out of it. It wasn’t rejection like my father’s, but it still hurt.”
“So, how’d you get through it?”
A hint of a smile appears. “James and Luke. I spent a lot of time with them, playing games and taking them hiking. I wouldn’t have survived without them.”
Aiden’s twin brothers are ten years younger than he is, and he’s always had a soft spot for them. When I knew them, James was bursting with energy and a chatterbox, while Luke was quiet and tenderhearted. I’m glad he had them.
Aiden goes on. “Other than that, I just kept my head down. My father made me go to community college and live at home so he could keep an eye on me. He also made me join that college ministry tied to the church. On the surface, I tried to be the model son, but inside, I was suffocating.
“I was able to get some freedom, though. He couldn’t watch me 24/7.
“It took me weeks to get the nerve, but I found a Pride group on campus. I was terrified to talk to anyone, but then I met this girl, Paige. She was the first person since you I could really talk to and just be myself.”
It tears me apart that he speaks so matter-of-factly when recounting one of the most painful times in his life.
I can sense where this story is going, but I ask anyway, “And then what happened? Your dad found out?”
He gives me a weary look. “Yeah. One of the ministry leaders saw me at a Pride picnic, wearing a rainbow T-shirt, and told him. My father gave me a choice: I could either deny who I was and go into intensive therapy, or get out of the house. I chose to leave.”
That guts me. “What about your mom? Didn’t she try to do something?”
He shakes his head. “She begged him to let me stay, but he wouldn’t budge.” His voice hitches. “Saying bye to the twins almost broke me. My mom promised we’d stay in touch, and we have, but my father won’t let me see or talk to the boys at all.”
“God, I’m so sorry. You said you talked to your mom. When was the last time you saw her?”
“It’s been a long time,” he answers, staring off into the distance. “I saw her a few times before I left Rochester, and only once since then. We mostly text, and talk a few times a year.”
I catch the pain in his eyes when he mentions her. He was always close to his mom. Until the twins were born, it was just the two of them, since his dad worked all the time. I can’t imagine not seeing my mom or Heather. That kind of distance would crush me.
“So, where’d you go?”
“I stayed with Paige for a few months to finish my freshman year, but after that, I needed out of there. She had a friend in Brooklyn looking for another roommate, so I jumped at the chance. I’d worked at a coffee shop in Rochester, and I found a barista job near the townhouse I shared with my roommates. ”
“What were they like?”
He smiles. “Oh my God, they were so great. I was closest to Dan, who was also gay, and he took me to my first club.”
He laughs, looking up as he recalls what seems like a fond memory. “Man, that was an eye-opening experience. I hadn’t been with anyone other than you, and I was hit on in the first ten minutes by at least a dozen guys.”
Raising an eyebrow, I give him a gesture, like, Duh, has he seen how hot he is?
“Yeah, I bet. So, first time with someone else, how was it?” I ask, curious.
He chuckles, his eyes locking on mine. “You really want to hear about that?”
“Well, maybe not the play-by-play,” I admit, squirming in my seat. “But how you felt about it.”
Aiden looks at his hands, flexing his fingers. “It felt wrong when I first kissed another guy. Like I was betraying you.”
I fiddle with my napkin, feeling awkward. “I felt the same way,” I say quietly. “It took me a long time to try with someone else.”
A heavy silence settles between us.
I hesitate, then force my way past the knot in my throat, my voice strained. “Did you ever try to find me?”
Pain marks his eyes as he looks up. “I thought about it every day, especially after I moved to the city. But something always held me back. I didn’t know what happened to you, or what reaching out might do to your life.”
He swallows. “And honestly, I think I was protecting myself.
“If there were even a chance that you’d reject me, I wouldn’t have survived it. Not after losing my family.”
My tears flow, and I see his tears reflecting mine. Our father’s demands and expectations did more than just separate us; they carved wounds that have never healed.
“Did you try to find me?” he asks, barely looking at me.
I take a shaky breath, trying to steady my voice more than I feel. “My biggest fear was reaching out and ruining your life,” I admit, hoping he believes me.
“Once I got to college and had more freedom, I tried to find you on social media, but nothing came up. I even checked the church’s website once.
Under your dad’s bio, you weren’t in the family photo or even mentioned.
It was as if you’d been erased. I worried what that meant, but I couldn’t find you. ”
Aiden blows out a breath and drags his hand down his face. “I didn’t know that about the website, but I’m not surprised. I didn’t get back onto any social sites until I started going by Aiden Fox.”
Grateful for the chance to ease back into lighter ground, I ask, “So, how did you get into porn?”
He finally smiles again. “Once Dan got me into the club scene, it became a regular thing. I hooked up with an older guy for a while. He was the first guy I had sex with, and he made it good for me.”
I shift uncomfortably. I want to hear everything about him; I really do. But a pang of jealousy knots in my stomach at the thought of his first time not being with me.
He keeps going. “Then one night I met this guy. He’d been with a studio for about six months, and he said I had the right look for porn. I’d never even considered it, but it felt like a way to stick it to my father. So I let him set me up for an audition, and the rest is history.”
“How old were you?”
“The first shoot I did was two days after my twenty-first birthday,” he says, smirking.
“I was so nervous I almost puked. But the sex was hot. I was young and horny all the time, so it became easy fast. It didn’t take long for me to make a name for myself.
But I’m older now, and I’m ready to do something else. ”
I raise my eyebrows. “Really, why?” From what little I’ve seen of his OnlyFans and socials, he’s done more than just well for himself.
He gives a shrug. “I’m tired and lonely. Dating’s been a disaster, especially with my job, and it’s hard on my body.”
“So, what will you do?”
He perks up. “I’m almost done with my MBA. Real estate investing is something I’ve done for years with a group of people I went to college with, but behind the scenes. I want my own properties that I manage myself.”
“That’s incredible!” I can’t hide how impressed I am. “What’s your plan?”
“I want to buy a mixed-use property and lease out the space. New York is expensive, and the real estate market is cutthroat, so I’m exploring different options.”
“So, you wanna be a landlord?” I ask, surprised.
When we were younger, I assumed he’d go for a trade or possibly a career as a first responder.
“It’s actually a little more involved than that,” he says. “Real estate is a lucrative business, but I’ve also been thinking about owning a restaurant or something similar. Give it a movie theme.”
“I love that idea,” I grin, not surprised. Our love of movies bonded us as friends. “We’re going to need to hash out all the Star Wars movies and shows. There’s a lot to catch up on.”
“Oh, don’t even get me started. We’ll be here all night.”
I glance at my watch. We’ve been sitting here for almost three hours, long past finishing lunch and fried ice cream. Ray could be back soon, but I’m not ready for this to end.
“Let’s get out of here and walk on the beach. I have a feeling the Marvel debate will be just as extensive as Star Wars.”
Aiden laughs, pays the check, and leaves a generous tip since we’ve been sitting here for so long.
For the next hour, we stroll along the shoreline, swapping movie opinions and reminiscing about our years together growing up. It feels like no time has passed at all.
The one topic we avoid entirely is what happened between us the day before. For me, saying what it meant feels like betraying Ray, even though I plan to end things with him. I’ve told Aiden as much, but I think he’s respecting that I’m still with him, and not bringing it up.
As we head back, Aiden stops, turning toward me. His voice is soft but serious. “I missed you, Jay.”
Looking up, I see the tenderness in his gaze. “I missed you, too.”
He pulls me into a hug, and I hold him tight.
I missed him as my first love and first lover, but most of all, I missed him as my best friend. When we pull apart, both our eyes are wet.
When we return to the hotel, Aiden stays outside to take a call, and I find Ray waiting in the lobby. My phone buzzed a few times earlier, but I ignored it. My time with Aiden was too important. The more time I spend with him, the more certain I am: I want out of this relationship with Ray.
“Jay, where have you been?” Ray snaps, his irritation plain on his face. “Didn’t you see my texts?”
I shrug. “Sorry, I didn’t hear my phone,” I lie smoothly, grateful Aiden didn’t walk in with me. “I just went for a walk on the beach. How’d it go today?”
His irritation vanishes, replaced by excitement.
“Great. That footage is going to make us a ton of money and get us more subscribers; I know it.”
“Great to hear,” I say flatly, rolling my eyes when his back is turned.
I try steering him toward the elevators before Aiden comes in, but I’m too late.
Ray looks up just as Aiden enters through the sliding doors.
“Hey, Aiden,” Ray calls. “Surprised you didn’t join us today.”
“Yeah, I wasn’t feeling it,” Aiden replies, walking over. “It was nice catching up with Jay.”
Ray’s eyes widen, his face flushing red as he whips his gaze to me. “You two hung out?”
“Yeah, we did,” Aiden answers. “He was my best friend, and we had a lot to catch up on.”
I hold my breath. Ray forces a smile that doesn’t reach his eyes. He’ll save his rage for later, behind closed doors.
“Well, glad you had such a delightful time,” he says sarcastically through clenched teeth, his fists curled at his sides. “If you’ll excuse us, we need to head to bed soon. We have an early morning flight tomorrow.”
It’s still early, but I know Ray is looking for any excuse to get me away from Aiden. By the look on his face, he sees right through Ray’s bullshit.
“Do you mind if I talk to Jay for a minute before you go?” Aiden asks.
Ray’s jaw tightens, his face nearly beet red, but he manages to hold it together. “Sure. Babe, I’ll meet you by the elevators.” His glare lingers as he stalks off.
Aiden turns to me. “I’m sorry if that causes problems for you,” he says, concern in his voice. “I’m worried about you. Are you safe with him?”
I wave him off. “I’ll be fine. He can be an asshole, but he’s never hurt me.”
The words feel wrong as they leave my mouth. He’s slapped me before, but not hard enough to leave a mark. I’ve convinced myself that means it doesn’t count.
Aiden’s eyes darken with concern. “If you ever need me, day or night, you call me.” We’d exchanged numbers at lunch, making sure we wouldn’t lose touch again.
I nod, then give him a weak smile, knowing I need to say goodbye. “Thanks,” I say, wringing my hands together. “It’s been so good seeing you.”
He looks me straight in the eye. “It was more than good seeing you, Jay. And this time, we aren’t saying goodbye. It’s just so long for now.”
I wrap him in a solid hug, ignoring Ray’s glare burning into me from across the lobby.
Aiden holds me tight, whispering, “Don’t forget, I’m here if you ever need me.”
A single tear wells up in the corner of my eye. I know he’ll always be there for me, no matter what.
“I’ll remember,” I whisper back.
He gives me one last squeeze before letting me go, and I walk away without looking back.
Once we’re upstairs, Ray drops his mask, and his anger slams into me full force. “What the fuck? What happened to your leisurely day hanging by the pool with a good book? You just had to spend some alone time with your fuck buddy?”
Normally, I’d cave, roll over, and apologize just to keep the peace, but I’m done with his bullshit. Squaring my shoulders, I keep my voice as steady as I can.
“He was my best friend until I was seventeen. The last time I saw him was traumatic. I needed closure.”
It didn’t feel like closure; it felt like hope. But Ray doesn’t need to know that.
Ray’s eyes are burning with anger. “Closure, huh?” he spits. “Fine, you got it. Did you exchange numbers?”
“Yes,” I answer flatly.
“Delete it. If you got your closure, you don’t need it.”
“Absolutely not,” I snap, my resolve deepening. “That was taken away from me before; no one is taking that away from me ever again.”
He falls silent, but fury is burning off him. I storm past him into the bathroom, slamming the door behind me, his anger weighing heavily on my shoulders. But my resolve hardens.
Once Heather’s back from the cruise with my mom, I’ll come clean and ask for her help. I’m done living this version of my life. I’m done with him.