Chapter 14
Aiden
Ihate that Jay has to handle all of this without me. I don’t want to just be a phone call away; I want to be there, holding his hand and providing the support he needs. And that’s what I’ve been working so hard to do.
Buying the property in Astoria has been a long lesson in patience.
The seller had health issues, which delayed signing the purchase agreement until last week.
It took some doing, but I’ve secured the funding through my investment group, so I need to visit soon to thoroughly inspect the building and spot any hidden issues that could increase renovation costs.
I’m counting down the days until I go back to Oregon because it means I get to see Jay.
During our video chats, I’ve watched as the bruising on his face has faded away.
Keeping myself in check and reminding myself that we’re just friends is getting harder.
I physically ache for him, even though I know he needs more time.
Lauren is my constant sounding board, so I pick up the phone.
“I feel so helpless,” I tell her after unloading about the latest mess Jay is dealing with. “He doesn’t deserve to be treated that way. I want to hunt Ray down and beat the shit out of him.”
Lauren sighs. “I don’t blame you for that, but at least he’s gone and out of Jay’s life for good.”
“I know, but I want to be there to help him put the pieces back together,” I say, frustrated and impatient. “I’m not doing enough.”
She scoffs. “Oh, please, you’re doing plenty. Do I need to remind you?”
This is why I need her. “I guess so.”
“Not only are you planning to move clear across the country, to a town where you know no one, but you’ve also changed your entire way of life. You went from having sex all the time to none at all.”
When I came back from Florida, before things blew up for Jay, I had already stopped creating new content. Reconnecting with him, especially those passionate moments in that hotel room, rewired my brain. I have no desire whatsoever to be with anyone else but him.
For now, my OnlyFans remains active solely for income. I have plenty of photos and videos in my archives to keep my subscribers engaged, but I’ve stopped accepting personal requests and keep DMs to a minimum. I don’t even bother posting on social media anymore.
Jay’s in the dark about all of that, since he asked me to keep my sex life, or lack thereof, to myself. He doesn’t need to be burdened with that right now. Knowing him, he’d feel guilty about me not having sex, and I don’t want to add that to the heavy load he’s already carrying.
Honestly, not having sex has been good for me. It’s been cathartic to let go of my old way of life.
Lauren continues. “And you’re there for him all the time. Maybe not physically, but you’re being the best friend he could ask for from a distance. When was the last time you missed a day talking with him?”
“I haven’t, you know that,” I reply.
“Exactly. That’s my point. I know this is hard for you. The person you’ve longed for is right in front of you, but you can’t have him. At least not yet. But a day will come when he’ll be ready, and I have no doubt he wants what you want.”
“I hope so.”
I have to believe that what I’m working toward, for us to be together, is what he wants as well.
“What’s going on with the property?” Lauren asks, knowing me well enough to tell when I’m ready to move on to something else.
“Just waiting on some documents to sign so we can move forward with the due diligence,” I tell her. “I’m still evaluating the coffee shop. It’s turnkey and fits with my plan, so I’m crunching the numbers.”
Buying a business is a whole different piece of the puzzle that I’m still wrapping my head around. I think it will be a good investment, and I have the money to buy it, but I want to be sure. I’ll talk to some people in Astoria when I’m there and make a final decision.
“I’m really excited for you,” Lauren says. “But I’m going to miss the hell out of you.”
“I’ll miss you, too. But we’ll still talk all the time, and it gives you a good reason to get out of New York and visit.”
“We definitely will,” she says. “I have a lot of family in the Northwest that I should probably see anyway. Speaking of family, have you talked to your mom lately?”
“Not recently. Just the text she sent congratulating me on my degree.”
Finishing school felt anticlimactic. Since it was all online, I didn’t attend a graduation ceremony, and I didn’t feel the need to throw myself a party because my only close friends are Lauren and Matt. Instead, they took me out for a nice dinner in Little Italy to celebrate.
“Have you thought anymore about trying to see your brothers before you move?”
I let out a deep sigh. “I had myself all worked up, ready to do it last week. But then this news article came out about my father and his latest effort against LGBTQ+ rights. There was a photo of my whole family standing beside him. After seeing that, I couldn’t do it.”
I can hear Lauren’s frustration. “Just because they were there doesn’t mean your brothers agree with him.”
“But they could,” I say, hating the anxiety in my voice. “I know I should push past my fear, but I couldn’t handle it if they looked at me with disgust and turned me away.”
“I know, and I’m sorry.”
Lauren is my rock, and she’s the only person I can talk to about all this, besides my therapist. Even after all the therapy and years I’ve spent overcoming the pain of rejection, there are moments when I still feel like that teenager packing his bags, forced to leave the only home he ever knew. God, it sounds so fucking cliché.
I’d love to talk to Jay, and I know he’d understand, but I can’t add to what he’s already going through.
Done talking about all of this, I say goodbye to Lauren and then play with Maisy and Daisy for a while before tackling the bathroom project I’ve been working on. I have a long list of improvements I want to make to my condo to increase its value before I sell it.
I know Lauren is right that I need to try to see my brothers before I move, so I text my mom to set up a phone call.
It’s always been strange to me that we have to schedule our calls.
I’ve always known my mom to be on top of everything, responding to people right away, but it usually takes her a day or two to get back to me.
It’s three days before I hear from her, and we set up a call for that night.
“Hey, Mom,” I say when my phone rings right at eight o’clock. “How are you?”
“Hi, Aiden. It’s so good to hear your voice. Things are fine here.”
Our conversations usually follow the same pattern—lacking clear direction and sharing little real information. This time, I plan to change that; I’m going to push.
“What’s going on with James and Luke?” I ask, jumping right in.
“Well, they both just started back in school. James likes Buffalo and has a girlfriend. I’ve only met her once, but she seems sweet. Luke is still living at home and is in his third year at Bible school. I don’t see him much, though; he’s very busy with church responsibilities.”
“That’s great,” I say. “What about you?”
“Oh, you know me. I’m still overseeing the women’s ministry and leading Bible studies. We have a retreat that my team is planning for the spring. And of course, there’s the food bank, and I help in the school office three days a week.”
“That sounds like a lot. Do you ever do anything just for yourself?”
She pauses. I’ve never asked her anything like that before. “Well… I knit, mostly baby blankets. We always have a few pregnant women in the church, and there are baby showers to plan. I also read for the book club I’m hosting. It’s a great way to connect with new women.”
I’m exhausted just hearing about all she does, and none of it seems like it’s just for her. “That doesn’t sound like that’s for you, though.”
“Of course it’s for me,” she says, sounding a little irritated. “I enjoy doing all of those things. And it’s my job to serve our community, and I happily do it. Where’s this coming from?”
I take a deep breath. “Mom, we haven’t talked about this before, but I get the feeling there might be things in your life that aren’t easy for you. And I want you to know that I’m here if you ever need to talk.”
I hear her breath catch, and a sniffle on the other end of the line. She takes a moment to respond. “Thank you. And you’d be right. My life isn’t always easy. But I don’t want to burden you with that.”
“It wouldn’t be a burden. I want to help you. How about this? Tell me one thing that makes you unhappy.”
She stays quiet for a few moments, with only sniffles breaking the silence. “I’m lonely,” she finally says, then goes quiet again. “I’m surrounded by people all the time, but I don’t have anyone I can truly confide in. I used to have that, and I miss it.”
That breaks my heart. I know she’s talking about Ronda. I consider telling her about Jay, seeing Ronda again, and our conversations, but I have a feeling this isn’t the right time.
“I’m sorry, Mom. Is there anything I can do?”
“You’re doing it,” she replies. “Thank you for asking me. I don’t think I’m ready to tell you anymore, but this has meant more than you can know.”
“Can I ask you one more question?”
“Of course.”
“Why do we have to schedule our calls?”
It’s so quiet, I almost think the line has gone dead.
“Mom?”
I hear a shaky breath before she speaks. “The phone I use with you is not my regular phone. I keep it hidden in my closet, turned off, and I only check it every few days. I only call you when I know I’ll be alone.”
I’m completely baffled. I figured my father wouldn’t want her talking with me, but I didn’t realize she had to be so secretive about it.
“Why?”
“I’m not ready to tell you that. And I know you’re going to ask again about seeing James and Luke because you always ask.
I’m just going to say, I want you to see them.
I really do. But right now isn’t a good time.
Your father is gearing up for a big campaign, and I’m worried about what that could mean for you. ”
This is the first time she’s mentioned my father to me in years. We usually avoid talking about him. If she’s bringing him up now, she’s serious. It scares me to think about what that might mean for her and my brothers.
“I don’t like it, but I’ll let it go for now.”
“Thank you. I need to go,” she says.
We say our goodbyes, and I lean my head back on the couch, taking deep breaths—the weight of what she revealed sinking in.
I’ve always known my father was controlling.
I experienced it throughout my childhood.
But I didn’t realize how much that affected my mom.
I heard the anxiety in her voice, and I worry about what she’s hiding. Maybe someday I’ll know the truth.