Chapter 15
Jay
The contractor I hired finished the repairs on my house, and it’s finally on the market.
There were fewer items worth keeping than I had expected.
Most of the furniture that Ray left behind was cheap, and with my favorite chair ruined, everything that mattered fit into a small storage unit.
The realtor found someone to take the rest of the furniture, and she arranged for a cleaner to make the place move-in ready for showings.
I’ve felt guilty about living with my mom these past few months, but I’m thankful she let me stay.
Now that the stuff with the house is wrapped up, I’m ready to have a place of my own again.
I found a furnished two-bedroom apartment on a short-term lease close to her place.
Renting again sucks after owning my house, but having a space that’s mine, even temporarily, feels freeing.
Therapy has been more challenging and rewarding than I expected.
Aiden encouraged me to start, and with what he said that night on the beach—how he’d done the work and come out better on the other side—I finally allowed myself to try.
Heather used her connections and found me an LGBTQ+ affirming trauma therapist with an excellent reputation.
It’s slow, ugly, necessary work. The early sessions were brutal, leaving me flayed open every time I walked out of Cynthia’s office.
I’d been living in survival mode for so long that I didn’t realize how bad my mental health had become.
But for the first time in a long time, I feel like I’m making progress.
We’ve covered the full extent of my messiness, from my toxic relationship with Ray, the trauma of the assault and its aftermath, my parents’ divorce, to how I carried the guilt of being the cause.
At least that’s what I thought. Living with my mom has allowed us to have long talks about ourselves and get to know each other as adults. It’s incredible how, when you’re a kid, you can be completely unaware of what is going on in your parents’ lives.
I believed their marriage was perfect until I was caught with Aiden’s dick in my mouth, which embarrassed my dad so much he could barely look at me. My mom defended me, and I thought that was their downfall.
But that was just the straw that broke the camel’s back.
Their marriage had been on thin ice for years, and I didn’t even realize it.
According to my mom, my dad changed completely after we moved to Rochester and started attending Reg Amato’s church.
My dad idolized him and hung on his every word.
He bought into the idea that women were meant to serve and submit to their husbands, and it caused a wedge between them.
When he lost his job, and my mom was the only one with a paycheck, he felt emasculated.
The only reason he took the position in Portland was to provide for his family again.
It was ultimately a demotion, and he hated the job.
My mom didn’t want to leave Rochester, but he didn’t give her a choice.
Their marriage was doomed long before what happened with me.
Today I’m back at it, revisiting my deepest hurts, fears, and personal misbeliefs that plague my mind. It’s not the most enjoyable way to spend an hour, but I’ve learned to value the time I spend understanding myself better.
“Okay, Jay,” Cynthia begins, folding her hands. “In our last session, you mentioned something about the two weeks you were alone with your dad after moving to Portland. I’m curious about that. What happened during that time?”
I knew I had to face this eventually. I let out a deep sigh. “The details are fuzzy. I remember it sucked. I was devastated about losing Aiden. But the rest feels blocked somehow.”
She nods. “Our minds can be a powerful defense mechanism when traumatic events happen,” she says. “Sometimes the hurt is so overwhelming, the brain will shield itself from it. Let’s try working our way backward. Why were you by yourself with your dad?”
I think back to the far reaches of my mind. “After everything that happened in Rochester, I had to move to Portland instead of staying there, and my parents decided it would be best if I came straight here with my dad because he was starting his new job.”
Thinking back to those first days without Aiden makes me feel sick. It was so painful; I thought I was going to die. He meant the world to me, and then he was ripped away, and I was devastated.
“Jay?” Cynthia asks.
I must have zoned out.
“Sorry.”
“It’s okay. This could bring up some hard feelings.”
“What was I saying?” I shake my head. “Oh yeah. My mom stayed behind to finish selling the house and pack up. My dad and I stayed in a residence hotel during those first couple of weeks. Since everything had been taken away from me, all I could do was sit in the room all day, watching TV while my dad went to work. At night… that’s where it gets fuzzy. ”
“Okay, let’s dig into that. Think about that hotel room. What did it look like? How did it smell? What sounds did you hear?”
I take a few moments to settle into that place. I spent many hours there during one of the worst times of my life.
“It was like a small apartment, with a separate bedroom and a pullout couch I slept on, and a small kitchenette. It was musty, with a faint smell of weed. I spent most of the time watching movies on the crappy television. I think I slept a lot, too.”
“That’s good,” Cynthia says. “So, when your dad returned from work, what would you do?”
“We ate a lot of takeout since neither of us cooked,” I remember. “He made me sit with him at the little table…”
There’s a growing emptiness in my stomach as the memories stir feelings I don’t want to face. I’m not sure how much time passes before Cynthia gently shakes me out of my thoughts.
“Jay,” she says softly. “What are you remembering?”
I let out a shaky sigh as tears sting my eyes. “My dad’s voice. The terrible things he said to me.”
“What words did he use?”
I shake my head, reluctant to voice them. How could the man who helped me catch my first fish and coached my little league team, who taught me to drive, and took endless pictures of us on family vacations, say those terrible things to his only son?
“I know this hurts,” Cynthia says. “But saying the words out loud will weaken their grip on you. Let’s bring them into the light so we can see them for what they truly are.”
My voice trembles as I say the words. “Shameful. Disappointment. Embarrassment.”
“What else?”
Tears are streaming down my face. “He kept asking over and over how I could be such a disgrace by defiling Aiden like that, and what did he possibly do to deserve such a disgusting son?”
“Oh, Jay,” she says softly. “I’m so sorry. Let’s look at the truth of those things, okay?”
I nod.
“What do you know to be true?”
“That there’s nothing wrong with who I am and who I love.”
“And what do you know to be true about the relationship you had with Aiden?”
I close my eyes and remember how I felt about him when I was seventeen.
“We were in love. He was everything to me.”
“And you know there is nothing shameful or disgusting about that,” she says. “Your love was beautiful and something to celebrate.”
I take a shaky breath. “I had this lingering doubt in the back of my mind for so long that maybe Aiden wasn’t really gay, and that I did something that caused him to make that choice.”
“Let’s talk that through. Do you still think that?”
I shake my head. “No, I mean not anymore. Of course, I know that’s not how it works. It’s just… I think what my dad said planted that idea in my head, and I couldn’t let it go.”
“That’s why it’s important to bring these things out into the open so you can work through those misbeliefs. We’ve talked about the loss of your relationship with your dad before, but does this bring up anything for you that feels different?”
I think about that. “I’m glad I don’t have that negativity in my life anymore. But I miss my dad for who he was before. From what my mom told me, he faced his own struggles, and I hope he’s been able to work through them.”
Cynthia smiles. “It’s good that you can recognize that. Just remember, no matter what issues your dad might have been dealing with himself, it doesn’t excuse how he treated you. There’s no justification for the cruel things he said.”
I nod, allowing myself to let that sink in. If I ever have kids, I’ll do everything I can to never make them feel like that.
“You’ve put in a lot of hard work, Jay. This isn’t easy. Is there anything else you want to talk about today?” she asks.
I guess it’s time to bring up what’s weighing heaviest on my mind.
“How long do you think it will be before I’m ready for a relationship?” I ask.
Her eyebrows raise. “That’s a loaded question, and one you’ll only be able to answer for yourself. I’m not here to give you permission on what you do with your life. You need to trust yourself to know when you’re ready.”
“That’s what I was afraid of.”
“Is this about Aiden?”
“Yes, of course it is,” I say, a bit sarcastically. It’s not like we haven’t talked about him a thousand times. “My feelings for him are such a mixed bag. I’ve never stopped loving him, but he’s lived a life without me for fourteen years, and the unknown terrifies me.”
“What are you afraid of?”
I rub my hands down my face. “I’ve told you what he does for a living. He’s been with I don’t know how many guys, and I don’t know how I can measure up. I’m nothing special.”
Cynthia taps her fingers on her tablet. “Do you really think that’s true? That you’re nothing special to Aiden?”
I’m a bit stunned by that question. “Well, I mean, we’re best friends, and I know he cares about me, but that doesn’t mean he wants anything serious with me long-term. Plus, it’s complicated. He lives in New York, and I live here. He’s starting a business and working toward his goals.”
“I can see how those things would make it difficult, but not impossible,” she says. “But what are you truly afraid of?”
I think about that for a moment, trying to figure it out.
“When Ray invited other people into our relationship, I honestly didn’t care.
I ended up being okay with it. But with Aiden, I don’t think I could do that.
I would want him only for myself, but how can I ask that of him, when it’s his livelihood? ”
“Jay, navigating limits and boundaries in any relationship is important. Don’t compromise what’s a hard limit for you to make someone else happy, whether it’s with Aiden or anyone else. If the time comes for you to have this conversation, you need to be honest.”
I exhale. “I know, but it doesn’t matter, anyway. I’m not ready. I obviously need more time.”
Cynthia’s voice is gentle yet firm. “I agree it’s a little early to jump into a relationship, but it’s good to think about these things now, so when you are ready, you’ll be prepared.”
“Thank you. I needed to hear that.”
She studies me for a moment. “Today was a lot. Are you doing okay?”
“I think so. I just wish I could speed things along.”
She gives a knowing smile. “You’re doing great. Just remember, slow and steady wins the race.”
We walk through my coping exercises and anxiety tools, then she asks how I feel about returning to work.
“My house is for sale, and I’ve moved into an apartment, but I’m bored. I think I’m ready to go back to work.”
“If you feel you’re ready, I think the routine will be good for you,” she says.
Our session ends, and I walk out steadier than when I went in.
In the lobby, I turn off Do Not Disturb on my phone and find a text waiting for me.
Aiden: Hey, I hope your session went well today. I’ll be there next week. I’ve got something I want to show you.
A thrill shoots through me. It’s been way too long since I’ve seen him, and even though we talk all the time, having him here in person excites me more than I should let it.
Jay: That’s great! When are you coming? What do you want to show me?
Aiden: I arrive Monday night. I’ll be there through the weekend. Can I crash in your spare room?
Jay: Of course. I can’t wait to see you!
Aiden: Me too!
He doesn’t say why he’s coming, which is classic Aiden. He loves surprises, even though I hate them, and he knows it.
Part of me is desperate to know. The other part is already counting down the hours. I was planning to go back to work early, but I decide to push it back a week so I can spend more time with him while he’s here.
Seeing him is exactly what I need right now.