Chapter 12
Ashmedai
Ashmedai’s world had narrowed to a boring sliver.
He couldn’t hunt, which had been a poor pastime after Nicolas left, anyway.
Without his human and with no one to kill, he had nothing.
He stood immobile in his ransacked apartment for an indeterminate amount of time, listening to the quiet hum of the building around him, before reminding himself that he’d come to the surface with the intention of observing it.
He’d wanted to see the place where so many delectable souls marinated in the sins that flavored them.
And yet, all he’d done since arriving was feed, just as he had in the Pit.
He hadn’t expected to find anything more to the surface than that.
Sin was his world. But when he’d met Nicolas, something shifted.
There was good on the surface. He’d seen it not just in Nicolas but the Sentinels as well.
Their souls shined so bright they hurt his eyes.
What else was here that he was missing out on?
What other wonders were there? He wanted to know more about the world Nicolas belonged to.
Then maybe he would understand Nicolas, as well.
Turning on his heel, he teleported through the shadows and arrived inside one of the darkened storage rooms of the Rink.
He hadn’t thought to check the time. Sunlight streamed in through the glass front door. Ashmedai cast it a sulking glare. The Sentinels were largely nocturnal, due to the demons in their company, but he still hadn’t expected the place to be empty.
It took him a moment to realize it wasn’t—not entirely.
Most of the lights were off, which he appreciated, and a pair of lights across the room provided the only illumination, situated directly over the sitting area.
There, Daniel was reclined on the sofa with a laptop resting on his thighs.
His bare feet were propped up on the coffee table, and quiet voices filtered out of the computer’s speakers, followed by the sound of audience laughter.
When his amber eyes landed on Ashmedai standing in the shadows, he startled, sending the laptop flying and barely catching it with his hands before it crashed to the floor.
“Oh, Jesus,” he gasped, sitting back with a hand over his heart. “Please don’t do that. My heart can’t take it.”
“Sorry,” Ashmedai offered, stepping closer.
“It’s okay. I think. Can you just say hi or something next time?”
“Yes. I will.”
Daniel waved a dismissive hand, setting the laptop on the table. “No worries, really. What’s up? Did you need to talk to someone here? They don’t usually work on Sundays, but I can give someone a call…”
Ashmedai shook his head, wondering how to put his feelings into words.
He felt so separate from everyone and everything on the surface.
The only thing that had made him feel like he belonged, for even a moment, was Nicolas.
It had been instantaneous, the moment he’d laid eyes on him.
This one is mine, he’d known. But Nicolas deserved better than a monster who barely existed in the world.
Ashmedai just didn’t know if it was possible for him to be more.
Daniel’s head tilted as the silence stretched between them. “Ashmedai?”
He rattled out a sigh.
“Is it hard to explain?”
“Yes.”
Daniel gestured to the chair on his right, and Ashmedai drifted toward it, folding himself down onto the bouncy cushion. It felt strange.
“I have… eighty-seven languages,” Ashmedai said, tapping a claw to the side of his head. “Staying in only one is hard. Sometimes.”
“Eighty-seven human languages?”
He shook his head. “Demonic, too.”
Daniel’s eyes bugged. “There are demonic languages?”
It was Ashmedai’s turn to tilt his head. “Of course. Many of us speak.”
“No, I-I know that. I guess I just always assumed you’d be speaking something… Earthly. Like Latin or something.”
Latin. He knew some Latin. He hadn’t heard any of it in a long time, though. Occasionally he came across a soul that still spoke it in the Pit. Most of them had moved on a long time ago.
“But anyway, feel free to tell me your troubles.” Daniel settled back in his seat. “I’m happy to listen, and I won’t judge you if the words give you trouble. Honestly, I’d be glad for the company. It’s weirdly quiet in here without anyone else around. I’m not used to spending much time alone.”
Perhaps speaking with Daniel would help him grasp the English language a little better. He could use the practice. And Daniel was important to Nicolas. Getting to know his brother couldn’t be a bad thing.
“Is it Nicolas?” Daniel guessed.
“Partly,” Ashmedai admitted, laying his palms on his knees.
Sitting felt odd. What was he supposed to do with his hands?
His cloak was bunched around his feet and yet tight down his back.
What was the point of this position? “I came here… to see the surface. And I found him. I want him. But everything is so…”
“Bright?” Daniel guessed. “New?”
“Foreign,” Ashmedai decided. “Loud. Bright, yes. And fast. Cars. Trains. Humans everywhere. Good ones. Bad ones. Always moving. Never still. Why?”
Daniel looked thoughtful. “The world can be a fast-paced thing, yeah. People have jobs and families, responsibilities that pull them in all different directions.”
“And sins,” Ashmedai said. “Vices. Things they want.”
A brief smile passed across Daniel’s face. “Yeah, I suppose they do. Everybody sins.”
Daniel’s soul was bright, shining like gold reflecting the sun.
“What are yours?” Ashmedai asked curiously.
“Mine? My sins?”
“Yes.”
Daniel blew out a breath. “Damn, asking the easy questions now, huh?”
Ashmedai rasped out a laugh, and Daniel grinned, then shrugged.
“I think I’m probably stubborn. And probably prideful, although that’s taken a hit in the last few months. The guild did a good job of making me second-guess myself. Once I set my mind to something, I’m pretty much all in.” He winced. “And I can be a little jealous, too. Possessive.”
Ashmedai stared, waiting for the punchline. When none came, he said, “That’s it?”
Daniel blinked at him. “You were expecting more?”
“Those aren’t sins or vices.”
Daniel sputtered. “Wh-What are you talking about? Pride, ignorance, jealousy?”
Ashmedai scoffed. “Weak sins. Figures.”
“Figures?” Daniel repeated, looking torn between affronted and amused. “How’s that?”
“You have a bright soul. Puny sins.”
Daniel laughed uproariously, throwing his head back. “I’m sorry I have puny sins, sin eater. At least you aren’t tempted to snack on me.”
“I would never.” The very idea was appalling. Nicolas would hate it. Besides, bright souls probably tasted terrible. Like a raw, unseasoned thing.
Daniel smiled, looking endeared. “What’s a good sin, then, in your opinion? Do sins taste different?”
“They do. Good sins… Murder. Greed. Together, a nice flavor. Guilt washes out sin. True sinners feel none. Or they feel… justified. Defensive. Never admit wrongdoing. That’s prideful.”
Daniel’s face twisted. “Yeah, okay, that makes sense. The real monsters won’t see their actions as wrong. They’ll never feel bad about hurting someone else.”
“Exactly.” Ashmedai mulled those words over in his head.
Real monsters. Wasn’t he a monster? He felt nothing for the sinners he devoured.
But he felt other things. Longing. Heartache.
Sadness. Frustration. Were all those things selfish in nature, because he only felt them in regards to himself?
Because he wanted someone he couldn’t have?
“Ashmedai?” Daniel’s soft voice called his attention back to the present, and he couldn’t swallow back the question that bubbled to the surface.
“Why did he send me away?”
Daniel’s face collapsed with sorrow. “Because he’s an idiot.”
Ashmedai scoffed.
Daniel gave him a wan smile. “Nic has never been in a real relationship. He’s never felt real feelings for someone.
I wholeheartedly believe that if he felt something real for you, he pushed you away to protect himself.
Now,” he scooted to the edge of his seat and leaned forward, “can I be completely honest with you? I don’t know what you’re like when you get angry, and I’d rather not find out. ”
Ashmedai nodded jerkily. “Honest, yes. Won’t get mad.”
Daniel pursed his lips, studying the shadowed hood in a way that made Ashmedai feel oddly exposed, before nodding in satisfaction. “You didn’t react well when he said he was going back to HQ to try and find those kids.”
Ashmedai’s gaze fell. Yes, Nicolas had made that very clear.
“I imagine it’s not easy for any of these demons to love their humans,” Daniel went on. “They always throw themselves into danger for the greater good. But you can’t tell him not to do it. It’s not in his nature to walk away when someone needs help.”
“What should I do, then?”
A slow smile bloomed on Daniel’s face.
“What?” Ashmedai asked.
“I just like that you’re asking. Trying to learn how to do right by him.”
That might not be possible. Maybe they were too different to ever make this work. But he wouldn’t stop until he’d tried.
Daniel saved him from having to think of a response. “Support him.”
An unhappy growl rattled out of him. “Even though he could die?”
“Well, yeah. Especially then. Because if he has somebody like you in his corner, how can he fail? You’re immortal, and crazy powerful.”
“I can’t protect him there.”
“He’s only there part of the time, though,” Daniel said, scowling. “I don’t like that he’s isolating himself from everybody while he does this. You, me. He needs us. I can’t go to him without risking being seen, but you can teleport straight to him.”
“Doesn’t want me.”
“That’s a damn lie. He does. And that’s why I said he’s using all of this as an excuse to push you away. He’s too afraid to admit it.”
That wasn’t helpful. How did Ashmedai get Nicolas to admit he wanted this?
His hand had tightened into a fist on his knee. He loosened it now, unfurling his fingers and laying them flat. His coal black skin and sharp claws looked nothing like a human hand. Why would Nicolas ever want a monster like him?
“Aren’t we… too different?” he asked.
A line appeared between Daniel’s brows. “I don’t think so. I mean, have you seen Julian and Valac?”
“Valac is not confined to darkness. He is not… this.” Ashmedai lifted his hand, drawing Daniel’s attention to his claws and skin.
Daniel didn’t look swayed. “You’re a little different, yeah. Based on what I’ve learned from the rest of the guys here, though, and their relationships with their demons, you’re exactly what Nicolas needs.”