Chapter 24
Chapter twenty-four
Two Weeks Later
Xander kicked the heavy covers off and sat up against the pile of pillows. Hell, she’d piled so many extra blankets on him, he was sweating to death. “Essie!” he called.
He’d spent the last two weeks cooped up in his bedroom, and he was going stir crazy.
Grouchy to the extreme because he felt good enough to leave the house, but Essie had forbidden it.
She told him he wasn’t allowed to do anything except rest and recover.
And she meant every single word because she watched over him like a damn hawk.
He supposed it was fitting because he planned on making her a Hawke soon.
But in the meantime, any time he dared to leave the bedroom, she tucked an arm through his and escorted him back to bed with a lecture about needing to relax while his body healed.
And she’d said he was bossy? She was a straight-up dictator.
The door opened and she breezed in, looking like a ray of sunshine. “Someone sounds extra grumpy this morning.” She gave him a dazzling smile. “Do you need some coffee?”
“I need to get out of this house,” he groused. “I’m about to lose my damn mind.”
“You can leave when Wes and I have given you the okay, and not one second sooner.”
He narrowed his eyes, trying to intimidate her, but it didn’t work. She simply batted her lashes and sent him that sexy smile of hers that made him crazy. “Wes said I was good to go,” he reminded her. “Three days ago.”
“True, but I haven’t cleared you yet.”
“So you’re a doctor now?”
Essie sat down on the edge of the bed and laid her hand on his bare chest, sending electric currents skittering across his skin. “I’m the woman who loves you.”
Hearing her say those words wrecked him in the best possible way.
It also reminded him that he hadn’t said them back to her.
Not the official words, anyway. He’d claimed her, made her promise she’d never leave, but the actual declaration of those three little words was such a huge thing for him.
The words held a lot of weight. They meant something, and he’d only ever told two women he loved them—his baby sister and his useless mother.
More than anything, he wanted to tell Essie.
He’d been waiting for the right moment—when he wasn’t half doped up on painkillers or worried about Tomás walking in on them.
Her brother was living with them but, at the moment, it was too quiet for him to be home.
He’d already made friends with the kid down the street and they liked to play soccer together.
Having two people move into his house and invade his personal space had been a surprisingly welcome relief from the cold silence he’d become so used to when he was between jobs.
The truth was, they brought so much life and energy to the place, he couldn’t imagine it ever going back to the lonely way it used to be.
“And as the woman who loves me,” he began cagily, “don’t you think it’s time you show me just how much.”
For the last fourteen days, she had avoided touching him in any sexual way, claiming he needed to recuperate. He was growing damn tired of it, too. He needed her hands on him, stroking and touching him. Not just changing his bandage.
“Well, that all depends,” she practically purred.
“On?”
Her fingers gently caressed his naked chest, raking through the light growth of hair, circling a flat nipple. “On if you’re ready or not.”
“Oh, I’m ready.” He wrapped his fingers around her wrist, dragging her closer.
Her dark eyes clouded, turning serious. “Xander, the last thing I want is for me and Tomás to impose or be a burden. This is your home, and if you’re feeling better, we can leave—”
“Stop. I want you here with me, and I know wherever you go, your little brother goes. Don’t forget, I had a little sister, too.
I understand better than anyone you guys are a package deal.
And I love that.” He shifted, lifting his hand and caressing his rough knuckles across her smooth cheek.
“I was waiting for the right moment to say this, but…” Her eyes widened. “I love you.”
The words came out hoarse and far too emotional, but he’d finally said them.
Sure, it might not have been in the grandest setting or with soft candlelight glowing, but fuckit.
Since when did he ever get things exactly right?
He was a man of the moment, a man of action.
Not an artist or a poet. But he knew what he wanted, and he wanted her.
Tears shimmered in her dark eyes, and his gut clenched. “Why’re you crying?” He pulled her astride his lap and her hands covered his.
“Because—” She sniffled. “I told you on the plane, but you didn’t say it back, so I thought—”
“Fuck,” he growled. “I’m so sorry. If you haven’t noticed, I’m an idiot. The king of bad decisions. I should’ve told you right then and there. I just wanted it to be special. Perfect. Not in front of the guys.”
“I don’t need perfect, Xander. I just need you. Bad decisions and all.”
She leaned down, her long hair cascading forward and brushing against his chest, and their lips met.
Gentle and slow at first but escalating fast. He was done with gentle, and he needed more.
Needed her to know exactly how much he loved her.
Maybe he wasn’t always great with words, but he could show her the true depth of his feelings.
Deepening the kiss, sweeping his tongue into her mouth, he shifted his hips beneath her. Their desire grew, fast and furious, and when she rocked against his hard length, he groaned.
“Need you,” he growled, licking that tempting indent above her upper lip then nipping her bottom lip. “So damn much.”
“Are you sure you’re ready?” She pulled back, laying a hand near the bandage on his side, sounding worried.
He took that hand and guided it over to his aching cock trying to tear through his pajama bottoms. “What do you think?” he rasped.
From beneath heavy lids, he watched her scoot back and carefully lower his bottoms, allowing his cock to spring free. Hard as steel and eager as ever, his dick wanted inside her. Had wanted into her sweet heat for weeks. Desperately needed to sink home, right where he belonged.
She wrapped her delicate fingers around him, teasing and twisting up and down his rock-hard length until he couldn’t take it any longer. “Essie.” Absolutely guttural. His breath sawed in and out and his fingers dug into her hips, urging her forward. Encouraging her to take him inside.
He helped lift her, and she guided him to her entrance.
Hovering at the gates to heaven, he locked gazes with her.
Then she began to slowly sink down, taking him into her slick heat, inch by glorious inch.
The feel of her stretching around him, pulling him deeper and gripping him so tightly, nearly sent him over the edge.
Once she was fully seated on his weeping cock, he took a moment to savor the connection.
The way their bodies fit so perfectly. Then he helped lift her up, nearly withdrew, before she sank back down and he plunged back up.
Again and again. Up and down, finding a rhythm that had them both moaning.
She rode him, grinding down as he thrusted up.
Harder and faster. His fingers found her clit, rubbing until it swelled, and her pussy began to quiver and spasm around him.
Essie’s mouth dropped open, ecstasy lighting up her beautiful face as her release struck. She cried out, dropped her head back, and the rest of Xander’s barely-there control snapped. He came hard, shuddering through his orgasm, and she fell forward onto his chest.
Surrounded by her sweet and spicy scent, he buried his face in her fragrant hair as aftershocks left them both trembling and clutching each other close.
“I love you, Essie. So goddamn much.”
He pressed a kiss to her neck, never wanting the moment to end.
After another round of mind-blowing orgasms, this time with Xander on top, they washed up and returned to the bed they’d decimated. Essie straightened the covers and stretched out beside Xander, happier than she’d ever been in her life.
She laid a hand against his stubbled cheek and smiled like a woman in love. Because that’s exactly what she was—head over heels, can’t-get-enough, stupid-in-love with the most amazing and frustrating and complex man she’d ever met. And there wasn’t a damn thing she’d change.
“There’s so much about you I want to learn,” she whispered, lost in his bright royal-blue eyes. “You’re still…” He arched a brow and nuzzled his cheek against her hand. “A little bit of a mystery.”
“I’ll tell you anything.” He wrapped his lips around her index finger, sucking it into his mouth and stroking it with his tongue.
Essie bit her lip, her stomach flip-flopping. He had the ability to make her thoughts scatter. Apparently, her good sense and logic, too, because the last few times they’d had sex, no condom had been involved.
“Xander!” she chastised, pulling her hand back. “If you keep doing that, we’re going to end up having sex. Again!”
“I live to give you orgasms, mi Estrella,” he murmured.
“You’re so bad.”
He smirked, then tangled his fingers with hers and heaved out a sigh. “But if you’re determined to learn all my dark, dirty secrets…” His face grew serious. “They’re not pretty,” he warned. “But I’ll tell you the truth. Always.”
She knew getting to know Xander would be like putting a massive jigsaw puzzle together. It would take time and patience. One piece at a time. He was an intriguing and complicated man with so many layers. But she didn’t mind.
“Will you tell me about your sister?”
He stiffened slightly, but when she squeezed his hand, he relaxed.
“Alyssa was two years younger than me. We were very close. I’m pretty sure we were half siblings.
” He looked down at their entwined fingers, studying them.
“She had pretty blonde hair and looked like an angel. I was the dark one.” He sighed.
“Neither of us knew our father, and our mom wasn’t exactly what you’d call present.
So it was up to me to take care of Alyssa.
Make sure she ate, brushed her teeth, went to bed on time. All that kinda stuff.”
“Where was your mom?” Even though she’d lost her mom, it had been as an adult. She’d been lucky enough to have her loving presence throughout her entire young life.
“She never came out and said it, but it didn’t take long to figure out she made her money through prostitution. She’d leave for days at a time, and it would just be me and Lyss. Then one day she never came back. Eventually, the neighbor across the hall figured out we were two kids living alone.”
“Dios mío, Xander. How long were you alone before she realized that?”
“Almost three weeks from the moment Darla Hawkings left for the last time and DCFS arrived on our doorstep.”
“Hawkings,” she echoed.
“The moment I turned eighteen, I changed my last name. I needed to sever that last connection to a woman who never wanted me.”
Tears pricked her eyes, but she held them back, forcing herself to be strong for his sake. “What does DCFS stand for?” There was no such acronym used in Mexico.
“Department of Child and Family Services.”
He moved his fingers through hers. In and out. Lightly caressing, stroking. His jaw tightened, and she hated the pain that flashed across his face. She wished more than anything she could take it away.
“They split us up, sent us to different foster homes. But we always stayed close.”
“Is that her? In the picture with you?” She nodded to the framed photo on his dresser.
“Yeah. That was after her graduation. She went into social services. Always wanting to save the world.” A sad smile curved his lips, then disappeared fast. “While I was always trying to burn it down.”
“You joined the CIA. That’s noble.”
“You don’t know much about how the CIA works, do you?
” he asked, voice so dry it made her frown.
She shook her head. “I did a lot of questionable things, hunted down a lot of supposedly bad people. It was all fucking smoke and mirrors. Good and bad. Right and wrong. It all got so warped and twisted.”
“And your job was to stop the Mexican drug cartels?”
“I wouldn’t say stop. More like transfer power to the lesser evil—from the Lazaro Cartel to the Villarreals.
Fernando Lazaro and your brother refused to concede to US interests, while the Villarreals were more…
accommodating. My job was to help bring Lazaro down.
” A pained look flashed across his face.
“They couldn’t stop me from fucking them every single chance I got.
So they got their revenge in a different way—through Alyssa. ”
His fingers stopped moving through hers and his chin dropped. Anguish vibrated off him in waves, and she felt his pain like a physical blow to her chest.
Or maybe that’s my heart breaking. Breaking for the little boy who had to raise his sister until they were torn apart. The boy who then grew into a man who couldn’t save her.
Hot tears flooded her eyes. She hated seeing him so desolate, so broken by what had happened. Most of all, she hated feeling so helpless.
“I know there’s nothing I can say to ease your sorrow.” She spoke as softly and gently as possible, wishing she could take away some of his burden. “Losing someone you love is the hardest thing. Losing them to violence is even more heartbreaking. But, please, don’t blame yourself.”
“It’s my fault.”
“It’s Lazaro’s fault. It’s my brother’s fault. It’s not your fault,” she gritted out.
“But it was my job to protect her. I was her big brother.” His voice broke and her heart shredded.
Essie gathered him in her arms, pressed his face to her chest like he’d done for her on the beach on Isla Esperanza, and slowly rocked back and forth.
“You loved your sister and you did your best to protect her. That’s all anyone could’ve done, my sweet man.
Please, don’t punish yourself any longer.
She wouldn’t want that. And I don’t want it, either. ”
She lost track of how long they held onto each other. When he eventually pulled back, she brushed a hand through his hair and looked into his tear-bright eyes.
“Thank you,” he whispered.
“For what?”
“For loving all of me. Even the dark, dirty, broken parts.”
“Always,” she promised. Then she sealed her vow with a kiss.