Chapter 20 Xeni
Xeni
Voices carry through the hallway as I pace. The cheerful murmur of conversation is interrupted by occasional bursts of laughter. They’re easy, effortless sounds for those who grew up surrounded by friends or a loving family.
For someone who never quite learned the rhythm of belonging, they’re hard to hear.
Bash’s calm timbre isn’t among them, and I don’t know if our mutual isolation makes me feel better or worse.
I haven’t seen him since I fled his room this morning. The memory of his touch still seared hot on my skin as I left. It burned in places I’d forgotten could feel alive, and the ghost of it lingers, despite the hours that have passed.
Maybe I shouldn’t have run.
Maybe I should’ve been brave and stayed to face whatever came next, but staying would’ve given him the chance to voice all those things that were brewing on his tongue.
The gentle dismissals.
The careful excuses.
The insistence that what happened was a mistake, and yes, he was using me, and no, I shouldn’t read into it too much.
That we were just two bodies coming together because it’s all we’ve ever known how to do.
My arms bind tighter around my chest, hugging as if I could hold myself intact. Waking up surrounded by his scent had felt so natural, so right, after years of everything feeling wrong, but I know what this morning was.
Pity.
He’s always had compassion in spades, and he offered it to me in a moment of vulnerability. He let himself forget long enough to give me a taste of something authentic.
Comfort, perhaps, or nothing more than a dose of synthetic love.
Whatever it was, it shocked my system and let me believe it was the real thing. It gave me a high, and the comedown left me scattered.
My stomach growls again, but the churning in my gut won’t allow food. I’m starving… empty in a way no meal could fill. Pushing another sigh through my nose, I follow my senses.
I walk that invisible path between his heart and mine.
People stare as I pass, and a few cower, but they’ve stopped trying to contain me to that room when I don’t want to be contained.
I turn a corner to find a plain metal door, and when I open it, fresh air blows down the stairwell. Clouds litter the sky, veiling the sunset and bringing the scent of distant rain as I climb towards them.
The rooftop is more cheerful than it has any right to be. Leafy potted plants thrive along one edge, and metal chairs with colorful, sun-weathered cushions scatter sporadically around the area. Off in the far corner, a cluster of them faces away, and a familiar frame sits alone.
Gravel crunches under my feet, but Bash doesn’t flinch as I approach.
“Hey,” he says softly.
“Hey.”
“I felt you coming.” He rubs his hip and glances over his shoulder at me. “Weird how that still happens, isn’t it?”
“I missed it,” I admit.
His face twists into something unreadable before he turns forward again.
“After you were gone, I’d sit there sometimes and wish for it,” I say. “Close my eyes and beg for some little sign of your presence.”
Bash releases a long, exhausted sigh that seems to pull from the depths of his bones and shakes his head.
“What are we going to do, Xen?”
My heart kicks to life in my chest, and I'm hit with a sudden, foolish surge of hope at the simple intimacy of the question. I cling to that fragile thread, despite knowing how easily it could be severed.
“About what?”
His laugh is more scoff than humor, bitter and weary as it escapes him, and he’s distant as he shakes his head again.
“Any of this.”
I step closer and hesitate before dragging my fingertips along the back of his neck. Goosebumps chase my touch, and a tiny smile tilts my lips as he shivers.
“We don’t have to decide now.” My voice is soft as I move to stand beside him, hand still resting on his nape.
He angles his face up with his tongue flicking between his lips, and though I want to kiss him, I hold back.
He absently rubs at his hip as his gaze falls back over the skyline, and I track the motion as my mark flares in response.
“I was never sure how much of what they did to me affected you,” I say softly. “I hated that part of it the most.”
Bash is quiet for a long stretch as we both stare out into the dying light over the city.
“There were times it would hurt,” he says finally, “but I don’t know if that was because of what they were doing to you or just because…”
“Because what?” I press when he leaves the words hanging.
“Because I missed you,” he admits in a whisper.
That foolish seed of hope grows roots, fueled by the insistent pound of my heart. I circle in front of him, and he doesn’t stop me as I sink into his lap.
For a moment I’m stiff, waiting for the inevitable rejection, but Bash bands his arms around my waist. My back meets his chest, and his sigh dances between relief and regret.
His breath is steady in my ear, but his pulse jumps in as frantic a rhythm as mine. Timid fingers tiptoe along my hipbone, circling that cursed mark.
My biggest fear and greatest joy, diminished to ash under my skin.
“Tell me about the people you’re with,” he says, and when I tilt my face to look at him, our cheeks brush.
I fight the urge to kiss him once more and settle in, sharing the history of our group. How Ronan and Cameron found each other and freed Nyx, how August worked at the clinic with me until he and Elas escaped. Bash grows unnaturally quiet, and I twist my head towards him again.
“Did you fall for him?” he asks softly.
My brows snap together. “What?”
“August.” When I give my head a confused toss, he sighs. “I know you, Xeni. You talk about him differently than the others, and you said his mate was jealous. Was he… did you…”
“He has your eyes,” I admit in a whisper, twisting to stare into them. “The first time I saw them, they were so much like yours that I thought… maybe I could eventually move on.”
“And did you?” His gaze lingers on my mouth before flicking back up. “Move on?”
“No,” I whisper, shaking my head. “He was with Elas, and I…”
“You…?”
I sigh with a helpless shrug. “I was in love with your ghost. There was nothing left to offer anyone besides you, Bash.”
His hand weaves through my hair and tugs me forward, pressing a kiss to my lips so faint it’s barely more than shared breath.
I bite my lip as he pulls back. “You and Cato?”
His smile is rueful, bordering on embarrassed as he shakes his head. “I tried to move on, too. It didn’t work well for me either.”
My nostrils flare as jealous anger builds inside my chest, and Bash tracks it in that observant way he’s always had about him.
He guides me to recline against him, and his fingers slip underneath my shirt to brush at the bare skin of my hip.
Static crackles between us, enough to make me draw in a sharp breath, but he only continues with the gentle, calming swirl of his fingertips.
“Finish your story,” he says. “Tell me more.”
Fighting through how his touch demands my attention, I force myself to talk. I give him every gritty detail of Ljómur’s destruction and everything we’ve learned since then—the portals, the way they react to the magic, our desire to open them.
“What do they want to do if they can open them?”
“Go through,” I say with a flourish of my hand. “Fulfill the prophecy and try to fix this world.”
“You think that’s possible?” he asks.
I pause, closing my eye as the sun shines its final rays over the city. I savor the warmth of his body against mine as I shrug. “Anything’s possible. I think it’s worth trying.”
“And you need me?”
“I’ve always needed you,” I whisper.
He takes in a shuddering breath as he dips his finger lower, pushing it under the waist of my pants.
“Why’d you come after all this time, Xen?” he asks, voice quiet.
“Because we need your help,” I say, the words tumbling out on autopilot. “Your research could be the missing piece—”
His arms band tighter around my middle. “That’s not why.”
I take a deep breath, shoving aside the story I told the others so many times that I'd tried to believe it myself.
Instead, I give him the truth.
“No, you're right,” I admit. “It isn’t. I came because I’m selfish.
Because they think I’m dead, and because every moment of every day since I watched them drag you away, I’ve been desperate to get you back.
And then that place blew up, and the rubble hadn’t even settled before I realized this meant I might be able to have you. ”
He hums thoughtfully, and I glance over at his expression. “Even after you read my name in the list of casualties, you knew I wasn’t dead.”
The soft brush of his fingers turns firm as he grips my hipbone and holds it against his body. “I knew.”
“Your mark,” I realize.
We’d seen firsthand the results of one mate dying and leaving the other behind in this world. He would’ve recognized the signs right away, and I feel like an idiot for not considering it sooner.
“It didn’t change, no, but that wasn’t how I knew. If something had happened to you, I would’ve felt it.”
“Do you wish it had?” I force the words out despite my fear of his answer. “Do you wish I’d died in that explosion?”
“Of course not, Xen.”
“You would’ve been free of me.”
Bash’s other hand snakes around my chest and hugs me against him. His fingers are still tucked inside my waistband, and I haven’t felt this safe in years. His lips press against the curve of my shoulder and move up my neck, and I tilt my head as I shiver.
“I’ll never be free of you,” he murmurs against my skin.
“Do you want to be?”
He draws a lengthy, steadying breath and rests his forehead on my shoulder. The light fades further, and disappointment chokes me when he never answers.
When he finally speaks, the quiet has stretched so long the words startle me.
“What would’ve happened if we’d never been caught?” he asks. “Would we have stayed there forever, or would we have run away?”
“I couldn’t have risked running,” I answer without hesitation. “They would’ve never stopped looking for us.”