Chapter 20 Xeni #2
He sighs again, and I can feel his frustration growing as he asks, “What makes you think we’re that important?”
Stars have emerged in the sky above us, dotting between the breaks in the clouds. They aren’t nearly as bright as the ones we see at the village, but they’re still beautiful.
“We knew too much, Bash.”
“It’s nice to picture, though, isn’t it? That we could’ve left that life behind?” He hugs me tighter. “Where would we have gone?”
A smile threatens my lips as his fingers resume their slow perusal of my skin. “To the ocean.”
“Mmm,” he agrees with another of those gentle kisses to my neck. “We could’ve found a little hidden strip of land. Had a hut right on the water… a hammock between two trees, and sand everywhere.”
“You hate the sand,” I say.
His cheeks lift in a smile. “Yeah, I do. I would’ve gotten over it, though. We could’ve built a home—”
“You would’ve built it,” I tease as my smile grows along with his, “while I watched and shouted praise from the shade.”
“Spoiled princess.”
A soft chuckle leaves me. “You love it.”
“Yeah,” he whispers with a cutting edge of sadness. “Yeah, I do.”
The air thickens again as I sense his withdrawal. Things have gotten too honest, too raw, and he’s shutting down. He tries to pull his hand back from my hip, but I reach down and clutch his wrist.
“Don’t go,” I beg into the night. “Not yet. Stay with me a little longer.”
He rests his forehead against my shoulder, and his swallow is audible in the quiet. “This is so fucking hard, Xen. We can sit here and talk about what might’ve been, but it doesn’t change reality. What did you think would happen when you showed up? That I would just forget everything you did?”
“Not forget, no,” I force myself to say. “Forgive, maybe.”
“I can’t pick up my life and follow you on this wild quest. Not when you can’t guarantee you won’t leave me again.”
“I won’t,” I swear, but allow him to pull his hand away. I spin, letting my knees fall on either side of his hips.
His eyes are pleading as they lift to mine. “What happens to me if you do?”
One of his hands reaches for my face, brushing my cheekbone and tracing my lower lip.
“I loved you too much, Xen. Look where it got me.”
“Loved?”
“Don’t,” he pleads as a fresh wave of devastation sweeps over him.
“They had to sedate me, you know,” I whisper.
“After they pulled you away from me. For weeks, I was locked in a room with enough drugs in my system to knock out someone twice my size. Every time I regained consciousness, I exploded. I screamed so loud my vocal cords swelled shut, and I threw myself against the door until I broke my arm.”
“There was no emotion on your face,” he says, and the accusation cuts deep. “When they dragged me away from you, you just watched. You didn’t even fight… it was like you didn’t fucking care.”
I shake my head as the memory of that day crashes over me. “If I had shown you how much it was killing me to watch you go, you would’ve never stopped trying to come back for me. I had to protect you.”
“What is it you were protecting me from?” he demands. “Ljómur? We were already there, Xen. We were part of that world. I would rather have been there with you than anywhere else, but you took away my choice.”
“Because I knew what you would choose.”
“I would’ve chosen you,” he says as agitation tightens his features. “Every single fucking time, I would’ve chosen you.”
I wince at his anger. “I was choosing you—”
“You were taking the easy way out,” he accuses, and his eyes beg me to say something, anything, to make it better.
A pained laugh leaves my throat, and I shake my head. “Do you really think anything about this has been easy? Watching you go changed me, Bash. It destroyed me, but I did it for you. And I’m sorry.”
My voice cracks as I swallow, trying to get myself back under control.
“I’ll never stop being sorry for what it did to you. I’ll make it up to you. Whatever it takes, I’ll do it.”
I inch closer, and he closes his eyes but doesn’t pull away, so I push my luck with more bold words.
“We can be good together again,” I whisper.
My mouth finds his in a touch that’s barely more than a brush, and his whimper is helpless as he weaves his fingers into my hair.
There’s nothing tentative about the pressure of his lips.
Nothing unfamiliar or questioning, only unrestrained need and unspoken words.
His nails scrape against my scalp, and I shiver, ready to dive in headfirst when he rips his mouth from mine.
His chest heaves as his pulse thuds in his neck, and the hand that was just in my hair now rests on my sternum, holding me back. I push my weight forward into his palm, but don’t force myself closer.
“Let me in, Bash. Please?”
“It’s so easy,” he murmurs, more to himself than to me, though his eyes don’t leave mine. “So fucking easy to fall back into this with you.”
“So do it,” I plead. “Fall with me.”
His lips purse as he stands, but as agitated as his movements are, his hands are careful as they hold on to me. His grip never loosens as he eases my feet to the ground. The muscles in his jaw clench as he grits his teeth, trapping whatever words are trying to break free.
“I need time,” he manages to say, and turns toward the door.
“Time for what?” I hurry to follow, gripping the edge of his shirt.
He whirls and storms back to me, lifting me by my thighs and carrying me backward until I’m sitting on the concrete barrier. My stomach swoops at the drop from this rooftop to the streets below.
There’s no fear, though, as I clutch his shirt and stare into his eyes. He cups my cheeks again—gently, so gently, like he’s afraid I might break.
Like I wouldn’t welcome becoming his ruin.
Wind gusts between the buildings, and my hair swirls around us. For a moment, I think he’ll just walk away and leave me here, hanging off the end of the world, where it would take so little to teeter over the edge. But his hands don’t loosen their grip, and he doesn’t let me fall.
“I need time to remember you aren’t the bad guy,” he says, lips brushing the side of my face, “and to believe you won’t hurt me again.”
The chasm in my heart gouges deeper, but I don’t argue. Although his words sting, they’re valid.
“Whatever you need, darling,” I whisper. “I’ll give you whatever you need.”
His restraint snaps as he pulls me forward, his kiss more bruising this time. My knees spread as his arm bands around my waist, and the breeze hits my bare skin as my shirt lifts under his hand. Fabric squeezes between my fingers as I tug him closer.
His groan vibrates against my lips as he works my mouth open. My tongue dips into his mouth, but he chases it with his in this back-and-forth fight for dominance that’s so uniquely ours.
My hands move to cradle his cheeks as his roam my hair and body, and we kiss until I’m sure I’m going to drown in it. Our bodies are fused, pushed together until there’s no space between us.
We're chest to chest, hip to hip, with arms binding us like stitches.
There’s no self-preservation here.
No caution.
We both rip ourselves bare with no concern for the consequences.
By the time he pulls away, my lips are swollen, and I ache to my very bones. Patience has never been a weapon in my arsenal, and I’m desperate to move past this gray area.
Bash stares at me for a long moment. He cradles my head and tucks me into his neck, and the show of tenderness brings me to the verge of tears.
“If we do this, that’s it for me, Xen,” he says as he kisses my temple. “There’s no coming back from this a second time. No moving on, and no getting over it if you break my heart again.”
“I won’t,” I whisper, still clutching his shirt.
The thud of a door sounds from behind us, and I wait for Bash to leave me—separate himself so he can pretend there’s nothing here. But he doesn’t pull away, only runs his hand over my hair as someone climbs the stairs.
“Oh,” Sakane says when he spots us. “Um, Dom? Can I, uh, steal you? Sorry to interrupt…”
“Yeah, of course,” Bash responds, and he pulls me off the ledge and places me on my feet. Gentle fingers pinch my chin and tilt my face to his, and he kisses me once more.
“Time, princess. I just need time. Will you wait for me?”
“I’ll always wait for you,” I answer softly enough to stay between us, and another wave of emotion crosses his face before he swipes his thumb over my bottom lip and walks away.