Chapter 10 #2
As much as I didn’t want to talk about my shit-for-brains ex with him, of all people, he deserved to know why I’d been in the worst headspace.
“This isn’t an excuse about before,” I started, because it wasn’t.
“What I said was wrong, and I know you forgive me,” I added when he sucked in a breath, “but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel like shit about it.
” I took a single moment to try and shove Leon’s face out of my memory.
“I was in the middle of a really bad breakup when I got the assignment with the PPHL.”
Tiago was so quiet I had to look over at him, and he seemed a bit surprised. “Oh. Okay.”
“Like I said, it’s not an excuse, but I really wasn’t myself.” I squeezed the wheel until my knuckles ached. “I met my ex when I was in grad school. He was, ah—fuck, this is going to sound so bad.”
Tiago cleared his throat. “Let me guess. Your teacher?”
“Well, not mine, but yes. He was a teacher. Is a teacher. We fooled around during my last semester of grad school, and then right before I was about to graduate, he asked me if I wanted to make things official. Then, a year and a half ago, he started floating the idea of living together. He got a job at the college and asked me to pause my applications for my PhD program and move in with him.”
“Well. That’s fucked-up,” Tiago blurted.
I nearly laughed. “I guess. I was kind of already on the fence about whether I wanted to keep doing school. I was feeling lost and still struggling with the grief of losing my mom, and it didn’t sound like the worst idea in the world.”
Tiago was quiet for a second, then asked, “What happened to her?”
I was a little surprised by the question. “You don’t know? ESPN did a whole thing about it on the profile they did when my dad took the Glaciers job.”
Tiago grimaced. “ESPN isn’t my favorite.”
That was fair enough. I took a breath to brace myself, but in reality, it wasn’t hard to talk about anymore.
“It was six years ago. She was at a stoplight and was T-boned by a car that started hydroplaning. It wasn’t anyone’s fault.
” My throat got a little tight because it was a reminder that I had no one to blame.
Not really. “The storm was sudden and unexpected, and there wasn’t anything she or the driver could have done.
She ah…she was in a coma for a while, but eventually, her body started to shut down. ”
“Fuck,” he whispered. “I am so sorry.”
“Yeah.” My voice cracked, and I hated that. I took a second to recover. “I was really close with her. My dad took it really hard. I think it was one of the reasons he took the job in Boston. He wanted to be somewhere different—to move away from all the heavy memories of life before. You know?”
Tiago licked his lips. “I could see that. I’ve never lost anyone, but I think I might want to do the same.”
I nodded, then remembered he probably couldn’t see that.
“Anyway, I think part of my thing with Leon was me coping with the grief in a really, really bad way. He was all walking red flags. But around the time we moved was the time my dad took the coaching job, and that’s when a position opened up for the Sports Gazette.
I’d wanted to be some kind of journalist since I was a kid.
I always figured something to do with nature or anthropology.
I spent a gap year taking photos all around Canada and really enjoyed it. ”
“So why get stuck in a smelly-ass hockey locker room?” Tiago asked.
I burst into laughter. “I don’t know. At the time, I thought the universe was sending me a sign. I mean, the Gazette office shared a building with Leon’s department, so his office was right by my desk. It seemed like…”
“Kismet?” Tiago offered. “Is that the right word? I didn’t actually go to college.”
I snorted. “Kismet works, but I don’t actually believe in that. I think I was just telling myself it was meant to be. But, like I said, Leon was all walking red flags, and he treated me like shit most of the time.”
“Why did you stay?” Tiago asked.
I winced, but it was a fair question. “I was lonely and hurting. And he could be so fucking nice sometimes, especially when he thought I was reaching my breaking point. And in the back of my head, I knew the way we were was kind of fucked-up, but I wanted to believe I was special to him. Like I was worth changing for.”
“Let me guess,” Tiago said flatly, “you were one of a dozen?”
“Definitely more than a dozen,” I confessed, my stomach twisting on itself.
“I didn’t find out until well after I signed my contract with the Gazette.
Luckily, it wasn’t a long one, and I didn’t mind having them on my resume.
But after we broke up and I packed all my shit and moved out, I still had to see him all the time. ”
“Well, fuck,” Tiago breathed.
I burst into laughter. “Couldn’t have put it better myself. So yeah, I was a huge dick to everyone around me, and part of it was on purpose. I was hurting, and I think I just wanted to be mean. I thought maybe it would make me feel better.”
“Did it?”
Biting my lip, I fought off a small sigh. “Not when I was mean to you. But I was in over my head so far, I didn’t know how to stop.”
“Is that why you wrote that last article?”
This wasn’t the first time he’d brought that up, and when we hit the next light, I turned to look at him. “I don’t understand what you mean. I printed exactly what you said.”