Chapter 20 #2
I felt the same. I used my walking cane since my knee was throbbing and let him guide me up the street.
The walk was less than a minute, and when Aravind got the door open, I could smell heavy cleaning supplies.
The room was also very dark until he’d flipped on several lights, and then I was able to see him standing in the middle of a very small living room.
The place was barely a closet, but I didn’t care. We were alone, and the door was locked, and no one had the code but us.
Aravind shuffled his feet a few times, and then suddenly, he was crossing the room, and I managed to catch him in my arms, falling back against a wall as he shoved his face into my neck.
“I think I’m having a panic attack,” he murmured.
I swept him into a fierce hold, then sank to the ground and let him straddle my thighs. His breathing was uneven and shallow, but the tighter I held him, the better he sounded.
“What can I do?” I whispered.
“Nothing. Just…” He groaned softly and rubbed his nose over my collarbone. “My dad told me he had a surprise for me. I had no clue that’s what it was.”
“Aravind, that sounds like a dream job.”
He pulled back and put a palm against my cheek, and I closed my eyes, basking in his touch.
“It is my dream job, but as much as I don’t want to prioritize someone who could easily break my heart—and you could, trust me—I don’t think I can do five years.
Not…not without you. And I will not ask you to make that kind of decision. ”
“I feel like this hypothetical relationship and future is standing in your way,” I told him.
He blew out a puff of air. “I like to listen to my gut. It rarely lies to me. When I met Leon, my gut told me he was a piece of shit, and I was distracted by his love bombing and the fact that I liked his fucking glasses.”
I barked out a laugh. I had no idea what Leon looked like, but I could picture someone very tall and nerdy for Aravind. “That’s fair. So what does your gut say about this job?”
“That it’s a job. That I can find another job I enjoy, but I’m never going to find another man like you. And I’m not willing to give up my whole life for the idea of a relationship, but I am willing to say no to something that might take me away from you before we figure out what this even is.”
I held him a little tighter. I didn’t know what to say. My heart was screaming for me to be selfish, but another part of me didn’t want to stop him from something that could change his life for the better.
“Also, we don’t know what’s going to happen with you and hockey,” he went on. “Maybe—if it’s…if the news isn’t, you know.” He paused, then swallowed so thickly I could hear it catch in his throat. “If it means you don’t go back to hockey, you could consider coming with me. Seeing the world a bit?”
Seeing the world. In what way? But the idea had merit, and what better way to cope with everything happening to my body than learning to experience a bunch of new things with the love of my life on my arm?
“That seems like a big leap for two men who really didn’t like each other all that much less than a month ago.”
Aravind huffed, then burst into laughter. The laughter didn’t last long. His shoulders started to shake, and I knew he was crying.
“Oh, my heart,” I murmured.
He nuzzled against my neck. “You haven’t called me that before.”
“In French, it’s mon coeur.”
“Oh,” he said with a sniff. “And I understand what you’re saying. It’s ridiculous for me to even ask. I mean, you probably need a break from me after this long, so five years is—”
“Stop.” He went quiet and pulled back a little. “This has nothing to do with you being too much. But we really haven’t spent enough time together outside of this bubble to know if you want to be around me for that long. I’m not easy either.”
“Ha!” he laughed. “Honey, I knew that from the moment I walked into that locker room and saw you half-naked on the bench. You had a look on your face that told me you were all trouble.”
With a grin, I reached up and traced his collarbone. “It’s more than that, you know. Living with me is…it might be complicated. I need things a certain way to live comfortably in my house.”
“I know,” he said softly. “I…have I not been—”
“You have,” I said, cutting him off. “You’ve been amazing.
You keep everything neat, and you made sure everyone who came into the house did the same thing.
I didn’t feel like I had to work hard just to exist with you.
But it’s one thing to be on vacation. It’s another to live like that all the time. ”
He hummed under his breath. “It wasn’t hard.
Half the stuff you liked are things I do at home anyway.
I have raging ADHD, so things have to have their place, or I’ll never find them.
And…and it’s not like sighted people can’t live happily with blind people, right?
Alexio does it. Vanya does it. There are guys on your team who are married or with people who can see, and they live just fine, don’t they? ”
It was a fair point. Alexio and Vanya fucked up sometimes, but they never complained about being corrected. And Jonah and Micah were happier than they’d ever been.
“It sounds like you’re trying to talk me out of falling for you,” Aravind said, his voice suddenly small.
I gripped his chin. “No. Absolutely not. I—shit.”
I was going to say it, wasn’t I. There was a good chance he’d freak out and go running, but there was also a chance he felt the same. And maybe we were in the vacation bubble, but I was a thousand percent sure my feelings weren’t going to change the moment we left the island.
“What?” he begged. “Just tell me.”
“I think I’m falling in love with you.”
There was a heavy silence, and then he said, “Don’t fucking lie to me.”
“I’m not. And I understand if it’s too much, but—”
I didn’t get the chance to finish my sentence. He cut off my words with the most powerful, messy, mean, demanding kiss I had ever had in my life. And I loved every single second of it.
Even after he pulled away.