20. Nellie
TWENTY
NELLIE
“It’s not that I want them to die,” I say, peeking through the window that faces my backyard. “I just don’t want them to be there anymore. A retirement home, or just a different house that’s not next to me, or… spontaneous combustion.”
“To be fair,” Izzy says, coming up beside me, “spontaneous combustion would most definitely result in death.”
I shrug as I catch sight of Mrs. Dipietro squinting into my backyard from her deck. “Okay, maybe death is the best option. There’s no coming back from it,” I huff, sitting back down on my stool at the island and immediately feeling guilty.
“Why do you let them control when you can and can’t be in your own yard?” Izzy asks, still staring out the window.
“Because I’m afraid that one day one of them is going to say something so unforgivable, I’m going to end up saying something that will shock them so thoroughly they’ll drop dead.”
“Problem solved!” Izzy claps.
“I don’t want to kill them, Iz,” I gasp. “When they die, I want it to be of natural causes, preferably peacefully in their sleep. And not until it’s their time. ”
“Well, excuse me for taking this conversation to a dark place.”
“Okay,” Tom says, sighing heavily as he walks into the kitchen. “The faucet is no longer dripping every three seconds. It was a pretty simple fix. You probably could have done it yourself.”
“She’s aware, honey. But she also knows that she didn’t want to do it, and if it happens again, she won’t want to do it then either.”
I point over at Izzy. “That’s exactly it. Besides, I had to finish the salad.”
“Is it the one with grapes and asiago?” Tom asks, walking over to the counter where a saran-wrapped bowl sits.
“It is,” I reply slyly.
“Okay, we’re even.”
“Also, when I get a dog, you get to come play with it whenever you want. Unless I’m entertaining, then you have to wait.”
“You’re not getting a dog,” Izzy says, as she starts packing up stuff to go to Bennett and Marley’s. “You don’t have time.”
“Well, that’s because I pick up extra work, due to the fact I don’t have a life. If I had a dog, it would give me some more”—I pretend to think—“damn, what’s that thing called when you work but also do stuff you want to do for fun? There are scales and shit…”
“Work-life balance?” Tom tosses out.
I snap my fingers and nod. “Yes, work-life balance. I think a dog would help with that.”
Izzy’s eyes narrow at her husband. “Don’t for one second think that’s an excuse for us to get a dog. You balance plenty with work.”
“Babe, golf is work.”
“Oh?” Izzy looks taken aback. “Is that why you practically skip out the door for tee time while you grumble the whole way out the door when you’re going to the hospital?”
“Balance.” He grins at her.
“It’s going to be a long fucking drive.” She grabs the bag of party decorations and heads for the door. “May as well get it started now.”
Despite Izzy’s mood as we walked out the front door, she laughs with Tom and me for most of the drive. She’s always been the most buttoned-up out of the three of us. Marley is the adventurer with the mouth of a sailor. Izzy is the adult, married with kids, and I’m the nerdy serial dater, unable to find the right guy. On paper we don’t work, but in practice there are no two other people I’d rather call my best friends.
“Are you and Teddy going to be weird again?” Izzy asks from the front seat as we pull onto the gravel road to Bennett’s.
“We aren’t weird.”
“You’re weird,” Tom and Izzy say in unison.
“There’s this strange energy with you two,” Izzy says, turning to look at me, her eyes narrowing as she studies me. “I’ve never seen two strangers act like scorned lovers who wanted to be loving lovers before.”
I sit up straighter and run my suddenly sweaty palms down my thighs. I haven’t told anyone a thing. Izzy doesn’t even know about how Teddy and I got hot and heavy in my car when I brought Marley back last winter. Yet she’s looking at me as if she’s been told about it.
Shrugging, I look her straight in the eye with as much confidence as I can muster. “I don’t know what to tell you, Iz. How should we act? Like old friends? Like current lovers?”
“You could talk?” Tom suggests from the driver’s seat, his eyes finding mine briefly in the rearview mirror.
“That is a good and normal start,” Izzy agrees. “Act less like he’s oil and you’re vinegar. ”
“I can act as mustard for you if you want,” Tom says.
My traitorous imagination immediately flashes an oiled-up Teddy, which is appealing until Tom appears wearing a French’s yellow mustard costume and an inappropriate grin. “That sounds like a euphemism for threesome.” I cringe.
“She’s right, it sounds like a line they’d use in a porn about an orgy in a restaurant,” Izzy adds, turning back to face the front. “You know they’d use lots of oil too.”
“As a doctor, I’d have to advise against using mustard,” Tom says thoughtfully. “Especially Dijon.”
I sit back and listen to them as they continue discussing what edible things could be used in place of mustard as an emulsifier in a porn setting. Their voices fade the minute Bennett’s place comes into view, and I see a tall dark-haired figure walking towards the house, five dogs zigzagging around his legs.
If how I felt was visual, it would be TV static. Black and white dots vibrating below the surface of my skin, warming and cooling me at the same time.
Teddy stops just before he reaches the porch and turns to watch Tom park, then waves when we are all out of the car. I realize my hand is in the air, returning it before I know what I’m doing. A smile, albeit a small one, appears on Teddy’s face, and when I look away, I find myself greeted by Izzy mouthing, “Good start.” Doing my best to keep my face neutral, I start gathering stuff to bring inside, only then to discover that Izzy has dragged Tom behind the car to have what appears to be an intense private conversation. I glance back toward the house where Teddy is standing, hands in his jean pockets, head tilted ever so slightly to the left, eyes on me. His hair is shorter, as is his beard, and I can’t help but wonder if he’s tidied up his rugged appearance for me.
As much as I wish, or partly wish, that I could avoid him forever, he lives in the apartment in the barn now, and from the way Marley talks, Teddy and Bennett are the best of friends. I need to just suck it up and be an adult. Sure, Teddy and I had tried the friend thing once, and it bloomed like a rose bush on speed to something more, but I’d been there, done that, and could probably stay the course now. Then he has to go and pick up a dog who I now realize is one of the Christmas puppies, and I’m suddenly filled with an incredible sense of want.
I straighten as much as possible, plaster a cordial expression on my face, and walk toward Teddy with as much confidence as I can muster. The feeling only lasts for a few seconds however as my toe catches the edge of the flagstone path, and my confidence plummets only slightly faster than me and the porcelain bowl that has slipped out of my hands. I do manage to think Nightmare, this is a nightmare just before my body makes contact with the ground.
I look up just in time to see Teddy step on what I think is an escaped grape and watch helplessly as his arms windmill in a desperate attempt to grab air to stay upright. He fails, of course, on account of air being, well, air.
“Oh no,” I hear Tom say as he approaches. “The salad.”
Izzy, on the other hand, is holding onto the hood of the car as she laughs hysterically. “I’m going to piss my pants,” she manages to get out. I know she means it too; I’ve witnessed a few very close calls with her.
“Are you okay?” Teddy asks in the middle of jumping up like he didn’t just perform the most perfect comedic fall I’ve ever seen. He holds out his hand, but I’m more concerned about the dogs making their way over to investigate.
“I’m fine, but can you keep them away from the food?” Pointing at the dogs. Teddy looks back towards the dogs as they reach us. “There are grapes,” I shriek, scrambling to cover what little poison bombs I can reach .
“I’m on it.” Tom jumps into action, grabbing a couple of the smaller dogs and jogging towards the fenced-in field.
“Be right back.” Teddy gives a sharp whistle and the others immediately follow him.
“That was one way to make an entrance,” Izzy says from above me.
“Do you think anyone noticed?” I laugh, shifting onto my butt.
“Nah, I think it was subtle enough to fly under the radar,” she says as another fit of giggles racks her body.
“He hasn’t looked at Tom or me since we arrived, by the way. That clumsy man only has eyes for your clumsy ass. So when he offers you his hand again, you better suck it up and take it,” she hisses as the guys get back sans dogs.
While Tom bends to help Izzy with the rest of the mess, Teddy once again holds out his hand, and this time I take it, although I do so reluctantly. His hands, once soft, are now rough with permanent calluses. Something I’d briefly noted as they glided across my skin a few months ago. Shivers spread through my body at the memory, and the minute I’m standing, I drop his hand.
An involuntary hiss leaves me as I take the first step. Teddy looks down at my jean-clad knee. “Sure you’re okay?”
“It’s just bruised.” I shrug as we make our way to the house. I bruise like a rotten peach if there’s a stiff breeze. I’m sure my knee is going to look like an eyeshadow palette exploded on it within the hour.
“I guess now we’re even,” he says when he opens the door and gestures for me to go first.
“How?” I ask, slipping my shoes off in the entry and heading straight to the sink to wash my hands.
“That day in the woods when I slipped and fell.” He holds a towel out for me to dry my hands. “That remains the most mortifying moment of my life, but less so today.”
That day in the woods, out for an innocent hike that led to a first kiss that still lives in my head rent-free. Who has their first kiss in front of a waterfall, serenaded by birds and witnessed by no one else? Come the fuck on.
“Did you hit your head and forget the part where you also fell today?”
He shrugs and offers me a grin that shouldn’t make my knees as wobbly as they suddenly feel. “I can claim I was falling to make you feel better.” He used to make me feel better just by being there. Everything used to feel pretty great when Teddy was there. I miss him being there.
I was going to wait and figure out how to bring up the vibes we are giving off, but the words leave my mouth before I even think. “I want to be friends,” I blurt out.
“What?” Teddy asks, towel held out between us as I stand there staring at it, not at him.
“Or I want to pretend to be friends, or friendly at least.”
I take the towel, look up at him, and watch as he registers what I’m saying. “Okay,” He draws out the word, his right hand returning to his pocket while his left begins to fidget with the ring on his forefinger. It is an action that will always make me think of the train. “Why, exactly? I mean, why exactly do we have to pretend? Why can’t we just be friends?”
“Because I’m not ready for that yet.” We need to go slow , I think to myself. Where have I heard that before?
“And we are pretending to be friends for their benefit?” He points to the door.
“Comments have been made about our not-so-subtle avoidance of one another. And I don’t want to tell them why because I don’t want them to hate you the way I did for so long. ”
“Do you still hate me?” He has stopped spinning the ring and has both hands in his pockets now.
I look up into those pale blue eyes, the same ones that captivated me so long ago. The only difference being the fine lines that have appeared at the corners. “No,” I admit quietly. “Hate is an exhausting emotion. I don’t know how I feel about you now, but I don’t hate you, Teddy.” Right now I feel a bit like I did all those years ago. I want to kiss him, but I also want to push him away and never see him again. I don’t feel equipped to deal with these emotions. Him leaving wasn’t like any other breakup. I didn’t know it was coming, there was no warning, and until a few of months ago, there was no reason. Twelve years is a long time to sit with heartache coated in questions.
“I’m sure she’ll make the salad again this summer, babe,” Izzy drawls as they come through the door. “Oh, sorry if we’re interrupting, I’ve just really gotta use the toilet.”
I drag my eyes from Teddy’s and watch as Izzy hustles to the hall bathroom and then looks back at Tom, who stands sheepishly in the entry staring at us while holding what remains of my bowl and salad.
“I’m not sure what to do with this,” he says, nodding down at his hands.
“Here.” Teddy pulls a garbage bag out of a cupboard and holds it open for Tom. “I’ll go through it later and separate the food from the bowl.”
“How green of you.” Tom grins, tipping everything into the bag.
“Have to balance with the number of balloons Cass is inflating in the barn. Speaking of balloons, I thought the kids were coming.”
“Izzy’s grandmother is over from Korea, so her parents thought it would be nice for them to spend some more time with her. Apparently they will be doing a lot of cooking. ”
“That’ll be nice for them,” I say, bending to wipe up the drops of water that fell from my fingers while I stood awkwardly in front of Teddy. “Izzy has some great stories of cooking with her. Come to think of it, she’s got some good ones of cooking with her Polish grandmother too.”
“The woman can fold any kind of dumpling like a pro,” Tom tells us. “Anyway, I was thinking as we were cleaning this up, it’s a good thing you weren’t carrying the cake, eh?” His eyes widen comically at the thought.
“I’m not sure Izzy would have been laughing so hard about that,” I agree.