11. Lyra
I t felt like I’d just closed my eyes for a moment, but when I opened them again, the sun was setting. Pascal had shifted us, so I was lying between his legs with my head on his stomach as he rested against the arm of the couch. The living room lights were low, but I could easily see Fawn draped over a sleeping Tanner’s back, slowly kicking his feet as he watched whatever show was on the television.
I yawned and stretched, drawing Fawn’s and Pascal’s attention. My Alpha wrapped his arms around me in a warm, loving hug before helping me to sit with my back to his chest.
“Hello there, sleepy head,” Fawn greeted, having crawled over to kneel by the couch. “You crashed hard, angel.”
Still a little groggy, I rubbed my eyes, trying to get my brain to understand I was going to be awake for a while. “How long have I been out?”
“About four-ish hours,” Pascal answered, then pressed a kiss to my temple and turned me slightly so he could see my face. “Clearly, you needed the rest. Beautiful, are your nightmares worse than you’ve told us they are?”
My shoulders slumped, knowing I’d been caught. “They aren’t the worst I’ve experienced, but each night I feel them getting more intense. New memories are surfacing, adding another level of fear and chaos. Not being alone when I sleep has helped a lot, but now even that is starting to fail.”
“Starlight, why didn’t you say anything?” Tanner asked from where he was now sitting cross-legged on the floor.
“It’s hard to explain,” I whispered, dropping my gaze to my hands.
Fawn’s delicate hands wrapped around mine, drawing my attention to him. “Will you try? Please, even if we don’t fully understand, I think it’s important we know how you feel. Keeping your emotions locked inside yourself only makes things worse, trust me, I know. For a long time, I couldn’t express how I was feeling without screaming, crying, or needing to punch something. But I didn’t give up, and eventually, I learned how to fully process what I was feeling to communicate it better. No matter what you say, it won’t change how we feel about you.”
I was beginning to understand what Dr. Mann said about how bonds between my pack and myself would change how I viewed things. While Fawn’s words were impactful, I could also feel the truth and honesty as if they were my own. If I had the same connection with the others, never again would I have to wonder what they were truly thinking.
“I’m afraid to admit my nightmares are back and getting worse because it means all the work I did to this point was for nothing. I’ve been fighting for years to have as normal a life as I can, but with one incident, I’m back at square one,” I admitted. “All of you might not care if you’re woken up by my screaming or jolting awake in a panic, but I do. These are my wounds, and I shouldn’t let them bleed into your lives when all of you have done so much for me already. I’ve never felt so safe, valued, or cherished in my life. How can I ask for anything more?”
Pascal gripped my hips and lifted me, causing a squeak of surprise to burst out of me. He twisted me around so I now faced him, straddling his legs. I was trapped in his amber gaze, made only more dynamic against the gold of his glasses and the depth of his skin.
“Lyra, I want you to listen to what I’m about to say,” Pascal instructed as he caught my chin in a gentle hold.
I opened my mouth, but Pascal used his hold to shut it.
“No, that’s not listening,” he warned, using a tone I’d never heard from him before. Regardless, it did the trick because Pascal now had my full attention. “I need you to listen to understand, not respond. Can you do that for me, beautiful?”
Pascal was an Alpha, I knew that. Yet it wasn’t until moments like this when that otherworldly sensation rippled over my skin and my instincts told me to submit. As an Omega, unless an Alpha used his bark to force a command onto an Omega, I still had the choice to listen to my instincts or not. When it came to Pascal, my shy, smart, and gentle Alpha, I would always submit simply because he hardly ever asked it of me. Giving in to his request, I gave a small nod as I placed my hands on his chest and felt the slow, steady beat of his heart.
“You. Are. Not. Broken,” Pascal announced with authority and certainty. “Every single one of us in this pack carries wounds from our pasts. Some have healed, while others might still be raw and bleed every so often. I understand what you mean when you say being part of this pack was the first time you felt accepted for who you are and all that comes with it. My family wanted a son, an Alpha, who would elevate our family name to even greater heights than my father had. Instead, they got me, an Alpha who didn’t like power, sex, or being the center of attention. In their eyes, I was a failure on all accounts.”
My eyes widened at Pascal’s words, stunned by how his parents couldn’t see the amazing man their son was.
“When I first moved into the house with the others, we clashed a lot,” Pascal admitted, which had Tanner chuckling. “I didn’t just bring my belongings into the house with me. No, all that disappointment and the giant chip on my shoulder because of it came too. Whenever the guys said I did something wrong or didn’t meet the standard my parents beat into me, I lashed out. There was a moment during the worst fight I’d gotten into with Tanner I’d thought about packing my shit up and leaving. Why would they want to have a prick like me living with them when all three of them were trying so hard to make things work? Obviously, I was the problem. It certainly wasn’t any of the others since no one could help but love Fawn, and Tanner was already in a relationship with Zac.”
Unable to keep silent, the words tumbled out of my mouth. “What made you stay?”
Pascal smiled as he cupped my cheek. “The same thing I’m doing right now, my precious, beautiful Omega.”
Confused, I felt my brow crinkle as I looked at Tanner and Fawn to see if they understood. I sucked in a sharp breath as I realized Zachary and Eli had joined us. My attention had been so focused on Pascal that I’d missed Eli coming home.
Zachary pushed off the wall he’d been leaning against near the entry to the living room and walked over to us. I had to tilt my head back to keep my gaze on his face when he stopped right in front of me.
“I don’t understand,” I said, my voice sounding almost as if it was pleading for someone to give me the answer.
Zachary’s gaze flicked to his right as Eli joined our odd family circle, then back to me. “We did what no one else had… we fought to keep him.”
The room fell silent, but there was a weight to the air around us, as if something profound was happening. Yet, I still felt lost to its meaning.
“Lyra,” Tanner called softly, drawing my gaze to where he sat with Fawn tucked against his side. “Who was the last person in your life who never gave up on you no matter how hard you tried to get them to leave?”
“Elora,” I answered without hesitation. “Besides my fathers, she’s been the only person who’s never turned their back or given up on me.”
Fawn’s eyes grew glassy as if he was trying to fight back tears at my words, and it caught me a little off-guard. Was what I said really so sad?
“Well, angel, you can add the five of us to that list because fighting for each other is what we do in this pack,” Fawn announced.
My brows shot up as I looked between Tanner and Zachary. Surely, with how deep their love for each other was even to this day, they couldn’t have feared one of them walking away?
“Zachary and I met for the first time in a government building waiting area, but I don’t remember it. After my skateboard accident, I was in a bad place, depressed, in pain, and lonely. Everyone I’d ever known was part of the skate world, and when I couldn’t live that life anymore, I was left behind,” Tanner shared as if he’d guessed my train of thought.
“Eventually, I found myself addicted to pain pills, drowning my sorrows with liquor while the meds numbed everything else. One day, I made the mistake of buying from an undercover cop and wound up getting arrested. I don’t know how or why I deserved it, but I was sentenced to rehab and community service instead of jail. The rehab was only two weeks, just long enough to get me through withdrawal. I relapsed, surprising no one, but I tried to play it off and went to meet my probation officer like nothing was wrong. As I waited to get called back to his office, I was oblivious to the fact I was sitting next to the man who would one day change my life.” Tanner reached out for Zachary, who took Tanner’s hand and gave it a firm squeeze.
“I was just out of barber school and waiting to take my licensing test. Turns out I was sitting in the wrong waiting area, but fate knew what it was doing even if it wasn’t time for my story with Tanner to start,” Zachary said, with a rueful shake of his head. “I couldn’t help but notice the man. He was sexy as sin even though it was clear he was going through hell.”
Tanner kissed the back of Zachary’s hand before continuing his story, “After I failed my drug test, I was brought before the judge in his chambers. He was brutal as he gave me two choices, admit myself into long-term rehab or serve my time in jail for a year. One way or the other, this judge was determined to see me get clean. Later on, I found out his son was a huge fan of mine and knew what had happened to me. The judge told me he wanted to be able to look his son in the eyes and tell him he’d done all he could. For me, there wasn’t really a choice, so I met with a therapist, and they helped me pick the best rehab facility that focused on my struggles.”
“Fast forward eight months, I was clean and sober, filled with a new purpose in life after having opened my coffee shop. The place took off right away due to my ‘celebrity status,’” Tanner said, using finger quotes as he rolled his eyes. “Thankfully, Premo Grind quickly found its footing in the community, which keeps it thriving. Then, one day, this sexy, stylish man came in for coffee on his break and introduced himself.”
The love in Tanner’s eyes as he talked about Zachary had me feeling a little envious until I remembered he’d looked at me the same way last night. I’d also seen a similar expression on all my scent matches at one point or another since I moved in.
Had I been so blinded by my fear all this time that I couldn’t see what was right in front of me?
“Now, I wasn’t looking to date,” Tanner explained, returning his attention to me. “In fact, they advised against it so soon in my recovery, but Zac just kept showing up day after day. He didn’t push for being anything more than a friend until I was ready. He’d been talking about a new bar that opened up and asked if I wanted to go with him. The biggest hurdle to becoming more than friends was being vulnerable enough to tell Zac I was a recovering addict. When I did, this guy didn’t even hesitate before suggesting an ice cream date instead. I knew right then Zac was way too good for me, and I’d eventually fuck things up like I always did.”
Zachary pulled over the ottoman and sat, resting his elbows on his knees. “This would be the point in our story where Tee decided he knew what was best for me and began to push me away. I didn’t know what changed, the ice cream date had been amazing. Hell, we talked until one in the morning, and neither of us wanted to call it quits. Work was crazy, so I didn’t get to see him the next day, but the following day, I came in like I always did for my coffee. Tee refused to look at me, gave me one-word answers, and when I pushed, he went all Alpha on my ass.”
My jaw dropped. “I-I don’t understand. Why would you do that?” I demanded.
“Because I’m a fucking idiot who was too scared to allow myself to fall in love,” Tanner said, scratching his jaw as if confessing that still made him uncomfortable. “The last thing I loved was ripped from me, and my life was forever destroyed, or so I believed. When it comes to addicts, the majority of us are selfish people. Nothing is more important than their addiction. Yes, I was clean and working the program, but I was pissed at how much effort it was to stay sober. Life was easier to bear when I got drunk and high off pills.”
Tanner took a moment and rubbed his hands over his face as I saw the emotions he was trying to hold back about to spill over. “Out of everything, what took me the longest to accept was how truly miserable living the life of an addict had made me. Yeah, it’s fucking hard to stay clean all on your own, it’s why they strongly urge us to go to meetings. For me, those meetings weren’t enough, and I would have failed without Zac. It makes all the difference when you have someone willing to roll up their sleeves and fight beside you. No matter what, Zac refused to give up on me.
“The first year we were together, I put Zac through hell. We fought, yelled, and I even slammed a few doors in his face. I was convinced doing that would be the final blow, and he’d leave me for something better. After I’d calmed down and opened the door, I’d find Zac sitting next to the door, waiting for me.”
One of the tears Tanner had been holding back rolled down his cheek. His warm brown eyes held mine with such intensity I felt as if he was looking into my soul. “Lyra, I understand how you feel right now. I didn’t deserve the kind of love Zac gave me without question. To this day, I will never understand how he could see past my scars to the man I could become. Little by little, with his love and patience, I started to believe I might be strong enough to create a new life and be happy again.”
Fawn took his shirt sleeve and tenderly wiped Tanner’s face as a few more tears slipped out. Then he wrapped his arms around Tanner’s neck and hugged him tightly. Tanner returned the hug, burying his face in Fawn’s chest, and took deep inhales of his Omega’s scent.
Pascal cupped my cheek once more and directed me to face him. I felt his thumb slowly stroke my cheek as we silently gazed at each other. It was as if Pascal was searching for something in my expression but couldn’t find it right away. Hearing the struggles my two Alphas had gone through caused my heart to ache, knowing I’d purposely run from them. They needed people who would accept them without hesitation, and that was the role an Omega was supposed to fulfill within the pack. Yet my fear and grief made me selfish.
My thoughts came to a screeching halt as a pair of fingers deftly rolled my nipple between them. I gasped, arching into the touch as my nails dug into Pascal’s chest. Thankfully, his T-shirt kept me from doing any damage. When my eyes fluttered open again, it took me a second to focus on Pascal now that hunger for my Alpha raged through me.
“Lyra, focus on my words and nothing else,” Pascal ordered, his words laced with power and dominance.
As if someone flicked a switch, I snapped to attention, laser-focused on what my Alpha wanted to tell me.
“I don’t want to use my bark on you, but without a bond tying us together, this is the only way I know you’ll believe what I’m about to say,” Pascal explained, his tone slightly softer but still commanding as he held my face with both hands. “When Fawn asked you to explain how you were feeling, something you said struck me, and I’d like to address it. You questioned your right to ask more from us because, in your mind, we’d already given you so much more than anyone else. Lyra, what you’re not understanding is we’ve only begun to show you the lengths every person in this room is willing to go to fight for you. It’s not asking too much, my darling, when what we have to offer is freely given in abundance.”
For the first time since I’d woken in the hospital after losing my mother, the shackles of loss and loneliness fell away. My chest felt lighter as I took my first deep breath that wasn’t laced with fear. I wasn’t sure if it was due to the order Pascal had given me, or if I was finally ready to let others fight alongside me. Either way, the door to the cage I’d trapped myself in was now open, and all I had to do was take the first step forward to something better.