Chapter 2
MAYA
Finally, the door opened and my heart started to race as another couple left the therapy room.
I quickly scanned their faces to see if I knew them and felt a flood of relief when I didn’t.
They were both a little overweight, with soft, doughy features.
At least it was nobody that we knew. The thought of people finding out that we’re going to marriage counselling kept me awake at night.
The other couple walked out past us and headed for the stairs before a petite woman with beady eyes came into the waiting area and smiled.
I recognised our therapist Julia from her photo on the clinic’s website.
I guessed, from the woman standing before me with greying hair around her temples and the noticeable sagging, pull of gravity on her face, that the photo had been taken at least ten years ago.
‘Come on in.’ She gestured towards her office.
I stood up but Hugo took his time as he finished keying in whatever it was that he was typing on his phone, without looking up.
It infuriated me, like everything about him did these days.
I waited for him to finish and when he finally slid the phone into his back pocket, we entered the room.
I looked around at the place. Three chairs, which I recognised from IKEA, were set in a circle.
Two were adjacent to one another and a third, which I guessed was Julia’s, was set at an angle to the other two.
Colourful, woollen hangings were displayed on the walls.
They looked like Julia had knit them herself.
A spidery aloe vera plant sat on a table in the corner.
Hugo and I sat down beside one another and waited…
I felt like I was going to be sick. I had talked about this for so long and imagined how it might go but now that we were here, I felt panicked.
‘It’s nice to meet you both. I’m Julia.’ She moved to shake our hands. I was conscious that mine was clammy and I wiped it quickly on my dress first.
‘I’m Maya and this is Hugo,’ I said because he was making no effort.
His body language said it all. He had more important things he could be doing.
Hugo worked as a property developer. His company had taken on several large-scale office developments in Dublin city centre over the last few years and as a result, they had grown rapidly but as his workload had increased, we saw less and less of him at home.
‘Why don’t both of you sit down.’
We took our seats across from Julia.
‘I want to start off by saying that this is a safe space,’ she began.
‘Everything that is said in this room is entirely confidential and remains inside these walls. Now then,’ she clapped her hands together, ‘who would like to start off and tell me what brought you here today?’ she prompted with a smile that was supposed to be reassuring but had the opposite effect.
‘She did,’ Hugo quipped as he shot a look at me. Our eyes met and I swore I could see hatred in their depths.
I knew I would have to go first. My head was spinning and I couldn’t seem to pull my thoughts together to form a sentence. ‘Well, we have been married for almost seven years and… eh… we have a five-year-old son… Elliot is his name…’ I paused. ‘I guess we… eh… we haven’t been happy for a while.’
‘Okay, thanks, Maya.’ Julia smiled. ‘When you say you haven’t been happy for a while, was this a gradual thing or did something happen to change things between you both?’
I looked over at Hugo; he was resting his head in his right hand and his gaze was lowered towards the floor.
Neither of us wanted to go there. The silence stretched on between us and I questioned why I had brought us here.
I knew we would have to get deep and dirty if we had any hope of saving our marriage but I wasn’t feeling confident.
Hugo wasn’t going to engage and I didn’t want to rake over old ground.
The seconds ticked on, agonisingly long. Julia did nothing to fill the silence; she wasn’t jumping in with prompts or leading questions. She didn’t seem to find this excruciatingly awkward like I did. I guessed that was a tactic she used to make us open up to her.
‘I suppose it’s going on a while…’ I paused.
‘We’ve been arguing a lot and I don’t want Elliot to grow up in a home where all he hears is his parents fighting constantly.
My parents spent their whole time quarrelling with one another and I hated it.
I’ve tried so hard to make it work. My parents separated when I was young and I don’t want that for Elliot.
’ I choked back a sob. ‘God, I’m sorry, it’s only our first session and I’m already crying.
’ I smiled weakly as I lifted my tote bag from the floor and rooted through it until I found a packet of tissues.
‘Oh here we go…’ Hugo said, rolling his eyes, as I fished one out and used it to dab at my tears. ‘She’s turning on the water works now.’
Julia turned to Hugo. ‘I’d like to remind you that this is a safe space, where each of you can express your feelings freely but in order for both of you to be heard, you have to listen.
Hugo, you need to respect what Maya is saying, even if you don’t agree with it,’ Julia scolded. ‘You’ll get your turn.’
He looked down at the floor, chastened.
‘Would you agree, Hugo?’ Julia asked, turning her focus onto him. ‘Would you say that you argue a lot?’
He shifted in his seat. ‘I guess…’ he said weakly.
‘Well, firstly, it’s good that you have the awareness of how conflict in the home can affect children.
Once you’re aware of the issue, I can help you both to take steps to address it.
We can work on some tools to help you both communicate your needs without resorting to arguing.
’ She turned her focus back to me. ‘Maya, can I ask how you feel on a daily basis?’
‘Lonely. Hugo works such long hours; he’s never there.’
‘How many times do I have to tell you, you wouldn’t have the lifestyle you have without my income?’ he snapped. ‘You can’t have it both ways.’
I turned to Julia. ‘I know we’re very lucky – we have a fabulous home, we drive nice cars and go on amazing holidays – but I can’t help it if I’m lonely.’ I turned back to my husband, my eyes meeting his. I wanted him to see me, to really see my vulnerability.
He hiked his brows, doing nothing to hide his scepticism, and I looked down at the floor.
‘You’ve a funny way of showing it!’ he quipped.
‘Whenever you’re at home, you’re glued to your phone, either on a call or typing an email. I’m surprised Elliot even recognises your face!’
His gaze hardened as fury consumed him. ‘How dare you!’
‘Okay, Maya,’ Julia said, stepping in. ‘Comments like that aren’t going to help us. I’ll remind you again that you need to show respect to one another.’
‘Sorry,’ I mumbled.
We went back and forth some more until Julia signalled that the time was up.
‘I know that it hasn’t been easy for you coming here today and sometimes, it seems like things are getting worse before they get better, but it’s a positive step.
It tells me that you both want to work this out so I’m going to give you some homework.
What I’d like you to do before our next session is to spend a little time thinking back to when you first met.
Remember that fizzy, excited feeling you felt when the other was near?
How you counted down the hours until you saw them again?
I want you both to try and remember what it was that attracted you to one another in the first place.
We can lose sight of it in long-term relationships but I think if you can see those qualities in one another again, that might help to get you back on track. ’
‘Okay.’ I nodded. It was worth a try because I was all out of other options.
When we got home, Hugo silenced the engine of his car and we climbed out wordlessly.
He stopped to inspect the paintwork, rubbing an imperfection away with his thumb while I stormed over the biscuit-coloured gravel up towards the house.
I opened the door and went inside, closing it after me, not waiting for Hugo to enter.
I went inside and found our babysitter Lauren watching TV in the kitchen.
She was our neighbour’s seventeen-year-old daughter.
She was young, energetic and fun-loving and our son loved her.
Elliot was already in bed, Lauren having done his bedtime routine.
After some chit-chat with her, I was relieved when she headed home.
Finally alone, I headed straight to the pantry where the wine fridge was located and poured myself a generous glass of Chablis.
I had been thinking about that cool glass of white wine the whole way home.
Who was I kidding? I had been thinking about it all day.
As the wine glugged into the glass, I could immediately feel the tension in my shoulders start to unwind.
‘Straight onto the argument juice, I see,’ Hugo quipped when I went back into the kitchen. He was standing at our marble-topped island with its rich veins of grey, reading something on his phone. He didn’t bother to look up at me. Sometimes, I felt invisible to him.
‘Is it any wonder I drink, being married to you!’ I couldn’t help sniping back. ‘Even our therapist could see after one session that you’re the reason why we’re there.’
‘That’s because you could get an Oscar for how good you are at playing the victim; you make yourself look sweet and innocent. It’s a pity she can’t see you now. Sculling back the wine, throwing out the insults.’ He stabbed his index finger in my direction. ‘You’re the problem here, Maya. Not me.’
‘I’ve had enough of you gaslighting me, Hugo.’
He laughed. ‘There you go again with your self-help mumbo jumbo…’
‘You keep blaming me for everything that has gone wrong in our marriage but you won’t take any responsibility for your actions.’
‘What actions?’ He splayed his hands out at either side of his head.
‘Why are you even bothering going to counselling? I want this to work, Hugo but if you want to end our marriage, just do it,’ I challenged.
‘Go on, walk out. I’m not stopping you.’ It was a question that I had been asking myself a lot lately.
Why didn’t he just leave? Was he staying for Elliot’s sake because like me, he didn’t want our son to come from a broken home or maybe he was afraid how much it would cost him if we divorced.
That was the most likely reason, knowing Hugo.
It always came down to money and status.
He fell quiet and walked out of the room and I heard him heading up the stairs.
Once again, the argument sat thick and sinewy between us like a python growing fatter.
As I entered the living room, its white-toned neutrals that I had carefully chosen to give a calming feel in our house did nothing to soothe me.
I sat down onto the sofa and folded my feet up beneath me.
Night after night, I sat in here alone while Hugo was either out somewhere or watching TV upstairs.
We no longer shared a bed; Hugo had been sleeping in the spare room for months now.
I never imagined marriage could be so lonely.
Counselling had always been in my back pocket, our last hope of saving our marriage, but tonight, I was feeling even more despondent than I had been going in.
I thought about the homework that Julia had given us.
She had advised us to spend some time thinking about what had attracted us to one another in the first place but I found I couldn’t.
Hugo was an undeniably good-looking man – his chiselled, angular features had once caused my heart to flutter – but it had been his confidence that I had found most attractive; it was his power that had seduced me initially.
But now I found his confidence bordered on arrogance and his power, brash and obnoxious. I didn’t hold out much hope for us.