Chapter 3
LIV
The following Tuesday morning, I handed Jay a plastic lunchbox with some of last night’s lasagne and he put it into his rucksack.
Jay worked as a nurse in St Francis’s hospital.
That was where we had met. I had also trained as a nurse and we were both working alongside each other when one day, he had asked me to go to the cinema with him.
That was over ten years ago now and we had been together ever since.
I hadn’t returned to work after having Finn and was on a career break, which allowed me to be at home with him.
I had had bad postnatal depression following his birth and it had taken almost two years for the clouds to part and to finally start coming back to myself again.
When I had begun to get better, I still hadn’t felt able to return to work so Jay and I had agreed it would be better if I stayed at home with our son.
Although money was tight with only one income, neither of us would have wanted to put Finn in a crèche or have a childminder taking care of him so it suited us at the moment.
We didn’t live an extravagant lifestyle; we had one car and were happy to sacrifice holidays and socialising so we could afford for me to be at home with our son.
‘Don’t forget, we have our appointment with Julia later,’ he reminded me as he zipped up the bag.
Our second session of marriage counselling was tonight and I was really dreading it.
After managing to skirt around our issues last week, I knew this time, I’d have no choice but to talk about them.
When we had been leaving, Julia had warned me that we would be diving in a little deeper the following week.
‘How could I forget?’ I asked sardonically. ‘Our sessions with Julia are turning into the highlight of my week.’
Jay laughed at my sarcasm. ‘Come on, Liv,’ he coaxed. ‘I’m doing this for us. Just try and open up a little more tonight; we’re both on the same side.’ He pulled me in for a hug.
‘I know…’ I sighed. ‘I just hate revisiting it all.’
He held me close and just being in his arms reassured me.
‘Oh, by the way, my mum said she can mind Finn for us tonight,’ he said as he picked up his bag.
We had never left Finn with anyone other than family and I hadn’t wanted to ask my mother for the second week in a row.
I knew she’d start to suspect something was wrong if I told her we were going for dinner again – she knew money was tight for us – so Jay had said he’d check whether his mother was available.
‘Great.’ I forced my lips back into an attempt at a smile. ‘You’d better go or you’ll be late.’
‘Welcome back,’ Julia greeted when we entered her office that evening. ‘How’ve you both been?’
‘Good,’ we replied in unison.
‘Good, good,’ she repeated before turning to me.
‘I know last week, you found it difficult to open up, Liv, but hopefully, it’ll be a little easier for you tonight.
’ She smiled warmly. ‘This week, I want to talk a little more in depth about what you mentioned last time.’ She turned to my husband.
‘Jay, you touched on the fact that you would like another baby but that Liv is finding the decision a little harder.’
I squeezed my eyes shut. I hated talking about such personal things with a stranger even if this was what we were paying her to do.
‘Yeah, Liv had a tough time after Finn was born so it’s hard for her…’ Jay began, looking across at me to make sure I was okay.
‘Liv, could you tell me what happened after Finn was born, please?’ Julia asked.
I felt my chest tighten and my heart began to race as it always did whenever I let my head go back to that time.
Day to day, I was usually able to push it out of my mind and get on with life.
It was only when something triggered it that I was brought back to that awful time again.
Jay reached out and took my sweaty hand in his.
‘W-well…’ I stammered.
‘It might be easier to tell me about the pregnancy. Was it a surprise?’ Julia tried a different tack.
‘We had been trying for about two years but nothing was happening,’ I began.
‘We had given ourselves one more month and we said if we hadn’t fallen pregnant by then, we’d go to our doctor and lo and behold, at exactly twenty-four months since we had first started trying, we found out we were pregnant. Our little miracle.’
Jay grinned fondly at me as I recalled the story. ‘We joked that he was always going to be a child who left everything until the last minute,’ he added.
Julia smiled. ‘Okay, and then the pregnancy, did that go okay?’
I nodded. ‘It was textbook. I wasn’t sick; I felt well. Yes, I had a couple of aches and pains and swollen ankles but what pregnant woman doesn’t?’
‘Okay,’ Julia said. ‘So did you go into spontaneous labour?’
I nodded, remembering it all so vividly. The sounds, the smells. ‘My waters broke at thirty-eight weeks, which was a surprise, but we weren’t worried; we knew he’d be big enough at that stage.’
‘And how did the labour go and the delivery?’
‘They were both fine. It was obviously painful but Jay and I had done everything to prepare for it. We had gone to antenatal classes, we had practiced hypnobirthing. I really wanted an active birth so I had a bouncy ball and personalised essential oils that my homeopathist had prescribed. I did everything I could to prepare for it – or so I thought. It was so beautiful, everything was going according to my birth plan until they put Finn on my chest…’ I paused to gather myself as the memory came rushing back to me.
‘They… eh… they said he was breathing well and he was a good weight and then I remember feeling really weak; my vision went blurry like I was watching everything from afar. After that, I remember nothing until I woke up in the Intensive Care Unit.’
‘That sounds very stressful, Liv.’ Julia turned to Jay. ‘And for you too, you’ve just had a beautiful baby boy but then your wife is seriously ill.’
‘I was a mess. They told me she had had a post-partum haemorrhage. She was rushed to theatre and nobody could tell me how she was doing. I was handed this tiny baby to care for. I didn’t know what to do.
Liv was in theatre and without her there to guide me, I hadn’t a clue what I was doing.
I know I’m a nurse but I’m used to dealing with adult patients, not newborns.
Finn was screaming to be fed but I knew it was important to Liv that she breastfeed him and the nurses were saying that I had to give him a bottle even though I knew that wasn’t what she would have wanted.
The midwives were great, they showed me what to do, but it was an awful time.
Then, after Liv came out of surgery, she was in intensive care and they told me she had haemorrhaged a lot and that they didn’t know if she’d make it.
’ He choked, trying to hold back tears. ‘It was so different from how I imagined our son’s birth. Nothing could have prepared me for it.’
I blinked back tears. I had never heard Jay’s version of events before. It was something neither of us had felt able to talk about. I squeezed his hand, once again reminded of how quickly things had changed for both of us. Of the fragility of life.
‘So it was traumatic for you too,’ Julia said sympathetically.
‘Well, what Liv went through was far worse. My experience pales into insignificance compared to hers so I don’t want to make it about me but yeah… I was really scared.’
‘Liv, how did you feel afterwards?’
‘I was devastated. It wasn’t just the fact that I almost died; I missed out on those precious first days with my son.
Even when I woke up, I couldn’t hold him because I was too weak.
I wasn’t able to breastfeed even though I had really wanted to.
I knew I should be grateful to be alive – everyone kept telling me how lucky I was to survive – but I didn’t feel lucky.
I felt robbed. I felt so guilty then: guilt because of what happened to me, guilt for Finn, and I’ll never get over that.
I’ll never get those days back again. I always worry if I somehow damaged him because I didn’t get to bond with him like most mothers do at the start. ’
‘You didn’t damage him, love. It wasn’t your fault,’ Jay consoled with tears brimming in his eyes.
‘There are no photos of me holding him until he’s over a week old. What mother doesn’t have photos of her and her newborn?’
‘It wasn’t your fault, love.’
‘I know that but it still doesn’t stop me feeling guilty about it.
I… eh… I had really bad postnatal depression then when I finally got home from the hospital.
The version of motherhood that I got was so different to how I imagined it,’ I choked.
‘I feel like I let Finn down, I let Jay down too… I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself for how it went. ’
‘I’m sorry you experienced that, Liv; it sounds really tough,’ Julia empathised. ‘Thank you both for opening up so bravely. I know this isn’t easy. Are you okay to keep going?’
We both nodded.
‘So now Jay has said that he’d like to have another baby. How do you feel about that, Liv?’
‘I’m terrified, to be honest. What if the same thing happened to me again?’
‘So what you’re saying, Liv,’ Julia said, ‘isn’t that you don’t want another baby, but that you’re scared.’
‘I was so ill after having Finn, I nearly died and then I spent two years in a fog of postnatal depression… I’m so scared of feeling like that again.’
‘But if you were pregnant for a second time, the doctors would be all over you,’ Jay interjected. ‘I’d also know what to look out for this time to prevent anything like that ever happening again.’
‘But what if it did happen? And this time, if I didn’t come through, I’d be leaving you without a wife, and Finn without his Mammy, plus there would be a newborn baby thrown in there too.
I don’t want to risk it. I’m still traumatised; I still get flashbacks.
That panic of waking up in intensive care not knowing what had happened still haunts me.
What should have been the happiest time of my life was a nightmare. ’
Julia nodded thoughtfully. ‘It sounds to me like you have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Liv. Have you had any counselling to talk about the trauma surrounding Finn’s birth?’
I nodded. ‘I have and it really helped me process it all but then Jay started talking about having another baby and I felt all the old anxiety starting up again… I feel sick every time he mentions it. I realised I wasn’t ready and to be honest, I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready.
We both love Finn so much and all I ever wanted was to have a big family and I’d love more than anything to give him a little brother or sister but when it comes to it, I just can’t.
I’m terrified of something like that happening again.
And besides, we’re already stretched thin financially. ’
‘Come on, Liv, we’d make it work if we had to, you know that,’ Jay cajoled, reaching for my hand and squeezing it before looking back at Julia. ‘That’s why we came here to see you so you could help us work through it.’
‘I can certainly try.’
We talked some more before Julia glanced at her watch. ‘Look, we’re out of time now. That was good work tonight, well done both of you. Let’s pick up here next week.’