Chapter 4
LIV
A wave of exhaustion floored me as I stood up to leave.
I wasn’t prepared for how draining it was to revisit that time in our lives.
I could tell from Jay’s crumpled face that he felt the same way as I did.
We headed out to the waiting room where we saw the same woman from last week sitting there again but she was alone this time.
She sat there with a glum expression on her face.
She looked like I felt. None of us wanted to be here.
Our eyes met and I flashed her a quick smile in solidarity.
She pursed her lips together, not quite a smile but a silent gesture of appreciation.
When we got home, we parked on the street and climbed out of the car.
I saw there were still children playing out on the green.
They were on their school holidays and taking advantage of the long evenings.
At five, Finn was still a bit small to be outside playing on his own but I hoped in a few years, he’d be out playing football and cycling his bike with the rest of them.
I put the key in the lock and went inside. I could hear the closing credits of Fair City streaming from the living room. We went inside and saw my mother-in-law watching the TV.
‘Hi, loves,’ she said, lowering the volume on the TV. I saw she was cuddling a sleepy Finn in her arms.
‘Hi, Mam,’ Jay greeted.
‘Someone wanted to wait up for you,’ she said. ‘He can barely keep his eyes open.’
‘How was your dinner?’
‘It was good, thanks.’ I gulped, hating the lie. We had told her that we were going for a bite to eat in one of the restaurants in town because we knew she’d be worried about us if we told her the truth.
‘Aw, glad you both enjoyed it.’ She beamed proudly. ‘You two deserve some time to yourselves.’
‘Come here, sweetheart.’ I took him out of Pauline’s arms and lifted him up onto me where he buried his sleepy face into my neck. His long, curly hair hung loose around his face and he smelt of the strawberry-scented bubble bath that he loved. ‘I’ll go put him to bed.’
Pauline stood up and hooked her handbag over her head. ‘Right, I’ll head home then.’
‘Thanks again, Mam. I’ll call you tomorrow,’ Jay said.
I said goodnight to my mother-in-law and as she headed home, I climbed the stairs with Finn’s arms looped around my neck. I lowered him into the bed and he sank back onto the pillow with a breathy sigh.
‘Mammy, did you know that the Troodon dinosaur was the cleverest?’ he said without opening his eyes.
‘No, I did not know that,’ I said, sitting on the edge of his bed, tracing circles along his porcelain skin.
I marvelled at how quickly his brain worked; although he was only five, he could remember the most obscure details about dinosaurs and bizarre facts.
He never ceased to amaze me with his knowledge.
It was hard to believe he was starting primary school in the coming weeks.
He had got a place in the nearby school, which was only a five-minute walk from our house.
We had gone into town last week and he had chosen a dinosaur school bag and matching lunchbox and flask, his excited face beaming as we left the shop with his little hand slotted inside mine.
Time was going too quickly and I was conscious that if we wanted to give him a brother or sister, we needed to do it sooner rather than later before the gap got any bigger.
I wanted them to be close enough in age to play together.
Finally, he gave up the battle with sleep and drifted off. I turned on his bedside lamp, with its dinosaur-patterned shade, and tiptoed out of the room.
When I had settled Finn to sleep, I came back downstairs and plonked myself beside Jay on the sofa.
‘Here,’ he said, lifting a mug from the side table and passing it to me. ‘I made you a cuppa.’
‘Thanks, love.’
‘Did Finn go off okay?’ he asked.
‘He was out like a light as soon as his head hit the pillow. He was still telling me dinosaur facts even though he was half-asleep.’
Jay laughed. ‘I can’t believe he knows all the different ones. I can’t even pronounce half of them.’
‘He’s so perfect—’ My voice quivered as the emotion took over.
‘Hey,’ Jay soothed. ‘It’s okay.’
‘I’m sorry, I’m so pathetic. I don’t know why I’m struggling so much with this.’
‘Hey, come here.’ He pulled me in close and I snuggled into him.
‘I want to give him a brother or sister more than anything but I’m too scared.’
‘It’s okay, that’s why we’re getting help and we’ll work through it together.’
‘I don’t know what I’d do without you, Jay.’ I meant it; he was such a kind and patient man. Sometimes, when I looked at him with Finn, I marvelled that they were my family. I often wondered how I had got so lucky.
‘Me neither. You’re the strongest, most amazing woman I know, Liv and I’m lucky to have you.’