Chapter 21
LIV
It was Tuesday once again and as soon as I woke that morning, dread pooled into my tummy and stayed swirling and swilling around inside there all day. I hated our sessions with Julia so much, I’d rather be boiled in oil than sit through them, but Jay was adamant that they were helpful.
Each time we came home afterwards, it took me a long time to build myself back up again.
I had been drained following our last session and a tension headache had bored through my brain for two days afterwards.
I would lie in bed at night wide awake and feel my heart racing.
Our sessions didn’t seem to affect Jay in the same way.
Although he was concerned for me and knew how hard it was for me to discuss my trauma following Finn’s birth, no one would ever really understand what I went through at the time.
It wasn’t his fault, but he would never know the true depths of my fears now as a result of everything that had happened to me.
As we said goodbye to my mum, who was minding Finn for us, anxiety rose up my throat until I couldn’t breathe.
I sat into the car, resigned to my fate.
Autumn was starting to make its presence felt with the dark evenings setting in.
As we drove through the dimly lit, shadowy streets, the half-light gave everywhere an eerie feel.
When we arrived outside the building, Jay parked the car and we both climbed out.
I shivered in the cool evening air. Neither of us said anything as we waited to be buzzed in.
When the door clicked open, we climbed the stairs to Julia’s office.
As we made our way up, I could smell some kind of cloying spice from an incense burner that only served to heighten my sense of unease.
We went inside to the waiting area and after a moment, Julia came out to greet us.
We followed her into her room which was softly lit by lamplight.
We sat down in our usual chairs as Julia took her seat adjacent to us.
‘Welcome back.’ She smiled, flattening her skirt across her knees before placing her palms face down on her lap. ‘How have you both been?’
‘Good,’ Jay said.
‘Yeah, great,’ I replied, detecting a churlish note in my own voice.
She steepled her hands together. ‘Great, well, we’ll get started then. So, how have you two been getting on? Have you managed to talk any more about Finn’s birth?’
We both squirmed. We had avoided the issue as usual.
‘We didn’t really get around to it,’ Jay admitted, looking sheepish.
‘Finn started school recently,’ I added. ‘So, it’s been busy…’
‘Oh, that’s a big milestone. How is he getting on?’
Jay spoke. ‘So far so good, thankfully.’
‘How’ve you been feeling about it, Liv?’
‘I guess, it’s been a funny one. I’m happy to see him moving on and starting out on this new adventure but it’s made me think a lot…’ I ventured.
Jay fixed his gaze on me as he wondered what I was about to say.
‘Think about what?’ Julia probed.
‘Well, how fast time is going, for starters. How lucky we are that Finn is happy going in every morning. We’ve so much to be grateful for.’ From the corner of my eye, I could see Jay smiling at me. ‘But I think it’s made me even more scared.’
‘Scared of what, Liv?’
‘To tempt fate, to risk what we have by having another baby.’
‘Good work, Liv. Thank you for sharing that,’ Julia said.
‘I’d really like us to focus on communication – not just what you’re saying, but what’s underneath it.
It’s an area I’ve noticed that you’re both struggling with.
So, Liv has just told us that she’s scared.
’ Julia turned to Jay. ‘Jay, would you be willing to share something you’ve been struggling with?
And Liv, I want you to listen, then reflect what you heard. Does that sound okay?’
I nodded.
Jay cleared his throat. ‘Ehm, okay… well, I keep trying to talk about having another baby, but every time I bring it up, Liv shuts it down. She just won’t discuss it; she’d do anything else except talk about our problems. And now our son Finn has started asking questions about babies – you know, the usual ones five-year-olds ask: Where do they come from?
How do you know if you’ve a baby in your tummy?
I think one of the boys in his class’s mum is pregnant and it’s been on his mind. ’
‘I see,’ Julia said. ‘And when Finn asks these questions, Liv, how do you respond to him?’
‘All kids go through a phase of asking questions like that; he’s just curious.’
‘But, Liv, last week, he asked if we can get a new baby too,’ Jay went on. ‘And I felt really sorry for him because he has no one to play with.’
I looked down at the floorboards. ‘Plenty of kids are only children,’ I replied. ‘It’s not like he’s the only one in his class. We’ll just have to organise more play dates for him.’
Jay sighed. ‘I guess I just think that my feelings about it all aren’t being taken into account because I’m a man. Liv is making this decision for both of us – actually, for the three of us, if you include what Finn wants too.’
‘He’s five,’ I snapped. ‘He doesn’t know what he wants.’
‘Well, all I’m saying is that he wants a sibling.’
‘Liv, I know you find confrontation difficult but could you try to articulate how this makes you feel? You can’t keep running away from the discussion or it becomes the elephant in the room. I want you to turn to Jay now and tell him how you really feel. Be honest.’
‘But he’ll get upset,’ I protested.
‘You’re not responsible for anyone else’s feelings, Liv.
We can’t control how anyone else responds to things we do or say.
If Jay gets upset, that’s his problem; you need to be true to yourself and if you’re worrying about everyone else’s feelings then you’re not addressing your own needs and that’s when resentment sets in.
You need to communicate your needs clearly – not what anyone else expects of you, okay? ’
I squeezed my eyes shut.
‘Go on, Liv,’ she encouraged. ‘Tell Jay how you’re feeling.’
I inhaled heavily. ‘The reason why I avoid it is because I always feel as though I’m disappointing you as I won’t come round to your way of thinking. I hate it.’
Julia nodded. ‘Well done, Liv, that was good.’
‘When Jay talks about having another baby,’ I went on, feeling braver now, ‘it’s not just pressure – I feel panic.
The thought of going back to those early days of Finn and then the postnatal depression that followed terrifies me.
I’m only just starting to come out of it now; what if that happens again and I lose even more of myself? ’
‘Good, Liv, that’s really great work; keep going,’ Julia encouraged.
‘I barely recognise myself back then. I’m scared. Not because I don’t love you, or our son. But because I don’t know if I can survive it again.’
‘I hear what you’re saying but I’ll support you, Liv.’
‘But I don’t think you do hear me; you’re listening but you’re not hearing me.’
‘And you’re not hearing me when I say that it’s important to me that we give Finn a sibling!’ His voice climbed higher.
I felt tears pulse in my eyes. I wanted that for Finn too.
I wanted him to have a football team of siblings, to always have someone to turn to if he needed them, but things hadn’t worked out that way for us and I had come to realise that I might never be able to give him that.
‘This!’ I cried. ‘This is why I hate discussing it because every time I try, you look so disappointed and I feel like the worst wife and mother ever. Like I’m crushing your dream of the perfect family – mum, dad, two kids and a white picket fence and now apparently, I’m also ruining Finn’s childhood! ’
‘I didn’t say that,’ Jay barked back.
Julia spoke. ‘Okay, Liv, I know you’re upset,’ she said calmly. ‘So I can see there’s a pattern here. Liv, when you protect yourself, you tend to shut Jay out. Jay, when you push forward, it feels like pressure to Liv. Neither of you is wrong. But you’re not speaking the same emotional language.’
We both fell quiet, letting the weight of what Julia said sink in.
‘This isn’t something you solve in one conversation. But you are talking now. That’s a start. What matters is learning how to say, “My opinion matters” and also, “I understand why it might be difficult for you.” Both can be true. And both deserve space.’
I reached out to grab a tissue from the box on the coffee table. I blew into it. Jay reached out for my hand and squeezed it. And although we had our differences, I was once again grateful for this man who I knew loved me dearly despite everything.
‘I think we’ll leave it there for tonight. That’s good work, both of you. There’s more under the surface. But this – this is progress.’