Chapter 22
MAYA
The days after the launch went by with Hugo and I barely exchanging a word with one another.
He had spent the weekend playing golf, leaving Elliot and I to hang out by ourselves.
When I did see him, he continued to ignore me.
I swung between crushing loneliness and brutal bitterness that he was putting me through this torture.
He was making me pay the price for whatever it was that I was supposed to have done by keeping me in this self-imposed hell.
I continually wracked my brain, desperately trying to remember what had taken place at the launch but despite everything, there was no way I would give him the satisfaction of asking him outright what had happened.
And whatever it was that I was supposed to have done, it was all his fault – he had driven me to it, he had been the one who had been flirting and carrying on with Kelly.
It was no wonder I may have got upset and drunk too much. I was only human.
No one was more surprised than me when Hugo arrived home from the office early on Tuesday evening.
I had assumed I was going to go for our session with Julia on my own.
I was even looking forward to having a chance to talk to her by myself and to say whatever I wanted without worrying about what Hugo would think.
Where I could get all my suppressed rage and pent-up frustration off my chest. I was worried that once I started, I might never stop.
‘Are you going to our session tonight?’ I asked him as he unknotted his tie in the kitchen.
‘I’m home, aren’t I?’ he snapped, freeing the knot and pulling the tie loose.
It was the most he had said to me since the previous Thursday.
I don’t think I had ever been more surprised in our ten years together; why would he barely say two words to me all week and then want to go to marriage counselling together?
I couldn’t figure out why he stayed with me; we slept in separate bedrooms, he gave me the silent treatment, he appeared to hate me on a daily basis and yet he continued to attend our therapy sessions.
Most people would say that on some level, he must want the marriage to work but with Hugo, I could tell he was playing a bigger game.
After Lauren had arrived to mind Elliot, we sat into his car and wordlessly drove towards Julia’s office.
When we climbed the stairs and entered the waiting room, we saw Liv and Jay coming out before us and we all nodded awkwardly to one another.
I wasn’t sure if we should stop to chat but I guessed no one wanted to hang around here any longer than necessary so they quickly headed on and it wasn’t long before Julia called us in.
‘Good to see you both. How have you been?’ she asked.
Neither of us spoke.
‘Okay, then,’ she said picking up on our reticence. ‘So the last time we spoke, I had told you both to try and prioritise some time for yourselves, to go on a walk or a date, whatever you were comfortable with. Were you able to do this?’ she asked.
We both squirmed.
‘Maya?’ she pushed.
‘I tried cooking a special dinner for us but Hugo had already eaten so it ended up in the bin…’
He turned to look at me. ‘You never told me you were cooking!’
‘I wanted to surprise you.’
‘Oh dear, so communication is the real issue here. Perhaps if Hugo had known your plans, Maya, he wouldn’t have eaten earlier; would that be fair?’
‘Exactly! I’m not a mind reader,’ he said.
‘But well done, Maya for trying. I hope you appreciate the effort that went into it, Hugo. Perhaps you could reciprocate,’ she suggested.
‘I’m not a great cook.’
‘You don’t have to cook but you could do something nice for Maya.’
It was my turn to roll my eyes now. ‘That’ll be the day,’ I muttered.
‘Maya, comments like that aren’t going to help anyone,’ Julia chastised with a sigh.
‘Well, something else happened,’ I went on petulantly. Here she was giving me a hard time over something small when what Hugo was doing was far worse.
Julia raised her brows. ‘Okay, go on, Maya.’
‘Hugo had a work thing; we both went along. He spent the whole evening flirting with a woman he works with.’
‘I was not flirting!’ he said through gritted teeth.
‘He was all over the girl. She’s almost half his age.’
‘Is this true, Hugo?’ Julia asked.
‘No, it’s not! Maya got drunk and I didn’t want to be around her. That’s what really happened.’
‘I think he’s having an affair,’ I went on.
Hugo shook his head and raised his eyes to heaven. ‘That’s rich.’
‘What makes you think that?’ Julia asked.
‘It was just the way they acted together; they seemed very familiar with one another like there is something more going on between them than just work colleagues.’
‘I promise you,’ he said indignantly. ‘I swear on Elliot’s life that I’m not having an affair.’
This startled me. I knew he wouldn’t swear on our son’s name unless he was telling the truth.
I looked up at him, my eyes searching his. ‘But why won’t you talk to me? You’ve been ignoring me since Thursday evening.’
‘Because I’m still annoyed at how drunk you were. You made a fool of yourself. You know I hate it when you get into that state.’
I felt heat creeping up my face as Julia turned her focus onto me.
‘Is that true?’ she asked.
‘W-well, I can’t remember…’ I confessed. ‘But the only reason I drank so much was because I was upset. Hugo was flirting with that girl… and we were there with all his work colleagues and I felt humiliated.’
‘That’s your excuse this time. She always has an excuse,’ Hugo said to Julia. ‘She drinks too much, gets messy and then she wonders why I don’t want to be around her.’
‘If I do drink too much, it’s because you drive me to it!’ I retorted.
‘Okay, Maya, this isn’t the first time that Hugo has raised concerns about the effect that alcohol has on your behaviour. How often do you drink?’ Julia asked.
‘I have a couple of glasses of wine now and again. Hugo is making this out to be a bigger deal than it is.’
‘She drinks every night after she has put Elliot to bed.’
I shook my head angrily. ‘How would you know? You’re never home in the evenings.’
‘Stop denying it, Maya. Every night, when I get home, you’ve a glass of wine in your hand.’
‘Well, maybe lately, I have… but it’s only because our marriage has been so stressful.’
‘Do you think you have a problem with alcohol, Maya?’ Julia asked.
‘No!’ I exclaimed. ‘I like a glass or two to relax but I’m not an alcoholic.’
Julia turned to me. She brought her hands towards her chest, knuckles stuck together.
‘Maya, there is something inside you triggering this escapism. The next time you find yourself reaching for a bottle of wine, I’d like you to ask yourself, “What feeling am I trying to numb here?” I want you to meet the feeling head-on.
Usually, if you can identify the trigger, then you can find other ways to fill that need in yourself. ’
‘I am on my own all day with our son. It can be really full-on and so when he goes to bed, I just want to relax. There’s nothing wrong with having a couple of glasses of wine after a stressful day,’ I said, barely concealing my frustration.
Why was she going on like this? Like I was the one that had a problem!
She made it sound like I needed to run straight out the door and find an AA meeting. ‘It’s really not that big a deal.’
‘Well, Hugo obviously feels it’s a big deal or he wouldn’t have raised the issue here tonight.’
‘He’s trying to deflect the blame onto me. This is what he does!’ I cried furiously.
‘The question you need to ask yourself, Maya, is whether your drinking is having a negative impact on your life?’
‘It’s not,’ I snapped.
Julia turned to my husband. ‘Would you agree, Hugo?’
He shook his head.
‘Look, Maya, there’s no judgement or blame here.
I understand that your days caring for Elliot by yourself must be stressful, especially if you feel you’re not getting the support in your marriage from Hugo.
Alcohol can be a form of stress relief but if Hugo feels it’s adding to the conflict in your marriage then maybe you need to think about that. ’
‘It’s a coup—’ I cut in.
She put up her hand to stop me. ‘Let me finish, please, Maya. Perhaps you should really think about the conversation we’ve just had and whether there might be a grain of truth in what Hugo has said tonight.’
I looked across at Hugo and saw a smirk of satisfaction playing out across his features.
It made me want to reach out and slap it off his smug face.
He had managed to make Julia believe that I was the problem here instead of him.
How could she not see through this charade?
She was supposed to be a trained psychotherapist, for God’s sake!
‘Have you thought about cutting down then?’ Julia went on. ‘Perhaps keep it to the weekends rather than every evening,’ she suggested.
‘How many times do I have to tell you, I don’t have a drink problem,’ I said through gritted teeth.
‘Okay, Maya. I can sense you’re upset so I think we should leave it there for tonight,’ Julia said.
‘Yes, we should,’ I agreed, just so that she would shut up. I knew there was no point arguing with her; the more I challenged her, the more she seemed to think I was in denial.
As I stood up to leave, I was trembling with fury. How dare she speak to me like this? It felt like they were both ganging up on me. This was Hugo’s fault; he was gaslighting me. Making me look like I had a problem when I didn’t.