Chapter 23
LIV
When we got home after our counselling session, I was relieved to find my mother had already put Finn to bed.
I was upset and knew I’d never hold it together if I saw his sweet, innocent face looking up at me.
I kept my head down as I saw my mum out; I didn’t want her to notice my red-rimmed eyes.
I went back inside to the living room where toys were scattered around the floor but I didn’t have the energy to tidy up and instead, I collapsed onto the couch while Jay made the tea.
He returned with a mug in each hand and a packet of chocolate Hobnobs tucked beneath his elbow.
As he approached the couch, he hesitated momentarily, as if thinking about where to sit, then sat beside me but not as close as he usually did and I hated the distance that this was putting between us.
‘You okay?’ he asked as he handed me the mug.
‘Yeah. Just… tired,’ I said, taking it from him and cupping my palms around its warmth. ‘That was tough tonight.’
Jay nodded. ‘Yeah. It was.’
We both fell quiet.
‘I know you’re scared, Liv – I get that. I really do.’
‘I’m sorry I’m so weak.’ My voice quivered.
He looked stunned, then reached out to pull me in tight. ‘You’re not weak. You’re the strongest person I know.’
‘Yes, I am. I’ve always been this way. I shouldn’t be like this. I fell apart after Finn was born and now five years on and I still can’t get it together. Most women just get on with stuff like this but I’m a mess.’
Jay shook his head. ‘You’re not weak. You went through something really traumatic but you came through it and you’re the best mum to our son.’
We heard the sound of soft footsteps on the stairs. ‘Uh oh, I think somebody’s awake,’ Jay said then.
We waited as Finn entered the living room.
‘Mammy?’
‘Hey, sweetheart. What are you doing up?’
He was in his fleecy dinosaur pyjamas and rubbing his eyes.
‘I hadded a bad dream. A dinosaur was chasing me and he nearly catched me.’
Jay patted the sofa and he climbed up and cuddled into the space between us. ‘Oh, you poor little man. You don’t need to be scared; it was only a dream.’
‘Are you and Mammy talking about getting the baby?’
Jay made eyes at me over our son’s head.
I pushed the hair back off Finn’s forehead and stroked his porcelain skin.
‘That’s something Mammy and Daddy are still talking about, okay?’
He yawned loudly and curled into my neck. ‘It’s taking a long time.’ He let out a breathy sigh and slotted his thumb into his mouth.
‘I’ll take him back up to bed,’ Jay said as he started to doze off again.
‘What are we going to do?’ I sighed as Jay returned back downstairs a few minutes later.
‘We just have to keep talking, like Julia said.’
‘But now Finn is adding to the pressure I’m feeling.’
‘Look, he’s five. He’ll forget all about it soon enough and be onto the next thing.’
‘I hope so. I hate disappointing him.’
Jay placed his hand over mine. ‘Look, the most important thing is that we’re still in this together.’
‘Of course we are.’ I rested my head on his shoulder. ‘Even when it’s messy. Even when we don’t agree. It’s still you and me and you’re the only one I want to do this with.’
We both fell quiet and Jay picked up the remote and began flicking through the channels. We both got engrossed in a police drama and fell quiet as we watched the TV. For now, we had parked the issue but I knew it was only temporary and the argument would raise its ugly head once more.
Just then, I heard my phone ring, disturbing the moment.
I pulled it out of the pocket of my hoody and saw Maya’s number on the screen.
‘It’s Maya,’ I said to Jay. ‘I’d better take it.
Maya, is everything okay?’ I asked, answering the phone, while Jay picked up the remote to lower the volume on the TV.
‘Sorry for calling so late. I… eh… was just wondering if you’re free to meet for coffee after the school run tomorrow.’ She sounded upset.
‘Sure, of course I can. Are you all right?’ We had crossed paths in the waiting room that evening as we had been coming out from our appointment with Julia but we hadn’t had time to chat. Something must have happened during their session, I guessed.
‘I’ll fill you in tomorrow,’ she said with a note of resignation in her voice.
‘All right. You look after yourself. Whatever it is, it’s all going to be okay.’
‘Thanks, Liv,’ she said, her voice choking.
‘Is everything okay?’ Jay asked after I had hung up.
‘Yeah, I hope so…’ I said uncertainly. ‘She sounded upset. She wants to meet for coffee in the morning. Sounds like they might have had a tough time with Julia tonight.’
‘They’re not the only ones…’ Jay quipped, exhaling heavily.