Chapter 24
LIV
When I met Maya the next morning in the same coffee shop we always went to, she looked noticeably less glamorous than I was used to seeing her.
She was wearing gym leggings and an oversized sweatshirt.
She had no make-up on her face, and although her glass-like skin was flawless, she looked tired and dark circles shadowed her eyes.
‘Is everything okay?’ I asked when I saw her entering the coffee shop.
She shook her head. ‘No, it’s not. Last night’s session was our worst yet. It was awful.’ She started to sob.
‘Oh, honey, it’s okay,’ I said, rubbing her arm. ‘You go and sit down and I’ll get the coffees.’
‘Thanks, darling.’
I went up to the counter and when I had ordered our usuals, made my way down to the table where she was sitting, holding her head in her hands.
‘So, what happened?’ I asked, putting her matcha down on the table before her.
‘Basically, Hugo managed to convince Julia that I have a drink problem,’ she cried in disbelief.
‘Really? Oh my God. That’s awful.’
‘I mean I like a glass or two of wine in the evenings when Elliot is in bed but that doesn’t make me an alcoholic.’
‘Of course it doesn’t,’ I soothed even though Jay and I never drank at home.
‘It’s going from bad to worse. How have we got here, Liv?
’ she asked me desperately. ‘When I think back to our wedding day – how perfect it all was and the amazing connection between us – our love was so strong, I never thought that anything would tear us apart. I just don’t understand how it’s all gone so wrong…
’ Tears pushed forward and ran down her cheeks and my heart broke for her.
‘Anyway,’ she announced resolutely, changing tone.
‘I’m not going to let him get to me.’ She used her thumbs to wipe away her tears.
‘Sorry, I never even asked how you guys got on?’
‘It wasn’t great either, to be honest. I really don’t see how we’re going to come to a decision without one of us compromising on something that’s important to us.’
‘You still don’t want to have another baby?’ Maya asked, taking a sip from her matcha.
‘It’s not that I don’t want to – I’d love nothing more, especially now that Finn keeps asking about it.
I keep thinking of his little face and how it lights up every time he mentions getting a new baby brother or sister.
I feel awful that I’m not able to give him the one thing he really wants.
And Jay isn’t helping; he’s one of five and he really wants Finn to grow up with siblings too.
The way Jay goes on, it’s like I’m going to ruin our son’s childhood if he remains an only child. ’
‘Jay shouldn’t be putting so much pressure on you, Liv.’
‘He’s not,’ I said, quickly defending him.
‘Well, he’s trying not to, but every time we go to Julia’s, we have to discuss it.
I guess Jay thought counselling would “fix” me – that I’d come round to his way of thinking eventually – but the fear of something awful happening again will never leave me.
The more we talk about it, the more I feel like I’ll never be ready.
It feels as though counselling is just driving a wedge between us. ’
‘That makes two of us,’ she agreed grimly. ‘I’m starting to wish I had never bothered going.’
We talked some more until our coffees were nearly gone.
‘Do you have time if I grab us another one?’ Maya asked.
‘Sure, I’m not in a rush.’
I watched as she made her way through the café towards the counter.
People automatically parted to make way for her and then turned back to watch her after she had gone past them.
She had an aura. Heads swivelled in her direction when she entered a room.
When you were in her company, it was like the sound was a little sharper, the colours a little brighter.
All my life, I had been the shy, fat girl standing on the fringes of everything but since I had made friends with Maya, I had a feeling of belonging and self-assurance that I had always yearned for.
Being in Maya’s company was intoxicating.
When she was by my side, I wasn’t overthinking every move I made, or what I should do with my hands or what I should say or not say; it just felt easy. Being in her orbit gave me confidence.
Eventually, I saw her making her way towards me with a tray carrying our coffees.
‘I’m sorry for going on about Hugo so much but you’re the only one I can talk to about it all,’ she continued as she handed me my mug.
‘Don’t be sorry. I just wish I could do something to help; I hate seeing you so down.’
‘Thanks,’ she said sadly. Then she placed her hand over mine on the table. ‘Just being able to talk to you about it all is helping. Thank you for everything. You’ve been a rock over the last while. You’re the only person in my life who knows what I’m going through.’
I smiled at the unexpected affection. ‘I’m glad I can be there for you; it’s a tough situation.
’ I wasn’t used to friends being so tactile but Maya was warm and open.
She drew people to her; you wanted to be around her because she made you feel like a better version of yourself.
Now that I knew our friendship wasn’t one-sided, I felt braver opening up to her.
‘I know we haven’t known one another for very long but I’ve never had a friend like you, Maya,’ I confessed.
I had never been in the popular or the pretty gang.
I had always been on the outside: one of the kids that nobody really noticed.
In school, I had hung out with the odd kids who didn’t particularly have much in common but banded together because nobody else wanted us around so to find myself being chosen by beautiful and successful Maya was a new experience for me.
Orbiting in her glow felt like basking in balmy sunlight.
‘I know, right?’ she agreed. ‘I feel like we just clicked ever since that first day we had coffee here.’ She squeezed my hand. ‘I’m so glad I met you, Liv.’
Warmth radiated through me. ‘I was telling Jay all about you and I really want him to meet you properly,’ I went on. ‘Why don’t you both come over for a BBQ at the weekend? The weather looks good and it’ll be nice to sit out in the garden for a change.’
‘I don’t know…’ she said uncertainly. ‘Honestly? With the way things are between Hugo and me right now, I don’t think we’d be the best company…’
‘Don’t be silly, we’d love to have you. The boys can play together and hopefully, they will get along a little better this time. It’ll also be a chance for Hugo and Jay to get to know one another.’
‘Hugo can be…’ She paused to choose the right word. ‘…tricky.’
‘Well, Jay will talk to anyone so don’t worry. And he’s an amazing cook,’ I added. ‘He does a really good steak with all the sides. Trust me, it’s divine.’
‘Well, okay, that’s me convinced.’ She pulled her cheeks back into a tight smile. ‘Thanks, Liv. That would be lovely.’ She beamed.
I clapped my hands together excitedly. ‘I can’t wait for you to meet Jay and I’m really looking forward to getting to know Hugo… It’s going to be so much fun!’
‘Let’s hope so,’ she muttered.