Chapter 40
LIV
The next day, Jay and I moved around the kitchen, both being overly polite and awkward with one another.
I knew he was sorry; he was grovelling. He and Finn had brought me breakfast in bed.
It would take a while for things to be normal between us but I trusted him and knew that he had been honest in his explanation last night.
Maya called me shortly after I had got up.
‘Hi,’ she began tentatively. ‘I just wanted to check in with you to see how you’re doing today?’
‘I’m okay, thanks,’ I said, heading upstairs to take her call. I didn’t want Jay or Finn to overhear us.
‘Well, I’m sorry. I just wanted you to know that.’ She sighed and I could picture her exhaling through her plump lips. ‘I had no idea.’
‘That makes two of us,’ I said sardonically, sitting down onto my bed.
‘Obviously, if I had known, I never would have joked about it. I hope you know that?’
‘How were you supposed to know?’ I asked. ‘I’m glad you did, otherwise I’d probably never have found out. I don’t think Jay would ever have told me.’
‘Did he tell you why he never mentioned to you that he was engaged before?’
I smarted at her choice of words. ‘He said he was embarrassed. It wasn’t a very well thought-out proposal; it seems he was afraid he’d lose her, so he proposed but she broke up with him shortly afterwards. He was only twenty-one.’
‘Yikes, so young,’ she agreed. ‘So are things okay between you?’
‘I think so. Although I’m hurt and angry at his deception, I understand his reasons for not telling me.’
‘That’s good. I’m glad things are okay between you. I didn’t get much sleep last night,’ she admitted.
‘Don’t worry about it. In a weird way, I’m glad I know now and he’s promised me that he has no more skeletons in the closet.’
‘Glad to hear it. Right then, I’d better go. We’re heading over to the golf club for lunch and I need to get ready.’
‘You and Hugo?’ I was surprised.
‘Uh-huh. There’s some prize-giving thing on and he wants myself and Elliot there… All the golfers’ wives and families will be there so we can’t let the side down,’ she added bitterly.
‘Well, that sounds nice…’ I was trying not to sound too shocked. He had been his usual obnoxious-self last night, slipping in the digs where he could, but it seemed as though Maya had no choice but to dance to his tune and play perfect families.
We hung up and I headed back downstairs and put it out of my head. I came into the kitchen and saw Finn standing there with a pair of scissors in his hand.
‘Oh my goodness, sweetheart! What are you doing with that?’ I asked, rushing over and taking it from him. ‘You know you’re not allowed to play with scissors.’
‘But I want to cut my hair,’ he explained as if it was perfectly reasonable.
It was then that I saw clumps of his curly hair strewn around his feet on the tiles.
‘Did you cut your own hair?’ I asked, aghast.
He nodded proudly.
‘Why did you do that?’
‘’Cause only girls have long hair.’
‘Hey, everything okay?’ Jay asked, coming into the kitchen behind us.
‘I just caught Finn in the middle of giving himself a haircut!’
‘What?’ he said in disbelief. His face fell when he saw the dark locks spread around the floor.
‘Why are you cutting your hair, Finn?’
‘’Cause I don’t want long hair any more.’
Jay looked crestfallen. Finn had always worn his hair long like Jay’s. It had been a source of pride between the two of them. He had only ever had small trims and now his curly, shoulder-length hair was long enough to tie back in a ponytail exactly like Jay wore his.
‘What’s brought this on?’ Jay asked.
‘Only girls have long hair and I don’t want to be a girl.’
‘I have long hair and I’m not a girl,’ Jay said petulantly.
‘But Daddy, nobody in school wants to play with me because I look like a girl.’
I crouched down before him. ‘Did something happen, sweetheart?’ I probed, trying to calm myself even though blood was pounding and whooshing around my ears. ‘Did somebody say something about your hair?’
‘Elliot said I look like a girl.’
‘Elliot?’ I repeated, wanting to be sure I had heard him right.
‘Who else would it be?’ Jay muttered sardonically.
‘He told everyone not to play with me because I was a girl, so can I get a haircut?’
My heart twisted. My sweet, innocent boy who didn’t even realise what he was saying.
‘Do you like your hair?’ I asked. He had the same hair as Jay: a mass of frizzy, dark curls that made a halo around his face.
He shrugged and nodded. ‘Yes.’
‘Well then why does it matter what Elliot thinks?’
‘But I don’t want to look like a girl.’
‘But you don’t look like a girl. You and Daddy have the same hair and Daddy doesn’t look like a girl.’
‘Please, Mammy,’ he asked, pleading with his beautiful eyes that made it so hard to refuse him.
I was torn. I didn’t want my son feeling pressure to conform; I wanted him to be his own person, to boldly wear whatever clothes he wanted to wear, or sport whatever hairstyle he liked and not give a toss what anyone might think but I also knew that wasn’t life.
I, more than anyone, understood that need to fit in.
I had spent my whole childhood and teenage years too as the outsider looking in, desperate to belong.
Although I wished he had the confidence to be his own person, he was five years old and no child wanted to be the odd one out.
I didn’t want my son to be bullied because he was different from his friends but it was a fine line between wanting your child to fit in and giving in to bullies.
It was so hard to know what was the right thing to do.
‘Me and Daddy will talk about it and we’ll see,’ I conceded.
‘Yes!’ he ran off excitedly, taking it as a win.
When we were alone again, I glanced at Jay, who looked devastated by the whole exchange. It was more than just hair – this was their thing – it represented their father and son bond and now Finn wanted to cast that aside and be independent from him.
‘What do you think?’ I asked.
‘If Finn wants to cut his hair, we can do that.’ He looked crushed. ‘But this whole thing with Elliot has gone too far.’
‘I know,’ I agreed. ‘But maybe we need to listen to Finn; if he wants to get his hair cut, shouldn’t it be his decision?’
‘Okay… I guess… we’ll bring him to the barbers.’