Chapter 43
MAYA
We smiled and waved back at Elliot and Lauren.
He was hanging from her back like a baby monkey and she had spent the last few minutes giving him a jockey back around the garden.
The last time she had babysat, she had brought over loads of sweets and played a game which involved tumbling over the sofa with him and he had had a ball.
‘We won’t be late,’ I said as I got into the car.
Lauren dismissed me with a brush of her hand. ‘Don’t worry. Take your time; me and this little monkey are going to have loads of fun.’ She turned her head and looked back at her cargo. ‘Aren’t we, Elliot?’
He nodded enthusiastically.
‘Be good, sweetheart,’ I said. ‘And when Lauren says it’s bedtime, you go, okay?’
‘Yes, Mummy,’ he replied solemnly.
‘Enjoy the movie,’ Lauren sang from the doorstep as they both waved us off. He had been so excited earlier when I told him that Lauren was babysitting because Mummy and Daddy were going out tonight.
‘Where are you going?’
‘To the cinema,’ I had lied. The truth was that this was a last-ditch attempt at counselling.
Following our previous disastrous session in Julia’s office, I had told Hugo that I wasn’t going back to her ever again after the way they had ganged up on me for daring to enjoy a few glasses of wine now and again but I was still so upset over the whole porn episode and didn’t know who else to turn to.
Julia was the only person I thought might be able to help us to work through it and when I suggested it to Hugo, he surprised me by agreeing that it might be a good way to discuss it because whenever we tried to do it at home, I became too emotional.
I couldn’t stay calm and I didn’t want Elliot to witness any more arguments between us.
I was terrified that what he saw on Hugo’s phone was going to scar him for life and if I had any chance of making him forget about it, prolonging it with arguments between his father and me was not going to help matters.
I had also looked into play therapists who might deal with this type of situation should I feel we needed a bit more help.
That evening, we both entered Julia’s office downtrodden.
Beaten. Every time we came here, it felt like a defeat.
If things had been improving in our marriage, I’m sure I would see it differently but week by week, the thin threads holding our relationship together seemed to be fraying further and I was so disillusioned now by the whole thing that I couldn’t see a way back for us.
Julia welcomed us back and after some polite chit-chat, I told her what had happened while Hugo sat there with a hangdog look on his face.
‘Do you understand the serious child-welfare issues at play here, Hugo?’ Julia asked. ‘The exposure of a child under eighteen to pornographic material can have legal consequences.’
‘I love my son; I hate that he saw that on my phone. I swear it was a pop-up; it wasn’t something I had been watching and left open but I take full responsibility. I’ll make sure it never happens again.’
‘So you can understand why Maya is so upset by this?’
‘Of course I do. I’m not a monster. I feel the same way. I’ll do whatever it takes to fix this; if he needs to see a child psychologist or a play therapist then we’ll do it.’
‘And how has Elliot been at home?’
‘His behaviour has been challenging,’ I admitted, ‘but he was like that before this happened so I can’t blame it on what he saw.’
‘Has he talked about it since?’ Julia probed.
‘Thankfully not, he seems to have forgotten about it, to be honest.’
‘Kids are resilient. Hopefully, he has put it out of his head.’ She turned then to Hugo. ‘Obviously, this leads me onto your use of pornography; how often would you view it?’
He shifted uncomfortably. ‘Every now and then. All men do it,’ he added defensively.
‘Would you think it’s a problem for you?’ Julia probed.
‘Look, I swear I only look at it a couple of times a week. I could go without it no problem. It’s not a big deal for me.’
‘He’d rather watch porn than have sex with his wife,’ I interjected.
He shook his head and turned pleadingly to Julia with a look that said, See? Do you see what I have to deal with? But she wasn’t falling for it.
‘Would you agree this is true, Hugo?’ Julia asked.
‘Well, when she’s going on like this, yeah, then it is true,’ he rebutted.
‘Maya, do you feel your needs are being met in your relationship?’ Julia asked.
I looked away.
‘Maya, do you feel your needs are being met?’ she pressed again.
I shook my head. ‘It’s clear he doesn’t find me very attractive any more,’ I replied, trying but failing to keep the hurt out of my voice.
‘Sex is the barometer for a relationship; it’s passionate and exciting at the start and naturally, as a relationship grows and deepens, it will taper off but still should be a regular thing.
When a couple isn’t intimate then it can indicate an issue.
And it isn’t just about sex; intimacy is all the little things too: it’s a kiss before you go out the door, it’s a cuddle before you turn over and go to sleep, it’s sitting beside each other watching TV.
Perhaps if we can go back to the point when you first noticed this loss of intimacy, it might provide us with a clue as to what is going on between you both.
Can either of you think of something that might have happened to cause this? ’ Julia asked.
I looked down at my nails and began pushing back the cuticles.
‘I know Maya thinks that the issues between us are as a result of me watching porn but I promise you it’s nothing to do with that,’ Hugo said calmly.
‘So, would you like to tell her why then?’ Julia challenged. ‘One of the big issues I see between the two of you is a lack of communication. Maya wants to know why you don’t want to have sex with her, Hugo. It’s very difficult to fix a problem if the person doesn’t even know what the problem is.’
He turned around in his seat to face me.
For the first time in months, his eyes met mine.
I studied their grey-green shade with amber flecks, eyes that I once knew better than I knew my own.
I looked into their depths, feeling a hopeful seed start to unfurl inside me that Hugo was finally seeing me again after all this time.
Our eyes locked together but instead of the glimmer of love that used to glint from their depths, now I only could see hatred burn within.
‘Maya knows why,’ he replied without taking his gaze off me.