Chapter 42
LIV
Tuesday evening rolled around quickly. I found it harder with every passing week.
Although I never looked forward to our counselling sessions with Julia, I was dreading tonight because I knew things were coming to a head.
I needed to make a decision for all our sakes.
It wasn’t fair on anyone, either Jay, Finn or myself, to prolong it any more.
Just the other night, I had jolted awake, my skin clammy with sweat and feeling panicked.
I had dreamed Jay was placing concrete blocks upon me; he had kept piling them on until they became so heavy that my body had collapsed beneath their weight and sunk into the soil.
Clay had begun to fill my nostrils and mouth until I started to choke.
I woke up screaming, fighting for breath.
A bleary-eyed Jay had sat up in bed and asked me if I was okay.
When I told him I had had an awful nightmare, he had draped his arm around me and fallen back asleep.
It wasn’t long until I could hear him snoring softly beside me while I had lain awake for the rest of the night, knowing I’d never be able to get back to sleep.
At each session, we had to confront the situation head-on and I knew time was running out.
We had talked and talked about it. I could feel the tension building with every passing week; I could sense that we were climbing towards the precipice.
Soon, we would reach the summit and we would have to make a decision either way but I couldn’t see a way forward for us; there was no bargaining or middle ground that could be reached when deciding whether or not to have another baby.
Either way, one of us was going to lose out.
I leaned in towards Finn and kissed him on his cheek.
‘Be good for Granny Pauline,’ I warned, wagging my finger at him.
We had asked Jay’s mum to babysit, not wishing to risk arousing suspicion by asking my mother on a Tuesday evening once again.
‘Make sure you go to bed when you’re told.
’ Finn was tired in the evenings since he had started school and I knew Pauline would have no trouble getting him to sleep.
‘I will, Mammy,’ he replied earnestly. I was still trying to get used to his shorter hair since we’d brought him to have it cut. He looked so much older now.
‘He’s always good. Now you two go and have fun,’ my mother-in-law sang as we headed out the door.
As we climbed the stairs to the counselling rooms less than twenty minutes later, I felt the knot in my stomach wind itself tauter, like someone was holding a rope on each side and pulling tightly.
Julia welcomed us and we sat in the same seats as we always did. We made small talk about the weather and how warm it was for October until Julia clapped her hands together and I knew it was time to get down to business.
‘So, how have you both been?’
We both made the usual replies and smiled politely.
‘Okay, Liv, would you be able to start this evening?’
Instantly, I felt my palms grow clammy and my heart started to ratchet. Once again, I questioned why we needed to be here.
‘Sure,’ I said, forcing a smile on my face.
‘The last day, you mentioned that Finn has started asking if you can give him a brother or sister,’ Julia prompted. ‘Is he still talking about that?’
‘He mentions it from time to time,’ I conceded.
Jay’s head swivelled to look at me and he narrowed his eyes. ‘He never stops asking us,’ Jay jumped in. ‘The latest is that he wants to ask Santa for a new baby.’
‘I see,’ Julia said. ‘So how does this make you feel, Liv?’
‘Heartbroken, of course,’ I said, a touch too defensively. ‘I mean, obviously it’s tough on him. I’d love to be able to give him a baby brother or sister but that’s not how life works.’
‘Well, we need to make a decision soon because it’s not fair on him to keep dragging it on,’ Jay said. ‘Christmas will be here before we know it and I don’t want him disappointed when he doesn’t find a baby under the tree.’
‘Do you think I’m doing this deliberately?’ I snapped. ‘I don’t like it either but you know it’s not that easy.’
‘Now, Liv, I want you to stay calm,’ Julia counselled.
‘I can’t see myself ever going through that again,’ I stated.
I was aware of Jay’s face getting worked up beside me and he sat up straighter in the chair. ‘Really?’ he asked incredulously. ‘Even if a baby brother or sister is the one thing Finn wants most in the world? You wouldn’t do it for him? How can you be so selfish?’
‘That’s not fair,’ I cried. ‘I can’t have a baby and put my life at risk just to make our son happy!’
‘It’s not just Finn; it’s me too. I don’t want to have just one child.’
‘Well, I’m sorry,’ I replied sourly. ‘I don’t think I can do it.’
‘So you’re saying that you’ve made up your mind?’ Jay challenged.
I looked across at him, begging him to understand. ‘What we have is perfect, Jay. I can’t jeopardise it.’
‘But we need to make a decision like this together.’
I shook my head. ‘We are making it together. But unfortunately, I am the one who has to get pregnant and give birth. If you could take my place, then it would be a different story!’
‘I’d gladly do it if I could,’ he muttered.
‘What about using a surrogate?’ Julia suggested. ‘Is this something you’d be willing to consider?’
We both shot her a look.
‘I don’t think surrogacy is for us,’ Jay brushed her off.
‘Okay,’ Julia said. ‘It was just a suggestion.’
‘Look, I’m sorry, but no matter how long I think about it, I just can’t go through it again.’
He shook his head, frustration sitting heavy in the air between us.
‘Okay, Jay,’ Julia said, stepping in. ‘I think you need to acknowledge Liv’s fears. They’re valid and real.’
‘I get that, I really do, but I just think it’s unfair that she gets to make the decision for both of us.’
‘You’re not the one who has to have the baby, Jay; you’re not the one who’d be risking your life!’ I cried, hearing emotion dance on my voice.
‘The doctors said the chances of it happening again are slim.’
‘No offence but “slim”,’ I put up my fingers to make air quotes, ‘doesn’t exactly reassure me.’
‘Come on, Liv,’ he coaxed, ‘they’d be watching you like a hawk.’
I shook my head. ‘Finn is enough for me. Why can’t you be the same?’
‘That’s not fair!’ he blazed. ‘You know you and Finn are my whole world. But another baby would complete our family.’
‘Or it might tear us apart,’ I whispered.
He shook his head angrily at me. ‘I don’t think there’s much point in us being here,’ Jay said, standing up. ‘You’ve already made your mind up!’
‘Jay, I know you’re worked up, but I’m asking you to sit down and we’ll talk through this,’ Julia said calmly.
He ignored her and walked across the room to the door. I stood up and followed after him. ‘Come back, Jay,’ I begged, placing my hand on his arm. ‘We need to be able to talk about this.’
He ignored me and continued out to the waiting room where Maya and Hugo were sitting.
For once, Hugo’s face wasn’t buried in his phone and they were both watching us, agog.
I felt mortified as Jay stormed past them and stomped down the stairs.
I could see Maya’s face crease in concern as she wondered what she should do.
I averted my gaze from them as I hurried after him.