Chapter Twenty-One
In the morning, Khoi wants to dodge the dining hall because he’s not ready to deal with the whispers or knowing glances.
Instead he takes me to Flour, one of his favorite cafés that happens to be two blocks from MIT.
He insists on paying because I could’ve gotten free breakfast at Simmons.
I try not to think of it as a date. It’s merely another opportunity for free food.
The shop is brimming with sunshine and the bright chatter of customers. I order a latte and a cauliflower sandwich. Once we’re situated with food, he looks at me expectantly, and I know I can no longer curve this conversation.
“Khoi. I’m really flattered.” This isn’t a lie. I am shook that he’s interested in me like that. He has everything going for him. People actually know who he is. He’s good-looking and accomplished and I don’t know what he sees in me.
Well, if there’s anything I’ve learned from Drew, it’s that sometimes boys like you just because you’re there. It doesn’t necessarily mean you’re pretty or smart or even nice.
And if it weren’t for Alpha Fellows, maybe that would be so valid. I don’t need Khoi to be the love of my life. And if I’m being completely honest, I haven’t kissed a boy since Drew and I miss the fireworks of someone else’s skin on mine. I’d be down to mess around with Khoi for a summer.
But there’s the competition looming and I’m not going to squander my chances by hooking up with my teammate.
“I like you, Char,” he says. “And we had something last night.”
I wish he would stop looking at me like that, all wide-eyed with sincere adoration. Like a puppy. It’s going to make this conversation so much more difficult. I don’t get some sick pleasure from kicking puppies.
“Look, I think you’re cute too, but—”
“I don’t just think you’re cute. I mean, when we first met, yeah, sure, you caught my interest because you’re cute. But it’s deeper than that now.”
Outside on the sidewalk, a couple is fighting, both of them gesticulating wildly. Their wedding bands glint white gold in the morning sun. Their faces are etched with annoyance and exasperation.
Once, they must’ve loved each other very much. I wonder if they woke up one day and poof, the love was gone, or if it was a gradual thing, love leaking out over years like their marriage was a rusty pipe nobody bothered to fix.
But I’m imagining things. I don’t know anything about these two strangers. There’s no need to make up a story for them.
I turn my attention back to Khoi.
“We have a fantastic friendship,” I admit. And as I say it, I realize how true it is. Before coming here, I didn’t have any real friends besides Lola, and I never expected to get close to anyone the way I’ve gotten to know Khoi.
I recall last night’s conversation. I never knew what it could be like to feel so seen. Or to be able to give someone else that same gift. “You’ve been amazing. I’m grateful for your help. But…”
“Char, there doesn’t need to be a but. You’re making this more complicated than it has to be.”
I barrel on. “But, we should keep things platonic.”
“This isn’t because of my dad, right?” The question is quiet and sad.
I resist the urge to seize him by the shoulders and shake sense into him. “Khoi! Of course not.”
“I don’t know how to shut off my feelings,” he says miserably. “And it would be one thing if you just didn’t like me back. I can get over a rejection like that. But I don’t understand why you’re doing this.”
“Maybe I don’t like you back,” I snap. The words come out harsh. But this schtick is irking me. He’s not owed a romantic relationship.
Khoi’s gaze is unwavering. “Fine. Look me in the eyes and say that you don’t feel anything for me. And I’ll forget about all of this.”
I open my mouth, but I can’t do it. I can’t deny how my heart flutters when I see him, or how I want to be near him all the time, or how often my mind wanders to him. I tried to ignore these things before, when I thought he was off-limits, but now they’re neon-lights obvious.
Here’s the thing, though. Infatuation isn’t enough. I need to be logical.
“We’re hackathon teammates. There are six weeks left in the summer. We need to focus on that. Not on this.” And even if we did have a fling, what would happen after the camp is over? I shove the thought away. Doesn’t matter.
“But we can do both.” He smiles. “Like that one meme with the little girl. Por qué no los dos?”
He’s not getting it. For him, Alpha Fellows is a fun opportunity, but whether he wins or not, his life will be the same. He’ll still be Khoi Astor, creator of Imposter Syndrome, and even if he takes home the grand prize, his biggest achievement so far will be something else.
But for me, it could change my entire trajectory.
“The day I left for this camp, my stepdad, Michael, told me to never come home,” I say.
“I don’t know if he meant it. Maybe it was something he screamed in the heat of the moment.
But even if he lets me move back in at the end of Alpha Fellows, I don’t want to live there anymore.
” I don’t bother to explain why. It should be obvious.
“In my hometown, Chinook Shore, most people get stuck forever. They live and die there. The median household income is thirty thousand dollars. My best friend is joining the military so she can snag her mom a green card and better health insurance.” I don’t know if he’s understanding any of this.
We’re from such different worlds. “Khoi, I need to get out of there. I need to get into a decent college that gives financial aid.”
Another nightmarish thought: What if Michael straight-up refuses to fill out the FAFSA? Could I even still get financial assistance?
“You will,” he insists. “You’re smart. You have solid grades, right?”
“I do, but it’s not enough.” Being here is a constant reminder of that. “I’m not some science fair winner or math prodigy. I don’t have any fancy accomplishments. I need to win, okay? I need that way more than I need a boyfriend.”
“Char, I could help you financially,” he mumbles. “I got a lot from the Imposter Syndrome acquisition…”
“Khoi. No.” We’ve known each other for all of two weeks. I can’t be taking his money. That’s absurd. “You’ve already helped enough.”
He takes a deep breath. “Okay. I get it. And I’m sorry your circumstances are so tough. I can’t pretend to know what that’s like.”
Maybe afterward, I want to say. Maybe if we actually win this thing and we both get into MIT or something. Then maybe we could try dating for real. If he’s still into me.
But I don’t say that. I don’t want to get his hopes up. I don’t want to get my own hopes up.
Our sandwiches are sitting there untouched. I guess neither of us had much of an appetite.
Khoi gets up to use the restroom, and I check my phone. It’s Lola’s eighteenth birthday today. I want to call her as soon as she wakes up. It’s ten a.m. here, which means it’s only seven a.m. there. I should wait another hour or two.
There are a few email notifications. Mostly marketing crap, one Nigerian prince asking for my banking info, and a response from Edvin.
hey char good to hear from you. i’m actually in town today, can you meet me at the nexus office @ noon? my personal assistant janelle (cc’d) will coordinate details.
I triple-check the message to make sure I’m not hallucinating. Oh my God. Edvin Nilsen wants to meet. With me. With me!
“Maybe we can pack up our sandwiches?” Khoi says. He’s back. “Let’s find an empty classroom somewhere on campus and brainstorm.”
Oh. Right.
Maybe I should let him know what’s happening. We could pull up as a team. Actually, it’d be kind of weird not to invite him.
But the minute he saunters into the Nexus office, Charise Tang will become totally irrelevant. Edvin will start simping for the wunderkind who built a viral game, just like everyone else.
And to be one hundred percent clear, I’m not mad at Khoi for that. It’s not his fault. But I want this just for myself.
I slide my phone into the pocket of my denim shorts. “Sure.”
There’s this throb of guilt, which I ignore.